I SIT UP STRAIGHT, worry sobering me. He props the phone against his ear with his shoulder while pulling his pants on.
“What’s going on?” he asks when Donna answers. Concern is etched into his features, which were so relaxed a moment ago.
He pauses, listening, hands faltering on his socks. His eyes widen. I’m already off the bed, getting dressed.
“Okay,” he says before listening more. “I’ll go over to her place to see if she’s okay.” He glances at me. “Can you try those breathing exercises Pippa did with you?”
He listens, but his eyes are locked on me, brows knitted together as I pull my sweater on, goosebumps rising all over my arms.
After promising to call her back, he hangs up before scrolling through his contacts.
“What’s going on?”
“She had her friend Claire over for dinner and asked her to text her when she got home, but she didn’t, and then my mom couldn’t get a hold of her.” His jaw tightens. “And then it turned into a panic attack. She always worries people are going to get hit by a drunk driver.”
Claire came to a hockey game with us recently. She lives in the southern part of the city. It’ll take him an hour and a half to get there and then up to North Vancouver.
I’m buttoning my pants up. “I’ll go to your mom’s place.”
He shakes his head. “No, I can go there after.”
“Jamie, I’ll take an Uber to your mom’s place, and you can pick us up there after, or I can just take an Uber home if she’s fine.”
He stares at me, and something passes through his eyes. “Okay. Thank you, Pippa. I really appreciate this.”
“No problem.” I grab my phone and book a pet-friendly Uber before digging my headphones out of my bag and calling Donna.
“Pippa?” Her voice is high.
“Hey.” I smile at Jamie, and my tone is warm and reassuring. “I’m going to pay you a visit while Jamie drives out to Claire’s, and I’m bringing Daisy. Maybe we can take her for a walk around the neighborhood.”
“Okay.” She sounds hesitant, and her breathing is thin. “I could do that.”
“I’m going to stay on the phone with you until I get there,” I tell her, pulling my hoodie on.
I’ve been reading online about panic attacks. Some people who get them recommended distractions as a way to calm down.
“That would be nice.” She sounds relieved. “I’m so sorry, honey. I just got all worked up and then—” She cuts herself off. “I don’t know what happened.”
“It’s okay. Tell me about your day.”
While Donna talks, Jamie stares at me like he doesn’t know what to make of me, and I gesture at him to go. He nods and stalks out of the room, and moments later, I hear the front door close.
“Is that Orion?” I ask Donna, pointing up at the stars while Daisy sniffs a rosebush.
Donna cranes her neck. “I thought that was the Big Dipper.”
We talked on the phone the entire way here, and by the time I arrived, her breathing was almost back to normal. Jamie called to explain that Claire’s phone was dead and she couldn’t find her power cord. As Donna and I wander her neighborhood, I can hardly tell she had a panic attack within the last few hours.
“Huh.” I point over to the east. “I thought that was the Big Dipper.”
Donna laughs. “I have zero knowledge of astronomy, so don’t ask me.”
“Me neither.”
We both laugh, and she gives my shoulder an affectionate squeeze. “Thank you so much for coming up here on short notice, honey.” She rolls her eyes at herself, looking embarrassed. “I’m so sorry I took over your evening.”
“It’s fine.” I shake my head, smiling. “Honestly. We don’t want you to be stuck up here all by yourself.”
“Don’t say that to Jamie or he’ll try to move in with me again.”
I snort. “He can be stubborn when he wants to be.”
An image of him flashes into my head—arms folded over his chest, t-shirt straining across his shoulders as he glares down at me using the toy. My skin feels hot, and I turn away so Donna can’t see whatever expression is on my face.
“I pictured her in a car accident, like Paul,” Donna says quietly. “Jamie’s father. And then I couldn’t stop picturing it. It was like the thoughts took over and I couldn’t get a hold of things. They’re normally triggered by the smell of alcohol.” Her eyes meet mine, and she searches my expression for something. Judgment, maybe. “Sometimes driving. But never out of the blue like this.”
I make a noise of acknowledgment. “Lots of people have panic attacks. There are doctors who specialize in this.”
She shakes her head hard. “No. No way. No doctors, no medication.” She lets out a bitter laugh. “I’ve been there and I’m not going back.”
