A couple of weeks later, my family and I were starting to settle in, and Talia was almost back to her usual self.
I returned from my walk with Coco and Bandit on the vast premises of the Vitiello mansion and was on my way into the guest wing when words carried over to me from somewhere else in the house.
I knew that voice. Every night I heard it in my dreams, most of them nightmares. But not he was the cause of my fears, not anymore. So much had changed.
I dropped the leashes and began running toward that voice. I didn’t stop until I spotted him in the living room. I skidded to a stop, my heart beating in my throat.
And there he was dark and tall and bruised. One of his eyes was swollen shut and several cuts and more bruises littered his skin.
I couldn’t move. The dogs didn’t share my hesitation. They’d followed me, dragging their leashes behind themselves. They lurched forward, yapping and wagging their tails.
Luca, Romero and Matteo startled and pulled their guns. But Coco and Bandit didn’t attack. They squeezed against Growl’s legs and he reached down to pat their heads but his eyes went to me, piercing me to the very core.
Two weeks since we’d last seen each other. Where had he been? Why hadn’t he given me a sign that he was alive? I’d mourned his death, had made plans for a future without him, but now that he was here I wondered if we even had a future together. We’d never talked about it. I had been his, not by choice, and now that I was free I wondered if we could make it work. Did I really want to live with the man who’d as good as owned me? Did he even want me now that I wasn’t a mere gift anymore? So many questions raced through my head and left me reeling.
I searched his eyes and realized that just for an instant before Growl could put his shields back up, I saw my own questions reflected in them.
“You are alive,” I said simply.
He didn’t move closer. “I am hard to kill.”
I noticed Aria in the corner, watching us.
Luca broke the tense silence. “Is it done?”
Growl finally tore his gaze away from me. “I killed many of Falcone’s closest men. There’s a lot of fighting going on in Vegas now. His sons and Cosimo are fighting for power. It’ll keep them busy for a while.”
Luca seemed satisfied with that. Business. This was all about business. Was that why they’d taken Growl in? Because Growl had important information about the Vegas Camorra?
I wanted to run toward Growl but he didn’t seem to want that. Confusion filled me. I needed fresh air. I needed to think. I turned around and hurried back outside. I stopped when I reached a bench and sank down on it.
Aria joined me a few moments later. “You love him. Why don’t you show him?”
“Because he doesn’t love me. He can’t. This thing between us has no future.”
I wasn’t naïve enough to believe that Growl would change. If we stayed in New York and if he was allowed to work for Luca, there was only one job that he could do. He’d become one of Luca’s assassins. Too much had been broken in Growl when he watched his mother die and when he almost bled to death himself. I wanted to mend him but I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to recover all the broken pieces. Some of them might be lost forever.
“Why? If you love him there’s a way.”
“He’s…not good.”
Aria laughed softly. “Luca isn’t good either, but I love him with all my heart. You just have to allow yourself to love his good parts.”
I loved good parts and I loved his ugly parts, loved him more than I should.
He’d stolen my freedom, my life. And somehow along the way, without me realizing it, he’d also stolen my heart.
“He loves you. I don’t know exactly what Luca and Growl talked about when they first met yesterday, but I have a feeling that the only reason why Luca trusts Growl is because he realized that Growl loves you. And Luca knows what love can do to a person.” She paused. “Your sister mentioned that your mother doesn’t approve. But don’t let that stop you, if you really love him. My sister Gianna didn’t like Luca very much in the beginning either.”
I nodded to show her I’d listened, but I couldn’t say anything.
Growl
Growl paced the corridor in front of Cara’s room. He wasn’t sure why he was waiting for her to show up. What was there left to talk about?
The moment she’d left for New York a few without him he’d known that this meant the end for them. The realization had been like a punch in the gut, the realization that she wouldn’t stay with him, a monster. No one would. She’d seemed to enjoy his company in the end, enjoyed his closeness and touch but he didn’t fool himself. Her affection for him had been born out of necessity. She’d had no choice. She couldn’t get away from him. But now everything had changed. In New York, Cara would be free to do as she pleased. No one was stopping her. Growl knew enough of Luca to know that the man wouldn’t support him in keeping Cara. And though it had taken a while for Growl to realize it, he didn’t want to have Cara as a possession. He wanted her to want to be with him. He knew that ridiculous notion meant he’d lose her altogether. She’d live her life without him. She’d find a new guy, a nice guy, someone who hadn’t caused her so many nightmares.
It was difficult for him to understand emotions, even and that would never change. But her expression just now made it clear even to him that she didn’t want him. Perhaps she’d pretended to tolerate him for her own sake and because she wanted him to help her revenge her father and kill Falcone. He couldn’t really blame her.
