I REMAINED sat on the floor outside her bedroom until morning finally broke. When she finally opened the door, I climbed to my feet.
Again.
Only when I stepped into her, she blanched back. We stood like that as I took in her eyes, red-rimmed from the pain I caused her. And without speaking, she shouldered past me and walked away. I followed her tentatively to the main bathroom, only for her to close the door in my face like I wasn’t there. But one thing I’d noticed was she hadn’t slammed it this time.
She hadn’t slammed it–so that must’ve counted for something.
While she showered, I used that time to shower in my en-suite. I’d left my phone in the pocket of my trousers all night, only texting Noah to say I wouldn’t be at Hudson’s fight before turning it off. He was concerned, but he didn’t press when I explained I had to stay with Blue. I plugged in my phone to charge while I showered, and since turning it back on, I’d received a bunch more texts. The most important read: He fucking did it.
Noah, on Hudson.
The kid’s life was about to change.
Really fucking change.
I half-smiled as I placed down my phone and picked up my watch. It wasn’t the happiness or excitement I expected to feel. Perhaps that was all down to what’d unfolded in the last however many hours. The lack of sleep. The lack of alcohol in my system which only made my head pound and made thinking more difficult. What Blue said last night. The thoughts of her leaving–
Typically, my phone rang from the bedside table as I finished fastening my watch, disrupting my thoughts and feelings. Though weren’t they two of the same?
One hand gripped the towel at my waist, while I answered my phone with the other. “James.”
“Morning, Walker. How is she?”
I cleared my throat. “Quiet,” I offered. “Upset with me.”
He was silent a beat, unable to offer a response before changing the subject, which only had me tightening my hold on the phone in my hand. Why did he do that? Why did he often come across like he didn’t give a shit about anything? Except even as I contemplated it, I realised the same could be said for myself.
And I cared.
Fuck, quite often I cared a whole lot more than I let on.
“You missed the fight. Hudson took Killian down in the third round. Killian was leading up until the second. Seemed Hudson got a second wind and smashed it right out of the fucking park. You should be proud, Walker. Fantastic night. You did a remarkable fucking job.”
I may have made it all happen, but our fighters were the ones to entertain. Hudson, he deserved more praise than me. He’d put in all the work, though I didn’t say as much. Besides, I wanted to watch a replay of the fight with my own eyes and not have someone give me a play-by-play.
It would have to wait when other things were demanding my attention.
Like his daughter, and the fact she was leaving.
“What time is your flight?” I responded, glancing at the time.
“Twelve ‘o’clock.”
“Twelve?” That didn’t give me and Blue much time to say goodbye. I thought we’d have the day at least.
“Is that a problem?”
“No.”
“Will you have Finley drive her to the airport?”
I considered taking her myself–clam up as much time with her as I could before she left me. Even if that time was in silence. But as I was undecided, the only response I could offer was, “She’ll be there.”
With that, I hung up the phone and placed it down on my bedside table. When I turned, I noticed Blue hovering in my doorway, a towel around her body as I had around mine. I didn’t expect her to say a word, but she asked, “Was that my father?”
I nodded. “Your flight’s at twelve.”
“Then I guess I should pack.”
“I’m sorry for everything,” I said as I moved towards her, only for her to frown and step back.
“Don’t.”
“Blue,” I pleaded. “I just…” want to fucking hold you.
“You just what?”
My heart palpitated, but my mouth refused to voice everything it wanted to say. I’d spent the whole night convincing myself that all this was for the best.
I swallowed hard as thoughts like, “What do I do?” and “What should I do?” drove through my head on a loop. But fuck, what did they matter? This wasn’t about me; it was about her. London wasn’t good for her, and neither was I.
“Nothing,” I replied, exasperated. What the hell would my apology fix anyway? It couldn’t change anything. It was actions that spoke louder than words, and I was failing at both. “You’re right,” I grit, angry at myself. Maybe even a little angry at her for not giving me what I wanted in return, even if she had no idea what that was. Even if I didn’t. And for not telling me what I wanted to hear, even if she couldn’t stay. Even if I shut her down.
