People can become ghosts.
They can exist, even if at the same time they don’t. They can go unnoticed so that even though everyone looks at them, they don’t really see them.
That’s how I spent the last two days at the hospital, sleeping on benches, using the bathroom’s soap to freshen up, surviving on coffee – actual coffee, not the one cocktailed with vodka.
Being sober for two days straight sucks. It’s like seeing the world from non-grainy eyes, and the view isn’t pretty.
Alcohol makes it less harsh, more tolerable. Being drunk makes me accept myself, or maybe it makes me think less about myself and as a result, I kind of accept it.
I considered going to the grocery store and fetching a bottle of vodka, but I stopped.
This isn’t the time to lose myself. I have plenty for that later.
So I nursed a two-month hangover.
And yes, it hurts like a bitch with an STD.
But it doesn’t hurt as much as that night.
Witnessing Kim bleed out will haunt my nightmares for life. I still can see her blood marring the tiles, bright and red. It was life leaving her with no intention of returning. I had my suspicions, but when I heard the confirmation that I’m one of the reasons behind that decision, something inside me broke to bloody pieces.
That night she told her father everything and asked for his help, I stood in front of the door with my fists clenched by either side of me.
Every sob she released was like a stab, and every confession she made twisted the knife deeper.
She just needed someone, and I did everything not to be that someone, and as a result, I almost lost her.
I thought I could never hate myself more than when I woke up and realised touching her wasn’t a dream. Seems the self-hate has huge degrees and mine reached its max that night, listening to her confessions and sobs, seeing her hold on to Calvin like she’d break to pieces if he let go.
She’s been doing that a lot these past days, holding on to people, hugging them. First Calvin, then Elsa, Teal, and the fucker, Ronan.
Those are the only four people she’s allowed to visit her. The only people she’s allowed to see her in her true form, not the fake Kim who hid behind the façade, but the real one who held back tears as she talked about her scars.
Elsa cried and Ronan comforted her. Teal, the goth girl, who doesn’t touch anyone, let Kim hug her.
And yes, I watched all that through the opening of the door or the glass like a creep.
I’ve been contemplating the best way to go in there and tell her, to relieve her from the pain, even if it’ll add a different type of pain.
However, I haven’t managed to.
I’m not only a creep but also a coward and a selfish bastard, because even now, I want to protect her in my own fucked up way.
Calvin is the only one who spends the nights with her and she sleeps almost immediately whenever he sits beside her.
I’ve never seen a father so devoted as him, even if he is a bit late at it. He brought the psychiatric doctors and they had some sort of a family therapy – without Jeanine.
That bitch is now sitting on the bench, glaring at a boy who’s playing with his parents, probably because he’s making some noise. As usual, she’s holding a phone to her ear and speaking in her typical snobbish tone. She’s acting as if the girl inside isn’t her only daughter.
As if she didn’t attempt to kill herself.
Kill herself.
Thinking about those words drives the knife in deeper still. I can try to put roses and unicorns on it, but that’s what Kim did. She wanted to leave this world and never return.
Fuck.
I’m in the corner, watching the entrance to Kim’s room, but staying away from Jeanine’s field of vision.
“Yes, of course,” she snaps. “I will not delay the exhibition for any reason at all. She’ll be fine, she’s not a kid.”
I’m about to go in there and punch her in the face. Maybe she’ll delay the exhibition if her damn image is disfigured.
I hate that woman. And not only because of the past, but it’s mainly because she never deserved a daughter like Kim.
Selfish people like Jeanine are not fit for motherhood. Just like my mum.
Kim’s room door hisses open and Calvin comes outside, his face worn, but he doesn’t appear sad, just tired.
“Go home, Jeanine,” he tells his wife, stopping in front of her.
“This is the second time I’ve come and haven’t seen her.” She rises to her feet and places a hand on her hip. “I have things to do.”
“And I’m telling you to go back and do those things. You won’t see her until she’s ready.”
“You’re spoiling that brat and I won’t stand for it. I’m her mother.”
He laughs with a biting edge. “Mother? When was that, Jeanine? When I caught you hitting your stomach, saying this demon needs to disappear? Or when you didn’t want to hold her when the nurse brought her over? Or was it when you threw her at me and refused to even look at her, let alone feed her? Newsflash, she was never your daughter and from today onwards, you have no right to speak to her or try to exercise your motherly rights on her.”
For the first time in her life, Jeanine appears speechless. It only takes her a few seconds to recuperate, though. “Is that what she said?”
“Go home and take care of Kirian.”
She taps her shoes on the ground. “He keeps asking about her.”
“Then you tell him she’s at camp and will call in the morning. Be useful for once in your entire useless life.”
“Fuck you, Calvin.” She yanks her bag from the bench. “I won’t be coming again.”
“Even better,” he calls behind her back as she stomps out of the hospital as if her heels are on fire.
Bitch.
Calvin is about to head inside when he notices me lurking there, both hands in my pockets.
I haven’t released the star bracelet, scared it’ll disappear the moment I do. Just like she almost disappeared.
He sighs. “Go home, Xander.”
Calvin has seen me over the past few days and always tells me to leave. I’m like a dog who keeps coming back even after being told off.
I remain silent, but I don’t make a move to go.
Another sigh rips from him. “Lewis must be searching for you.”
I scoff. “He’s not. He has long conferences, he probably doesn’t know what time it is right now.”
“Still, go home and freshen up. You look like you’ve been in a fight.”
That’s because I have.
When I still don’t move, Calvin motions behind him. “Or go in.”
“I’ll probably make it worse,” I confess, my voice thickening with emotion.
“As long as it’s real, I don’t think you would. Besides, sometimes, things have to get worse before they get better.”
I stare at him for a beat as I weigh his words.
You know what, a human can be a ghost only for so long.
I make a move towards the door, but Calvin clutches my shoulder forcing me to halt in my tracks. “If you blame her for what happened, I’ll beat you up worse than in those newbie fights you get yourself into.”
How the hell does he know about those?
“Yes, sir,” I say, and there’s surprisingly no sarcasm like when I speak to Dad.
Maybe it’s because I respect Calvin and the role he’s playing in his daughter’s life.
“I’ll go grab a coffee.” He releases me and vanishes around the corner.
I continue watching him, making sure he’s gone before I step inside the room. It smells of antiseptic, but there’s also that slight lime smell from her.
Kim leans sideways, rummaging through her drawers. Her skin isn’t as pale as that night. Her hair falls on either side of her shoulders like a green halo.
She’s so beautiful, it’s physically painful.
And she’s alive, breathing, moving.
She’s alive and right there.
If I don’t do something, she might try it again, and maybe next time, Calvin or I won’t be there and it’ll be too late.
“Dad, did you see my Kindle? I think I put it here, but maybe –” Her words cut off as her eyes meet mine.
They widen to a huge green colour and sparkle a little, shine a little, but die a little, too.
Ouch.
I deserve that.
“What are you doing here?” she whispers. “Get out.”
I deserve that, too.
But I’m not leaving until she knows everything.
It’s the moment of truth.
