A week later, I waited on the bench outside Rum & Roasters, tucking my peacoat tight around me against the chilly breeze. It was a poor choice to wear my tights and skirt today, but I missed skirt season. I was tired of wearing sweaters and pants, and I wanted to break out the whiskers skirt.
For reasons I probably would never admit to anyone, myself included.
So, I rubbed my legs through the thin fabric to try to bring a little warmth, eyes scanning the students walking by for Shawn. As soon as he got here, we could dip inside the coffee shop so I could defrost.
I didn’t know exactly why I had felt the need to call him, to ask him to meet up — but something about coming clean about everything felt like it would give me a little closure. I certainly wasn’t going to get anything close to closure from Clay, so maybe this was my heart’s desperate attempt to take back some of the control that had been stolen from me.
My phone buzzed in my coat pocket, and I sighed at the text on it when I pulled it out.
Sorry, running a little late. Be there soon.
I thumbed out a reply, but before I could send it, someone’s shadow swept over me.
“Cute skirt, but I don’t know how the hell you’re not freezing your tits off right now.”
I frowned, angling my head up and squinting through the sun to find a smirking Riley staring down at me.
I smiled, looking down at the whiskers on my lap. “Maybe it’s because I don’t have any tits to freeze off?”
Riley laughed. “Scoot over.”
I did, and Riley took the seat next to me, looping her arm through mine and instantly warming me with her body heat through the much more comfortable athletic sweats she was wearing. I gave a small sigh of content, both at the heat and at the comfort she brought.
“What are you doing sitting in the cold, weirdo?”
I chuckled. “Waiting for someone.”
“Clay?”
His name sucked the smile off my face like a vacuum. “No,” I said, swallowing. “Just a friend.”
Riley nodded, quiet for a moment before asking, “You ever going to tell me what happened between you two?”
“I would if I knew.”
She frowned. “What does that mean?”
“It means he’s back with Maliyah, but I… I just know that’s not what he actually wants.”
“How do you know?”
I let out a breath, eyeing her for a moment before I turned to face her fully, and because I knew how big of a deal they were to her, I held out my pinky. “Pinky promise you won’t tell a soul what I’m about to tell you?”
Her eyes lit up, complete seriousness washing over her as she hooked her digit around mine. “My lips are sealed.”
And with that promise, I spilled everything.
Not just the version I’d told my dad, which had been sugarcoated and left out many details, but the full story. I told her about our agreement, how it had been fake at first — to which she perked up and declared I knew it! I told her that somehow along the way, things changed. My cheeks tinged red when I admitted that I was a virgin, and how Shawn singing his stupid steamy song had made me panic and beg Clay to help me not be anymore.
Everything.
The observatory, the auction, the days and nights we’d spent wrapped up in each other.
The break.
I couldn’t fight back my tears when I told her that part, and she squeezed my hand in hers, nodding like she knew exactly what I was feeling. After what happened between her and Zeke last semester, I had no doubt she really did.
“So, like I said, I’d tell you what happened if I understood it myself, but I don’t. He just… ended it. And I don’t care what he says about being back with Maliyah, I know it’s not what he wants. I just don’t know why he’s doing this.”
“Do you think he felt bad for hurting her? Or maybe she has something on him!” Riley bounced. “Oh my God, maybe she’s a sneaky cheerleader drug dealer and he got caught up in her web, and now she has him by the balls and he has no choice!”
I blinked. “Okay, I read mafia romance books for fun, and not even my brain went there.”
Riley shrugged. “Could be possible. Just saying.”
I smiled, but it fell quickly as I shook my head, still trying to process what had been plaguing me since he left my apartment that night. “I don’t know. But my Dad gave me some pretty sage advice last week. He told me I might never get the answers I need,” I said. “And that I needed to move on.”
Riley frowned. “Why does that make me want to cry?”
“Because it’s awful and unfair,” I answered. “But… he’s right. I don’t know what Clay’s keeping from me, why he did this, but all that really matters is that he did it. He broke up with me.” I shrugged. “As much as it kills me, I have to just accept that and figure out a way to keep going.”