I was a dumb cunt who couldn’t communicate his feelings because I didn’t fucking understand them. I cemented that when I told her, “You should go and pack.”
NOW DRESSED in my comfy sweats, I leant against the doorjamb of Blue’s bedroom, overlooking her walk in and out of the closet as she packed the two suitcases she had sprawled across her bed.
“When will the rest of my things be sent back?”
“I’ll have them shipped as soon as possible.”
One by one, she folded an item of clothing, placing each one inside her suitcase neatly. When she finished filling both, she zipped them up and pivoted to face me with her hands on her hips. Even with the circumstance we found ourselves in, I couldn’t force my eyes away from the hem of her tiny skirt as I remembered how, just yesterday, I took her virginity and claimed she was mine.
But that was before.
And this was now.
“I’ve been thinking,” she mused.
“About…?”
“I don’t have to go,” she suggested.
I frowned. I might have been thinking it. Wishing it. But I never said so out loud, which meant… she didn’t know how much I wanted that to happen. And it wasn’t going to happen because, for one, it wasn’t possible for her to stay and things to be as they were. Not after everything.
“You’re looking at me like I’ve grown two heads,” she went on to say. And then she grew defensive. “When I say stay, I don’t mean here, with you. I could get an apartment, and I could continue my apprenticeship at the club.”
No chance could I have her working in my club, knowing I could never have her. I couldn’t sit back and watch wankers closer to her age pine after her. Though that’s not what I said.
“Your future isn’t over just because you’re moving back home, Blue–there’re options to continue your education in Miami too.”
I’d make sure of it.
She didn’t have a reply to that, so I found myself walking into her bedroom and standing in front of her. I took her chin between my forefinger and thumb and raised it, so her eyes met mine. The touch was minor when I compared it to visions of how I really wanted to comfort her. How I really wanted to say goodbye.
“You’re going home.” Still, even as I said the words, I found my gaze dropping to her lips, desperate for one final kiss.
“I’m going home,” she reiterated in a whisper. Three little words that sliced my chest right open, and still, I denied bleeding out at her feet. I watched as the blue in her eyes morphed into a green hue, and then she drew her face away from my hold. “You’re right,” she mocked. “Thank you for reminding me.”
And so, I backed away with my hands in my pockets, leaving her alone to do whatever she had left to do.
NOT LONG LATER, I heard her walk out of her room with her suitcases in tow, the wheels spinning down the hall until she reached the living area. A lot like the wheels in my head as I sat on the couch, my head slouched back and my gaze set on the ceiling. “You have to be at the airport within the hour. Finley’s waiting outside; he’s ready to go whenever you are.”
It all felt very final.
A lot like the beginning, but in reverse.
Behind me, the wheels stopped, and I figured she’d left her suitcases beside the kitchen island. A moment later, she took a seat beside me, and I turned my head only slightly to acknowledge her. I chose not to speak first, worried I might say the wrong thing and scare her away.
She licked her lips. I could only assume she was tired of fighting and accepted everything for what it was when she said, “I’m sorry for cutting you off when you were trying to apologise earlier.”
I released a pent-up breath, about to tell her she needn’t apologise, but she continued. “And I’m really sorry you missed the main event. I know how hard you worked and–”
I interrupted her, not having it in me to give a fuck about work. “I’m sorry you learned everything the way you did.”
There was no point in wasting our last however many minutes together. There was no part of me that wanted to fight with her. Zero part of me that wanted to go around in circles when time wasn’t on our side.
She ignored me though, shaking her head. “I’m sorry for what I said last night.”
My brows pinched. “I’m sorry for what I didn’t.”
That got her attention.
Noticeably, she took a deep breath. “Do you think we’ll still be friends?” she asked.
