“ARE YOU SURE ABOUT this?”
Julian stood at the end of his bed, looking down at me like he thought this was too good to be true. His room basked in the soft glow of the singular lamp on his bedside table. I’d made fun of his apartment the first time I saw it, but the more time I spent here, the more I loved it.
My apartment maintained a bright and chaotic vibe, slightly cluttered with my collection of books, clothes, and plants. Julian’s place featured clean lines and a minimalist approach. Modern furniture filled the spaces, but little touches like soft lighting, comfy linens, and framed family pictures kept it from feeling cold.
And Julian, too. Warmth blossomed beneath my skin as he studied me. But while I could appreciate how he admired me, I was so over dragging this out. For fuck’s sake, I’d been waiting for so long.
“I’m sure, Julian,” I groaned. “Look, I know that it’s my first time, and it probably won’t be good—”
“Wait.” Julian held out a hand. “Stop right there.”
I struggled to withhold a smirk. I should have expected that response. Julian took a dramatically long moment to squeeze his eyes shut before piercing me with a glare of annoyance. “Why don’t you think it’s going to be good?”
I leveled him with a look. “I read books, Julian.”
“So?”
“So…my expectations are unrealistic. And I’m aware of that.”
Shouldn’t this be self-explanatory? I wasn’t expecting the fireworks that people write about in books, especially not for my first time. I wasn’t naive, and I thought he’d be relieved to hear that, but that clearly wasn’t the case.
Julian’s lips twitched. His stare narrowed. “Is that so?”
“Yeah, I mean you’re…” I waved a hand in his direction, trying to point out the obvious.
“I’m what?”
“You know…” I cleared my voice. “Not fictional.”
Julian went from acting hurt and irritated to flashing me one of his brilliantly cocky smiles. “You need to be careful there, Juni, insulting me like this.”
“It isn’t insulting,” I argued. “It’s simply a fact. You are real, aren’t you?”
Julian reached behind him, pulling his shirt over his head in a theatrical but incredibly attractive way. He shook out his hair before facing me again, now half-naked. His toned chest rippled as he moved, and the golden hue from the bedside lamp reflected off his broad shoulders as he leaned on the end of the bed.
“I’m more than real, Daisy.” Mischief flashed across his features as he lowered his gaze over me in a way that chased away all my nerves. When he spoke, the husk in his voice was ironically unreal. “Tell me how a fictional man would fuck you, then.”
“I—” My words got stuck on the tip of my tongue. That had been the last thing I’d expected him to say.
He crossed his arms over his chest, raising a brow. When I was too shocked to speak, he began offering suggestions. “Do you want me to make sure that you come first?”
“Yes.” I pushed myself up onto my elbows to better meet his stare. “I mean, I guess you already did that.”
Julian’s grin turned crooked. “So I did.”
“But that wasn’t during sex,” I pointed out—just in case he thought he might get away with not even trying to give me another one.
“I’ll do it again, then.” The offhanded comment wasn’t boastful. He said it as an easy truth, and my breath hitched before he continued. “What else? Do you want me to talk dirty about what I plan to do to you?”
“Yes,” I breathed. Because I did; I really did want to hear that.
“Easy.” His eyes dragged over me, making me shiver, and then returned to meet my gaze. “Do you want me to be rough or gentle? You never did tell me what you like when I asked that day.”
“Both.” I didn’t want him to treat me like I was glass, but I also wasn’t sure what Julian’s definition of rough was.
“I can do both.” Julian’s eyes softened, but his lips smirked. “Do you want me to use toys?”
“I—” I bit down on my lip, caught off guard but not opposed to the idea. “What kind?”
A flare crossed Julian’s irises. “God, Juni.”
Apparently, he’d expected a flat-out no.
“What kind, Julian?” I whispered.
He plowed his fingers through his hair, giving a tiny shake of disbelief. “I think we’ll start with something you’re probably familiar with. Okay?”
A flush crept up my neck. “Okay, but I didn’t…like, bring anything.”
Cheekiness lit up Julian’s face. “It’s time for you to see what’s really in my bedside table, right next to my list of plant names.”
A laugh rippled through me. “You told me that what was in your bedside table didn’t concern me. And that you didn’t have a list of plant names.”
“I lied. Just like how you told me in New York that you lied to me all the time. But we’re done with that, right?” I nodded wordlessly, and his gaze burned into mine as he stood at the end of the bed. “Good. Now, as much as I love that jersey on you, it’s time to take it off.”
