I fucked up.
I don’t mean to stay.
I fully intended on waiting until she fell asleep and creeping out.
But I just can’t bring myself to.
I just lie there, wide awake with my eyes trained on the girl curled up beside me, half making sure she doesn’t choke on her own vomit, half relishing in something I’ve ached for for six months.
Fuck, I’ve missed this. I’ve missed this so much it hurts. We’re barely even touching, just her knees brush my side and her forehead rests on my shoulder, but it feels like she’s everywhere.
At one point in the night, she wakes up. Her eyes flutter open, a crinkle forming between them as she frowns when my chest is the first thing she sees. Her whole body goes rigid, regret and horror written all over her sleepy face. She raises her gaze slowly, eyes half-closed in anticipation.
I wait. I wait for her to swear and shout and kick me out.
But she doesn’t.
Instead, her expression softens. Any ounce of worry is washed away and replaced by pure relief. Without saying a word, she drops her head to the crook of my neck and wraps an arm around my torso. Hooks a leg over my waist and she wriggles closer until she’s all but lying on top of me. Out cold again in less than two minutes.
My arms twitch at my side, begging to pull her even closer. I shouldn’t. She’s not in her right mind. She doesn’t know what she’s doing.
I. Shouldn’t.
But I do.
I can’t help myself. My arms have a mind of their own as they snake around her waist, hauling her the rest of the way on top of me, that familiar, comforting weight spreading warmth throughout me.
And I fall asleep.
The next thing I know, I’m blinking awake, squinting against the bright light flooding the room, briefly very confused. Wondering if I dreamt the last few months.
And then the sleep fog coating my mind clears and it all comes flooding back.
Just for a moment longer, I let myself revel in her clinging to me before I carefully slide her off of me. Not careful enough; I freeze when she makes an annoyed grunting noise and jerks awake.
Confusion flashes in a blue gaze when Luna finds me hovering on the edge of her bed. Something else flickers there too, something I can’t put my finger on, before she wipes her expression clean. Propping herself upright, she drags a hand down her face. “Did we fuck?”
Her harsh tone makes me wince. “No, we didn’t fuck.”
“Then why are you here?”
The cold detachment in her voice, on her face, pisses me off but I’m too tired to fight with her. I can’t.
Sighing, I give her the short version of the story. “You got too drunk last night so I brought you home.”
“My knight in shining armour,” she grumbles sarcastically under her breath. Yawning loudly, she stretches, her t-shirt riding up her thighs and catching her attention. She stares at the material for a moment, a hint of a blush coloring her cheeks but it fades as quickly as it appears. “If we didn’t fuck, why am I half-naked?”
“Blame yourself for that.”
Her nose scrunches, and I can’t tell if it’s out of embarrassment or regret or maybe both. “Great.”
“Be happy it was just me and not the two creeps you tried to leave with.” Fuck, I regret that as soon as I say it.
Luna frowns. “What?”
“Nothing. Never mind.” I get to my feet quickly, suddenly struck with the need to get out of here. She doesn’t remember any of last night. That’s fine. It’s probably for the best. If she remembered asking me to help her, asking me to stay, relying on me, it would only make things worse.
A mixture of confusion and frustration creases Luna’s face for a moment before she adopts that infuriating indifference. Sitting back on her heels, she crosses her arms over her chest. “So. That’s what happened.”
It’s my turn to be confused. “What?”
“I tried to leave with someone and you got jealous. Had to whisk me away, right? Save me from my whoring ways? No one’s allowed to touch what’s yours?”
“Jesus… no, Luna.” I gape at her, not quite believing what’s coming out of her mouth. The jealous part, yeah, a little; no one wants to watch their ex-girlfriend get chatted up right in front of their eyes. But if she’d been sober, if those guys hadn’t been creeps, if she’d actually wanted to go home with them, I wouldn’t have stopped her. It’s not my place.
But saving her from her whoring ways? Fuck off with that shit.
She’s pushing me again, fishing for an argument that I really don’t want to give her. Shaking my head in frustration, I snatch up my jacket and shove my feet into shoes. “I’m leaving.”
“Yeah, you’re good at that,” she snarls at my back.
Fuck this.
“Okay, enough.” I whirl around, pure anger directing me back towards her. “Don’t you fucking dare. I didn’t leave.”
“I-” She tries to butt in, probably with another snarky comment but I don’t let her.
“You shut me out. You wouldn’t talk to me, you barely even looked at me. For a month, Luna, I tried to help you and you refused to let me in. I had no idea what was going on with you. What was I supposed to do? Wait around until you decided I deserved your attention again?”
My yelled words hang heavy in the air. I watch as Luna deflates, her defiance and snark evaporating as her shoulders sink. I wait for her to say something. Anything. Prove me wrong for thinking she just didn’t want me around anymore.
She says nothing.
I’m halfway out the door when she finally manages to get a word out. “Jackson.”
