Blinking gritty eyes open, I wake to weak morning light, cocooned in a spicy ginger warmth that I snuggle into. Catching movement across from me in the corner of my eye, I’m captivated by honey amber eyes. Kai smiles softly at me from his bed, looking far more awake than how I feel. Yet still, he has bags under his slightly bloodshot eyes and exhaustion coats him like a fog, as if he hasn’t slept well in months, years.
I frown as it suddenly occurs to me that we’ve never slept in the same bed. I’ve never woken up with Kai wrapped around me, and that bothers me. Is it due to an accident, the others getting in bed with me first? Or has he purposefully pushed me away in that regard?
“Why the frown, darling?” His melodic voice, a little gruff this morning, breaks into my tumultuous thoughts. “Worried about today?” he enquires gently, and my frown deepens, my breath stuttering out of me at the thought of what’s to come this morning.
“Yes,” I reply in a whisper, my empty stomach rolling. I decide not to press the issue of our lack of bedsharing just yet. I’ll wait until he’s ready to talk.
He gives me an understanding nod, his head moving on the soft fluffy pillow he’s resting it on.
“You’re not alone, Lilly,” he soothes. “We will be there every step of the way.”
I swallow hard, my eyes filling as the arm holding me from behind tightens, pulling me closer to the hot naked body at my back.
“And if it gets too much, just say the word and we’re outta there,” Ash murmurs in my ear, nuzzling into my hair and sending welcome shivers skipping over my body. “But you need to do this, Princess. Trust me, you need closure.”
“I know,” I mumble back, gripping his arm tightly as I continue to gaze into Kai’s eyes, my breath shuddering out between my lips.
At that moment, the door flies open, and Loki strolls in, completely naked—obviously. His emerald eyes find mine, and in the next minute, he leaps onto the bed in front of me, somehow managing to lie down underneath the covers as I’m bounced back into Ash, who gives an oomph sound at the impact.
“Loki!” I cry, a giggle escaping my mouth as he wriggles closer, successfully dispelling the sadness that was building in the room. He smells like vanilla and musky man, a scent that I am addicted to, his hair all mussed from quite clearly having just woken up.
“Dude, what the fuck?” Ash grumbles behind me, shuffling back to make room for the fallen angel that’s landed in our bed, which luckily is a double, although it’s still a squeeze with these two lumps in it.
“Jax is not a good snuggle bunny,” Loki pouts, and it’s so adorable, sexy, and ridiculous that I lean forward and plant a kiss on his lush lips. “And his morning wood should be classed as a fucking weapon of mass destruction.”
We all snort at that, which turns into full belly chuckles when Jax walks in, proudly sporting said weapon of mass destruction.
“What’s so fucking funny?” he asks, his deep voice gruff from sleep as he settles at the end of the bed. “It’s like the ass crack of dawn.”
I fucking lose it, laughing so hard that my stomach aches, and tears stream down my face.
“I fucking love you all, so much,” I choke out, looking around me to see matching grins on all their faces, their expressions soft.
We decide that as we’re all awake, arse crack of dawn or not, we might as well get up and get ready. Ordering breakfast, we lounge around in the living room until it arrives. I surprise myself by eating a healthy serving of bacon—crispy because anything else is just plain wrong and sacrilegious—toast and poached eggs, all washed down with my favourite tropical juice.
We leisurely eat, talking about everything and nothing. Then Loki and Jax join me for a shower, which helps to kill some time as they coax orgasm after orgasm from my poor abused pussy. I lie, Her Vagisty fucking loves it! We take our time getting dressed, using up more time until we’re ready to leave.
We’re due to meet Lex and Ryan at Highgate Cemetery at ten, so we order a car for twenty-past nine to leave plenty of time to get there. Once we’re seated in the car, I look around at my guys, my soulmates. We’re fairly colourful, Mum hated black so I decided that we’d be as brightly coloured as possible. The guys, all apart from Loki, struggled a little as they mostly wear dark colours.
Kai found some mustard yellow chinos, which he paired with a red check flannel shirt, a forest green cashmere v-neck jumper, and a matching green bow tie. He epitomises geek chic by topping it off with a green tweed coat and red cashmere scarf. Jax chose dark grey jeans and a sky blue t-shirt that makes his eyes pop, with a darker blue hoodie and a sports-type wool jacket. Ash has gone for a suit, of course, but in a navy pinstripe instead of black. He paired it with a vibrant Liberty print shirt, no tie, and a navy wool long coat. He looks like every woman’s wet dream, sophisticated yet devilish with his black tattoos peeking out at his neck.
Loki, wonderful, marvellous Loki, somehow without my knowledge, bought himself a pair of black rainbow dinosaur Run & Fly dungarees. He wears them with an emerald green t-shirt, just to prove that his eyes are as good as Jax’s, red Converse Chucks, and what looks like a vintage brown sheepskin bomber jacket, complete with tan fluffy wool at the wrists and collar.
