Loneliness is a morbid thing. It starts with that small feeling of emptiness and morphs into something completely unavoidable.
That’s how it’s felt since Xan left weeks ago.
Lonely. Empty. Miserable, even.
It’s true that we were practically separated for seven years, but even back then, I saw him every day. In his garden, with Kir, at school. He was always a constant in my life.
Now that he’s gone, I feel like my air supply is slowly diminishing and will one day dim to nothing.
That morning, I cried for so long after reading Xan’s text that Dad thought something was wrong with me.
But Xander didn’t stop there. No. He left me a gift in a green box in front of my room. When I opened it, a small silver kitty came out and climbed into my hand.
With the kitty was a note.
I never told you how sorry I am that Luna died. It’s a few years too late, but it’s time to move on and embrace a new life.
P.S. You’re mine.
Xander
I fell to the ground, hugged the kitty, and cried again. I cried so hard that I thought I wouldn’t stop crying or missing him.
I didn’t. Stop missing him, I mean.
Considering the nature of his rehab, he’s not allowed any contact with the outside world except for a weekly call with a family member, as in Lewis.
I always go to his house on that day, lingering outside as a creep until Ahmed opens the door.
While Lewis talks to him on the loudspeaker, I remain completely shut in the background, just listening to the tenor of his voice and boxing it for later when I’m alone and all I think about is him.
Lewis offered me to talk to him, but I shook my head, because if I did, I’d just cry. I don’t want to cry and disrupt his rehabilitation in any way.
And I’m always on the verge of crying when Xander’s first question is, ‘How is Kim?’ It’s as if he awaits the weekly calls to ask about me, my therapy, if I’m eating, if I’m doing better at school.
Lewis answers all his questions with a smile while I battle with the need to drive to wherever he is and maybe kidnap him or something.
He doesn’t need to worry about me. I’ve been healing, slowly but surely.
I think my actual healing process started the moment Jeanine left the house, and it only thrived after she and Dad signed the divorce papers. None of us went to her exhibition. Even Kir preferred a mac and cheese night with Dad and me than to celebrate Mum’s success.
And she did succeed. The articles praised her and the critics fell at her feet. She sold out with millions of pounds for a single painting.
That’s what Jeanine does best and what she should’ve been doing since the beginning.
In all the interviews she took, she said that she and Dad agreed for an amicable divorce. I scoffed and moved along.
She didn’t even try for Kir’s custody. It’s like she was somehow looking for this chance at freedom, a chance where she gets to disappear into her studio and forget she gave birth to children.
Samantha, on the other hand, didn’t leave peacefully. She tried to keep her promise to Lewis and ruin him, Dad, and all of us. Even Jeanine’s career.
There were nights where I wanted to hide beneath the blanket, shaking with the fear that she’d cause a ruckus and soon enough, everyone at school and in the country would judge me and Xan.
I lied to him the other day and said I don’t care. But I actually do. I don’t want to be labelled as his sister in any way.
And I don’t want to have to leave all our friends behind.
Instead of surrendering to that fog, I joined Dad and hugged him, then I talked to him about those thoughts. That’s my weapon against them. The moment I talk about them, they lose their lethal edge and disperse into nothingness.
Then, one morning, I woke up to find Lewis at the steps of our house, smiling with triumph.
He got Sebastian Queens, Silver’s father and Cole’s stepfather, and Jonathan King, Aiden’s father, involved.
Sebastian is the future leader of Lewis’s conservative party and expected to become the prime minister, so his power kind of overrules everyone else. Jonathan King kind of owns the country and everyone in it, so his power is even stronger than that of politicians.
According to Lewis, Samantha and her husband were sent outside the country and they’ll never return.
I asked if she could do anything from wherever she is, but he shook his head with complete confidence and told me, “She won’t be able to do anything from there.”
Those words sent a shiver down my spine and I kept wondering if it wasn’t a simple relocation. But then I thought about how she planned to destroy our lives, and I stopped feeling anything about her situation.
She won’t get to disrupt our lives again.
Or whatever life I’m trying to maintain now that Xan is gone.
In the spiritual trip I took to Switzerland last year, a Buddhist monk told me that souls are attracted to each other.
Now, I know why.
