I stare at the stick that’s almost crushed in the palm of my hand.
The extra line it shows means everything to me… and now it’s all been ripped away from me.
Natalie and my unborn child have fled the community along with another initiate, Emmy, whom she shared a hut with.
My wife and child… gone.
I close my eyes with a sigh. Where could she have gone? She can’t possibly run that far on foot, can she? The guards should’ve found her by now, if not their hounds.
I told them to bring her back alive, safe and sound, without a single scratch, but I wonder if that’s even possible. She’ll probably fight them to regain her independence.
Grinding my teeth, I almost crush the stick to bits.
I should’ve taken more time to ease her into this place and allow her to bond with the people. I should’ve invested more into gaining her trust, and then I might’ve had a chance to stop her from running, but I was too busy with day-to-day life and keeping things running smoothly here so no one would notice what I had done … that I had brought back the president’s daughter without him realizing it.
I let my wife slip through my fingers with my baby in her belly.
Will she be okay? And what will happen to our baby?
I feel sick to my stomach. I have to find her as soon as possible.
Someone knocks on the door. “Noah.”
It’s my father.
I tuck the stick into my pocket and turn to face him. “Have they found her?”
He shakes his head, and I sigh out loud, clutching my fist. “Dammit.”
“Watch your tongue in the House of the Lord,” my father growls.
My nostrils flare. “I don’t care.”
“You’re a patriarch, so act like one,” he barks. “Just because your wife is gone does not mean you get to act like a heretic around here.” He plants his hand on my chest, then beckons me with the other. “What are you hiding?”
I frown. “Nothing.”
He cocks his head. “Don’t lie to me. I saw you put something in your pocket. Show me.”
Heat rises in my throat, and I want to punch him in the gut, but that wouldn’t do me any good right now. I’d hoped he hadn’t seen the stick, and I should’ve hidden it the moment I found it, but I couldn’t stop staring at it. Too late now.
My father holds out his hand, and I pull out the stick and place it in his hand. “I found this on the bathroom floor in her room.”
His eyes widen when he sees the line. “She’s … pregnant.”
I nod.
“And you let her use this?” He holds the stick as though it’s a wand he’s about to cast a spell with. “You know these things are forbidden here!”
“She’s a captured. I took appropriate measures to ensure fertilization,” I reply. I hate talking about it like it’s simply a science experiment when it’s so much more than that. But it’s the only way I can defend my actions without being suspicious. “She would have lied to me if I asked her for the truth.”
“Women cannot hide their impurity each month, son,” he sneers.
“She could,” I reply. “And she definitely would if she had the chance.”
He slams the stick against my chest. “You’d better take care of this … thing … before the other patriarchs find it.”
I nod. “That’s the plan.”
I tuck it back into my pocket. I’ll have to figure out where I’m going to hide it as I can’t just dispose of it.
He narrows his eyes, and says, “Why do I get the feeling you’ve got more ‘plans’ up your sleeve?”
I keep a straight face even though I know he’s prying. He knows me too well. “Only to keep the lineage going.”
“Right …” He pauses. “Well, I wanted to let you know I got word back from some of the guards who went out looking for them. The hounds returned … without prey.”
I grind my teeth, stopping myself from spurting out more curse words.
“I don’t know how they managed to pull it off,” he says.
“Natalie is from the outside world. She knows it better than our men,” I reply.
He raises his brow. “Better than our hounds?”
“She’s cunning; I have to give her that.” I suck in a breath. “But I won’t give up.”
“Good. It’s already bad enough that Marsha caused this whole ordeal.” He folds his arms. “It’s almost as if she started that fire just so Natalie could escape.”
Of course she did. That’s the only reason she would ever light herself on fire. I still can’t believe she had the balls to do it, but maybe I underestimated her.
Father clears his throat. “You know she needs to be punished for what she did.”
I frown and pace around the room. I have to be careful with my words, even around him. One misstep and I could jeopardize everything. “Perhaps. But not now.”
“How is she?” he asks.
I look him directly in the eyes, hoping he might see the fire burning in my eyes as I saw it in hers. “Not well.”
“Alive?”
I gaze at my patched-up hand, which stings with fury underneath the bandage, and I nod. “Only time will tell.”
Natalie
On the train, I manage to find an unattended bag filled with clothes and some money. I tuck the money into my bra and steal two sets of clothes that I hope the person won’t miss too much. I don’t want to be a criminal, but we have to put something on or we’ll freeze.
I help Emmy put on the new clothes. They don’t fit well, but at least they’ll keep us warm. She doesn’t even react to them, despite the fact that she’s probably not worn anything other than white since she was born.
She’s shivering in a corner. She hasn’t said much, if anything at all, since we stepped onto the train. All she does is stare straight ahead.
Maybe the escape got to her. After all, it’s not every day that you’re chased by hounds while trying to flee through the woods, wearing only underwear, after barely surviving a wild river. In the long run, that has got to do something to a person’s psyche.
Even mine.
I’m lying to myself right now, but I have to. If I don’t, I won’t survive.
I swallow back the tears and focus on the journey. There aren’t a lot of people on this train, and most are sleeping or talking with friends, so no one really notices we’re here … and that we don’t actually belong. Not even me.
I’ve been through something that, even if I tried to explain, none of these people would ever understand. Something about me has … changed.
