became a regular weekend event for Alessa and Rhonda. By summer, they depended on each other. Rhonda was generous with her clothes and makeup. Alessa readily accepted all the help she could get to improve her appearance.
Meanwhile, things hadn’t changed for Alessa at home. Uncle Danny still tormented her, except now, he was meaner because he resented her growing friendship with Rhonda.
“That Rhonda is trouble,” he told his sister, Caterina. “You shouldn’t let Alessa go out with her.”
For the first time in Alessa’s life, her mother’s ignorance and self-absorption worked in her favor. Caterina couldn’t care less, as long as her daughter stayed out of her hair and didn’t get into trouble. But she used the opportunity to warn her to behave.
“Don’t you go doing things with any boys,” Caterina warned.
“What things, Mom?”
“Like letting them touch you where they shouldn’t. Don’t you come home and tell me you’re pregnant. If you do, I’ll kill you.”
The thought of pummeling her mother to death flashed through Alessa’s mind for an instant. It was ironic how Caterina professed to be worried about the boys when her brother had been violating her daughter since she was a child. Caterina was a selfish fool who was suddenly concerned about Alessa’s sex life. Although she was only fourteen, Alessa knew that her mother was crazy, a woman who had only ever helped herself. However, it didn’t matter quite as much, since she had found comfort in her friendship with Rhonda.
Alessa slept over at Rhonda’s place whenever she could, to avoid her Uncle Danny. She and Rhonda confided in each other about a lot of things. However, Alessa kept her relationship with her uncle a secret. Noticing that Alessa had grown closer to Carl, Rhonda promised not to “do him” out of loyalty to her friend. By the end of summer, Alessa and Carl were making out in the woods every night on a blanket that all the Rope kids used. While they were into a lot of heavy petting, they hadn’t had intercourse. Alessa always told Rhonda everything she did in the woods with Carl.
One Saturday night after a party at the Rope, Alessa was lying in Rhonda’s bed with her. “So when are you going to have sex with Carl?” Rhonda asked.
Alessa gasped. “I don’t know,” she replied uncertainly. “He keeps asking me, but I’m afraid of getting pregnant. My mother threatened to kill me if I did.”
“Have you had an orgasm yet?”
Alessa shook her head vigorously. Rhonda turned on her side to face her. Then she caressed her. Alessa experienced the sensation that often gripped her when she was with Carl. As Rhonda continued teasing her with her feather-soft touch, her friend craved more. When Rhonda stilled for a few seconds, Alessa thought she would burst. At fourteen, Rhonda was an expert. She knew exactly how to drive her friend to the brink of sexual insanity and leave her hovering there. Alessa looked up at Rhonda with crazed eyes that begged her to continue with what she had been doing.
Rhonda reached down and caressed her softly again. She leaned in to kiss Alessa’s lips. With Rhonda still touching her, their lips met. Alessa’s back was arched and her body was electrified, weightless with a desire she had never known before. Alessa couldn’t hold back anymore and her first orgasm exploded within her. Rhonda rolled onto her back and stared up at the ceiling.
“That’s an orgasm,” she announced.
Alessa’s response was barely audible. “That was the most incredible feeling I’ve ever had in my whole life.”
Rhonda giggled, proud to have given her friend her first orgasm, and they talked into the night until they had both fallen asleep.
The next morning, after showering and eating breakfast, they headed down to the playground at Plymouth Elementary School. There was a dodgeball game on, and Rhonda quickly joined the crowd, throwing and catching the ball for her team. Alessa wasn’t athletic and sat it out. Carl was there, too. As she watched him play, she realized how much she liked him. He had been so nice to her all summer, and Alessa wondered to herself if Carl could ever make her feel the way Rhonda had the night before.
After the game was over, Alessa, Rhonda, Carl, and a half dozen other boys and girls walked over to the Plymouth Meeting Mall for lunch at Roy Rogers. Alessa was happy when she was with Rhonda and Carl. Her friendships with them ensured that the rest of the group accepted her. When she was with the two of them, she felt like a normal teenager.