My pulse sped up. I didn’t know why I thought I could have sex with Julian without letting him see me naked, but I suddenly didn’t feel prepared for this moment. How was that possible? After twenty-six years, how was I still not prepared?
Julian began unbuckling his belt as he watched me with heavy lids.
“Take it off, Juniper,” he repeated, slower this time. “I know this will destroy me forever, but I’m already wrecked. So let me see you.”
I pushed into a sitting position, unable to tear my eyes from his. He stared, taking me in as though this moment right here was the main event, and it gave me the confidence to slip the jersey over the top of my head. I threw it at his feet, but he didn’t give another glance at the jersey after it came off. All his attention remained glued on me as I sank back into his bed again, my head hitting his pillows. He didn’t move except his eyes, tracing my shape against the sheets.
The heat of his gaze licked my skin, and it was the only thing that helped me resist the urge to cover up again. That, and the way his jaw kept clenching with desire.
When Julian finally spoke, his voice descended into something deep and gravelly. “You look so fucking perfect in my bed.”
“Julian…”
I didn’t know what to say. But that was okay. Julian leaned forward with his pants half undone to skim his hands over my skin. And as soon as we touched, I knew there was no going back tonight. No going back, not ever.
It was that pull, that magnetism that coursed from my body to his. Everything in me strained toward his touch, feeding off it. I felt it in Julian, too. He climbed onto the bed over me, needing to touch more of my body than he could reach.
“Fuck. So beautiful.” He cupped my breasts in his palms, squeezing experimentally. Like the rest of me, there was more than enough to grab. I’d always been self-conscious about it, but not right now. Not with how Julian curved his hands over me so reverently. “You are so beautiful.”
The awe in Julian’s expression was breathtaking. I never imagined he would look at me like this. His eyes didn’t stray from my skin once. They blazed a trail of heat while he continued muttering breathy praises. The words made me hum in delight, but it was that gaze of his that made me believe them.
Julian lowered himself until his lips were poised to take mine. My breaths came in quick spurts while the anticipation of the kiss hung heavy and sweet in the air. One of his hands continued to explore my curves, smoothing over my hip. His pupils dilated while roaming my face.
“Do you have any idea how badly I want you?”
I lifted my hips so they grazed his. My bare skin against his unbuttoned pants, the fabric brushing roughly over delicate flesh. I inched higher, and Julian’s hard cock pressed between my legs.
“I have a pretty good idea, yeah.”
Julian growled, partly in frustration and partly in heady arousal, as he flung himself off me, landing on the side of the bed. He slipped his pants and underwear to the floor, stealing all my attention down south.
Now I had a really good idea of how badly Julian wanted me.
Noticing the direction of my attention, his gruff voice cut in before I could have any doubts. “It’ll fit perfectly, baby. Just fucking perfectly.”
I looked up at him from beneath my lashes. “Show me.”
“God, Juniper. You do things to me,” he groaned before pouncing back on the bed, pulling me under the covers as he kissed and dragged me close. “I can’t wait to finally fuck your pretty little cunt.”
My entire body hummed with awareness as Julian’s bare skin skimmed mine. His lips captured mine repeatedly as the bed swallowed us whole. Only a dusky light surrounded us beneath his sheets as we tangled in limbs and kisses. Julian’s fingers wove into my hair, desperately holding me to him.
I started bucking my hips against him shamelessly. The touches, the kisses, the press of his body against mine. It wasn’t enough. I’d never felt this aching pressure before. An emptiness replaced the high he gave me on the couch, and I knew what I needed to fill it. Him. All of him.
I’d never needed someone to complete me like I needed him to. But right now, it felt like I wasn’t enough on my own. I needed Julian. I needed Julian to feel whole.
Julian’s lips began an exploration, sweeping away from my mouth to taste my neck and then my collarbone, and finally, my chest. His teeth scraped my skin as he began kissing the swell of my breasts. The feeling of his harsh breaths was my only warning before he sucked one nipple into his mouth, causing an eruption of heat. His tongue swirled over it, flicking, and the ache within me blossomed into something nearly unbearable.
Crying out, I arched my back, handing myself over to Julian.
“Fuck, Juni,” he mumbled, and I wound my fingers into his hair. My other hand found his cock and wrapped around it, stroking slowly.
Julian’s fingers gripped my wrist, stilling it as he cursed.
“Careful with that hand there, Lily,” he grunted, still nestled in my tits, and I couldn’t withhold my grin. “It feels too fucking good for you to be doing that right now.”
Everything felt too fucking good, and I decided it was about time we did something about it. I needed him. I needed him so badly that my hands shook, a wild, frenzied feeling dancing in my veins.
