Four hours earlier…
“I’ll be back in two hours,” Caleb said. His gaze was apologetic, as if he didn’t want to leave but had to. “I told Matthew to text the team and meet at his place. I need to make sure there are no more posters around.”
I tamped down the trepidation I was feeling. I didn’t feel good about this. “It’s over now. Do you have to do this tonight?”
“Yes. He won’t hurt you again. I’ll make sure of it,” Caleb promised, his eyes dark and intense as he held my face in his hands.
I closed my eyes. I was torn between flinching away from his touch and wanting more of it. The memory of Caleb mad with anger, almost blinded with it, wouldn’t leave my mind.
I nodded and slipped out of the car. I paused when I reached the front door of Kara’s apartment, then turned around. Caleb was still parked, waiting for me to get inside before leaving. His car windows were tinted so I couldn’t see inside, but I knew he was watching me.
I waved goodbye and entered the apartment. As soon as I got inside, exhaustion overtook me. I hadn’t slept in more than twenty-four hours. Maybe I’d just take a nap.
The apartment was empty. I glanced at the clock and noted that Kara’s class would be done in an hour and that I needed to make us dinner. I’d just close my eyes for half an hour…
* * *
I always hated the dark.
The dark brought bad things. It carried the promise of pain. Especially if you were a bad, bad girl.
I tried to be good, to follow the rules, because if I didn’t, the monster would come back. The monster who looked so much like my daddy.
But the monster had been gone a long time. That meant that I could play in the forest again. Maybe I could even have friends now. One of Daddy’s rules was never to talk to prying adults or damned social workers or tell any-fucking-body what happens in our house. Be a good girl or else. That was his warning.
But the monster was gone. So today I went to the forest and met a boy with green eyes. He even gave me a peanut butter sandwich. Eating it made me scared and excited at the same time, because I knew the monster hated peanut butter. But the monster was gone, and I could eat whatever I wanted.
We made mud by mixing dirt and water, and we painted our faces with it. I looked like Batgirl and he looked like Batman, and we played all day. When it got dark, I had to say goodbye. He said he would come back tomorrow and we could play again.
I ran home, feeling excited to tell Mommy about my day. Maybe we could pick flowers from the garden again tomorrow. She had such pretty vases we could put them in. I pushed the screen door open, clutching my half-eaten sandwich. I didn’t want to eat it all. I wanted to save it. Because if I ate it all, then how could I be sure the boy with the green eyes was real and wasn’t just a dream? I finally had a friend, and I was happy. Very happy.
“Hello, Veronica.”
My body filled with dread, and the sandwich fell from my hand.
The monster was back. It looked like Daddy, but I knew it wasn’t. Daddy didn’t have those eyes that looked at you like he wanted to hurt you. Daddy was good and never hurt me or Mommy.
“What is this?” The monster picked up the half-eaten sandwich from the floor. He sniffed it, his eyes widening in disbelief. “Where the fuck did you get this?”
The monster grabbed my arm, and I cried out in pain. It hurt so much. Tears pricked my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. The monster hated tears. If I cried, it would only hurt me more.
“You’ve been a bad girl. Do you know what happens to bad girls?”
I stared at him, frozen with terror. I wanted to run, but my body wouldn’t move.
“Dom! Leave her alone!”
It was Mommy. The monster shoved me away and lunged at her. I watched helplessly as he dragged her to the kitchen by her hair.
“Please don’t!” Mommy cried out.
With a quick swipe of his arm, he sent the vase flying off the table, and it shattered on the floor. The flowers that Mommy and I had picked from our garden were broken now.
The monster was still holding Mommy by the hair as he opened cupboards, grabbing everything that Mommy and I had carefully arranged and throwing it everywhere.
“Where the fuck is it? I told you not to buy it. Simple rules, Tanya, but you can’t even do them right, can you? You useless piece of shit.”
“How could you talk about rules? I saw you with your woman yesterday.”
That made the monster angrier, and it threw Mommy on the floor. Right where the broken glass was. Mommy cried out in pain. And then she looked at me with frightened eyes and mouthed, Hide!
I ran to the laundry room, hiding under the sink and pushing my palms against my ears so I didn’t hear anything.
But I heard Mommy screaming, and inside my head, I was doing the same.
No, no, no. Please don’t. I won’t ever eat peanut butter again. I won’t ever…
And then Mommy stopped screaming.
I won’t eat it again. I promise. Don’t hurt Mommy.
My eyes were wide with terror as I watched the cupboard door open. The monster’s face was wild with madness as it grinned at me. “There you are.”
* * *
“Veronica! Wake up!”
I opened my eyes, panting. Kara knelt beside me, her face pinched with worry as she shook me awake.
“Jesus. What were you dreaming about?”
Bile rose in my throat, and I scrambled up and ran to the bathroom. I knelt in front of the toilet and threw up. I shut my eyes.
No. I don’t want to remember. I can’t remember…
I went to the sink and washed my mouth and face, willing myself to forget it. The nightmare was already fading away.
“If I didn’t know you guys haven’t had sex, I’d say you’re preggers.”
I sent Kara a grateful look as she tried to lighten the mood. Her eyes lingered on my face, searching. I turned my gaze from hers, hoping she wouldn’t probe for answers I wasn’t ready to give.
“I wasn’t sure if you were coming home tonight, so I picked up chow mein and veggie spring rolls. There’s enough to share,” she said. I could still feel her eyes on me. “I’ll be in the kitchen.”
I nodded. I waited until she was gone before I closed the bathroom door. I leaned my back against the door and slid to the floor, pulling my knees to my chest and burrowing my face in my hands.
The nightmares were back.
I didn’t want to be the scared, helpless little girl who was afraid of the dark. I wasn’t that girl anymore.
I let myself relax, taking deep breaths. I knew the scene I’d witnessed on campus today triggered the nightmare. The scene where Caleb let violence consume him. It had scared me to see him beat Justin that savagely. I had seen Caleb fight before, with Damon, but it was nothing like the rage he’d released when he had Justin by the throat…
Don’t worry, Red. I’m going to protect you.
Oh, Caleb.
He made me feel safe, cherished…loved. Even when I pushed him away, he never stopped loving me.
That moment in the multipurpose room, when I thought he was going to kill Justin, I’d called out his name. And he came back. He came back for me. He didn’t cause pain just because he could or because he got off on it… He did it to protect me. Because…because he loved me. He wasn’t like the monster in my childhood. He wasn’t like my dad.
I got up from the floor and stared at my reflection in the mirror. My face was pale, and dark circles hung under my eyes. I brushed my teeth quickly and washed my face again.
I was going to eat a goddamn peanut butter sandwich.
