Once I’ve gotten over the fact the Loki just called his arsehole Gary—fucking snort—I get dressed in some navy lacy French knickers, soft colourful harem pants, and a dark red vest top sans bra. Luckily for me, Tom brought in my hand luggage whilst we were otherwise—ahem—occupied, and I’d packed some comfy flight clothes knowing that we’ll be in the air for over eighteen hours.
I walk out of the bedroom to find Ash lounging on one of the curved sofa type seats, a drink, whisky on the rocks by the look of it, in his hand.
“Better, Princess?” he asks with an indulgent smile, and I sit right next to him, snuggling under his arm, and feeling all kinds of languid from my many orgasms.
“So much better,” I tell him, sighing and wrapping my arm around his chest. He has also changed into something more casual; soft grey linen trousers, a white linen shirt, sleeves rolled to the elbow, and black flip-flops that showcase his beautiful inked feet. “I missed you, Vanderbilt.”
He pulls me in closer, his arm around my shoulders, and I take in a deep inhale of that spicy scent that is all Ash.
“I missed you too, Princess,” he whispers, placing a gentle kiss on the top of my head.
“You didn’t…” I start, trying to tread carefully with what I’m about to say. “That is, I didn’t get any texts from you?”
I feel him stiffen ever so slightly underneath me, but as I make a move to sit up so that I can look into his eyes, he holds me tighter to him.
“Rubber duck was not needed,” he tells me in a low voice, and I exhale a long breath at his words, grateful that he didn’t feel the need to cut himself whilst back at home.
Just then, what I assume is Alisha, walks over in stiletto heels and a navy flight attendant uniform. She’s an attractive blond with a perfect hourglass figure, sparkling blue eyes, and plush lips. Someone who looked like her would have intimidated me previously, leaving me feeling inadequate. But not so much anymore. She’s carrying a tray of drinks, ice clinking in the glasses, looking at us with a broad smile and not spilling a single drop.
“Here you are, Mr. Vanderbilt,” she says, setting the drinks aside on a low table in front of us, and giving me a quick glance.
“Thank you, Alisha,” Ash replies. “May I introduce Lilly Darling,” he says, not moving his arm, clearly staking his claim.
“Pleased to meet you, Ms. Darling,” she says, her American accent husky as she gives me a quick smile, a slight blush stealing over her cheeks.
“You too, Alisha,” I respond, feeling my own face heat with embarrassment.
“Will that be everything, sir?” she asks, turning to face Ash, being the consummate professional that she is, and not acknowledging the DP that went on earlier, which she clearly heard.
“Just dinner in about an hour, please,” Ash replies in a business-like tone, and I get a flash of the man he is becoming, a leader of a multibillion dollar corporation.
“Of course,” she says and walks away.
I groan, slapping my palm to my forehead once she closes the door to presumably the cockpit. Ash just chuckles, the muff tickler.
We hear Loki and Kai laughing as they walk in, Loki’s gaze zeroing in on me snuggled next to Ash, and then the drinks.
“Perfect. Fucking always makes me thirsty,” he claims, reaching over and grabbing his bourbon whilst passing me a fruity looking cocktail. Yum!
Kai grabs his wine glass, which is filled with clear liquid.
“What’s that you’re drinking, Kai?” I ask, curious.
“It’s Yaegaki Mu, a junmai daiginjo sake,” he tells me as he takes a seat opposite us, next to Loki. He takes a small sip, savouring the flavour and heaving a contented sigh as he swallows.
“I thought sake was served warm?” I enquire, taking a sip of my own drink, the tart raspberry bursting on my tongue as I watch him swirl the liquid round in the glass.
“This is a premium quality sake, and it’s best to serve it chilled like a white wine. Regular sake is served warm to uncover the flavours in less complex brews.”
Learn something new every day!
“So, are there any pharmacies where we land?” Loki interrupts, and I choke a little on a sip of my raspberry cocktail. Fuck, I’d forgotten all about that, what with the picture of Mum, and the sex.
“Why?” Ash questions, his voice containing a hint of warning that makes me sit up a little.
Loki’s face flushes, one of his hands rubbing the back of his neck.
“I need to get Lilly the morning after pill,” he admits, almost cringing.
Before I can even blink, Ash is launching himself across the small table, and I hear the thud of a fist hitting flesh followed by a groan of pain.
“Ash! What the fuck!” I shout, leaping up, setting my drink on a side table to rush over to Loki, who looks like he didn’t even defend himself.
As I reach him, Loki makes another grunting sound as Kai’s fist connects with his ribs.
“Kai!” I scold, seeing Kai pull his fist back and pick up his glass, taking a large sip. His face is set in a scowl, glaring at Loki.
