It’s strange how easily the words leave me.
I never thought we’d be back here, at Blackwood’s forest, at the rock we called ours. But here we are. And that’s part of the reason why I spoke up.
Maybe all the depraved sex went to my head. Maybe the chase loosened my tongue.
But as soon as I say it, it’s like I’ve broken a spell.
The cold air forms goosebumps over my skin and draws a chill down my spine.
Sebastian’s chest leaves my back, his lips no longer tormenting my ears or whispering filthy words.
He pulls out of me and I moan softly at the loss of him. I survived without him for seven years, but now that he’s back to touching me and being one with me, it’s torture to be away from him even for a minute.
The moment he releases me, I force myself upright, wincing due to the bumps the rock has left on my chest and shoulders. It’s probably already bruising.
My hands shake as I pull my underwear and pants up. I’ve always been a mess whenever Sebastian has unleashed his beast on me. He knows all the right places to touch and the best ways to make me insane.
I can feel his attention on my back, looming over me like some sort of threat.
“What did you just say?” The tenor of his voice is low, but it’s rough and deep.
I carefully turn around to face him. He’s all tucked into his sweatpants, his shoulders tense. The lack of light turns his face into an impenetrable shadow. “I never had sex with Akira or anyone else.”
If I expected relief, joy, or any sort of reaction, there’s none of those. Only his narrowed eyes greet me. “You never had sex with your husband of seven years?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Akira would kill me if he knew I’d told you this, but I’m done hiding. I…just want it all out.”
“Want what out?”
“He’s asexual—or was asexual. I think he’s on the spectrum for that. Anyway, he’s gay. He’d never look in a woman’s direction.”
Sebastian is silent for a moment as the revelation sinks in. His brows are still knit together and the sharp lines of his face tighten under the moonlight. I want to reach out and touch him, to kiss him and seek his warmth, but it’s definitely not the time for that.
So I lean against the rock, just to have something touch, and wince when my ass touches the surface. Well, damn. We’re back to the stage where I need daily care after his ruthless fucking.
I touch my forehead, stroking my hair away from my face. “Aren’t you going to say anything?”
“What do you want me to say, Naomi? Do you want me to be happy that he never looked in your direction when you looked in his?”
“Stop being defensive, damn you! And I never thought of him that way. Akira and I had an agreement since the beginning. I’m his image for his traditional family and he’s my image for my own family. We weren’t to get involved in each other’s sexual lives either. We’re in an open marriage.”
“Open marriage is still a fucking marriage. You still go back to his house and have meals with him. You still appear in public on his fucking arm, have his last name, and wear his goddamn ring. So don’t expect me to rejoice at the news, Naomi. Don’t expect me to be a gentleman and say ‘you did the right thing,’ because you fucking didn’t. It should’ve been my name attached to yours. My ring on your finger. My fucking arm around yours. You were my Naomi first. My fucking woman. But you went ahead and ruined it.”
I taste salt, and it’s then I realize a tear has escaped my lids. The strength in his emotions leaves me breathless, feeling suffocated and with no way out. I’ve never seen Sebastian so down, so hurt.
I’ve never seen him so angry.
But his anger wraps a noose around mine and drags it out.
Because he has no right to be. Not after everything I’ve been through.
“Who do you think I did it for?” I jam a finger at his chest. “Do you think I enjoy being on Akira’s arm or that I’m delighted to wear his ring and have his goddamn name? I don’t! But I had to for you.”
“Me? Oh, that explains it all. Thanks.”
“Shut up, you fucking idiot. For once, just shut up and listen. You know the father I found? He’s Abe Hitori, as in, the head of the Yakuza in New York. It was by his order that you were shot that day in the forest and held in the cell. He did that to break me in and make me into his obedient daughter. And it worked. It fucking worked. If you hadn’t gotten medical care, you would’ve died, Sebastian. You would’ve disappeared as if you’d never existed. They would’ve buried you in some damn hole and no one would’ve found your body. So yes, you asshole, I did it to save you. I left and married Akira so you’d survive.”
Sebastian’s eyes widen and he steps closer, reaching a hand toward me, but I push him away. “No! Let me finish. You wanted to know everything that happened. So here it is, Sebastian. Here’s the fucking truth I’ve been swallowing like a bitter pill every damn day. When Ren and Kai, my father’s men, gave me the choice of following his orders or witnessing you die, I didn’t think twice about it. I was ready to sell my body and my fucking soul if it meant seeing you safe and sound. That’s how much you meant to me. That’s how much I cared about you. But that’s not all. My father would’ve sold my younger sister, Mio, who was only fourteen at the time, without batting an eye. But Akira wanted to marry me and my father needed the Mori family’s power, so that’s where I came in. The only reason my father even looked in my direction was because I’d be able to secure an alliance for him.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He sounds a bit broken, a bit emotional. “Why did you think it was a better fucking idea to leave me, break us, fucking destroy what we had.”