Lacing both hands into his hair, I tugged Julian up until we were at eye level. And as soon as his hooded, hazy gaze met mine, he understood. He knew everything I wanted and needed. He grabbed my wrist to bring one of my hands between us and covered it with his own as he squeezed, calming the shakiness.
Glancing at our entwined hands, he noted how my body vibrated.
“Excited? Or nervous?”
He searched my face for the truth.
“Both,” I admitted before biting down on a groan as Julian’s bare chest brushed mine. The slight sensation against my already aroused nipples felt like torture.
Julian nodded, and then a seriousness set into his expression right before he took action.
Rolling over, Julian pulled open the top drawer on his bedside table, rummaging in it until he found what he was looking for. He immediately folded whatever it was—likely a condom—into his palm.
“I’m on birth control,” I whispered, worrying my lip as I watched him. “Just so you know.”
My ex, Evan, refused to use protection—one of the reasons I’d never slept with him. But Julian…I just wanted to live up to his every expectation, which I worried would be hard to do, considering I’d never done this before. This was one area I had control over, though.
“Good to know,” Julian muttered, a slight smirk skewing his lips as he rolled back over, grabbed my hips, and tipped me up on top of him. “But I don’t mind using protection if it makes you feel better.”
I gasped as I straddled Julian, his erection rutting between my legs. I nodded, admittedly relieved that he’d said that.
Julian didn’t seem to give a shit about the condom. He agreed absently, eyes darkening as he took me in. I was utterly exposed but surprisingly warm as I admired how he looked beneath me. His auburn hair was mussed against his pillow, and his lust-filled gaze roved over me. The moment of mutual appreciation stretched out between us until it turned heated, making me squirm.
Julian stroked his cock, running a knuckle over my clit. Meanwhile, he tore open the condom package with his teeth before rolling it over his length with his other hand. I watched, fascinated and painfully aroused.
“You ready to take me?” His voice grew thick as he watched and waited for my response.
“Me?” I repeated.
He was going to make me do it? He was the one who had done this before—not me.
“You,” Julian confirmed, his breathing ragged as he plucked something from the sheets beside him. “I had an idea, and I bought something for you. Because it’ll kill me if I cause you even a prick of pain. Do you trust me?”
“Yes,” I said automatically. No need to even consider it.
At my answer, a buzzing filled the room, muffled slightly, and I realized it was coming from whatever was hidden in Julian’s hand. I jolted as Julian pressed a vibrator to my stomach, dragging it down slowly while keeping my gaze, searching for any signs of discomfort.
But my only discomfort was how my body felt like it would burn up if he didn’t touch me soon. And when Julian hesitated, teasing the vibrator right above where I wanted it most, I wiggled on his lap.
“Julian.”
But he did the opposite of what I’d wanted. Instead of giving me relief, he dragged the toy up his length, releasing a little moan that I found unbearably hot. When he got to the tip, Julian spun the vibrator around in his hand, and that was when I realized it didn’t look anything like the one I kept in my bedside table.
It circled his cock, hugging it. Two prongs formed a ring, branching out from where they met on either side to create a vibrating landing spot, the two little balls on the end buzzing as Julian held it in place around his tip.
“Come here,” he breathed, and I obeyed without thinking, lining his erection up. And as soon as it was in position, Julian pressed the vibrator right into my clit, causing my cries to saturate the air.
“Feels good, doesn’t it?”
I nodded, speechless. The vibrations hummed within me, and while I certainly wasn’t a virgin to using a vibrator, this felt different. More intense, more all-consuming. My vision swam momentarily before I found Julian’s heated stare again.
“Focus on that as you take me, baby.”
Julian’s attention flicked between my face and where we were joined as I slowly lowered onto him. He held the vibrator in place, letting pleasure racket through my body as I sank, losing the ability to breathe as he filled me. Finally. Oh, God, finally. This was what I’d been missing, this feeling of wholeness, of completion.
I barely felt the burn, only a slight stretching sensation when I sank fully onto him, whimpering Julian’s name. It was too hard to feel anything but pleasure when the toy pulsed so intensely. Julian made a guttural noise, jaw clenching as he removed his hand, settling the vibrator in its spot. I experimented with rocking forward, grinding my clit over it. Oh, hell.
Meanwhile, Julian gripped my hips, fingertips digging in like he was trying to hold on to something. Control, likely. If his expression was any indication.
“See? Perfect. I’ve never felt anything this good in my entire fucking life, Juniper,” he rasped. “So goddamn wet and warm. You’re killing me here.”