Riley shook her head. “You’re stronger than I am.”
“Tell that to the ice cream-stained pajamas and mountains of tissue littering my bedroom right now.”
Riley leaned her head on my shoulder, slipping her arm through mine again. “You love him,” she whispered.
My throat constricted. “I do.”
“Isn’t it the worst?”
I choked on a laugh at that. “Yes,” I agreed. “It really, truly is.”
She was quiet for a long moment, and then she squeezed my arm. “I’m really sorry. And also, really mad at you for not telling me any of this. We’re friends, G.”
“I’m not really used to having friends,” I admitted.
“Well, get used to it. Especially because if you ever have a secret pleasure-fest where a man acts out your dirtiest book fantasies again, I want every sordid detail as it unfolds.”
I laughed at that, but then an acute sadness pierced my lungs. “God, that really was the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.”
“He’s one of a kind, that boy,” Riley said softly, and for a moment, we were both silent. Then, she sat up, nudging me. “But so are you. And you’re going to be okay, no matter what happens next.”
“Thank you, Riley.”
She smiled, and then her eyes flashed somewhere behind me. “Your guest is here.”
She stood as I turned to find Shawn heading our way, his guitar case slung over his right shoulder. He gave me a tentative wave when he saw me, and I stood to join Riley.
“Thank you for telling me,” she said, and then with a nod at Shawn, she added, “And good luck.”
With a fierce hug, she was gone — just in time for Shawn to stop at the edge of the bench.
I smiled, gesturing toward the café. “Shall we?”
It was an awkward quiet as we stood in line and got coffee, and Shawn found an empty table right in the center of the shop once we had our drinks in hand. He sat first, angling his guitar against the table, and I took the seat across from him.
“Thanks for meeting me.”
He nodded. “How are you?”
“I’m…” I paused. “Awful, honestly,” I admitted, but it was with a smile. “But I’ll be okay. Eventually.”
“Is that why you called me? To talk?”
“Yes, but not really about me. Well, kind of.” I shook my head. “I just… there’s something I want you to know. Something you deserve to know.”
Shawn cocked a brow, and with one last sip of my coffee and a deep breath, I told him about the deal I’d made with Clay in this very coffee shop, about the part Shawn played in our whole relationship. I left out the details I’d told Riley, even some that I’d told my dad, focusing instead on apologizing for playing a game with him that he wasn’t even aware of.
It hurt the worst to tell him out of everyone, especially as I watched a cold resolve wash over him when he realized everything between us had been carefully construed. When I finished, I lifted my coffee to my lips, waiting for him to process.
He sighed, running a hand over his hair. “Well,” he finally said. “I won’t lie and say I don’t wish I would have noticed you before Clay fake dated you and then consequently swept you off your feet.”
I smiled.
“But,” he continued, “I’m glad to know you now.”
His eyes danced in the low light of the coffee shop as he said it, and I felt a wave of relief wash over me. “Really?”
“Really,” he said. “Maybe we could start over.”
Panic seized me, my face reddening. I hadn’t thought of this as a possibility, him still wanting to date me. In fact, I thought he’d be pissed. I thought he’d curse me out and call me a psycho before storming out of the café.
“Um…”
“As friends,” he clarified, leaning forward on a smirk.
He smiled even more when I let out a breath of relief, and then he stood, holding his arms open for a hug.
I stood, too, and slipped into his grasp, squeezing him just as tightly when he wrapped me in his embrace.
“Friends,” I agreed.
I looked up at him when we pulled back, and he shook his head, arching a brow. “I can’t believe you played me like a damn fiddle.”
“I can’t believe you were trying to hook up with someone who had a boyfriend.”
“Hey, in my defense, you made him seem like a pretty shit boyfriend.”
“Fair,” I conceded, and he slowly released me, both of us taking our seats again.
“Speaking of which… I’m sorry. About the breakup.”
I nodded, lungs squeezing painfully tight in my chest. “Thank you. So am I.”