He often wished he’d never had her in the first place because it was easier to live without something you’ve never had, because you didn’t know what you were missing, but once you’ve had something it was difficult giving it up.
Growl had grown used to Cara’s presence. He’d always taken himself for a loner. Had thought he didn’t want other people around him. He’d enjoyed being alone, with only his dogs for presence. His life had been his alone. It had been uneventful and driven by habits but it had been safe. Now that he’d experienced living with someone, living with Cara, he had a hard time imagining being alone again.
He would get by. He always had. He’d work twice as much and hard, would put all his energy into making Luca trust and value him. He’d make a name for himself here in New York and eventually he’d forget about Cara and return to the life he’d had before.
And then Cara turned the corner, and he realized he was fooling himself if he believed he could ever forget her.
Cara
I froze when I spotted Growl in front of my room. Bandit and Coco lay curled up at his feet as if they’d all been waiting a while.
I approached him slowly, trying to get a grip on my emotions. Coco wagged her tail when I stopped in front of Growl.
Growl pushed his hands into his pockets but his body was tense as a bow. “There’s no reason for you to stay with me. You are free now. Even if I could force you to stay with me, I won’t. You are free to choose your own life.”
The words I’d been longing to hear from the moment Falcone had given me to Growl suddenly stung. “So what is it you’re saying? That you’d prefer if I left you?” Though leaving him required that we’d been a couple in the first place.
“That’s the last thing I want,” he said fiercely. He pulled his hands out, restless, almost as if he wanted to grab me and shake some sense into me but he didn’t touch me.
“Then what do you want?” I shot back, growing frustrated. Maybe I should have just accepted Growl’s words and left.
Mother would have preferred that, and it would have been the right choice morally, if I were being honest with myself.
Growl had monstrous parts, and that wouldn’t change. Years of abuse had burned those into him, and if I chose to stay with him, I’d have to live with that fact. Perhaps in New York, Luca would find better ways to channel Growl’s talents into less horrendous tasks, but I wasn’t fooling myself into believing that killing wouldn’t still be a big part of Growl’s life. That was something I’d have to accept. To stay with someone only because one hoped to change that person was an endeavor that had to fail.
Growl’s eyes flickered with emotions, too many, and more than I’d ever seen in them. “I want,” he began, then stopped and growled. He shook his head and turned his head away so I was left to stare at his profile.
“You once told me I needed to be brave. Who’s not brave now?” I challenged.
Growl whirled on me, grabbed me by the shoulders and pressed me against the wall. “I want you. I want you to stay with me because you want to stay. I want you to want me.”
I exhaled. “I do.”
Growl released me. “Do what?”
“Want you. Want to stay with you.”
Growl stared. “I…I think.” He ran a hand down his face. “I’m no good with words. You know that.”
“But you could be. Perhaps you just need to try,” I said softly.
His eyes filled with resolve. “Not much scares me anymore,” he rumbled. “But this, between us, it does. My emotions they do scare me.”
“But why?”
“I gave up hoping for something good a long time ago. It made things easier. Nothing could hurt me. Pain is nothing. People’s insults mean nothing. I cared about nothing. There was nothing I had to fear. But when I got you, I suddenly realized what kind of life I’d led. How little everything had meant. And while I was fighting Falcone’s men, I realized how much I enjoyed being with you, having someone to talk to, sharing meals with you, walking Coco and Bandit with you, and even sharing a bed with you. I never thought I could like that kind of thing, never thought that I might need something like that, but now…” He trailed off, the uncertainty back. “Now I’m fucking scared to lose all that, to lose you. I never knew I needed you but now I can’t imagine being without you. I…I love you, Cara.”
I let out a shuddering breath. I’d never expected those words from Growl. Not even close. I touched his heart and cheek. “And I love you, Growl.”
Aria had been right. I needed to make a choice. And I chose love. Mother would come to accept that. After all, she’d once given up everything to follow love.
“Ryan,” he growled. The name sounded wrong coming from his lips, like they weren’t used to forming those letters anymore.
“Ryan?”
“That’s my real name.”
“Oh,” I whispered, overwhelmed by the situation. “That’s a beautiful name.”
He smiled tentatively. It still surprised me how it changed his edgy face. He leaned down and kissed me, then pulled back a few inches.
“I want New York to be a new beginning for me and you, if you want that too. And I want to be known as Ryan in this new life.”
“And I want a new beginning with you, Ryan,” I said. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly.
“I don’t deserve you,” he murmured against my hair. “Yet. But I will.”