I can feel it in my lungs, in my veins. I can see it when I look at my hands. They don’t look the same as the hands of the woman sitting in the row in front of us. Or the child sitting in front of her. And their smiles don’t look like the smiles I’ve seen for so long. Their faces aren’t marred by hardship, and their hearts seem filled with love. They are full while mine is hollow. Like a carved-out tree pulled out of the soil, roots and all.
I’m wandering a world I have no connection to anymore, but that same world once belonged to me, and I belonged to it.
I want to be here, right now.
I want to enjoy this.
I want to live my life and be free … and happy.
So I force myself to smile … Smile through the tears as they stream down my cheeks while I stare out through the sunlit window at the meadows and forests and cities beyond. I marvel at the sight of all those buildings and places to explore, knowing I once again have the opportunity to do so …
By choice.
My choice.
Everything I do from now on is my decision, and that should make me happy.
I look at Emmy who’s still in her little corner, refusing to move. The tears that stained her face have dried up, and she looks melancholic. Hopeless.
It’s a face I recognize all too well.
I swallow away the lump in my throat and go down on my knees in front of her. When I grab her hand, she flinches and glances at me. It’s as if she didn’t even realize I was here.
“It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay,” I say.
She’s been nothing but a burden, but even a burden has feelings, and I can’t deny that. I can’t deny her the same humanity and love they denied me at that community when they put me in that suffering hut. Because then I would be no better than them. And I refuse to be a monster.
So I pull her in and wrap my arms around her. “I promise you’ll survive.”
“But I don’t know how,” she says. “I don’t know where I am or where we’re going, or even how.”
I smile and force away the tears lingering in my eyes. “We’re going home.”
“Home?” she whispers.
“Yes … my home.”
At the next train station, we jump out, and I quickly check the maps to see where we should go. Then I purchase two tickets with the stolen money and hop on the next train with Emmy. She’s been quietly observing every move I make. As long as she doesn’t ask too many questions, I’m good with that. I know she must have many. But … safety first, answers later.
The train takes us all the way back to my hometown, and when the doors open, and I step out into the fresh air, I take a deep breath and close my eyes. Finally, I’m here.
Emmy’s hands are firmly entwined with mine. She hasn’t dared to let go since we stepped back onto the train, and I’m worried she might be scared. What must that thing look like to her? A monster? A beast, swallowing her whole?
What do things look like when you’ve never seen them before? Alien, I’m sure. She must be thoroughly confused … or scared.
Her fingers clench mine even harder as we exit the station. There are giant buildings everywhere, and people walking about. It’s a bustling city with plenty of shops and entertainment, and I can tell from the way she lifts her shoulders and lowers her eyes that she’s too scared to even look.
“No one will hurt you, Emmy,” I say. “You’re free here.”
“I know … but it’s so huge,” she says, swallowing. “And there are so many people. And they’re not even dressed the same.”
I snort. “That’s normal here.”
She briefly glances at me. “Yeah … you said that before.”
“It’s probably different to see it for real, isn’t it?”
She nods.
I’m sure she’s worrying about many things. I remember having so many questions when I was at the community and I felt too afraid to ask. But I won’t punish her if she tries.
I sigh and look at her. “You know you can ask me, right?”
“What?” she mumbles.
“Anything.”
“Oh …” She blushes. “Yeah, of course. I just …” She swallows. “I don’t want to be a burden.”
I frown and look away. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so rough on her. She willingly came with me when I escaped.
“But you were going to tell the guards about my plan,” I say, suddenly remembering she did threaten to expose me if I didn’t take her with me.
Her lips part. “I—”
“You wanted to get me caught,” I interject.
Tears well up in her eyes. “I just wanted to come with you. I didn’t know how else to convince you.”
I can’t. I just can’t.
I attempt to walk off, but she grabs my arm, and says, “Please. I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I didn’t know what this meant to you. But I saw the happiness in your eyes whenever you spoke of this place, and I … really wanted to see it for myself.”
I still can’t look her in the eyes. It’s too hard to face the fact that what I’ve been through was forced upon me, and here she is making a gleeful choice to follow me out of pure curiosity.
But I’m forgetting that I was the one who followed Noah to the compound he was speaking at. I chose to seek him out. It was my choice that led me to get caught. So how can I fault her for doing the same thing?
“Can I come with you, please?” she begs. “I have nowhere else to go.”
“You could go back,” I mutter out of pure spite.
“They wouldn’t take me. You said it yourself, they’d probably kill us on the spot.” She gulps. “I don’t want to die.”
How can I say no?
“You made a choice,” I say, spinning on my heels to face her. “Do you regret it now?”
She shakes her head with tears in her eyes. She’s lying, and we both know it. But I know that face, that feeling … the utter dread of what have I done? It’s humiliating, painful, and impossible to face.
Who would I be if I didn’t recognize myself in her right now? Rejecting her would be like rejecting myself.
I close my eyes and sigh out loud. Then I beckon to her. “C’mon, let’s go.”
Her brows draw together, and a brief smile forms on her face. “Thank you.”
I wave it off and start walking, but she grasps my hand and forces me to stop. “No. I mean it. Thank you.” She looks deep into my eyes, and I can’t help but feel overcome by the sheer sincerity of her words. “Thank you … for saving me. From the river. From the hounds. From being alone. Thank you.”
I rub my lips together and force the tears to stay at bay while I look away for a second. “Yeah. Of course. Anyone would’ve done that.”
“No, they wouldn’t,” she says, and she smiles at me with that same smile she always gave me back at the community, so full of life … and something I only recognize now that I’m outside again.
Hope.