And with the truth sitting out in the open between us, I felt a marginal scrap of closure wrap itself around my bleeding heart. Dad was right. It wasn’t going to happen overnight. I wasn’t going to stop hurting or stop missing Clay, not for a long, long time.
But I was still here. I was still breathing, still living.
And I didn’t want to shy away from the pain as I moved forward.
It reminded me of all that was, all the powerful emotions I’d felt with Clay in the time our lives were tangled together. I never wanted to lose those stinging lashes of pain, never wanted to forget how it felt to be held by him, touched by him, kissed by him.
Loved by him.
Maybe I didn’t get to have him forever.
But I’d hold on to every little piece of him that he gave me for the rest of my life.
And after, too.
Clay
I was so fucking tired of Boston winter.
And technically, it wasn’t even winter yet. We were smack dab in the middle of fall, but the sleety mixture of rain and snow piercing my skin like tiny branding irons didn’t feel like fall to me.
In California, fall meant crisp evenings and warm days. It meant sunshine and clear blue skies. We rarely ever had nights below fifty degrees, and most days hovered somewhere in the seventies.
That was football weather to me.
But the masochists who grew up here in New England? They loved playing in this shit. It was written all over their faces as we practiced — Zeke sticking out his tongue with a victorious smile after a big return, Riley doing a little dance after knocking in a thirty-three-yard field goal. As for me? I grumbled through every minute of it until we were all jogging into the locker room to shower, all the while longing for the hot shower that waited inside.
My stride slowed when I saw Giana.
She was too focused on rounding up a few of the players for the Instagram Live she had scheduled to notice me, so I took advantage of the moment, watching her curls bounce as if in slow motion as she pointed and directed and bossed everyone around. Her skin was brighter, eyes still tired but not lined with red the way they had been. Her head was held high, focus locked in on the task at hand like she didn’t have anything else on her mind.
She looked better than she had in weeks.
And I knew it was because of Shawn.
My next inhale burned as I recalled the memory that would be etched into my brain for the rest of my life. Last Sunday, I’d been cramming for a test in my anatomy class and had barely been able to keep my eyes open — thanks mostly to my tossing and turning all night, which was my normal sleep routine now. So, in a desperate attempt to wrangle my focus, I’d jogged over to Rum & Roasters.
But I’d never made it inside.
Through the windows of the shop, foggy from the warmth inside combatting the bitter cold outside, I’d seen her.
In Shawn’s arms.
My heart bottomed out at the sight, at how she held him tight before looking up at him with a smile that used to belong to only me. He’d said something to make her laugh, and that was all I could stomach before I had to tear my gaze away and jog past.
She’d moved on.
God, how I wanted to be happy that she had. I wanted to feel relief that I hadn’t broken her completely, that Shawn was there for her to pick up the pieces I’d left behind. I wanted to find solace in the knowledge that she was going to be okay, that he was going to take care of her.
But it only made me sick with possession and dizzy with rage.
It was a betrayal, one I felt like a sword through my stomach — which I promptly emptied after I stumbled away from the coffee shop and found a trash can off the sidewalk path that circled campus.
It was a beating I deserved, one I shouldn’t have been even a little surprised or upset by.
But it fucking killed me.
“Hey,” Maliyah said, jarring me from my memory and snapping my attention from Giana to her. She slid her arms around my waist, pressing up on her toes to peck a kiss to my lips before I could pull away. “Great practice. Let’s get inside. I’m freezing.”
I swallowed, nodding as I tucked her under my arm with that same familiar nausea rolling through me.
And I caught Giana’s gaze on our way in, holding it as she looked from me to Maliyah and back again. Those Caribbean-blue eyes burned a hole through me even from yards away, and I wanted to memorize them, to stare so long I wouldn’t forget the exact shape and color of them for as long as I lived.
But she turned away, back to what she was doing — all without a single ounce of emotion showing that she cared.
Maybe I hated the weather because it matched my mood so well. Maybe I longed for sunshine and clear skies because I thought they could act as some kind of miracle drug that would snap me out of my pathetic haze.