“I told you it was to protect you! To protect us, even if we didn’t exist anymore. I was so lost back then and scared and nothing I did seemed enough or right. Nothing I did could’ve brought me back to you.”
“Nao…”
“Don’t Nao me.” I push away from him, letting the tears loose. “I cried like a baby when I thought they would leave you for dead in that damn cell. I cried just as hard after I broke up with you on the phone and ended what we had with the fucking safe word. The night I married someone else, I lost a part of my soul. Ever since then, I’ve been only living but have never felt alive. I survived on reading articles about you and the thought that you were well and breathing. And you know what? I don’t regret what I did. I don’t regret saving you from my father’s wrath and continuing to do so until now, because if he finds out I’m endangering his precious alliance with Akira, he won’t hesitate to kill you this time.”
His hand touches my shoulder and I push it away. I’m a crying mess and my breathing is all over the place. Tears blur my vision until all I see are shadows. Sebastian doesn’t stop trying to reach for me, even though I wiggle free every time.
“Come here.” He wraps an arm around my back and I bang both fists against his chest.
However, my fight is short-lived as he engulfs me in a strong embrace. My nails dig into the material of his hoodie and I break.
In the middle of the forest.
In the darkness.
I let all the pain loose. Sharp pieces splinter into my heart and everything overflows to the surface.
Snot and tears stain my face and Sebastian’s clothes, but he holds me close, his hand drawing soothing circles on my back as he squeezes me.
“And my mom died around then…” I choke on the words. “It broke me harder because I was slapped with the reality that I was on my own… You weren’t there… Mom wasn’t there… Akira is cold and never attempts to be a friend… My father keeps threatening me with Mio’s life… She’s so young and sheltered, and I feel like I’m responsible for her, you know. I don’t want her to end up like me. I don’t want her to be Father’s pawn and marry a man she doesn’t love and then suffer because of it every day…with every damn breath she takes…because that’s how it felt without you, Sebastian. Breathing was a chore. Waking up every day, putting a smile on my face, and pretending I was fine was a damn struggle. I’m tired… I’m so tired.”
“I was tired, too, Naomi. I was hurt and bitter and a general asshole to everyone because the girl I thought was mine left me over a fucking text. You cut me open that day and I never managed to sew myself together again. You at least knew why you left, I didn’t. All this time, I thought you blamed me, I thought I was a motherfucking loser for not being able to protect you back then.”
“No, Sebastian, no…don’t think that way.”
“But I did, Naomi. For seven fucking years, that’s all I could think about. And then, you waltz back in on another man’s arm.”
“I just told you…”
“I know. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t shatter the pieces I’ve been trying to pick off the floor for years. The rusty knife you left inside me cut me deeper and harsher to the point where I thought I wouldn’t survive it this time.”
“I’m sorry…hurting is the last thing I wanted…”
“I’m sorry, too, baby.” His voice is low, pained. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that on your own. I wish I’d been there.”
His words make me sob harder and I snuggle into his embrace, sniffling and ugly crying.
Because maybe those are the words that I wanted to hear from Sebastian. That he wished he’d been there.
That he really wanted to be there for me and help me carry the burden.
I don’t know how long I stay like that, but Sebastian holds me the entire time, stroking my hair, my back, and being the rock I’ve needed all along.
“The only time I’ve been able to breathe was when I got back, when I saw you at that party the first time, even though you hated me.”
“Oh, baby, I never hated you. I hated what you did. I hated that you broke up with me over a text message and a phone call. I hated the person I became without you—grouchy, cold, and hollow. I hated a lot of things, including your fucking husband, whom I fantasized about killing a thousand times, but I never managed to hate you. Not for one second. Not for a single fucking breath.”
Oh, God.
It’s like I’m levitating out of my own body and finally living in that alternate reality I’ve been wishing for.
“Sebastian…” I stare up at him, his name caught between awe and pain.
“What is it?”
“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t pretend my heart and soul aren’t with you.”
“You won’t have to, baby. I promise.”
I don’t know how long I cry.
But it’s long enough that my eyes feel swollen and my breaths start hitching.
It goes on for what seems like hours, yet Sebastian doesn’t release me for even one second.
When I’m spent, he drives us out of the forest, but something tells me it’s not going to be our last time here.
This place was our beginning and has some of my best memories, and there’s nothing that will erase that.
I tell him to go to my house.
Or rather, Mom’s.
We step inside and I deactivate the alarm. The place is still the same as it was seven years ago. Nothing’s changed, not even the alarm code. I’ve been having a maid clean it up monthly, but this is the first time I’ve stepped foot in here since I left Blackwood.
I stand in the middle of the living room and hug myself as memories of Mom hit me out of nowhere.
I can imagine her standing in front of a mannequin and being a perfectionist.
The smell of her cigarette is at the tip of my nose, even though the place is spotlessly clean.
Images of the two of us eating and watching TV together assault me, and fresh tears spring to my eyes.
I’m such an emotional mess today.
Strong arms wrap around me from behind and I release a cracked breath.
“I didn’t know you kept it,” he whispers.