“When did this happen? Why the fuck didn’t you wrap up?” Ash practically roars in Loki’s face, his chest heaving and his hands clenched into fists at his sides. Loki just sits there, looking ashamed, his lip starting to swell and bleed. I sit down next to him, turning to glare at Ash.
“Hey, it’s not just his fault. It takes two to tango, cunt whiskers,” I snark at Ash, and his lips twitch slightly at the insult, although he’s clearly still pissed as all hell, his cheeks flushed and his nostrils flaring.
“It was Christmas morning and I fucked up. I’m sorry, okay?” Loki tells them, his hand running through his hair and not looking at me.
“Hey, it’ll be fine, Loki. We’ll grab a pill, and it’ll all be gravy,” I try to assure him, placing my palm gently on his cheek, and turning his head to face me. I wince at his split lip, grabbing one of the napkins that Alisha left to dab at the blood trickling from it.
“Well, by the time we get to Bali, that’ll be over forty-eight hours. The morning after pill becomes less effective the longer you wait, going down to around fifty-eight percent chance of success,” he tells us, his fingers dancing over the screen of his phone.
Ash growls and looks like he’s about to hit Loki again.
“Fucking cool it, Vanderbilt,” I tell him firmly, narrowing my eyes. “It’ll be fine. Chances are I’m not in that part of my cycle anyway.”
“Where are you in your cycle, Lilly?” Kai asks with no hesitation, looking up at me.
“Fuck’s sake, Kai! I don’t know.” I can feel the blush returning to my cheeks, which is ridiculous given that he was in my arsehole less than an hour ago. Fucking stupid patriarchial society making women feel embarrassed about periods. “It can be a bit random, and I don’t really check, so…” I trail off.
“Well, I’ve got someone meeting us when we land with the pill, so let’s hope it works,” he says gently, then turns to glare at Loki.
Desperate for a subject change before it turns violent again, I blurt the first thing that comes into my head. “So, there was a photo of my mum, with all of yours in Loki’s dad’s office.”
Really?! That’s what you choose to go with? FML.
“What?” Ash yells, grabbing my hand and pulling me away from Loki, dragging me back to the sofa opposite like some cave dwelling Neanderthal. Or, like Loki can’t be trusted not to try and impregnate me. Sigh.
“Yeah, Lilly’s mom was standing with all of ours, at some Black Knight Gala or some shit,” Loki tells him, taking a sip from his glass which he somehow managed to keep from spilling when Ash punched him.
He pulls his phone from his pocket, scrolling a bit, and then leans over to hand it to Ash. On the screen is the picture. Mum’s dressed up in a midnight blue beaded evening dress, holding a champagne flute and smiling for the camera, surrounded by four other women, all in similar states like that of my mum.
My gaze flits back to my mum, who looks so young but no less beautiful than when I knew her. As I stare at the photograph, I can’t help feeling that although she looks happy and is smiling, there was something that was not quite right. Maybe it was because of the tightness around her eyes, and the death grip she has on the glass in her hand.
“Did she ever mention Highgate, Princess?” Ash asks me, handing the phone back to Loki, then pulling me in close again and tucking me under his arm.
“No,” I reply, frowning. “But she didn’t tell me about my uncle either, so…” I trail off, still feeling hurt at the things that she withheld from me, a painful tightness in my throat.
“Your uncle came to Highgate, didn’t he, Lilly?” Kai inquires, rubbing his chin as he looks at me.
“Yes, he did.”
“So, maybe she was just visiting him?” Loki suggests, taking another sip of his drink and wincing when it hits his split lip. “He was in our parent’s class, wasn’t he?”
“I think so, although I don’t think he’s ever mentioned them, or anything really,” I tell them, pursing my lips in thought.
“Well, it’s probably that then,” Ash says, not sounding convinced at all, and when I look up at him, his own brows are dipped, and he’s sharing a look with the others.
“What?” I question, sitting up so that I can see him fully, his arm dropping from around my shoulders. “You think that it doesn’t quite add up?”
“I just don’t trust my dad, or any of the board, as far as I could throw them,” Ash tells me, reaching out to brush some hair out of my face. “And your safety and well-being are my top priority. Our top priority.”
He leans in and places a gentle kiss on my lips, leaving me feeling all fuzzy and tingling whilst helping to lessen the unease that I was starting to feel. It doesn’t disappear completely, though, and I can’t help wondering what else my mother has kept from me.
The rest of the journey is pretty uneventful. We have some dinner; steak cooked medium rare, small buttered potatoes, and a colourful salad. Don’t ask me how we got this on a plane, apparently, it’s what you get for being rich bastards.
