It’s a mix of him not saying he loves me, even though I know he does, and the way he leaves me after sex.
He left me panting and reeling on his desk, my nightgown torn and the pearls wrapped around me so tightly, I felt like they were holding me down. I was a mess, destroyed by him. And he left to clean up, taking his time without me to gather up his own pieces. Every second felt raw. Every moment another bit of reality intruded on the moment.
It reminds me of the time we had in his bathroom when I realized I’d missed my birthday and never went to see my mother. It feels like so long ago when we fought and fucked on the tiled floor. And when he stood, with his back to me and the look of regret clearly written on his face… I’ll never forget the way it felt. And that’s exactly what it feels like now.
Hold on to him, a voice whispers as the emotions try to strangle my throat. Hold on to him.
“I’m trying,” I whisper.
“What?” Carter asks and I swallow the dry words, propping myself up on his desk even though I can feel moisture between my legs. I have to wad up the bottom of the nightgown, the bit that should cover my legs, and press it against myself to keep from making a mess. Carter only comes to help me down then. And only to help me down. The moment the balls of my feet hit the hardwood floors, he lets go of me.
I need someone to hold me too. My voice is weak as I answer him, “Nothing.” The moment is broken and I feel it inside of me. The sharp edges of it dig into my chest and let the real world find its way back into my head.
Carter’s gaze is like fire, burning into the side of my face as I turn away from him, the way he did to me just a moment ago.
“I need to go change.” I offer up the excuse and then hate myself for it. I hate that I can pretend in the least that I’m all right.
My hair tickles my upper back as I turn to stare back at the man I love, the man whose love will kill me. With a shiver running down my shoulders and the coolness of his office replacing the much-needed heat I felt a minute ago, I tell him the truth. “It feels like you regret it almost every time you touch me now.”
I have to swallow thickly after letting the words out. It is almost every time, isn’t it? Each time since the safe house… he never came, not until now.
It’s a slow change in his expression, as the slight concern morphs to indifference. To the mask he always wears. “Do you regret this?” I ask him. Before he can even answer, I push out more of the raw truth, saying, “I don’t want to feel like this afterward. I don’t want to feel…” I trail off as my hand reaches up to my chest and my fingers tangle around the strand of pearls, not knowing what the words are that accurately portray what I feel.
I feel like I lose him more and more when he does this after. But when I’m with him, truly with him, I’m whole. “I want you back.” I whisper the words in a ragged voice drenched in despair.
“This isn’t going to last.” Those are the only words Carter gives me, but his expression says more. His steady gaze belies the hollow depths of his pain. Looking closer, the softness around his eyes shows just how tired he is, how vulnerable, even.
It’s only then that tears prick, but still, I hold them back. Sorrow will do nothing for us. It only eats at the precious time we have left.
“Stop.” I can only give him a single word before I have to take a steadying breath. I can feel myself breaking, but I won’t. He must see it, but he doesn’t come to me. He doesn’t try to comfort me and I have to reach behind me, gripping the edge of the desk to brace myself.
“You said it yourself.” Carter starts to give my own words back to me, and I have to look away from him, staring at the massive windows although I don’t see anything at all. “You said you’d never forgive me, and we both know it’s the truth and what I deserve.”
With my fingers wrapping tight around the pearls, I speak calmly and aimlessly, “Such a reasonable gesture then, to pull away from me and not fight for me.” On the last word, I turn to look at him. “Just end it then, send me back?”
Although it’s a false threat, a cold chill creeps up my body. It slows everything—my breath, my pulse.
A tic in Carter’s jaw starts to spasm as he turns away from me, leaning his hips against the desk and bracing himself on it as I am to look out toward the windows with me.
“The moment I heard your voice, I knew once I had you, I’d never let you go.” His voice is low and full of solace. Inside I’m reeling with the ticking time bomb of the truth he doesn’t know.
“Which moment?” I ask him.
I can’t look at him, knowing what’s about to spill from my lips. The revelation that could change everything. If ever there was a time to confess what I’ve been hiding, it’s now, when there’s nothing left to hold us together.
“When your father let me go. He let me live, and it’s only because you called out.”