I couldn’t help but smirk down at him. “Good.”
Julian’s lips quirked at that. At least until I lifted up and slid back down his length, causing a rough curse to explode from his lips. Oh, I loved that. I loved that I had that effect on him and could drive Julian this wild.
Every little movement sent me careening toward a spiral. Every roll of my hips resulted in cascading jolts of pleasure. Every rock caused the vibrator to rub over my clit while Julian stroked something deep inside me. My lips parted in awe, eyes rolling back. Unbelievable—it was unbelievable, and I was left eating every single one of my words from earlier.
Julian knew it, too. His eyes roamed my face as I experienced pure bliss for the first time, and satisfaction dripped into every one of his features.
“Ride that cock, love.” His grip tightened on me as he helped me find my rhythm. “Just like that. You’re doing so good.”
His praise washed over me, empowering me to ride him harder. I thought I’d feel too exposed being on top like this, but I reveled in Julian’s burning hot stare. His attention made me feel alive. More desired and beautiful than I ever thought possible. I ran my hands down my front, cupping my breasts and toying with my nipples until Julian groaned, his bottom lip sliding between his teeth.
“I’m never going to recover from this,” he said, his husky voice nearly doing me in.
“Good,” I repeated with a naughty grin.
It was all I could say, but it was the truth. I didn’t want him to recover. I wanted to ruin him.
I leaned to sweep my lips over his, dragging them teasingly. With a growl, Julian grabbed me by the nape of my neck and pulled me lower so he could kiss me properly, and then he held me there while he pistoned his hips up into mine. I cried out from the intensity of the new, jaw-dropping position, and sparks of heat built one after another until I was burning all over.
I almost didn’t recognize my orgasm. It certainly wasn’t my first one, but it felt like it. Because this explosion, this free-falling, was all new. I gasped against Julian’s lips, not even recognizing the sounds I was making as I clutched the pillow beside his head with a white-knuckle grip.
“Julian!” I shook, struggling to come down from my high when the vibrator still pulsed between us. “Oh my God, oh my God.”
My vision was stilted, but I made out Julian’s cocky grin as he gently urged me off him. His touch was tender, his fingertips gliding over my skin in reassuring caresses. But I frowned as he left my body. He was still hard. Really hard. And I didn’t miss his muffled moans as he slipped the vibrator off his cock, clicking it off and tossing it aside.
He didn’t finish.
But just as I was about to open my mouth to say something, Julian’s large hands wound their way around my waist and flipped me onto my back. He climbed on top of me in a swift movement, clear intent in the tight lines of his face. It reignited my spent body in undeniable ways.
“I know you can handle more,” he said gruffly before checking my reaction for confirmation. “Can’t you, Juni baby?”
I nodded, still trying to catch my breath. He needed more, and I wanted to give it to him. Hell, I wanted more.
Julian caught my chin, forcing my lips to part with his thumb. “Say it.”
“I can handle more,” I said, my voice wispy as I ignored the burning between my legs.
My words washed over him, dousing him with the realization that he would get what he wanted, and he made another groan. “I know you can. Because you match me in every fucking way.”
I reached up, dragging my fingers down his chest and making him shiver. “Give it to me, Jules.”
His eyes rolled back momentarily at my words before they refocused on me.
“It’s my turn now,” he grunted, keeping his gaze steady while aligning himself between my legs again. He sat back on his haunches, allowing an unobstructed view of him entering me. “When you come this time, it will be because of my cock and my cock alone.”
Before I could absorb his crude words, he thrust inside me with one swift stroke. I felt a slight twinge of pressure, but it was overpowered by the euphoric sensation of being filled again. I arched back, crying out his name.
A wickedness worked its way onto Julian’s face as he retreated just enough to plunge into me harder. He repeated it again and again as I writhed up against him. His eyes dropped, studying how his cock slid in and out until he grabbed both of my legs and threw them around his waist as he leaned down to cover my body.
Julian caged me against the mattress as he sank deeper and deeper inside me. He stilled slightly, letting me adjust. His lips were reassuring against mine, breathing my name.
“Tell me again that you can handle it,” he whispered.
“I can handle it,” I assured him. “I want it.”
Julian nodded, taking my breath away with his beautifully intense expression before driving into me again. My breasts rocked with every mind-numbing thrust, grazing Julian’s broad chest. His hair hung over his face, all his features ticking as he continued to hold on to some sort of control.
Fuck control. I raked my fingers down his back, tipping my hips up to meet his, and Julian lost it.
