Lia
In my bed, I twisted in the sheets, my mouth cotton-dry and a broken scream on my lips. Disorientated, I sat up and gazed around the room. Afternoon light spilled through half-open and unfamiliar curtains. Oh, right. New city, new apartment.
And my nightmares were back.
Evie’s cot, by my bed as always, was empty. I’d fallen asleep after putting her down, but she clearly hadn’t needed as long as I had. From outside the room, Linc’s encouraging tones told me he’d slipped in and taken her, probably because I was yelling in my sleep.
Better that than she witness my torment.
I quickly used the bathroom, splashing my face with cold water to wake my senses, then grabbed my journal from my nightstand on the way out of my bedroom.
The Berlin apartment was huge, taking up the entire floor of the city-centre building we were in. I passed a snug TV room on the main corridor. Voices came from the formal sitting room, and I padded in, my ballet slippers silent on the marble. Evie stood in front of a cross-legged Lincoln, patting her hands to his in some kind of game.
Her eyes widened, and she toddled around, dipping to press both hands to the floor to steady herself, then she waddled to me. I swept her up and rained kisses on her.
“Are you being good for Lincoln? Sorry if Mummy was yelling.”
Linc waved a hand. “She barely heard. I peeked in and whipped her away.”
Relieved, I thanked him, then placed Evie back on her feet and pointed at Lincoln. “Want to finish your game? I’ll sit right here and watch.”
Lincoln had many different educational activities he carried out for Evie. I tried to copy them when we were alone, but Dad suggested I focus on my own studies and leave Evie’s to the professional.
Taking a seat on the couch, I watched for a moment as they played, then slid back the elastic to open my journal.
I had a new entry to make.
For every milestone since I found out I was pregnant, I’d written in this. It was supposed to be for Max. Eighteen-year-old me had been so sure that one day he’d come around and want to know everything. Idealistic, perhaps, but it had become more than just a memory dump.
I flipped to the opening pages. We’d been in the US when I’d realised I was late with my period. The housekeeper there had secured me a test, and my world had both fallen apart and started the minute the sign on the screen informed me I was pregnant.
Because I’d aimed for factual, none of the first few journal entries contained the panic then fear I’d found myself in. I was a teenager, behind in education despite my dad’s best efforts with tutors, and so unworldly. I didn’t know anyone with a baby. I had no clue about looking after children.
I hadn’t hesitated to tell my father.
He’d returned to our home a few days after my positive test, exhausted from work, and I felt such guilt over adding to his stress, but he’d raised me on honesty and openness. He and I had to be in tune. It made our world go round.
Positive pregnancy test. Told my father. Had a medical assessment arranged immediately. Confirmed four months pregnant. Vitamins and health awareness advice given.
That’s all I’d written in my diary. My memories supplied the rest of the details.
I skipped forward a couple of pages, passing descriptions of how my hands and feet had swollen, and how I’d had a headache I couldn’t shift, then the book opened on my scan pictures. In the time since my test, we’d moved country once more, and it had been a challenge to get the scan done, but Dad had demanded it, and everything he asked for was always delivered.
I traced a finger down the side of the printout, of the first sighting of tiny Evie. This, I’d been sure, couldn’t fail to melt Max. I had. All my fears remained, yet instant love joined them.
Aunt Marie informed Max about the baby. She was turned away.
By this point, I was in hospital with the doctors diagnosing pre-eclampsia. After what had happened to my mother, I became Dad’s whole focus. Though he couldn’t be with me, in no time, I was in the best facility in the Middle East and waited on by top medics. I’d felt so awful. My head ached, my abdomen hurt, and I was still wallowing in shock. When Aunt Marie delivered her news, I’d been so hurt. But then my father had wrapped a team around me. I had the best midwives. A full-time highly qualified nanny in Lincoln, employed ahead of time to buy all we’d need and set up for our new family member.
I’d needed all of that.
My days had been dark.
I flipped on a few more pages until I reached Evie’s birth.
The details on this had been written after the fact. It had taken weeks for me to feel human again. The pre-eclampsia symptoms went away, and I finally got to enjoy my daughter.
What a roller coaster.
In all the pages that came after, Evie’s life had been documented. I had a small sticker printer that I used to print photos from my phone. These were pasted into the journal alongside accounts of the first time she slept through the night, or when she’d rolled over by herself.