I went for my Run and Fly rainbow pinafore, sparkly glitter rainbow heels, and a red wool short coat, with a beautiful peter pan collar and ruffles at the wrists. It arrived at the suite this morning, along with a note:
Saw this and thought of you,
Wear it today, Little Red.
Ash
XXX
I stroke the beautiful soft wool as we make our way through the early morning London traffic, having been driving for about twenty minutes already. I notice my hand shaking moments before Loki’s larger warm hand covers mine, intertwining our fingers. His other hand moves my hair over my shoulder, popping an air bud into my ear. The opening of Steady Now by Nilu begins to play, the words and gentle swell of the music perfect for calming my nerves.
My hand grips his as we journey on, the lyrics of the song flowing over me, encouraging me to take deep breaths, and know that this is just one moment in my history. It doesn’t define me, and it won’t be like this forever. The world keeps spinning, new things on the horizon.
The song ends, and I breathe a contented sigh. Too Sad to Cry, by Sasha Alex Solan starts to play next, and tears spring to my eyes.
“Shit,” Loki hisses under his breath, reaching into his pocket to change the song.
“Leave it, please,” I murmur, turning to look at him, his face wavering as the tears spill down my cheeks.
“Pretty Girl,” he replies, voice pained, his palm coming up to cup my cheek and bring our foreheads together. “I hurt when you do, baby.”
His words make the tears flow faster, and it’s a bittersweet relief. I didn’t cry for a long time after Mum passed, too terrified to even think about what had happened. Then, that night, when Ash made me recount it all in detail, it was like a dam had been broken inside me as I was able to start my mourning of her.
Now I’m glad to cry, even though it hurts, because it shows that I’m not too scared. We travel the rest of the way like that, Loki holding my face to his, and gently kissing away the steady stream of tears that fall down my cheeks. Jax rubs my back in soothing circles, Ash and Kai leaning forward to take a hand each, surrounding me in their love and support as I quietly cry.
“Hey,” Jax says from my other side, his hand stilling in its movements. “We’re there, Baby Girl.” His voice sounds gruff, and I look over my shoulder, Loki releasing my face, to see his own eyes glistening. “We all hurt when you do,” he tells me simply, and I turn, letting go of the others’ hands to cup his face in my palms and place a gentle kiss on his lips.
Ash and Kai get out first, then Loki, leaving just Jax and I in the car. My heart rate picks up as the moment draws closer, the moment when I will have to face what happened.
“I’m scared, Jax,” I whisper, pulling back and looking at him with wide eyes, my hands moving to grasp his own.
“I know, Baby Girl,” he responds, a frown drawing his brows together. “But we’re all here for you, and we’re not going anywhere. Nothing bad will happen to you,” he assures me.
His words calm me a little, enough that I can take a deep inhale and nod. He flashes me a minute smile. “That’s my girl,” he praises, keeping hold of my hand as he gets out, then helping me to exit the car.
I see Lexi and Ryan, holding a bunch of flowers each, waiting near the ornate black cast iron gates to the beautiful cemetery.
“Hey, Lilly Bear,” Lex greets me softly, and I let go of Jax to give her a hug, then do the same with Ryan. His jaw is clenched tightly, and deep lines are etched on his forehead.
“You doing okay, big guy?” I ask him, my own brows dipping in concern for him. Mum’s death wasn’t just hard on me. Ryan was practically her husband in all but name. They loved each other deeply.
He gives me a tight smile in response. “I’ll be fine, little one,” he reassures me, giving my hand a brief squeeze.
“Shall we?” Ash asks, and I notice that each of the guys holds a huge bouquet filled with different coloured lilies, Mum’s favourites. A lump forms in my throat as I step towards Ash’s outstretched hand.
“How did you know they were her favourites?” I ask, my voice a little wobbly.
He gives me one of his Ash-hole looks, raising an eyebrow. Right, I am named after her favourite flower after all. He kisses the top of my head, then leads the way through the gates and along the winding paths of the cemetery.
We’re surrounded on all sides by gravestones, monuments, and beautiful statues, with bare trees dotted here and there. We’ve lucked out on the weather again today; it’s chilly but sunny. Turning off down a more narrow path, we come to a stop underneath an oak sapling with a simply carved headstone in front of it.
Laura Darling
Beloved mother and sister
18th September 1980 – 21st January 2025
The ground surrounding the grave looks freshly cleared, only a few dead leaves litter the space, with nothing but neatly clipped turf covering the site. Glancing around, frowning, I see that the surrounding graves are not as well kept as Mum’s.
