[text: Donovan] Otto is in the hospital
[text: Donovan] Come when you can
That’s the text I get that has me sprinting to Lighthouse Medical.
Luckily, I’m not far—I went to the mainland for some last-minute Christmas gifts. I found a sweater Otto’s size that I decided would look good on him, but I abandon it with the person at the checkout counter the second I get Donovan’s text.
I get in my car, drive to the ferry, and listen to the pounding of my own heartbeat as I wait for the minutes to tick by painfully slowly until the ferry comes back around.
I’m trying not to launch into a full-blown panic.
Otto is in the hospital. My baby boy is sick.
He’s been sick his whole life. He was a sick child—so much so that I’d had to strap him into a helmet when we left the house so he wouldn’t hurt his head if he fainted.
The kidney transplant helped, but it wasn’t a cure-all. He’s had to keep up with immunosuppressants, making him extra susceptible to anything and everything. Anything from a minor cold to a rare swine flu; if it’s floating around, he’ll got it.
I should be used to these kinds of texts. But I’m not.
Every time I get them, it sends a sick rush of adrenaline pumping through my veins. My vision blurs, my heartbeat is loud in my ears, and even though I have the car window cracked open, I’m sweating bullets underneath my puffy winter coat.
Finally, the ferry arrives and carries me and my car across the lake and to Hannsett Island. It’s a bright, clear-blue day, and gulls swoop overhead. Every now and then, they perch on the ferry, hop around the ice, and then shake the cold off their wings and take flight again.
The ferry gets closer, bringing the lighthouse into view. It’s a tall, red structure that’s been around for ages. Attached to the lighthouse are the two main wings of the Lighthouse Medical Center. Donovan runs the Lighthouse Medical Center, Jason operates as a surgeon as needed, and now Otto is there, too.
No matter what, we always circle back to this place.
The ferry pulls in and drops the ramp, letting us out. I chug my car up the main road and into the medical center parking lot.
I’m right behind Jason. He steps out of his cab smartly dressed in a navy blue suit. He must have come fresh out of shooting his promo spot.
“Jason!”
He turns at his name. His expression melts from one of anxiety to relief.
I rush to him, and he wraps his arms around me. He swallows me up in his huge frame. For a minute, I’m safe.
Jason King is the human equivalent of a Snuggie.
“You okay?” he asks.
“I’m terrified,” I tell him honestly.
He kisses the top of my head. Then he takes my hand in his and gives a squeeze.
It’s his way of saying: whatever we’re walking into, we’ll do it together.
Jason is nothing if not the most loyal man I’ve ever met.
We walk into the hospital, hand in hand. A couple of doctors who know us stop us briefly to say hi, but their smiles are weak.
It’s that feeling of walking into a room when everyone knows something you don’t.
The lump of panic is rising in my chest. Jason texts Donovan, who gives us the room number. I take deep breaths as we take the elevator up.
“It’s going to be okay,” Jason tells me.
I know he’s trying to be comforting, but he can’t know that.
No one can.
I say nothing and let the elevator carry us.
Donovan is waiting for us outside of Otto’s room.
It’s the three of us again. The Three Muskrats.
Donovan gives me a tight squeeze, and we break apart. When he spots Jason, however, he just gives the other man a nod and a “Hey.”
It’s weird. Things have been weird ever since Donovan stopped sleeping in our bed nearly a month ago.
It’s not a divorce. Not a breakup. Just a break.
Things had been strained in our household ever since Maria died earlier this year.
As it turns out, both my husbands have completely incompatible ways of dealing with grief. Jason refused to talk about Maria at all. Donovan, meanwhile, woke us up nearly every night thrashing in his sleep.
Donovan had been with her when she’d passed. It was hard on him.
But with one man refusing to acknowledge the elephant in the room while the elephant was sitting on the other man’s chest…well.
It got bad.
All three of us agreed to take some space. Breathe for a second. Come back together after the holidays and figure things out from there.
It killed me to agree to it. I didn’t want to spend any period of time away from Donovan. But from the hollowed-out, pained look in his eyes, I knew…
He wasn’t requesting space. He was begging for space. And if he didn’t get it, things were just going to go from bad to worse.
But now, standing here with the two of them and this knife-sharp tension between the three of us, all I can think is: Dear God, if I only get one Christmas miracle this year, please let these boys get along.
“How is he?” Jason asks. His voice is clipped, professional.
Jason and Donovan both work at the same hospital. If nothing else, they’re good at being in business mode around each other.
Donovan’s lips turn downward in a way I’ve come to know means bad news. “It’s his kidney.”
My breath catches. “Is it time?”
“Yeah. It’s time.”
“Okay.” I slip my hand through my hair. “We’ve planned for this. We knew this was coming. Maybe not this soon, but…it’s going to be okay.” I rake my fingers through my hair. “I want to see him.”
Donovan steps aside to let me through.
I open the door, and when Otto sees it’s me, a lopsided smile cuts across his face.