I’d loved making this journal. I might have started it for Max, but I’d continued it for Evie and me.
At the first blank page, I wrote a date along with a new entry.
Evie met her father today. Max McRae, 21, from Scotland.
But just like at the beginning of the book, I couldn’t bring myself to add an emotional layer to the description.
Jumping up, I found my sticker printer from where the housekeeper had unpacked it and set it on a bookshelf. Connecting it to my phone, I printed the picture of Max with Evie then stuck it in the journal.
It hurt that I was so far into the book and only now had information on Evie’s dad to include.
It hurt that lies or mistakes had kept her from him.
It hurt even more that I still didn’t know the truth.
A figure appeared at my side, Anette, the German housekeeper. She gasped and pressed her fingers to her mouth then pointed at Evie. “Her papa?”
I swallowed. “Yep.”
“Undoubtable,” she announced. “So much. She has nothing of you and all of him.”
The door opened, and she turned away, leaving me to wallow in that.
Yes, Evie looked a lot like Max. In the picture, they had identical expressions, too.
The hurt welled and overspilled.
“Miss Aurelia? Your father will be home any minute,” Felix, Dad’s assistant, announced as he entered the room.
His tone was tinged with nervous excitement. Despite only being in this city for less than a week, Dad had already been thrown into the thick of it at work. None of us had seen him since he’d started negotiations. I hadn’t seen him at all since before we went to Scotland, his work demanding his full attention as it often did.
I swooped in on my daughter and collected her for a cuddle, needing her close while I reeled in my turmoil.
Lincoln took himself to a chair in the corner, his hands in his lap and back straight. The housekeeper slipped out of the room.
Then a voice sounded in the hall, and Felix spun around, his fingers hovering over his lips.
Dad emerged, his driver behind him, taking bags down the hall.
I gave a squeak of emotion and stepped over to hug my father.
He wrapped me in his arms and kissed Evie. “How are my girls?”
“Better now you’re here.”
“I’ve been worried non-stop about you since you disappeared. We need to talk. Today.”
I flushed warm. My trip to see Evie’s dad had felt momentous to me, but in the grand scheme of our lives, it was small. I hadn’t expected my father to be so concerned. “Of course. I’m sorry to have worried you.”
At my back, I sensed our audience. Peering around, I took in Felix’s rapt expression.
“Was it a success, sir?” he asked, hushed. He meant the case, I gathered.
Dad gave an amused chuckle. “Details later, but yes.”
Felix let out an uncharacteristic whoop of excitement. Dad moved over to talk to Lincoln, and I shook my head at Dad’s assistant.
“You’re not supposed to get emotionally involved,” I chided Felix, half under my breath.
“I know. This was a tough one, and he’s been there just three days. He’s a miracle worker.” Felix watched my father with starry eyes.
“I’m guessing this was riskier than usual then,” I said.
At the start of his career, with hostage negotiations, Dad had been known to wear a bulletproof vest and walk calmly into hostile territory. He faced down maniacs without fear. He put his life on the line to save others. The work he’d moved into with governments was better planned and tended to be meeting-based, but it still came with danger, and occasionally Dad had had to handle threats. A rogue government official too corrupt to settle, or warring parties determined to do whatever it took to reach their goal.
Felix only sighed happily.
“I wish he’d agree to settle down,” I said. “Maybe take a safer job where he didn’t jump from place to place at short notice.”
This got me a sharp head turn from the assistant. “Really? But his work, his expertise—”
Dad called Felix, and he instantly stopped talking and joined him. They disappeared into the hall to carry out the debrief in Dad’s office.
Felix was right, my father did work wonders. He understood people better than anyone. I waited my turn with no small trepidation over what we had to discuss.
After dinner, Dad gave me the one-on-one time I wanted.
In the back of my mind, I’d been all too aware that Max was informing his parents about Evie’s existence tonight. We were only an hour ahead of Scotland’s time zone, so he was probably in with them right now.
Fitting, as I had to talk to my remaining parent, too.
Dad sat behind his desk, hands folded in his lap and his shirt open a couple of buttons at the neck. Though smart and present, he seemed worn.
“Is everything okay with work?” I asked.
Then I noticed bruises over his knuckles. I leapt forward to grasp his hand.
“What’s this?”
“Nothing, child.”
“But you’re hurt. Who did this?”
Dad withdrew his hand. “Sometimes in my line of work, you have to be ready to persuade others to your point of view by any means possible.”
