Did I know that I was doing? God, no, I didn’t. The only thing I was sure of was that my body wanted him, had wanted him from the first moment we’d seen each other, and now I could justify my desire with something else. He was my only chance to get what I wanted and if that required using my body to get it, I was willing to do so. He kissed me again, harder this time and began tearing at my shirt. I wanted to protest but before I could he’d ripped it apart, leaving me in nothing but my bra. And then that was gone too and he sucked my nipple into his mouth. I cried out in surprise and lust, and barely had time to catch my breath when Growl staggered to his feet. Confusion shot through me. Was he leaving? Had I done something wrong? I’d thought he wanted me even more than I wanted him.
I peered up at him, feeling shame rise up in me, but then I saw him fumbling with his belt and shoving his pants down. His cock sprang free, already big and glistening at the tip. Warmth spread between my legs at the sight despite the soreness I was still feeling.
With his cock standing at attention, he moved closer. It was on eye level and I finally had an idea what he had in mind. Nerves fluttered in my stomach. I wasn’t sure if I could do it and if I’d like it at all. Growl didn’t give me much time for uncertainty though. He stopped right in front of me, his cock only a few inches from my face. He smelled clean and part of me wondered how he would taste. Growl had seemingly enjoyed what he’d done to me yesterday, especially my taste. I peeked up at him again.
His hand raked through my hair and came to rest on the back of my head. He pushed me forward lightly until my lips brushed his tip. This was wrong, wasn’t it? Growl saw nothing in me but a thing to give him pleasure. For a moment my instincts told me to lock my jaw, but then I let him slide into my mouth. He tasted slightly salty but not in a bad way.
Lust flashed in his eyes.
My own body flushed with elation, and a new wave of heat gathered between my legs. I shouldn’t want, shouldn’t enjoy this. This was wrong on so many levels but as Growl’s movements became harder, as his length slid in and out of my mouth faster, my hands grabbed his butt seemingly on their own accord. His muscles flexed under my fingers, hard and unrelenting.
His thrusts became jerky and then he released into me with a low groan. I had trouble swallowing around him but he didn’t stop pushing into me. He slowed gradually, still shuddering. His eyes met mine and I shivered. I tried to pull back but his hands kept me in place. After a moment, he slid his length out of my mouth inch by inch. It was still hard but smaller than before. He took a step back and my face became unbearably hot as shame washed over me at what he’d made me do, at what I’d done, even enjoyed doing. God. If my mother knew. If anyone knew. I knew what Trish and Anastasia would say about me. They’d call me a dirty slut. My conflicted emotions made me feel like I had a split personality.
Suddenly the taste of him made me feel dirty. I could hardly stop myself from spitting on the ground. Rough hands pulled me to my feet and flush against his body. Before I had a chance to react, he thrust his tongue into my mouth, tasting me, tasting himself.
My knees became weak as he explored my mouth. Didn’t he mind tasting himself? I thought men would find it disgusting. He sucked my lower lip into his mouth, then released it with a plop. “Your mouth tastes fucking perfect with my cum in it,” he growled.
Embarrassment washed over me again, but Growl knew no mercy. He thrust a finger into me and I gasped first from discomfort than something else, something incredible. He curled his fingers deep in me and I could feel nerve-endings inside of me I’d never felt before. Growl began sliding his fingers in and out slowly, and I was ashamed at how easy his path was, wet and hot and eager. Giving him pleasure had turned me on. Was that even normal to be that turned on by something so dirty? My forehead fell against his strong chest. I couldn’t hold it up anymore, couldn’t even stand on my own legs. The sensations held me in their stronghold. Growl’s thumb flicked over my nub of nerves, again on the edge of almost painful. My whole body reverberated with desire.
A cry sat on the tip of my tongue but I bit it back, pressed my lips against the rough fabric of Growl’s shirt. I could control the sounds I made, but my body shook with the wave of sensations crashing over it. Everything was quiet except for Growl’s and my rapid breathing. I swallowed, trying to make sense of what had just happened. But again Growl didn’t give me time to ponder. He released me and I almost lost my balance.
“I’ll order pizza. What do you want?” came his matter-of-fact question as he grabbed the phone.
I felt like someone had plunged me into water. Now that the pleasure was fading, guilt and shame and loneliness reared their ugly heads again. The brief moments of passion had made me forget what kind of arrangement this was, what kind of man Growl was. I was nothing more than his whore, cheaper than the ones he usually used in Falcone’s whore houses and unlike them I hadn’t even pretended to enjoy what he was doing. Stop it. You’re doing what’s necessary, I reminded myself.
