Three years ago
I’M PANTING as I finish up the asshole who dared touch her.
Put his fucking hands on her.
Made her—
“Fuck!” I roar as I jam my fist into the wall over and over again.
Pain explodes in my knuckles and blood oozes from the cut skin. It does nothing to quell the rage boiling inside me. If anything, it fans the flames, making it burn hotter, needing the release.
I kick the sorry fuck lying on the floor by my feet. He releases a helpless, childlike whimper, but he’s already unconscious in the middle of his living room.
When I came here dressed in a ski mask and carrying a bat, I meant to beat him to a pulp, but after the first hit, it just wasn’t enough. I had to feel his skin bleeding underneath mine.
Ever since I walked in on this fucker shoving his dick down Reina’s throat, all I’ve been seeing is black.
I punched him at first, and he begged like a damsel in distress. He asked if I’m the father of one of the girls he keeps pictures of. It got interesting then.
I didn’t hold back.
I held him against the wall and jammed my fist into his face until one of his eyes swelled shut. His nose is probably broken and he keeps bleeding all over the carpet like a pig.
Then when he fell, screaming at me to spare him, I kicked him some more. When he begged and told me he wouldn’t peep on little girls anymore, I pressed on his chest with my boots until I heard the pop of his ribs breaking.
He’s out now. Boring fuck.
“Come on.” I crouch beside him. “Fight me, motherfucker.”
He coughs, gurgling on blood. Both his eyes are now closed, one of them swollen and purple.
I clasp his shirt in my fingers and lift him up off the ground. His blond hair streaked with white strands is half soaked in red.
“You dare touch her.” My voice is on the verge of blowing up. “You fucking dare come down her throat.”
He murmurs, trying to say something, but it only comes out as unintelligible sounds.
I shake him, making his head loll in an awkward position as if about to snap. When he speaks again, I lean closer to his blood-soaked face, all swollen and unrecognizable.
“S-she…she…b-begged for…my cock.”
I freeze, and for a second, I think I’m going to turn to ice and break.
I don’t.
A deep, black rage envelops me in its clutches like a vice. I rise to my feet, my muscles clenching so tight as if about to fucking crack.
I kick him in the groin until he wheezes in pain. “This cock?”
He groans and spasms on the floor, but I don’t stop. I keep kicking him over and over again until I’m sure I’ve turned him impotent.
It’s a mistake such a sick fucker like him has a working dick anyway.
Once he’s no longer moving, I leave his suburban house that he got by teaching kids and getting into their pants.
After making sure no one sees me, I slip out the back entrance and through the bushes where I hid my car.
For a second, I stand there, panting. My hands are smeared in blood, and my shoes are too. I can barely breathe with the ski mask on.
This is what she turned me into.
A fucking criminal with no regrets whatsoever.
She pulled me by the gut years ago and since refused to let me go.
I retrieve my phone and dial the person who’ll take care of this whole mess.
“Alexander Carson speaking.”
Only my father would answer his son’s call by stating his full name.
“Asher Gray Carson speaking.” I can’t help the sarcasm.
He sighs. “What is it, Asher? I’m busy.”
“You’ll get busier then.”
“What did you do now? Hit another student for looking at Reina?” He sighs again. “I’m tired of your antics with your classmates. I can’t keep paying off those kids’ parents every time.”
“Sure you can. That’s your role, isn’t it? Paying for things.”
I can imagine him closing his eyes and rubbing his brows. It’s what he does every time I tell him he was never a father to Ari or me, as if he’s searching for the patience to deal with me.
“Is there a point behind your call, Asher? If not, I have things—”
“I hit a teacher. It’s the worst beating so far. I don’t know if he’ll live or die.”
“What did you just say?”
“A teacher, Alexander. I want him gone from Blackwood. Make sure to search his background—he’s a fucking pedophile.”
“How involved are you?” His voice is strained.
To an outsider, it’d seem as if he cares about his son’s wellbeing. In reality, he doesn’t want anything to smear his perfect, diligent name, which he spent years building. If his son is labeled a criminal, no one will hire his firm.