I recoiled. “You hit someone to do that?”
“The man worked for us. He had turned coward and needed a reminder of his role. The tactic was effective, and the case a success, so the ends justified the means.”
This was so far from my knowledge of the world, I couldn’t comprehend it. Maybe in the thick of it, with lives at stake, violence was justified. I’d never seen him hurt anyone before, though, and he’d taught me that it wasn’t okay to lash out, preaching calm observation over instant action. No, Dad wasn’t a bad person. I pushed away my judgement and managed a supportive, “Sure.”
He relaxed his posture once more. “I don’t want you to concern yourself over the things I do. Tell me everything about your mission.”
As succinctly as possible, which Dad always preferred, I relayed my actions in finding Max. Out of habit, I left the drama and stuck to the facts. Except I still couldn’t bring myself to talk about Max’s twin. There was no point when it made no difference to the outcome.
Dad listened carefully, giving me the space to get it all off my chest.
When I was done, he stroked his beard then gestured to me. “The boy claimed he knew nothing. My main question is: can you believe this is true? In cases such as this, assumptions can be dangerous. We believed a certain state of being for a long time, and now that appears to have changed.”
He meant Aunt Marie’s account of what happened with Max.
“In the heat of the moment,” he continued, “you have been presented with new information. Convincingly, too.”
“This is my issue,” I said slowly. “I’d been ready to fight for him to recognise Evie, but his reaction set me back to the beginning.”
“And your conclusion?”
“I believe him. He wanted to meet her. He accepted her as his.”
“Then you succeeded. Congratulations.”
I opened then closed my mouth. It hadn’t felt like a success, more confusing than anything.
“I tried to see Aunt Marie, but she’s moved out of her home. Do you have any idea where she’s gone?”
Dad gave a single shake of his head. “No. I knew the woman well as a child, from when my father would take me on visits to Scotland, but lost touch as adults. It was pure luck that we had someone local to call on.”
That part puzzled me. Dad had numerous assistants. Felix worked with him day to day, but an administrator and a researcher worked remotely. Any of them could have travelled to perform the task. Or found the phone number for Max’s parents and told them if he wouldn’t answer a call.
“Felix said you paid her,” I went with the easiest question. “Did she ask for that?”
“I’m not sure I remember. It would have been the decent thing to do either way. She took great pains to help. She was the one who identified the young man, not us.”
“Except did she? Max never spoke to her.”
“According to him.”
I sighed, no closer to answers.
Dad steepled his fingers on the desk and leaned in. “My next question is over how best we proceed with Evie’s father.”
“I’d like to introduce Evie to his parents.”
I also had a strong urge to see Max again but couldn’t work out why.
“Naturally. And beyond that?”
“I can’t speak for Max, but I think he’d like to be in her life. He comes from a close family.”
Until this point, my father had been encouraging and gentle. Now, steel glinted in his gaze. “Periodic access could potentially work. However, he’d need to be prepared to fit into our schedule. Do you believe this young man has the means to visit Evie wherever we are in the world?”
I flattened my lips. “I’m not sure.”
“In the autumn, you start university. Likewise, Evie’s days will be filled with education. I would be concerned with any disruption to those plans.”
“I haven’t discussed any of this with Max. I don’t know how he’d want to be involved yet.”
“There’s one way to find out his intentions.” Dad extended his hand. “Pass me your phone.”
My pulse sped, but I gave it over without hesitation.
“Do you have his number saved?”
“Yes, but—”
“You trust me, correct?”
“Always.”
“Then let me do what I do best.”
Dad pressed the screen then set the phone on the desk. On loudspeaker, it rang.
God. Fear and anticipation played turmoil in my gut.
For all my initial dealings with Max, I knew Dad would eventually intervene. It had always been the case and always would be. My father needed to control all that went on around him. Though he gave me as much freedom as I wanted, he still offered support in the best way he knew how.
He hadn’t been able to keep my mother alive, so all of that love and care came my and Evie’s way. We were lucky to have him.
Except, in a fast rush of disloyalty, I wanted him to butt out. I took a breath.
“Remain silent at the start, please,” my father asked.
I could only nod.
Then Max answered, and my fears turned into full-blown realisation.
“Hey.” A whomp sounded, like he’d thrown himself into cushions. “I’ve been thinking about ye. Before ye ask, I haven’t spoken to my folks yet. They’re naw home yet. I’m excited and nervous. Can’t imagine how it must have been for ye when ye found out about Evie.”