After dinner, I take a long nap with Ash once he’s made me explode several times on his tongue and fingers. I fall asleep, exhausted before I can return the favour.
We land some hours later, although because of the time difference, it’s only eight in the evening, which is all kinds of mindfuckery. Feeling slightly discombobulated, we exit the jet to find a car waiting for us on the tarmac. It’s another black limousine with a smartly dressed Balinese guy, who looks about our age, waiting by the open door.
“Good evening, sirs, miss. Welcome back,” he greets us, his speech slightly accented as he puts his hands in a prayer position and gives us a shallow bow, then straightens up. All the guys follow suit, bowing, so I do the same. “Your package is in the back, Master Matthews.”
“Thank you, Nengah,” Kai responds with a smile, indicating with a hand that I get in first.
I smile at Nengah, then climb in the back. The boys follow me in, and soon we’re on our way. Kai hands me a paper bag, and I open it to find a box. Opening that, I find a single white tablet inside. The morning after pill. My heart does a little flip, which is stupid because there is nothing to worry about either way. He hands me a bottle of water.
“Thanks.” I smile tightly at him, aware of three pairs of eyes on me as I pop the pill on my tongue and take a mouthful of water, swallowing it down. “So, when do we see Jax?” I ask them, wanting to move on from that shitstorm.
“We’re headed to the port now, and from there we’ll take the yacht to Cempedak Island, which should take just over an hour,” Ash informs me, looking down at his phone briefly. Of course they have a fucking yacht.
The car journey feels like it whizzes by, and takes an age at the same time. I’m so excited to see Jax, to have all my boys together with me again. It feels so wrong to be apart from any of them. Anxious butterflies flutter around my stomach. I’m worried about how we’ll find him. What state he’ll be in, and how he’s coping with his withdrawal. I know there will be side effects from the withdrawal, that he may be suffering from all sorts of things, but I’m desperate to see that he’s okay. That’s he’s still my He-Man.
By the time we reach the port, I’m practically vibrating, much to the irritation of Ash.
“Bouncing in your seat won’t get you there any faster, Princess,” he comments, looking at me with slightly narrowed eyes, his tone surly and sounding a tad jealous as he waits for Nengah to open the door.
“Don’t be a dick just because you’ve got blue balls, Ash,” Loki teases, earning a whack in the chest from the Ice Knight himself.
“I can sort those out for you on the boat, if you like?” I offer, my voice dropping huskily without conscious thought, and his frown lessens slightly. That is, until Loki opens his mouth again as we exit the car.
“That’s the rub of it. No sexual intercourse for the man, for six to eight weeks, right Lucifer?” Loki tells us like the shit stirrer he is, a wide grin on his face. That earns him a punch to his gut this time.
“What? Why?” I ask, looking at Ash and frowning. He raises his brows, and then it dawns on me. “The dare!” I hiss, my eyes widening as we walk towards the docked boat, which is fucking huge.
“A Vanderbilt never reneges on a dare or bet,” he tells me casually, not making eye contact, and acting like he’s not talking about a dick piercing as we board the yacht. Nengah and some other guys bring our luggage behind us.
I’m momentarily distracted from that revelation by the sheer beauty of the craft we’ve just stepped onto. It’s all sleek lines and polished light wood and has several levels, or I guess decks. On the side, in scrolling script is the name The Princess Lilly and my heart stutters to see it. Did they name a boat after me? There’s soft lighting everywhere, and as I look around, I find all three boys looking at me intently.
“Do you like it, Pretty Girl?” Loki asks, his uncertainty completely adorable. He bites the edge of his lip and shuffles his feet on the wooden deck.
“Did you buy a fuck off massive boat and name it after me?” I ask, slightly aghast. Obviously, Her Vagisty preens at the show of adoration.
“We’ve had the yacht for a while, but decided to rename her after you,” Kai tells me in his lovely melodic voice, and I can feel myself turning into girl goop. I’ve missed the sound so much over the past couple of weeks.
“Thank you,” I tell them, deciding to embrace the romantic gesture for what it is, and not letting my ideas over the unfairness of wealth get in the way. “I mean it. This is one of the most romantic things anyone has ever done for me.”
I notice a smartly dressed older man, in a crisp white uniform, waiting on one side of the deck to greet us.
“Welcome aboard, Mr. Vanderbilt, Mr. Matthews, Mr. Thorn,” he says in cultured tones, with a wide smile. “Nice to have you back with us.”
“Thank you, Wayan,” Ash replies. “May I present Lilly Darling. Lilly, this is Captain Wayan.”