“Fuck, you’re so—” He released a low groan as he pounded into me, finding a filthy rhythm that filled the room with sounds of slapping skin. “You know this little virgin pussy belongs to me now, right? It’s mine, Juniper.”
“Yours, Julian,” I gasped.
His eyes glazed over as he continued his punishing strokes. “No one else’s.”
“No one else’s.” An intelligible sound ripped from my throat between my quick pants. “There’s never been anyone else.”
“Oh, baby.” Julian dropped his head to mine. Sweat dripped off his forehead, mixing with mine. But I didn’t care. My entire body was slick, sliding against his as the world slipped away. It was only him and me. His rough gasps and my tiny whimpers. His hard body and my soft one. His racing heart and my full one. “Never anyone else,” he breathed, almost like a question. Like he wanted more reassurance.
I shook my head. “Never.”
“That’s my girl.” I felt the rumble of his voice everywhere. It rattled in my chest. “Now, come for me one more time, love.”
“I don’t—” I swallowed past the dryness in my throat. “I don’t think I—”
“Yes, you can.” Julian smacked his hips into mine harder as if to prove a point. “You told me you could handle it, Juni. Now, where’s the fucking proof?”
Goddamn him.
I felt Julian smile when I wrapped my legs tighter around his waist, pulling us closer until it was impossible to decipher where I ended and he began. I was beyond powerless to the force that kept us together. I always had been, hadn’t I?
A ball of heat settled deep inside me; every time he moved, it grew and grew. And it felt so good, so jaw-droppingly good.
I tucked my head into the crook of Julian’s neck, my sharp breaths hitting his skin as he steadily slammed into me. His movements were sloppier, more desperate, and just as he growled my name as a warning, I found my release.
It was different. It was blindingly hot, blossoming from a part of me I didn’t realize existed. As I screamed, it washed over me like a heat wave before settling in my bones. My body shook and shook with the intensity of it, pulsing with a beat that Julian controlled as he gave one final thrust. He cried out, body trembling, before finding my lips and kissing me through his climax.
This kiss was brutally rough at first, his teeth scraping over my lips, unrestrained. But it softened as we both melted into each other. Tenderness seeped into the moment, taking me by surprise.
“Good girl,” he whispered, trailing his lips down. He pressed his mouth to every inch of skin he could find, kissing me into a blissful stupor. “You did so well, Juni.”
I closed my eyes, basking in…him. His words, his touches. My limbs tingled. And they felt heavy. I couldn’t move even if I wanted to. So I let Julian kiss me everywhere, moaning when his lips skirted between my legs.
Julian murmured that he would be right back, but I barely heard it. There was a faint buzzing in my ears, the echoes of our climax still vibrating in my head. I didn’t realize that Julian had returned until something warm pressed between my legs, a soothing, damp heat. He murmured for me to keep it there as though I planned on moving anytime soon.
It was pleasant, so pleasant, and my lips curved in a sated smile. I felt a dip in the mattress before lips brushed my temple, and heat encased me again as Julian pulled me into his chest.
A comfortable silence settled between us as we breathed in each other’s presence until Julian eventually broke it.
“I want to ask you something.”
“Hm?”
It was the only answer I could muster.
“Why?”
“Why?” I opened one eye to see Julian watching me with a thoughtful expression. And then I opened the other, curious.
“Why did you decide not to have sex before?”
“How do you know it was my decision?”
“Because no one in their right mind would be dating you and not want to sleep with you.”
I swallowed, trying to ignore what his words did to me. “It’s hard for me to trust people sometimes. That they really want me. That they won’t leave me. And I just couldn’t get myself to sleep with any of my exes until I felt some sort of…reassurance. I figured if they cared about me at all, they would wait. They’d stay.” I closed my eyes again. “They never did.”
Julian’s gentle touch urged me to open my eyes again. His blue eyes were so beautiful as they studied me that I almost had to look away. He seemed to be trying to find the right words, but he didn’t have to. He didn’t need to find any words. Not tonight.
“But I trust you, Julian,” I whispered.
“I’m not going anywhere.” He cleared what sounded like emotion from his throat. “I’ve always been here, and I always will be.”
I snuggled deeper into him.
“I know.”
A contented sigh breezed over the top of my head before Julian murmured in my ear.
“It’s after midnight. We missed the countdown.”
I smiled into his bare chest. “Well, I still got my kiss, and that’s what really matters. Happy New Year, Julian Briggs.”
“Happy New Year, Juniper St. James.” He paused. “And excuse me, but you got more than just a kiss. I think that means it’s going to be a good year.”
Hugging him tighter, I nodded.
“I think that means it’s going to be the best year.”