Xander’s soul completes mine.
Life without him has no meaning.
On day twenty-three of Xander’s rehab, I’m walking down the hall at school with Elsa as she tells me about the latest prank Knox pulled on her and Teal yesterday.
Even though I’m listening to her, I’m not registering anything. The halls and the students have all turned into grey, that shade that you see in old films.
Colours have been slowly diminishing from my life.
Elsa rubs my arm, bringing me out of my stupor. “He’ll come back, Kim.”
“I know.” I sigh.
Doesn’t mean this ache in my chest lessens. It’s like being caught in a net and not having the ability to move.
We stop in front of the class and I face her. “How would you have dealt with this if it was Aiden?”
“I can’t even think about it.” Her expression is apologetic. “So I guess that means I wouldn’t be able to make it.”
I nod. That’s what I love about Elsa the most – her honesty.
“We can have a game night?” Elsa suggests with a hopeful smile.
“Sure.”
“Did someone mention a game night?” Ronan grabs Elsa and me by the shoulders.
“You’re coming?” she asks.
“Depends on where I should come.” He waggles his brows. “Threesome, anyone?”
Both of us laugh.
“I’m not joking, mesdemoiselles. In fact, I haven’t been this serious about anything in my whole life,” he whispers so only we can hear. “I’m sure you’ve heard the legend around here about my package. Here’s a secret, it’s true.”
“Here’s a secret, you’ll die.” Aiden yanks Ronan’s hand from over Elsa’s shoulder, tucking her to his side, and glares at him.
“Fine, I’ll just have my Kimmy.”
“Nope.” Cole brushes Ronan’s other hand from my shoulder and subtly but firmly pushes him away from me.
“What’s in it for you, Captain?” Ronan demands.
“Knight asked me to, and I quote, ‘keep your octopus hands off Kimberly’. I’m just being a good sport here.”
Somehow, I don’t believe that Cole is being a good sport for no reason. Even Elsa said there must be something in it for him.
“I agree.” Aiden strokes his finger on Elsa’s waist. “Reed is the reason Knight won the case against the human rights court.”
My cheeks heat at the meaning behind his words and Elsa elbows him; so that means he must’ve told her about it. I wouldn’t be surprised; Aiden doesn’t keep anything from her.
“Human rights court?” Ronan stares between us.
“Knight’s virginity.” Cole hits his shoulder. “Keep up, Astor.”
“Wait a fucking minute.” The expression on Ronan’s face is to die for. It’s like he just realised the world is ending and he’s the last to know. “Knight is a virgin?”
“Was.” Aiden smirks at me and it takes everything in me not to hide.
“What the fuck?” Ronan shouts. “What’s with all the girls he took to those rooms and –”
“It was just a ploy,” Cole says, and I can’t help smiling.
“The sneaky fucker. Who else didn’t know?” Ronan stares at us and when no one answers, he snaps, “Only me?”
“If you want to blame someone, start with your big mouth,” Cole says.
“That’s it. Friendship is over.”
“You won’t see me complaining about that,” Aiden says.
Ronan flips him off and turns around.
“Are you coming to the Meet Up later?” Cole shouts behind his back.
“Fuck you and the Meet Up, Captain.”
“How about the game night?” Elsa asks.
“Only for you, Ellie.” He glances back and winks at me. “And Kimmy.”
We both smile at him and he winks again.
While staring behind him, he bumps into Teal, who loses her balance and falls on her butt.
Some of the students snicker at the impact of the fall.
She glares up at Ronan, who instead of offering her his hand, shoves them both in his pockets, sidesteps her, and pretends she doesn’t exist.
What the hell?
That’s not the Ronan we know. He might act bitter, but he’s not a dick.
Elsa and I rush to help Teal, but she’s already on her feet.
“Are you okay?” Elsa retrieves Teal’s bag and gathers the books that have fallen on the floor.
“I’m fine.”
“What was that all about?” I ask no one in particular.
“It’s nothing.” As Ronan disappears down the hall, Teal stares at his back with so much malice, I can feel it under my skin.
Nothing? More like something.
Xan and I began with nothing, too, and now, I’m begging for air until he returns.
One more week.
Just another week and I’ll be able to breathe again.