“Friends?” I repeated. My cheeks quirked, but the word rolled from my tongue uncomfortably. I wasn’t sure whether I found it funny because it was so left-field, or completely ridiculous for all the reasons it shouldn’t be.
“Pen pals?” She smiled. A smile that was completely cute as fuck, in spite of the sadness in her eyes. “You can text me. Or email. I’m easy.”
I threw her a look that said both, “You’ve got to be kidding me?” and “How can we ever be friends?” but I avoided the words.
Friendship wasn’t on my agenda, nor was it possible.
She dropped her head to the sofa, either reading into my thoughts or deep down, feeling the same way. “I didn’t think so.”
I nudged her knee with mine, trying to be friendly and ignoring the buzz she set off under my skin. But it felt fucking weird. It felt like we were never meant to be friends. It felt better to imagine us as strangers who, I don’t know, knew each other in another lifetime. Who locked eyes across a crowded room and reminisced on our once upon a time from a distance.
“You have that faraway look in your eyes,” she spoke softly. “The same one you had when we were on the roof.”
I pulled my bottom lip into my mouth, deep in thought.
Brazenly, she slid onto my lap, her knees on either side of my hips. I had to clench my fists to stop my hands from roaming.
“What are you thinking about?” she whispered.
My throat was suddenly dry, clogged with emotion as I swallowed. I couldn’t tell her what I was thinking about. I couldn’t tell her that the night of her birthday was the happiest I’d felt with someone in a long while. That there wasn’t nowt I would do for her if it meant doing the right thing.
I lifted my chin and forced a smile. “Just thinking about how if you don’t hurry up, you might miss your flight.”
She gave me a sad smile in return, and then, taking me off guard, she leant forward and placed a kiss on each of my eyelids. The touch of her lips was so tender, so soft. A total contradiction to the way I viewed the world.
I went to speak again, not even sure what I was about to say, but she placed her finger against my lips, silencing me. The warmth of my breath hit her finger before I closed my mouth, and as she slowly retreated, she wrapped both her arms around my neck.
She made it difficult for me to hold back.
My fists unclenched without permission, and my hands went to her waist.
Knowing the inevitable was right around the corner, I dropped my head to her neck and inhaled, absorbing what little I had left of her.
Because she was leaving.
And I wasn’t going to stop her.
The same way I hadn’t stopped her from turning her head and slanting her mouth against mine in a goodbye kiss. My fingers dug into her waist, but I knew no amount of hold would let me keep her. Fuck, I’d never been good with words, with vocalising how I felt, but this? I could express myself like this. I could say goodbye like this and still have it mean something.
I’m not sure who instigated tongue first, but they tangled, slow and soft, until our kiss became heated. Sparks flew. They flew like we were free-falling from a burning building as she writhed against me. The heat hit my cock, and I hardened beneath her within seconds.
My brain told me to pull back, but every other part of my being was fighting to push. The truth was, I just wanted to be as close to her as possible before she was half the world away. But there was a part of me that believed I could say goodbye in spite of not wanting to let go. And when she began to move against me, jerking against the outline of my cock, I realised she was just as eager and needy for me as I was for her. Even if I wanted to stop this, I couldn’t. And suddenly, I was no longer thinking about her leaving, but how much I wanted to be deep inside her warmth.
My hands moved under her skirt, and then I spread her cheeks, encouraging her back and forth along the hard ridge inside my sweats. I didn’t want to take more than she was willing to give, but as she moved, I looked down at the mess she was making all over me and in between kisses, I murmured, “Stand up. Take off your underwear.”
She was already so wet for me, and shit, she was perfect.
So fucking perfect.
She slipped off my lap, stood in front of me, and quickly lowered her lace underwear down her legs and away from her ankles like we’d done this a handful of times. Though I knew better, because it was just yesterday when I impaled her with my cock for the first time, only for everything to fall to shit hours later. Regardless of how it all played out, I couldn’t find it in me to regret it.