I think about what Jamie said at dinner tonight, about how his mom had depression when he was a kid, and that’s why he knows how to cook. My heart aches for them. I can see why Donna isn’t interested in revisiting the past, and I don’t even know the whole story.
“That looks like Scorpio,” Donna says, pointing at a cluster of stars.
I squint at them. “Yeah. I think you’re right.”
We both laugh, because we have no clue.
While we walk, we chat easily, but my mind slips back to Jamie and what we did in my bed. I can’t believe how easily things happened for me once he made me sit in his lap. That was the first time I was able to come with a guy. Maybe it was the way he felt against me, maybe it was the way he knew what he was doing, or maybe it was that exercise he did, where he asked me what I felt. Or maybe it was all of it combined.
Jamie isn’t just the hot hockey player I had a crush on in high school. He’s so much more. Under his surly, chiseled exterior, he’s kind and caring and protective. He cares more about the people in his life than about himself. He encourages me in music like no one else has. I’m becoming friends with his mom, and I love taking care of his dog.
Hesitation rises in my stomach, and my mouth twists to the side. Zach used to think I was special, but the shine wore off. I can’t bear the idea of Jamie losing interest in me like Zach did.
At just the idea of it, I feel sick. I can’t go through that again.
When we get back to Donna’s place, Jamie is already inside. I texted him earlier that we were out on a walk.
“Hi, honey,” Donna calls to him as he strides over to her, studying her face.
He scans her, worry in his eyes, and my heart twists. This is a lot for one person to deal with, and it must be tough to watch his mom struggle. He wraps her in a tight hug, and she sighs with exasperation.
“I’m completely fine,” she says. “Just ask Pippa.”
Jamie’s eyes find mine over her shoulder and he gives me a look of gratitude. I just smile and nod.
For the next half hour, Jamie hovers while Donna makes tea and I sit at the kitchen table, making conversation with her. Finally, Jamie is convinced his mom will be okay on her own, and she shoos us out the door.
The drive home is weirdly tense, and I sneak glances across the car at him. His jaw is tight. Our eyes meet.
“Thanks for tonight, Pippa,” he says, voice low and serious.
“Don’t mention it.”
He glances back at the road, looking frustrated. “I, uh. I would be so screwed without you.”
“I know.”
He huffs, amused. “Humble.”
I look at him with my eyebrows raised, smiling. “Don’t mention it. Honestly.”
He nods and turns back to the road, but tension still lingers in his expression. When we arrive home, Daisy can barely keep her eyes open as she heads upstairs. She sleeps in Jamie’s room when he isn’t traveling.
Jamie and I exchange a glance. Now that we’re alone again, I’m thinking about what we did earlier, how hot it was, how I want to do it again.
But we can’t. I know that. I can’t keep my emotions out of it the way Hazel suggested.
“About tonight,” he starts. His throat works and he rubs the back of his neck.
“I don’t think we should do it again,” I blurt out, and his eyes shoot to mine. Is that disappointment or relief? I can’t tell. “You have your mom and I have…” I trail off, shaking my head. I can’t tell him the truth.
I have a very breakable heart and a big crush on him.
“Right.” His intense gaze roams my face, studying me, and his jaw ticks again. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”
“No.” I shake my head. “You didn’t. It was great. Like, really great.” Okay, I’m blushing now. “I work for you and we have a good thing here.”
He nods, still watching me with that careful gaze. “Yeah. We do.”
My throat feels thick when I swallow. “Great.” I glance at the stairs. Through the giant windows of the living room, the ski-hill lights in the mountains twinkle, and I know I’m going to be staring at them for hours, replaying the entire night. “I should get to bed.”
“Good night, Pippa.” His voice is low, and there’s something in his eyes that makes me want to hug him.
“Good night.”
Inside my room, I lean against the closed door and gather my thoughts. Jamie doesn’t have room in his life for me—tonight was a huge reminder of that. It wasn’t Jamie’s fault; it was just bad timing, but I know he’s downstairs blaming himself for it. It’s going to keep happening, and he’s never going to choose me over his mom. He can’t. She needs him too much.
The whole situation has a neon warning sign over it that says DANGER, blinking, with giant red arrows pointing to it. If I let it continue, I know exactly how it’ll end for me.