I stare at my hands and the blood glinting in the light.
How involved am I?
“Very deeply,” I tell Alexander.
“Have you left any fingerprints?”
“A few, yes.” I came with gloves, but I had to feel his blood on my skin.
“Fucking hell.” He breathes into the phone. “Fine, leave. I’ll take care of it.”
I hang up without another word. Alexander doesn’t deserve any thanks. After all, he left us alone to fend for each other after Mom’s death. The least he can do is pay the price for what we’ve become.
Me, full of rage and deep-seated pain.
Ari, fragile and sometimes cold.
It takes me fifteen minutes to reach our house and then head to my room. For a moment, I stop in front of the room opposite mine.
Her room.
Since her father’s death at the beginning of the year, Reina’s been living with us.
With me.
In person, but never in mind.
My fists clench on either side of me as I remember the fucker’s words.
She begged for my cock.
He could have been lying. I should believe that, but he was in no state of mind to think of a lie after I beat him nearly to death.
Besides, after all Reina has done, what makes this any different?
I close my eyes to push the thought of her away, but the sucking sounds she made from under that table as he stroked her hair assault my brain. She sounded like a fucking porn star.
I should’ve killed that motherfucker.
“What…what happened?” Her slightly breathy voice makes my eyes open.
Reina stands at her doorway in her sleeping shorts and top. They mold against her athletic body like a second skin.
A temptress. She’s always been such a fucking temptress.
Her eyes that usually hold no emotions widen a little as she takes in my bloodied hands and shoes, my clenched fists and jaw. I bet I’m a sight to behold.
“What’s with your hands? Why is there blood?” She approaches me and reaches a hand out as if to touch me before she quickly drops it to her side, realizing who she is and who I am.
Reina doesn’t touch me. She doesn’t even let me kiss her. The few times I tried, she shut me off so hard, it still draws a black hole in my chest.
But she begged for the teacher’s cock.
She lets the other football players flirt with her as if she’s single.
As if I don’t fucking exist.
“Have you been hitting people again? What is wrong with you?” She folds her arms over her chest, building that invisible wall between us.
I fucking hate it when she does that.
At this time, I have no room to think, let alone act rationally.
The rage that’s been plaguing me since the afternoon has mounted and heightened to dangerous levels.
I thought beating that sick fuck would satiate it, but it’s made it worse.
Or rather, his words did.
I storm toward Reina and wrap my hand around her throat, my bloodied hand with the busted knuckles. Reina barely flinches as I slam her back against the wall.
“You.” My mouth hovers inches away from hers. “You’re what’s fucking wrong with me, Reina.”
Her face reddens—from the lack of air—but she doesn’t struggle. She doesn’t attempt to push me off her.
A statue.
A cold, lifeless statue.
Why the fuck have I ever thought she could be something else?
I release her with a roar, my tendons ripping with tension. Then I slam my fists on either side of her face, ripping my knuckles even more.
Fresh blood trails down the wall as I pant, staring down at her. She watches me back with eyes so blue, they could drown me.
She doesn’t even blink, just stands there.
But for the first time in a long time, a tear slides down her cheek. It’s only one single tear, but it creates havoc in her gaze.
For a moment, her eyes fill with a deep sense of sadness, and it guts me. It rips me open and cuts me into pieces.
I don’t think when I lower my head and slam my lips to hers, biting them, devouring them. Reina is that forbidden fruit, something that tastes exquisite because it’s sin. Her mouth trembles and I take the opening to thrust my tongue inside. I feast on her, on her breaths and the softness. On her taste and even her fucking coldness.
She doesn’t kiss me back. Reina never kisses me back, but at least this time, she doesn’t push me away, she just lets me kiss the daylights out of her while she stands there, both her hands glued to her side.
Then, as if realizing she shouldn’t let this happen, her hands fist and she shoves me an arm’s length away. Her chest rises and falls with exertion, matching the rhythm of mine.
“Forget me, Asher,” she whispers. “I don’t deserve whatever you’re doing for me.”