I sank back down on the sofa. My legs were shaky and I felt drained, emotionally and physically. I needed to make a decision. Either I was going through with this and try to make Growl trust me that way, or I’d have to figure out a way to get out of this situation without him. No. I needed him.
“Cara?” Growl repeated. Hearing my name from his mouth always sent a shiver down my back,. That voice, so deep and rough. “What should I order for you?”
I shrugged. I didn’t care. Pizza was the last thing on my mind right now. It was obvious that Growl enjoyed being with me physically but on an emotional level I wasn’t getting anywhere. He always withdrew after sex. As if he couldn’t bear physical closeness after the actual act. I wasn’t sure how to change that. The worst was that I actually wanted to be close to him. The physical closeness of sex made me long for more closeness afterward.
Growl sighed. “I’ll get you tuna,” he said. “You need to eat enough or you’ll get sick.”
At least he was concerned about my physical wellbeing in a way. Though he was probably only looking after his possession. “I don’t think food will be the reason why I’ll get sick,” I muttered.
Growl didn’t say anything but I thought perhaps he’d caught the hint. It was difficult to say since his eyes were always blank or guarded, and his expression just the same. He picked up his phone and ordered two pizzas, still stark naked. I couldn’t stop myself from admiring his muscled butt. When he turned around, I could read the inked text over his breast for the first time. So far I’d always been too busy with other things. The huge black letters read ‘I shall bathe in the blood of my enemies and feast on their fear.’
Martial words that crossed Growl’s entire broad chest. Why had he chosen them? To remind himself of who he was? Perhaps it had something to do with how he’d gotten his scar, but I still wasn’t sure how to breach the subject without making him close up completely. It was obvious that he didn’t like to talk about the topic or people would know the facts. Growl grabbed his pants from the floor and put them on. My own shirt was ripped and I wasn’t really in the mood to put on my tight-fitting jeans. “Do you have a shirt for me?”
For a moment Growl seemed stunned by the request but then he went to his room and returned with a black t-shirt. He held it out to me with an almost hesitant expression. I stood and took the shirt from him, then pulled it over my head. It reached my knees but it was very comfortable. I could feel Growl’s eyes on me the entire time. If I wasn’t mistaken, there was wistfulness on his face. Why? What was he thinking?
His expression turned blank. I stifled a sigh and sank down on the sofa. Growl sat down beside me. Close enough that I could smell his musky scent mixed with sex but without touching me.
“Why don’t you buy kitchen furniture so we can eat there?” I asked when it became clear that he didn’t mind sitting in absolute silence. His head had to be an incredibly exciting place considering how much time he spent there.
“I never needed it. I don’t eat breakfast and I can drink coffee while standing. And we can sit in the living room,” Growl said, pointing at the table in front of us.
“I know, but it would be more cozy to sit in the kitchen than in front of a TV with a table that’s barely reaching our knees.”
Growl shrugged. “I don’t need much.”
That was true.
“Don’t you ever have guests?”
“I don’t have guests.”
“What about family?” I was treading risky ground but it was time to find out more about the man who controlled my body in a scary way.
“I don’t have a family.”
His words reminded me that my own family was at risk. I couldn’t imagine being without family. The mere thought stung in my chest. I would do anything to save the family I had left. I moved a bit closer to Growl and pressed my hand against his chest.
Growl peered at me, then at my hand. He seemed unsure how to react. I could see that he was uncomfortable, but he didn’t push me away.
“You never had a family?” I asked to distract myself from my worry over my own family and the way my own body was springing back to life just from touching Growl’s chest.
My fingers traced the many rigs on Growl’s chest, always finding new paths across his body. Tracing his muscles and scars was a good way to quiet my nervous mind. As long as my fingers remained in motion, my brain seemed to slow down a tad.
“I had a mother,” he said in a low voice.
My fingers froze over his collarbone, surprised by his words. I would have thought he’d avoid the topic. Did that mean he began to trust me?
My gaze went up to his face but he was looking up at the ceiling with an unreadable expression. He didn’t want me to see his eyes, and that only made me more curious to see them. “What happened to her?”
Silence reigned between us for a very long time and I began to worry that I’d messed up my chance to gain Growl’s trust, when he finally said, “She’s dead.”
“How?” I asked. Growl’s hand went up to his throat but he didn’t touch himself there. He seemed to avoid touching his throat altogether, not just the scar.
“The person who slit your throat killed her?” I risked a guess.