Even at thirty, my boy is a sweet boy, and he’s always happy to see his mama.
But as soon as the smile is there, it vanishes, when he remembers where he is and why I’m here.
Why we’re all here.
“Hey, baby,” I say to him. I press a kiss to the top of his head and sit down on the hospital bed beside him.
“Hey.” His smile is weak now. “Sorry. My present kind of sucks this year.”
I link my fingers in between his. It’s so hard to see him like this.
“What happened?” I ask.
“Did Donovan tell you?”
“Tell us what?”
All eyes turn to Donovan. Donovan clears his throat. “Otto has been hiding his blood work results and using Diego to cover for him. He’s been in renal failure for some time now.”
My mouth drops open. I look back at my son and ask, “Otto…why?”
“Because I knew if I told you, you’d freak out.”
“Okay, well…I’m calm.” I force my voice to be level. “I think I’m impressively calm, all things considered. This doesn’t have to be a dramatic situation. We’ll call your sister and explain what’s going on… How long is the flight from London? Seven hours?”
“No.” Otto says it so quietly, I almost don’t hear him.
“No?”
“No.” Now his voice is firm. Those blue eyes fix on mine. “I’m not getting a new kidney.”
I look at Donovan, my mouth open. He just crosses his arms over his chest in a half shrug.
Jason comes over and puts his hand on Otto’s shoulder. “Look, buddy, I just want you to understand…at this stage, the organ is in complete failure. We can’t revive it.”
“Don’t talk to me like a kid.” Otto’s eyes flash. “I know how this works. I’m an adult. I get to make my own choices about my body.”
“Okay.” I smooth my hand over Otto’s. “So what do you want to do?”
Instead of answering, he turns to look at Donovan.
He’s always looked to Donovan for answers.
Donovan takes his cue. “Nixing the organ transplant, we can get you on some infusions to flush your kidney. Then it’s a rigorous schedule of dialysis treatments.”
“Yeah,” Otto says. “We’ll do that.”
Otto leans his head back against the headboard and closes his eyes. He looks weary. Tired.
It sends pinpricks straight through my heart.
It feels like just yesterday we were here. Twenty years ago, Otto and I traveled from England to the small island of Hannsett to get help when Otto became incredibly sick. It was that same trip that he met his biological father, Jason, for the first time. While they were treating him, I fell back in love with both Jason and Donovan. When we found out that Otto needed a new kidney, I didn’t know how I’d get through it. Jason and I weren’t able to donate. Donovan was. Donovan gave Otto the kidney he needed, and the rest is history.
I knew it wouldn’t last forever. But I didn’t need forever—I just needed more time.
And now we’re back to square one. Back at the place I never wanted to be.
Otto has a match. His little sister, Joan. Joan is eighteen now. She’s always wanted to be there for her older brother—even if that means making the incredible choice of a kidney donation.
But never in a million years did I imagine Otto would say no.
Jason stands. He moves to the door and gives Donovan’s shoulder a pat. As he exits, I hear him murmur to the other man, “Let’s talk.”
“Yep.”
Donovan’s brown eyes meet my gaze briefly, and then he turns and heads outside with Jason.
I notice their locked jaws, tensed postures.
I look back at Otto. He looks half-asleep. “Hey, baby…can I get you anything?”
“An extra blanket, maybe?” he asks. He shivers. “It’s freezing.”
“You’ve got it.”
I stand, kiss the top of his head, and make my way to the door.
“Mom.” I stop and glance back at him. He smiles weakly. “Thanks.”
I know what he’s saying. Thanks for not pushing me on this.
He has no idea how hard it is to keep myself from shaking him by the shoulders and screaming, I’m your mom! Say yes to the kidney! Do what I tell you to do!
But he’s a grown man now. And I have to let that part of me go.
So I just smile back at him. “You’re my bacon.”
“You’re mine.”
It’s our way of saying I love you. It’s been our secret code, ever since he was a kid.
With that, I exit his room. Immediately, I walk into chaos.
“—all your fault!”
Great. Here we go.
I exhale and see Jason jabbing his finger into Donovan’s chest. Donovan barks a bitter, scathing laugh. “My fault?”
“He’s holding on to that kidney because it’s yours! You need to go in there and tell him to let go!”
“Right, because you know what’s best for everyone, don’t you?” Donovan’s smile is sharp. “Dr. King. Fucking guru of medicine. We’re just lucky to kiss your ass—”
“Stop it!”
At the sound of my voice, both men turn to me and swallow their tongues.
“It’s Christmas Eve.” I seethe. “It’s goddamn, fucking Christmas Eve, and I’m spending it in the hospital while our son goes into organ failure. Now I have to deal with the two of you arguing like children on top of it.”
“Sorry,” Jason says quickly.
Donovan stays silent. He just stares at the floor, jaw tight, arms crossed over his chest.
I sigh. “Work this out. Or don’t. I don’t care. But he needs us right now.” I look at Donovan and add pointedly, “All three of us. United.”