“Forget you?” I wrap my hand around her throat again. It doesn’t cut her air off this time; it’s only firm enough to keep her in place, to feel her pulse and know she’s indeed a human, not a robot. “You think that can happen with a snap of a finger? If I could, I would’ve done it ages ago.”
As quickly as her vulnerability showed, she tucks it away again and her cold self comes back to light, like ice that never melts.
“We’re toxic,” she says. “That’s all we are.”
“And it’s your fault, prom queen. The next time you let anyone touch you, I’ll fucking murder them.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“Try me. You keep bringing out my ugly side, and I’m curious to see how far I’ll go.” I release her with a shove and stalk back to my room.
After I strip, I stand under the cold shower for more than twenty minutes, my cock hard and pulsing.
Every second, I fight the urge to barge into her room and fuck her while choking her. I don’t care how, I just have to fuck her, claim her, teach her she’s fucking mine.
Knowing Reina, she’ll only let me touch her if I rape her.
She’ll stay still as I finish like some fucking animal.
I’m not interested in that. I’m not interested in her cold shoulder and stiff attitude. I want her to scream my name, to writhe beneath me as I pound into her.
I want her to want me as much as I want her.
She’s been giving me fucking blue balls for years.
Shutting off the water, I wrap a towel around my waist and exit the bathroom. I bandage my wounds then don basketball shorts and a T-shirt before sitting on the balcony.
The night sky is bright with so many stars.
A long time ago, when we were twelve, I confessed to Reina how much I miss my mom. It was the first time I admitted it after her death.
When I was ten, I became responsible for Ari and myself. Alexander was useless. I had to be an adult too young, and over time, I always wanted to tell someone I missed my mom. That, sometimes, I looked at her picture and blamed her for leaving us with Alexander, and then I felt shitty about it.
The only person who knew that was Reina. It was nighttime and our fathers had some meeting, so we lay on our backs in the backyard and stared up.
Reina pointed at the stars and mentioned her dad said her mom is looking down at her from up there. She said it was stupid and she didn’t believe it. She told me I needed to take care of myself so when I meet my mom again, she’ll be proud of me.
Then, she held my hand and told me, “I want my mom to be proud of me when we meet again. I miss her, too.”
I think that was the moment I got caught in her trap and never managed to find a way out.
Reina wasn’t as closed off back then as she is now. She used to talk to me and tell me things. We used to be friends, best friends even.
The change began after our engagement. She started keeping her distance, as if she wasn’t supposed to be seen with me.
It’s become the worst since Gareth’s death. She let me hug her to sleep on the night of his funeral, just that one night, and in the morning, she turned into this unfeeling statue who acted like a robot.
Who antagonized me on purpose.
Avoided me on purpose.
A deep sigh rips from me as I stare at the stars. Just when did I lose that girl who held my hand? Can I even get her back now?
“Gray!”
My baby sister Ari barges onto the balcony, a wide grin on her face.
Fuck, I’ve been too preoccupied in my reverie; I didn’t notice her coming in.
Ari’s black hair is gathered on top of her head as her eyes glint. They’re light green and blue, a mixture of Mom’s and Alexander’s. Her face is so much like Mom, as if she’ll grow up to be her one day.
All the excitement vanishes from her face as she focuses on my hands.
Even though they’re bandaged, it’s clear they’re injured.
“Oh my God. What happened, Gray?”
Ari is the only one who calls me by my middle name. It started when we were young and she decided Asher was too hard. Besides, Mom named me Asher after our late grandfather, and Ari wasn’t a big fan of him.
“Practice.” I grin. “How was my favorite girl’s day?”
I don’t want to throw my shit on Ari. For her, I’m only supposed to be the brother she can rely on—unlike our father.
“Boring.” She sits opposite me. “And that can’t be from practice.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“I’m worried about you.” She stares at her lap. “You’re the only one I have, and I feel like I’m losing you to your obsession with Reina.”
I freeze, my chest tightening with tension. Maybe I haven’t been discreet enough; maybe my moods are affecting Ari.