“Let’s get sushi,” Maliyah said when we made it to the locker room, releasing me so she could continue down the hall to the one for the cheerleaders. “Shower, change, meet back here?”
“Sure.”
She smiled, but something in her eyes was sad as she took me in. She would have had to have been blind not to see how miserable I was, no matter how I attempted to fake like I was okay for her, and for my mom, and for Cory.
“You okay?”
I managed a nod. “Just cold. And tired.”
Her mouth twisted to the side. “You can talk to me, you know. I… I know we have a lot still to work through. I know I hurt you, that I betrayed your trust. But… I know you. Probably better than anyone else.”
I wanted to roll my eyes at how wrong she was about that.
“I can tell when you’re not okay.”
“I just have a lot on my mind.”
“Well, we can talk about it. Over dinner.”
Again, a little nod was all I offered.
She opened her mouth like she wanted to say something else, but thought better of it. Then, she turned, making her way down the hall as I slipped into the locker room.
The team was used to my sour attitude by now. They’d stopped giving me hell about it, stopped trying to pry information out of me, too. Now, they just sort of avoided me, like I was a flu they didn’t want to catch.
I quietly undressed, leaving my Under Armour briefs on until I made it to the shower, mostly just for Riley’s sake. When it was just me and a few guys, I stripped the rest of the way down, sighing heavily as the first bit of steaming hot water rained down on me.
My skin burned in protest before it adjusted, and then my muscles all relaxed at once, and I stood there under the showerhead content to be that way for hours. I ran my face under the water, squeezing my eyes shut as the warmth enveloped me.
Until, very suddenly, the water ran cold.
“What the fuck!”
I reached out blindly for the faucet, but was met with a wet t-shirt instead. Then, in my blind disorientation, the water shut off, I was thrown a towel, and all but shoved down until I was on my ass with my back against the cold tile wall.
“Cover your anaconda,” Zeke said, his voice one I’d recognize anywhere. I used the towel to wipe my eyes clean before I laid it over my lap and looked up to find him and Holden standing over me.
“Out,” Holden said, snapping his fingers to the two other guys who had been in the showers with me. They gave me a look that said thoughts and prayers before dipping out at our captain’s orders.
“What the hell is going on?” I asked.
“Riley,” Zeke called, ignoring me, and where the two guys had just disappeared, she peeked around the corner, making sure I was covered before she walked all the way in.
“Sorry for the barbarian ambush,” Riley said, crossing her arms as she joined the other two standing over me. “But we didn’t know what else to do to get you to talk.”
“Talk?”
“We want to know what’s going on,” Holden said, filling in the gaps. “And not the bullshit lie or half-truth you’ve been spitting when someone is brave enough to press you. You’re not okay. And if being with Maliyah was really what you wanted, you’d be over the fucking moon instead of a human version of Eeyore.”
I sighed. “I do want to be with Maliyah.”
As soon as the words were off my lips, Riley gave the guys a look, and they both stepped back just in time for her to turn the faucet and make icy cold water rain down on me.
“Riley! What the fuck!”
I held up my arms to shield myself from it — not that I really could — until she turned it off again. The towel over my lap was soaked now, and cold.
“You’re getting an ice bath every time you say some stupid shit like that,” she warned. “So I’d try again if I were you.”
I growled. “This is bullshit, I’m not—”
I tried to stand, but Zeke met my chest with a firm hand, pushing me back against the wall.
“Stop trying to handle whatever is going on alone,” he said, his voice loud and firm. “Goddamnit, Clay — can’t you see your friends are worried about you? You’ve been there for every single one of us at one point or another,” he continued, and I looked behind him at where Riley and Holden nodded in agreement before my eyes met Zeke’s again. “Let us help you now.”
Something raw and emotional snagged in my throat, and I tore my gaze from them, looking at the empty shower hall as I swallowed down whatever it was that was choking me. I was silent for a long while, shaking my head, intent to come back with some sort of argument.