“I thought about selling it, but I just couldn’t. This is the last thing I have of Mom. The fashion house doesn’t count, that’s just work. This place is…full of memories of her and…us.”
“And your true crime shows,” he teases.
I laugh despite the tears. “And those, too. Though I haven’t watched one for seven years.”
He turns me around to face him. “Why not?”
“They brought the memories back and turned me into an emotional mess.”
“Let’s go get you a shower and then we’ll watch one.”
“We will?”
“The fucking things grew on me.”
“I told you they would.”
“I only like them because they remind me of you.”
My cheeks burn and I look away. “Do all the women fall for that?”
“Most of them do, Tsundere.”
I bite my lip to reign in the burning pit of jealousy hollowing the bottom of my stomach. I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way when I’m married, and I didn’t think he’d be celibate for seven years when I’m the one who broke his heart.
But I can’t help it.
“Is…Aspen one of them?”
“Could be.”
“She’s pretty.”
“She is.”
“Reina called her a redhead witch.”
“Reina is still a bitch sometimes. Aspen is a beautiful woman.”
“Then go back to your beautiful Aspen.”
“I’ll see her at the firm once my sick leave is over.”
“Well, good luck.”
“Thanks.”
“You’re not supposed to agree with that.”
“But you’re the one who was saying she’s pretty and wishing me good luck.”
“It’s just figure of speech, asshole.”
“You’re the definition of Tsundere.”
“Shut up.” I pull away from him and place a hand on my hip. “You have to do something about her. I don’t want to share you.”
“Are you going to do something about your husband?”
I bite my lower lip.
“You can’t ask me to be exclusive with you while you’re on another man’s arm, Naomi. That’s not how it works.”
“I…know.”
“What do you know? Do you know about how fucking enraged I become when I see you with him? You were smiling at the motherfucker in all the pictures online.”
“It was an act.”
“One you pulled so well.”
“Do you want me to cry then?”
“I want you to leave him once and for all. This is not up for fucking negotiation.”
“I want to leave him, too and I’m plotting something. Akira needs to be the one who divorces me while still being Father’s ally. If I initiate it, my father will come after you.”
“I don’t give a fuck about that.”
“No, Sebastian. No! I didn’t sacrifice seven damn years just to crash and burn now.”
He grabs me by the arm and pulls me close, his eyes darkening like a lethal storm. “I won’t see you on his fucking arm again, Naomi. Do you hear me? I don’t care if he’s gay. He still puts his fucking hands on you. He still touches you. I’ll kidnap you and get us both killed instead of seeing that scene again. You’re fucking mine and that means you belong with me, not with some other asshole.”
“Then get rid of Aspen, too. The next time I see her on your arm, I’ll kick you in the balls.”
“You will, huh?”
“Yes! And you know what else I’ll do? I won’t let you chase me.”
“Now, that is pure torture.”
“Torture is seeing you with another woman and not being able to do anything about it.”
“There’s no other woman, baby.”
“Huh?”
“Aspen and I are in a strictly professional relationship.”
“Then…why is she always on your arm?”
“Because I wanted to hurt you as much as you hurt me.”
“That’s just…cruel.”
“You were cruel, too.”
I release an involuntary breath that comes after too much crying. “Aren’t we so toxic?”
“We are?”
“Yeah, we keep hurting one another.”
“Not anymore.”
“But it hurts, Sebastian. Thinking about you with Aspen and other women hurts.”
“There haven’t been any other women.”
“W-what?”
“I’ve never been in a relationship since you.”
“Oh.”
“Not even for sex. I wanted to that first year, just so I could erase you, but I couldn’t get it up for anyone. Except for the memory of you while I was in the shower. Thanks for the world’s longest cockblock.”
“Wait…you never had sex with anyone else?”
“Not since Owen’s party. My dick blames you for his strained relationship with my hand, by the way.”
I smile, my heart feeling lighter than it has in years.
“What are you smiling at, Tsundere? My dick’s issue is a real one. That’s why I nearly broke you that first time after you came back.”
I wrap my arms around his neck. “I’m just happy.”
“Wow. You’re happy for my dick’s misery? Now he’ll really hate-fuck you.”
I laugh. “No, I’m happy because you never forgot about me. It makes everything worth it.”
“Who’ll make up for my slaughtered sex drive?”
I lick my lips. “I’ll apologize with my lips. They’re friends with your cock.”
“That would be a good start. But hate-fucking is still on the menu.”
“Isn’t it always on the menu?”
“We’ll take it up a notch this time.”
I hop up his body and Sebastian staggers backward as my legs and arms wrap around him.
He holds me steadily with an arm and smiles. “Is this an invitation, baby?”
“For you? I’m always asking for it.”
I squeal as I jump off of him and he eats up the distance between us in a fraction of a second. I turn and take the stairs, then I break out in laughter as we strip each other and tumble into the shower.
Happiness.
This is what happiness feels like and I wish I could stay in it forever.
Even if I know it won’t last.