Fuck. Her therapist told us not to expose her to too much stress.
“It won’t happen anymore.” I soften my voice. “I’ll be cool.”
It’s a lie.
This thing won’t stop.
Call it an obsession, an addiction, or sheer insanity, but it just won’t stop.
It keeps pulsing under my skin like a fucking beast, destructive and deadly.
“I understand why you’re like that with her, you know.” She peeks at me before she focuses back on her nails, clinking them against one another.
It’s her nervous habit.
“Reina is special, but she doesn’t love anyone.” Her voice fills with sadness. “Not even you, Gray.”
My jaw tightens and I force it to loosen up.
Don’t affect Ari.
Don’t you dare affect Ari.
If she’s too stressed, she’ll just start doing stupid shit like walking in the night and crying out of nowhere.
We barely got her stabilized, with Reina’s help. We can’t go back to that phase.
“But you just can’t help it, right?” she asks slowly.
“I can.”
Her eyes light up. “You can?”
I would do anything to keep Ari happy. Fucking anything.
“Of course. I’m only with her because of Alexander and Gareth’s deal. Reina means fuck to me. I never even liked her that much.”
“Really?”
“Yes,” I lie through my teeth.
Ari needs to believe I’m keeping it together in order for her to follow through. She emulates me in everything, sometimes mood included.
“In that case…” She stares back at her lap. “I have a confession to make. You’re the first person I’m telling this, and…and…I-I don’t want you to judge me.”
She’s back to clinking her nails.
I force my gaze away from them and smile. “I’d never do that. I’m your Gray, remember? The cloud that protects you from everything.”
The clinking stops as she smiles up at me.
Even her smile is like Mom’s.
Soon after, she stares at her lap again. “When Reina came into our lives, she took care of me without asking for anything in return. It made me feel so grateful to have someone else besides you and Dad care for me. I thought…I thought only my family would ever love me, so when Reina did, it brought brightness to my life.”
I nod. While Reina changed toward me, she never treated Ari differently. She took care of her and stopped other students from bullying her.
And for that, I’m grateful.
“Over time…” She trails off then blurts, “The brightness intensified.”
“Right.”
“You don’t understand?” She peeks at me.
My brows furrow. “Understand what?”
“I love Rei.”
“I know you do.”
“No, not that type of love. I’m in love with her, Gray—romantically. Like I can’t live without her.”
I remain still as if someone spilled a bucket of ice water over my head.
In love with her.
Romantically.
What in the ever-loving fuck?
Ari goes back to clinking her nails manically. “You…you said you wouldn’t judge me.”
Fuck.
My pulse rises as if I’m coming down from an adrenaline high.
Am I surprised my baby sister prefers girls? Sure, a little, but I’m not judging her for that.
Not at all.
If she thinks she’s better with a girl, so be it. It’s her life.
But why the fuck does it have to be Reina?
Just why?
“Do you…do you hate me?” Her voice turns brittle. “Please don’t hate me. I’m so sorry, Gray. I didn’t mean to be like this and…”
“Hey.” I take her hands in mine, forcing my face muscles to stop clenching. “I’ll never hate you, Ari. You’re my baby sister. I’ll love you until you’re old and gray.”
“You’re okay with what I just said?”
“Sure,” I manage to say. “It’s up to Reina to decide.”
“You think I should confess?” Her eyes regain some of their brightness.
“Do as you like, Ari.”
I just hope Reina will turn her down gently. She usually has a good motherly instinct with her.
And I’m sure Reina won’t accept. She’s never showed interest in the same sex, and while she resisted me, she wasn’t always immune to my touch. I always noticed how her skin heated and her body struggled so she wouldn’t melt against mine.
Maybe that’s why it pisses me the fuck off that she always pushed me away.
When Ari realizes she has no future with Reina, her infatuation will wither away.
“Thanks, Gray!” She throws her arms around my neck in a hug. “You’re the best brother in the world.”
No, I’m the worst.
Because I don’t want to share Reina.
Not even with my sister.