I shut my eyes, hating this.
“So tell me everything,” he said into the silence. “Start with why you’re worried about Evie’s speech. And what made ye sick and needing hospital?”
Dad finally spoke. “Mr Ian Rothschild speaking. I assume this is Max McRae?”
A loaded pause followed. “Aye. Who are ye?”
“Aurelia is my daughter, and Evelyn my granddaughter. Now you’ve had a chance to meet the child, I felt it useful for us to chat.”
Had I told him Evie’s full name was Evelyn? What a way to find out.
I pictured his hackles rising.
“I was supposed to be talking to Lia this evening,” he answered.
“You can, if you still want to after this conversation.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“My daughter informs me that you claim you were unaware of her pregnancy or Evelyn’s birth.”
“I don’t claim anything, it’s a fact.”
“Excuse me if I trust the word of a relative over a young man who is both known to the police and under suspicion for ongoing involvement in criminal activity.”
I sucked in a silent breath and opened my eyes. Dad watched me, his expression neutral.
Max’s tone darkened. “I asked your daughter if ye were a spy. Looks like I was bang on the money.”
Now Dad worked his jaw.
Max continued, “Aye, I had troubles when I was young, but that’s none of your business.”
“And your recent arrest?” Dad clipped.
“What the fuck? I voluntarily went to the police station on behalf of my brother. He’d bought a motorbike part for me, but it was hot. It was a mistake. We sorted it out, and there was no arrest. Wherever you’re getting your information, it’s shite.”
I winced at his words. Dad hated swearing. He had always been snobby towards young men, too. Max had tattoos and rode a motorbike. There was no chance he’d ever impress my father.
Then again, he didn’t have to. He was Evie’s dad whether my dad liked it or not.
My father lifted his chin. “Regardless, Evelyn is over a year old and doesn’t live in your country. She’s a difficult child and will need ongoing care beyond the skills of any parent.”
“Difficult? What are ye talking about?”
“I understand the news Aurelia brought to you was a shock. I can imagine what challenges a child would bring to a lifestyle such as yours.”
“Don’t presume ye know a thing about me,” Max bit out. “If you’re trying to scare me off from my responsibilities, ye have me even more wrong. I’ve spent the past few days coming to terms with the fact that, two years ago, your daughter and I made a bairn. I missed out on everything in Lia’s pregnancy then that wee lass’s life. Where are ye going with this conversation?”
Dad shrugged, his body language relaxed, though I knew him to be anything but.
“I only wish to ascertain what you want.”
Max tutted. “Do ye really mean what ye want? For me to leave Evie alone? Not talk to Lia? What’s the agenda here?”
I jolted up, but Dad put out a quelling hand, his expression fierce.
“I am only looking out for my family. Aurelia merely wished for you to know Evelyn existed. Now you’ve finally manned up to that, we have no intention of placing a burden on your bachelor lifestyle.”
“Why the fuck are ye trying to talk me out of this?”
“Moderate your tone, young man. I’m simply forging the best path for all involved.”
A long moment spread out.
“Ye think I’ll be bad for Evie.”
“You’re a man of twenty-one working a low-pay job while living with your parents. You’ll never be able to match the lifestyle we offer Evelyn.”
“So right after I’ve found her, ye want me out of her life?”
“If that’s what you’d prefer. You’d be renumerated appropriately,” Dad said.
A hard laugh came from Max’s end of the line. “Make me an offer.”
No. No, no, no. I curled in on myself, hating that Dad felt he needed to do it, hating that Max asked.
Yet for too long, I’d believed Max to be a terrible person. One who’d neglected to care for the most precious person in the world. One I’d hated with a passion for it. Despite all I knew now, and how I should be shutting this down, panic clamped down on me and forced me to hold my tongue.
My father smiled, his victory in sight. “I can imagine money would be helpful to you. I’ll give you fifty thousand pounds to sign away your rights to my granddaughter.”
A tense moment followed.
“Double it,” Max bit out.
“Done.”
“Great. Thank ye very much. Now take every fucking note and shove it up your arse. If ye think money would make me screw up my daughter’s life by her da not being there for her, you’re the worst spy who ever lived. And Lia, assuming you’re listening? Fuck ye, too. I’ll see ye both in court.”