After lunch, Rhonda and Alessa went into the Gap and laughed as they tried on jeans and T-shirts. Alessa enjoyed the experience because she didn’t get new clothes too often. Even when she got a new shirt or a pair of pants, it was never two items simultaneously. And there was no way her mother would ever buy her clothes from the Gap. She only shopped at bargain stores.
Having gotten used to not receiving new clothes from Caterina, Alessa had ceased to long for them. Accepting the limitations of her reality kept her sane and enabled her to see the truth in other people. Alessa had no doubts at all that her mother was self-centered, her father was a little more than a shadow, and her uncle a perverted asshole. This was a situation she would have to come to terms with on her own, for her siblings weren’t around often enough to help her through it. Other than Rosabella, she hardly knew them. She understood that Rhonda was her true confidante, even though she could never bring herself to disclose what her Uncle Danny had been doing to her for years.
Alessa had dinner at Rhonda’s that night. Rhonda lived with her mother, Zoe, who was single. Alessa thought she was the coolest woman on earth. Unlike her mother, Zoe was charming and beautiful and had long, curly, light brown hair. Dressed in tie-dye shirts and jeans, she had an elegance about her that mesmerized Alessa. To her, Zoe seemed like she was always barefoot, happy, and engrossed in all the music that the girls loved. When they were with her, they ate fish sticks and French fries, TV dinners, and boxed pizza. In this hideaway, Alessa enjoyed all the luxuries her mother had insisted were “too damn expensive to buy.” Zoe was also the first person who told her she had pretty eyes.
“Your eyes are warm, Alessa,” she had said, “because they are such a light brown. It’s like I can see into your soul. You have a good soul, Alessa. I can see it.”
Alessa loved Zoe almost from the moment she met her. Whenever she was at Rhonda’s house, watching horror movies and eating chocolate-covered pretzels—another food Caterina had condemned as a waste of money—she felt like she belonged. Her nights with Rhonda and Zoe ensured that she was safe from her Uncle Danny, and even though Zoe had a different guy friend sleeping over every weekend, they were nice to the girls.
Over time, Alessa became a permanent fixture at Rhonda’s house on weekends. Rhonda noticed Alessa was different during the week—more withdrawn and sadder. The Monday morning before Easter break, while they were changing for gym class, Rhonda noticed a bruise on Alessa’s inner thigh. It hadn’t escaped her that her friend wasn’t herself that day and asked her about the mark on her thigh.
“I don’t know,” Alessa replied, averting her gaze.
Sensing that something was wrong and that she was not willing to discuss it, Rhonda let the subject drop. Alessa would never have confessed to anyone that the bruise had come from her Uncle Danny’s big fingers burrowing into her thigh the night before. For the first time, she had tried to resist him by locking her legs together, and he used brute force to get his way.
“After all, I own you,” he had said to Alessa when he was finished with her.
By Easter break, the two young teens had been friends for a year. They shared everything—except Carl. Alessa hadn’t yet had intercourse with him. Nor had she had an orgasm since her first one with Rhonda. She didn’t dare tell her friend why she couldn’t have an orgasm with Carl. Alessa knew it was because every time he touched her, she thought of her uncle. Over the last six months, Carl had grown so insistent about having sex that he’d driven away her desire.
At a party at the Rope over Easter break, Alessa and Carl were in the woods, making out. They were partially undressed. Drunker than usual, Carl was sexually charged. His passion was obvious as they kissed and touched each other, breathing heavily and enjoying the moment. Carl said what he always did. “Come on, Alessa, let’s make love.”
“No, Carl,” she answered, “I don’t want to get pregnant. Plus, I want it to be special.”
“Oh, come on, Alessa, just a little bit,” he urged, climbing on top of her.
Alessa giggled. “No, Carl, stop it.” she said. “And you know why, too. Come on, let’s take a break.”
Carl was too drunk to pay attention. He stayed on top of her and entered her with a quick, hard thrust. Alessa was startled and scared.
Why would Carl do this? She had told him firmly that she didn’t want to. She tried to push him off, but Carl pinned her arms above her head and his strong thighs held her legs in place. He didn’t stop until he was satisfied.