But I didn’t have one.
Instead, I finally relented, sighing and letting my head fall back against the tile.
“It’s a long story,” I croaked.
Riley carefully lowered herself down onto the wet tile next to me, not a care in the world that it was going to soak her shorts when she did. She reached over and grabbed my forearm.
“We have time.”
Zeke and Holden sat down, too.
“We could move somewhere that isn’t the shower,” I suggested.
“Not a chance,” Riley said. “I need that faucet threat hanging over you. Literally.”
I smirked, then blew out a breath, and told them everything.
I was shocked at how easily the words came once I started, beginning with the deal I’d struck with Giana and ending with the nightmarish scene at her apartment — which was the last time we’d spoken.
All three of them leaned in, listening intently, and at the end of it all, they exchanged looks before Holden shook his head and said, “So, you did all this for your mom?”
I nodded. “I know it might not make sense to you, but she’s… she’s done so much for me, given up so much…”
“I understand more than you’d think,” Holden said, his stare severe where it held mine. But he didn’t elaborate before he added, “I get it. She’s your mom. She raised you. But, man… she’s the parent. She’s supposed to do that.”
I frowned. “Okay… so?”
“So, you’re the kid. You’re her son. And as much as you love her and want to help her, she’s an adult who needs to first help herself.”
“But she can’t. Not without me.”
“Yes, she can,” Riley said. “Your mom made a lot of choices that got her here. And I know you feel like you need to fix it for her, but if she doesn’t have to do the work herself?” Riley shrugged. “How is she ever really going to learn the lesson and grow?”
“This is not your battle,” Zeke added. “We are all for you helping your mom if rehab is what she needs, and we’ll figure out a way to get her there. But this? Accepting money from Cory in exchange for giving up the girl who’s made you happier than we’ve ever seen you?” He shook his head. “That’s not the answer.”
“But what else can I do?” I asked, throwing my hands up. “I already took out a loan. I can’t just keep doing that. My dad won’t help. And I don’t want to enter the draft early.”
“That’s not happening,” Holden said, as if it wasn’t even an option to consider. Zeke’s equally stern glare told me he felt the same.
“We will figure it out. Just give us some time to think,” Riley said. “And until then, your mom is an adult. She can take care of herself — the catch is, you have to let her. You have to take the crutch away and show her that she doesn’t need it. She can walk on her own.”
“And if she doesn’t? If she falls?”
Zeke looked at Riley and then back at me. “She’ll get back up. That’s what we all do — we get back up, and we try again.”
I shook my head, even as their words started to clear the fog in my head. “I already accepted that check from Cory. Mom cashed it. She’s in rehab on his dime. And he… he cares about us,” I said, not realizing how much that hurt until the words were out. “In his own fucked-up way, this is him showing that.”
“This is him getting what he wants,” Riley argued. Zeke gave her a pointed look that made her zip her lips shut, though I could tell by how red her cheeks were that it was an effort to keep from saying more.
“Tell him you appreciate his help and his offer, but that you’ve changed your mind,” Holden said calmly. “And if he takes the money back and she has to go back home? Again, we’ll figure it out.”
“And by the way, I know she hurt you in the past, but none of this is fair to Maliyah,” Riley added, unable to stay quiet any longer. “You and Cory are a lot alike, I can see that just from what you’ve told us. You both want to help people you love. But this isn’t the way to do it.” She shrugged. “Your mom is hurting. So is Maliyah. They’re probably regretting decisions they’ve made that led to where they are now. But that doesn’t mean you take it on you to fix it all and make everything better — because that only leaves them feeling emptier.”
“So what am I supposed to do then?” I challenged.
“Just be there for her,” Riley said, shaking her head as a smile curled on her lips. “Tell your mom you love her and you understand. Listen to her when she needs it. Support her when she asks for your advice. When she decides what she wants to do next, offer whatever help you can within your physical, emotional, mental, and financial means.”
“Love her through the hard time while reminding her it won’t last forever,” Holden added, and again, there was something so solemn in his gaze that I wondered if he was speaking from experience, from a lesson he’d learned himself.