“We came here yesterday to tidy it up a little.” Ash’s ginger scent washes over me as he leans down to speak. “Apparently, wild violets grow here in the spring,” he tells me.
I squeeze his hand in silent thanks, letting go when he passes me his bunch of flowers. They’re simply tied with natural string, no cellophane, and I step forward to place them on the grass, a tremor in my hands.
“Hi, Mum,” I whisper, tears springing to my eyes again as they trace the simple lettering carved into her headstone.
And then it hits me. I’ll never be able to tell her about the guys, about how wonderful they are, and the fact that they’re helping me to heal. She’ll never meet any children I may have one day, never hold her grandchildren in her arms and sing them lullabies like she did to me as a child. We’ll never dance to awful eighties pop songs on the radio, never make another Christmas cake together. I’ll never be able to tell her how sorry I am about that stupid argument. Never tell her how much I love her.
I don’t realise that I’ve collapsed, my nails digging into the turf, sobbing as my heart breaks for all the things I’ll never get to do with her again until strong arms wrap around me, lifting me and turning me round so that I can bury my face into a ginger scented cashmere covered chest.
I fist the soft material, tears tracking down my cheeks and soaking into his no doubt stupidly expensive coat. He just holds me, his arms banded tightly around me, keeping my pieces together whilst I fall apart under the winter sun.
Some moments later, I lift my tearstained face towards the sky, closing my eyes and letting the sun dry my cheeks. Taking what feels like the biggest breath I’ve taken all year, I look back down and find Ash’s steel eyes on my own.
“Thank you,” I whisper, my voice cracking slightly.
“Of course,” he says back.
Looking to the side, I’m met by Jax’s piercing blue gaze. I give him a watery smile.
“Thank you, Jax,” I tell him, wetting my dry lips.
“Always, Baby Girl,” he replies gruffly.
I turn to the other side to find Loki studying me.
“Thank you, Loki.”
“No need, my heart,” he says, reaching out to stroke my slightly damp cheeks. “I’d do so much more without even a thought,” he adds, fresh moisture stinging my eyes at his heartfelt words.
I turn my head to find Kai’s honey amber eyes watching me with such love it steals my breath for a moment.
“I told you, darling,” he says, stepping closer to my back until I can’t see him as he’s right behind me, his scent of fresh woods after the rain mixing with Ash’s. “Everything I am, or ever will be, is yours,” he whispers in my ear, placing a soft kiss on my neck that sends tingles racing over me, despite my sadness.
I stay surrounded by my guys, my warriors, my Knights, for several minutes, breathing them in under the winter sun, the sounds of birds chirping in the background.
Inhaling deeply, they give me the strength to look round, remembering that Lex and Ryan are here too. I find Lexi’s green eyes, not far from where I stand, swimming with tears as she looks at me surrounded by my guys.
“Your mum would have been so happy to see you with them, Lilly Bear,” she tells me in a choked voice.
Fresh tears well in my own eyes at that. Kai steps back and to one side, and I turn in Ash’s arms so that I’m facing Lex and Ryan.
“For what it’s worth,” Ryan begins, stepping closer to us, glancing at each of the guys in turn. “You have my approval and blessing. They are good guys, little one.” He gives the guys a sharp nod, which they return. Men.
Kai takes a step forward, looking at me as he takes a piece of paper out of his pocket.
“I have a poem that I’d like to read, if that’s okay with you, Lilly?” he asks, and I give him a wobbly smile.
“I’d love that,” I say, my heart swelling.
He turns to face the grave, but still so that I can see him in profile and begins to read.
“‘Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.’”
He turns to look at me once again, his features soft as he takes in my tearstained face.
“It’s called A Thousand Winds, by Mary Elizabeth Frye,” he tells me.
“It’s beautiful and perfect,” I whisper, reaching out to take his hand, bringing it up to my lips and placing a kiss on his knuckles.
Looking back up, I glance round at the people who I love, and who love me in return without condition. It feels as though my heart swells to twice its size, threatening to burst from my chest as I drink them in, the winter sunshine wrapping its chill around us but unable to touch us.
Stepping forward, I walk to Mum’s grave, kneeling down to place my hand on the headstone.
“I’m going to be alright, Mum,” I tell her, my eyes welling up once more. “They’ll look after me.”
Closing my eyes, I stay there for a few moments, hearing the breeze rustling in the trees, the birds chirping around us, the sunshine warming my face as the world keeps spinning.
Standing up, I take one last breath, gazing down at the stone.
“Bye, Mum,” I whisper, then turn around to face the others, focusing on my guys. “Let’s go home.”
They all break out into blinding smiles, obviously realising that I don’t mean the hotel, but back to Colorado. Back to Highgate Prep.
Although, they do say that home is where the heart is. And my heart is standing before me, kept safe in the bodies of four beautiful men.