When it was over, he came to his senses and realized what he had done. “O my God, Alessa,” he exclaimed remorsefully. “I’m so sorry. I was so excited I couldn’t stop myself. Please don’t hate me. Please . . .”
Although the experience wasn’t foreign to her, Alessa was surprised by what had happened. She sat up, grabbed her clothes, and caught her breath. She glanced at him. “It’s okay, Carl. But I’m scared. I can’t get pregnant.”
Then a thought struck her. Her gut twisted and her lungs constricted. It was hard to take a breath. If Carl could get her pregnant, so could her Uncle Danny. Alessa heaved, as her stomach gave way to fear and anxiety. She sobbed uncontrollably.
Carl stood next to her. He didn’t know how to deal with the situation. He supported Alessa by the shoulders until she had retched. Then dressing quickly, he helped her to put her clothes on and guided her gently out of the woods and back to the Rope. Alessa looked over at the others, boys and girls laughing and yelling, a bunch of teenagers having fun, and realized, once again, how different she was. There was no doubt in her mind she was damaged goods, scarred forever by her childhood. She would never be like the others. She wondered if she would ever have peace of mind. An indefinite respite from her traumatic childhood. As she watched her peers, drunk and out of control, she wondered if she would ever be as happy and carefree as them.
Deep down, Alessa knew that no normal girl her age would’ve reacted the way she had. She had assured Carl it was okay he had forced himself on her. She knew her response was perverse. Imprisoned from years of abuse, it didn’t elicit the response it would have from a normal teenage girl emerging from a forced sexual encounter. Alessa knew how screwed up she was for being less upset about being violated than about getting pregnant.
When Rhonda saw how pale her friend was, she ran over to her and had her sit on a log. Denise, the bully, was staring at Alessa, a nasty smile playing on her lips. Alessa caught her eye and thought to herself, Please God, not tonight. Do not let Denise beat my ass tonight.
Carl read the fear in her eyes and followed her gaze. Then he caught the malicious look in Denise’s eyes. Stepping in front of Alessa, he blocked her view. Whispering to Rhonda it was time for them to leave, he helped Alessa to her feet and walked her out of the Rope. Although there was silence between them, Rhonda guessed something had gone wrong. But she kept her questions to herself, waiting to ask them when she was alone with Alessa.
Rhonda detected that Carl was being unusually attentive to her friend and figured they must have fought. Or Alessa knew that he was messing around with some of the other girls at school. Alessa was the only one who didn’t know Carl had been cheating on her.
When the three reached Alessa’s house, Carl turned to her and kissed her on the cheek. “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?” he asked.
“Yeah, fine,” she answered.
Once he had left, Rhonda asked, “How about if I sleep over at your house tonight? Do you think your mom would mind?”
Alessa loved the idea. “I’m sure she wouldn’t. Let’s go and ask her.”
Rhonda followed her friend into the house. Caterina was perched in her usual spot on the sofa in the living room, watching television. Alessa’s father was in a recliner on the left, and Uncle Danny overwhelmed his recliner on the right. Both men were smoking thick cigars, and Rhonda cringed at the pungent smell and cloudiness of the smoke-filled room.
Caterina looked Alessa up and down. “Well, you’re home early. What happened?”
“Nothing happened,” Alessa replied. “Rhonda and I are tired. Would it be okay if she slept over tonight?” Her tone was pleading.
Caterina turned her head away. Alessa knew she didn’t like her to have friends sleep over. Her mother had told her before that she had enough mouths to feed already. “I guess it’s okay if Rhonda’s mom says she can.”
Quickly, Alessa guided her friend through the smoke-filled room and into the kitchen, where Rhonda could call her mother. As she passed Uncle Danny, she could see his jaw tighten with rage. For an instant, she wanted to curl her fingers into a fist and punch him in the face so his hated features would be obliterated forever into a soggy mass of flesh. Alessa knew her uncle was pissed off that Rhonda was sleeping over and he’d be forced to leave her alone.