Glancing over my shoulder, the sight of her genuinely makes my chest ache. Sitting there with her hands folded in her lap, fingers tapping against each other, hair falling out of that shit bun I did and spilling around her shoulders. Peering up at me and chewing on her bottom lip, she looks so lost. So sad. So small. “I-”
Hope flutters in my stomach as she opens her mouth to speak. As quickly as it springs to life, it dies when she suddenly shakes her head. Straightening up, her face hardens again and I want to fucking scream with frustration.
“Thanks,” is all she says. That coldness is back, her nonchalant tone of voice sounding like she couldn’t give less of a fuck. “For bringing me home.”
“You’re welcome.”
She hesitates for the briefest of moments before jerking her head towards the door. “You can go now.”
Pursing my lips, I nod, hurrying out of there without another word, all but ripping the front door off the hinges in my haste to get out of there. Brisk morning air slaps me in the face as I step outside. Resting my hands against the railing across from her door, I lean against it for a moment, dropping my head and taking a few deep breaths. I let the coldness of the metal seep through my clothes, the equally cold air calming me down.
“Fuck.”
By the time I get home, it’s the afternoon.
I walked; I needed the fresh air, needed the time alone to just… think.
Plus, my phone died sometime in the wee hours of the morning and I doubt Luna would give me a ride.
A groan escapes me when I push open the front door and find the boys waiting for me in the living room. It seems the intervention portion of this weekend wasn’t exclusive to last night. Immediately; the questions begin.
“What happened?”
“Is she okay?”
“Did you fuck?”
Cass gets thumped for that last one. He yelps, scowling at me as he rubs his arms. “What? You need a good fuck.”
“She was drunk, asshole.”
“Not last night, obviously.” Cass shoots me a ‘duh’ look. “But look me in the eyes and tell me nothing happened this morning.”
I look him dead in the eyes. “Nothing happened this morning.”
Ben cackles loudly, reaching over to slap Cass in the chest. “Pay up, bitch.”
Pouting, Cass huffs dramatically as he pulls a couple of bills from his wallet and begrudgingly tosses them at Ben.
I gape at the pair in disbelief. “You guys bet on us hooking up?”
“They bet.” Nick rolls his eyes. “I stayed out of it, like a normal person.”
Unbelievable.
Shooting the pair a dirty look, I head for my room. “Hey!” Ben protests. “Tell us what happened!” A round of boos follows me up the stairs as I flash them my middle finger.
As I kick my bedroom door shut behind me, I shed my clothes from last night, eager to get them off and myself in a shower. I need to rinse off the smell of booze from last night. And the smell of vanilla. Quickly stopping to plug in my phone to charge, I hightail it to the bathroom.
Steamy warm water greets me like an old friend. I stand under the hot spray, face tilted upwards, washing away the evidence of last night. I didn’t realize how hungover I feel until right now.
Worrying about Luna, being mad at her, apparently has the same effect on me as adrenaline. A safe distance away from her, I feel like I’m fading now. A headache is setting in, I’m starting to get the shakes, and my eyes ache from a sleepless night.
Yeah, going out was a really fucking terrible idea.
When my fingers start pruning, I reluctantly shut the water off. Wrapping a towel around my waist and using another to dry my hair as I exit the bathroom, I almost have a fucking heart attack when I find Ben sitting on my bed, chowing down on a bowl of cereal. Seemingly unphased by my half-naked appearance, Ben gestures towards my desk. “I made you breakfast.”
Sure enough, there’s a matching bowl of cereal sitting on the wooden surface, accompanied by a tall glass of orange juice and a mug of what smells like coffee. “Couldn’t have bought me something nicer with that twenty bucks you won?” I joke, taking a long slug of coffee instead. Extra strong, just what I need.
“Fifty, actually,” Ben corrects with a smug smile. “So nothing at all happened?”
“Nothing at all happened,” I confirm, and not for the last time, I have a feeling.
“But you stayed over.”
“She was out of it. I didn’t want to leave her alone.”
Ben’s little hum implies he doesn’t believe me but I ignore him. Instead, I check my phone, frowning at the sight that greets me. A few messages from the boys asking if I’m coming home aren’t anything weird. A couple from Amelia checking if Luna’s okay, easily explainable by Nick letting her know what happened. No, it’s what must be at least a hundred missed calls from my sisters that worry me.
Dialling Lux’s number quickly, my fingers anxiously drum against the desk as I wait for her to answer. Panic floods me immediately when instead of a ‘hello,’ I’m greeted by the sound of muffled crying. “Lux?”
“Jackson,” is her whimpered reply. “You need to come home.”
“What happened? Is someone hurt?”
Ben’s alarmed gaze flicks to me, his eyes wide and questioning. Is everything okay? he mouths at me.
I don’t know, I mouth back. It feels like an eternity passes before Lux finally replies, her voice shaky as she drops an entirely unexpected bomb.
“It’s Mom.”