“It wasn’t me,” I blurt out, and the words are dead on my lips, completely at odds with the emotion in his. I have to clear my throat and repeat my words when he says nothing at all. “I never knocked at the door. It wasn’t me.”
“I heard your voice,” Carter starts to speak and even takes a half step closer to me, but I cut him off, and stare into his eyes as I confess.
“It wasn’t me. I never went to that side of the house.” My head shakes as my voice goes hoarse and I have to pause and swallow. My mother died on the floor directly above where my father worked. I never wanted to go back to that side of the house ever again after it happened. “I would have never told my father I needed him. I would have never interrupted his work.” My heart clenches with unbearable pain at the look in Carter’s eyes. “More than that, my father wouldn’t have stopped what he was doing for me,” I tell him a truth that causes the small part of me that still craves more love from my father to twist in pain. “It wasn’t me you heard.”
“You’re lying,” Carter speaks but there’s no conviction.
”You know I don’t need to lie to you.” With a deep breath in and then a desperate one out, I tell him, “I love you, but if you only want me here because you wanted the girl who saved your life,” bastard tears gather in my eyes but I refuse to let them fall as I swallow and continue, “if you only wanted some girl you’ve dreamed about…”
I can’t continue as Carter’s eyes narrow at me and his grip tightens on the desk behind him.
“I didn’t want to tell you because I thought if you knew, you wouldn’t want me anymore.” A single tear falls, and I ignore it. “If you only wanted me because of that night, because you thought it was me, then let me leave.” When I lick my dry lips, I taste the salt of more tears. Tears I refuse to acknowledge.
“It was never supposed to be me,” I whisper as I wipe under my burning eyes and gaze at the bookshelf behind him. His own gaze is unreadable and unforgiving; the mask has slipped back into place.
“I don’t believe you,” he says and Carter’s voice is low and threatening. With the cold air settling against my bare skin, I feel more exposed in this moment than I have in so long. “I know your voice. It was you.”
My heart flickers as Carter moves a half step closer, his gaze sizing me up like when I was first in the cell.
“I’m not lying, Carter. It was never supposed to be me.”
“I just don’t know why you’re lying.” Carter continues as if I haven’t exposed a truth that ruins everything he thought about me, every piece he both hated and loved before he even saw me.
“Stop calling me a liar.” A small flame ignites inside of me as he stalks closer, invading my space and towering over me. My voice is firm, bordering on hard.
I can feel my eyes narrowing on his as he approaches so close I can feel the heat from his skin. The flames lick between us as he smirks at me, letting his gaze roam up and down my body.
“What did you think telling me that would accomplish?” he questions me. It’s a fucking interrogation.
Rage burns in my blood. I have to quickly take in a deep breath to keep from snapping.
“I wanted to share something with you that would change things. Something that would sway the position you hold on how we’ve always been enemies and-”
He cuts me off and rebuts in a casual tone, “But our families have always been enemies.”
His gaze is ever assessing. I’m the enemy in this moment. I’m a liar in his eyes.
“You’re a fool to think I’d lie to you.” My response comes with more pain than I imagined it would.
The smile that graces his lips doesn’t hide his hurt. “Am I?”
“I’m not a liar.” My hands clench at my sides and the emotions that crept up before crash into me suddenly, like rough waves at the shore. “And this was a mistake.” I don’t know if I mean telling him he’s mistaken, not running when I could… or falling in love with him to begin with. Maybe all of it.
“It was all a mistake,” I whisper to myself before looking back at Carter. At a version of him that’s guarded and impenetrable while all I am is vulnerable to him. “I know that now.” The realization is sobering.
I meet his gaze as I tell him, “I’m not who you think I am. I’m Aria Talvery and this was never supposed to happen.”
With one of his palms braced on the desk, he lowers his gaze until we’re eye to eye and his lips are close to mine. So close, and that side of me that wants nothing more than his affection begs me to take them with my own and silence whatever words he dares to speak. But I don’t.
“You may be a Talvery, but you’re on the wrong territory, little songbird.” Backing away slightly, he searches for something in my expression before adding, “And even if you hate me, I won’t be letting you go.”