“You have a right to be happy, Clay,” Riley said softly. “And you do not have to bear everyone else’s burdens. You’ve done enough of that.”
I swallowed, head falling back as I looked up at the showerhead. “I don’t want to hurt her.”
“She’s your mom,” Zeke said instantly. “If anything, she will be proud of you for setting boundaries. She wants the best for you, too. And she will be okay, man. I promise.”
I closed my eyes, shaking my head, not because I was refusing to listen, but because I hated how much everything they said made sense. Maybe it was something I’d known all along, something that swam under the surface of my need to be the one to fix everything for my mom, for Maliyah, for anyone in my life who was in trouble.
“Where was all this sage advice two weeks ago?” I whispered on a sad laugh.
“Right here. You were just too damn prideful to come to your friends and ask for help,” Riley said.
“Fair,” I admitted on a sigh. Then, I looked at each of them. “I hear you. And I… I know you’re right.”
“How badly did that hurt?” Zeke teased with a smirk.
I tried to smile, too, but it fell flat as I considered everything. “I’ll talk to Cory. And I’ll call my mom, explain everything. Maliyah wants to get sushi right after this, so I guess I can face her first. She deserves to know the truth.”
My stomach curled at the thought. It would be back-to-back disappointment from each person, but I knew I had no choice but to face the mess I’d created.
“And Giana?” Riley pressed.
My chest ached. “She’s moved on.”
Riley frowned. “Okay, I love you, Clay, but how stupid are you?” She shook her head. “That girl is far from moved on. She…” Riley inhaled a breath that stopped her next word. “You need to talk to her.”
“She’s with Shawn,” I said, the words nearly killing me as I croaked them out. “I’m too late.”
“What are you talking about?” Riley asked.
“I saw them together on Sunday. They were at the coffee shop.” I swallowed. “He was hugging her, and she was staring up at him, laughing.” I paused. “As she should be. I want her to be happy.”
“Oh, cut the shit,” Riley said, abruptly standing. “She’s not with Shawn, you dummy. She met up with him to tell him everything that happened. She needed some sort of closure — and she knew it wasn’t coming from you.”
Zeke and Holden stood with her as I shook my head, confused. “How do you know this?”
She tilted her chin. “Don’t worry about how I know it. What you need to worry about now is how you fix this.”
My head was spinning, and I stood to join them, carefully maneuvering the towel so it stayed covering me until I could tie it around my waist.
“I… I can’t.” I said. “I fucked this up beyond repair.”
“Ugh, you are infuriating,” Riley said, hanging her hands on her hips. She looked at Zeke next. “Were you this stupid, too, when we were broken up?”
“Worse,” he answered.
Riley rolled her eyes, then turned her focus back to me. “You read her books, didn’t you?”
I narrowed my gaze. “How do you know that?”
“Answer the question.”
“Yes, I read her books.”
“Okay, well, did you only pay attention to the sex scenes, or did you read the end?” She threw her hand out at me, as if the answer was floating in the air between us. “She’s waiting on you. She’s waiting for you to tell her the truth — which is that you fucked up, that you love her, that you’re stupid and you’re sorry and you can’t live without her.” She smiled. “This is the part where you get the girl, you idiot.”
“The grand gesture,” Zeke added, and my eyebrows shot up as he shrugged me off. “What? I know how to romance,” he said in defense.
I shook my head, running a hand back through my hair as hope flitted dangerously in my chest. I wanted to snuff it out like a flame not meant to be started, but it grew and grew, raging into a full-on forest fire as an idea bloomed under the smoke.
“Your wheels are turning, aren’t they?” Holden asked on a smirk.
I looked at him, at Riley, at Zeke — at my friends, who had essentially run into a burning building to save me. And the amount of gratitude I felt was too much to hold, too much to speak into life — but I hoped they saw it. I hoped they knew.
“What do you have in mind?” Zeke asked.
“And more importantly,” Riley added. “How can we help?”