She climbed back onto my lap, reaching into the waistband of my sweats to palm me. Her hand was warm and soft against my hard cock. She moved upwards from the base to my crown, spreading pre-cum around my tip. Once. Twice. Three times. I kissed her repeatedly, practically tongue fucking her mouth. Swallowing the symphonies from her throat as she touched me.
When it got too much and I felt like I was going to explode in her hand, I helped her remove my cock from the restraint of my sweats. She watched with heat in her eyes as I took myself in my fist and rubbed myself over her slit, bathing in her wetness. I directed my cock at her opening, but before I buried myself inside of her, I wrapped my free hand around the side of her neck and leant forward, breathing her in as she breathed me out.
“Fuck, Blue.” My tone was equal parts pleasure and equal parts pain as she sank down on my cock like the good girl she was. As was her moan when our eyes locked, and she felt me fill her.
Her eyelashes fluttered as I shoved in, pushing myself to the hilt and making her lips part against mine in a gasp. We started slowly at first, with long, slow, teasing thrusts. Thrusts that said, “I’m sorry” and “I’m going to miss you.” But as her pussy clenched around my cock and we found a rhythm, it was only fitting that our tempo increased. Again and again, I pushed upwards as she came down. Again and again, I bottomed out inside of her until the two of us were sweating and breathing fast. It was everything we weren’t saying. We were broken, whole, damaged, and perfect in every way which we weren’t.
“Remember how you asked me if it always felt like this?” I gripped her hips and raised her up before forcing her back down, my eyes dancing between where I entered her and the look on her face. “The answer’s no, baby. It’s never felt like this. You were never meant to make me feel like this.”
She was too lost in her pleasure to find the words to speak, or the energy to fuck me back as hard as before. So I took the reins, giving her time to get some energy as I thrust in and out of her nice and slow. She moaned repeatedly, encasing her top half around me as best as possible. Holding on to me like I was a lifeline. It was probably the closest I’d ever came to making love with a woman. And in that moment, I understood I’d never find this again.
I’d never find another Blue.
The sudden urgency I had to feel her come all over my cock began to creep up on me, and I knew, I just knew, I was close to spilling inside of her. I wanted to fill her up until her veins were full of me. I wanted her to be so full that when she cried, she cried me. I wanted her to live, breathe, and fucking sweat me. Wherever she went, I wanted her to feel me. But most of all, I wanted her to never forget the way I made her feel, no matter where in the world she ended up.
No matter who in the world she ended up with.
“Nate,” she breathed. Over and over.
With our bodies stuck together in the web of us, I reached around to her ass and began spreading her wetness over her puckered hole.
Apparently, before she left, I was taking that too.
She whimpered, needily. “Oh God, Nate, that feels–”
She didn’t get the rest of her words out before my little finger was creeping into her ass. The remnants of whatever was left in her throat morphed into a glorious toe-curling moan. And her nails drew blood from my back as they bit into my skin.
Because she was high.
So fucking high on me and us, and–
“Jesus fuck,” I grunted, feeling her pussy tighten around my length. “You’re so nice and warm, baby. You fit me like a fucking glove.” Her legs began to shake as I continued thrusting up inside her, angling her forward so her clit rubbed against me. I continued to finger her ass, knowing we were both about ready to come. “Jesus, Blue. How the fuck am I going to live without you? How the fuck am I going to live knowing someone else gets this?”
I don’t know if she heard me above her moans. I don’t even know if I said the words aloud. The only answer she gave was in the form of a mewl as she stepped over the edge with me, milking my cock within an inch of its life.
This girl was my devotion.
Only I realised it too little, too late.
Entirely worn, I slipped my finger from her ass, leaning back to memorise every inch of her pretty face. She collapsed onto me, her head against my chest as our hearts and our minds regained their clarity.
And then I realised something, like a stab to my stomach.
This was it.
Our goodbye.