For a moment, Growl was silent, and he even seemed to have stopped breathing. “He did. He killed her right in front of me. Made me watch her bleed out. He cut her throat too. But first mine to punish her. He thought I’d die quickly, but my mother was dead within a minute and I kept living.” He sounded almost sorry, as if he wished he’d died that day.
My mouth became dry. “What about your father? Where was he?”
“He’s not dead.” Why wasn’t he answering my second question?
“I can’t believe anyone would do this to an innocent boy.” I traced the letters on his chest. These words, all the scary tattoos, everything began to make sense.
“I wasn’t innocent, not even back then.” His words rumbled in his chest, I could feel it against my palm.
“Why would you say that? How old were you back then?”
“Five.”
God, how could anyone hurt a five-year-old like that? People called Growl a monster, even I thought of him like that, but whoever had almost killed Growl as a small boy was so much worse. “Everyone’s innocent at that age. Nobody’s born bad. You were so small. Why didn’t you try to hunt the person down who did this to you? You’re not the small boy of the past, you have connections and power now. I’m sure Falcone wouldn’t have cared if you’d gone and avenged your mother.”
A short laugh vibrated in his chest. It made the little hairs on my arms stand on end. “Falcone would care.”
“Why? Is it someone he does business with?”
Growl met my gaze square on and the look in his eyes made a horrid suspicion settle in my mind. But I couldn’t be right…
“Falcone was the man who did all this,” Growl said, motioning toward his throat.
I pulled my hand away from his chest. “So,” I said slowly. It was difficult finding the right words, or any words, really. “Falcone killed your own mother and wanted to kill you too and you decide to work for him?” I wanted to understand him but how could I possibly understand something like that? This was so far from normal. It blew my mind.
Growl gave an almost imperceptible nod. His face was unmoved, but there was a flicker of something in his eyes I wouldn’t have noticed a few days ago. I was becoming more perceptive and growing used to the small changes in his facial expressions.
“Why?” I whispered. Why would anyone want to work for such a man? Maybe something had been irrevocably damaged when Growl had to watch all that at such a young age. Part of me wanted to reach out to that damaged little boy and squeeze him into a tight hug and tell him everything would be okay. But for one, I wasn’t sure if that boy was still hidden away somewhere in Growl or if he’d shriveled with time and the horrors he’d witnessed. And second, I knew I would be lying to that boy. Few things would be okay in Growl’s life. That boy would be molded into a monster through abuse and cruelty. Perhaps it would have been better if he hadn’t survived in the first place. Not only to spare him the horrors of his life but also to save the many he’d tortured and killed for Falcone.
I’d given up on an answer from Growl when he said, “Because he’s my father.”
I sucked in a deep breath. “Falcone?” I asked because it seemed impossible. I didn’t doubt Falcone had many mistresses beside his wife. A man like him couldn’t be faithful. But it simply seemed impossible that word hadn’t gotten out. That people didn’t mention Falcone’s name in one breath with Growl, the bastard. My eyes searched Growl’s face, but if there was something of Falcone in his features, it remained hidden to me.
He nodded again. “That was one of the reasons why he wanted to get rid of me. And why he killed my mother. She threatened to tell people. Falcone doesn’t let anyone threaten him.”
“He killed your mother. The woman he had a child with,” I said slowly.
Growl didn’t react.
“How could he do that? What kind of monster would do something like that?” I winced, suddenly worried I’d gone too far. For some ridiculous reason, Growl was loyal to his cruel father.
“A monster like me,” he murmured.
“Like father, like son?”
Growl shrugged. I could tell that he was done with our conversation but I was way too agitated to let the topic drop so quickly. “Maybe you shouldn’t take your father’s horrible nature as an excuse to be a monster yourself. Maybe you should strive to be better.”
He let out a low breath, which might have been a laugh, I wasn’t sure.
“I’m not joking.”
He rose to his feet. “I’m not a monster because of my father. I’m a monster because I chose to be.”
I doubted that was the truth. He’d been a young boy when he’d experienced horrors even grown men could hardly imagine. “It’s never too late to change and to make up for your mistakes.”
Growl shook his head. “You’re naïve if you think that’s an option. I won’t change. I don’t want to. My life is good as it is.”
“You’re working for the man who killed your mother. I don’t believe you can live with that.”
“I have for a very long time.”
“If I were you, I’d want to get revenge.”
Growl smiled darkly. “But you aren’t me. And you don’t know me.”
He turned around and left the room. A second later I heard the backdoor open and close.
He was right. I didn’t know him. Yet. But today he’d handed me a few pieces of the puzzle that was him, and I was determined to get the remaining pieces as well.