“Ah, the name change makes sense now. A pleasure, Miss,” Wayan says, inclining his head in my direction, his grin getting even broader. Then he turns back to Ash. “We’re just loading up, and then we’ll be ready to set sail. If you’ll excuse me, Ketut here will see that you are settled.” He indicates with a hand towards another smartly uniformed man, younger this time. Then Captain Wayan turns and walks off.
“This way please, sirs, miss,” he tells us, holding his arm out, and the boys seem to know where we’re going as they stride ahead into the interior.
I follow behind, gaping at the plush decor. We are led down some floating wooden stairs to a huge seating area with cream leather sofas and armchairs surrounding coffee tables. At the far end is a huge dining table next to semi-circular French doors that open onto another deck.
“Some drinks, please, Ketut,” Kai orders. “I’ll take my usual. Lilly?” he asks me, looking at me as I stand at the base of the stairs, trying and failing not to show how out of my depth I am.
“Um, just some iced tea, please, if you have any?” I ask, feeling overwhelmed.
“Of course, peach or lemon?” Ketut responds with a polite professional smile.
“Lemon, please.”
He takes the others’ orders, then leaves to get our drinks, and some snacks Loki asked for.
“Come sit, Pretty Girl,” Loki orders, grabbing my hand and dragging me over to the sofas. He sits down, then pulls me into his lap, the others joining us seconds later.
“So, can I see?” I ask Ash with a raised eyebrow as soon as we’re settled.
“He won’t even tell us what he got,” Kai tells me, a slight smile on his face.
“Good things come to good girls, Princess,” Ash says with a sexy as sin smirk on his face.
“I am a good girl,” I whine, pouting to see if that works. He just shakes his head.
“Well, keep being good, and I might show you.” I stick my tongue out at him, and he narrows his eyes. “Brat,” he says under his breath, although there’s a heat turning the silver molten, and a tilt to his lips that tells me he loves my brattish attitude.
Ketut comes over with our drinks and snacks; all kinds of yummy things from sweet potato fries, to golden crispy calamari, and nutty satay chicken. We spend the next few minutes talking and catching up with what we’ve all been up to in the two weeks that we’ve been apart.
Kai remains pretty quiet throughout our conversation, a pensive frown on his face as he stares into his wine glass, full of what I assume is sake. I get up from Loki’s lap, walk around the low table and reach out to Kai. As my fingers brush the side of his face, he flinches so hard that his drink sloshes down the side of the glass, dripping over his hand. Lightning quick, his hand shoots out, grabbing my wrist in a bruising grip that sets my heart racing.
His eyes are wild, and he looks into my panicked gaze, his own clearing as confusion crosses his features.
“Fuck, Lilly! Are you okay? You scared me,” Kai exclaims, abruptly letting my wrist go, and reaching over to grab a napkin whilst setting his glass onto the table. I can’t help rubbing at the bruised skin, and his eyes dart down, tightening in the corners when he sees what I’m doing. “I’m so sorry, darling.”
“What the fuck, Kai?!” Loki snarls, coming to stand next to me, taking my hand in his grip, and inspecting the joint. I wince when he moves it a certain way, and he growls.
“Kai, I’m so sorry,” I rush out, a little breathless from the adrenaline rush. “You looked sad, and I wanted to, I don’t know, give you a hug,” I tell him, still standing and shrugging my shoulders.
His own droop, and look of desolation flits across his eyes, making tears spring unbidden to my own, before he looks down to the napkin in his hands, his fingers slowly shredding it. Ordinarily, I’d go to him, but his reaction to my touch just then has left me reeling.
What the fuck happened in the past two weeks?
“Shit, I’m sorry if I scared you,” he says gruffly, dropping the shredded napkin and clawing through his hair.
I shake my head in disbelief.
“You have nothing to apologise for, Kai,” I say, trying to assure him, but he doesn’t bother to look at me. “Kai, you’re scaring me now. What happened?” I murmur, swallowing thickly.
Ash and Loki have gone quiet, Loki still grasping my arm and taking a step closer as if he doesn’t trust his friend, but I don’t pay him any attention. I’ve only eyes for the man who looks so broken before me.
He sighs again, and when he looks up at me, his eyes are a maelstrom of swirling emotion, it’s hard to pinpoint them all. There’s an aching sadness, anger, and his lip curls up a little as if in self-loathing.
“Nothing, darling,” he tells me after a deep breath. “I just hate going back home,” he spits the word as if it’s poison on his tongue.
I know that he’s not telling me the whole truth, that there’s more going on here. My heart pounds with the knowledge.
“I’ve got some work to do,” he tells us in a monotone voice, before getting up, and walking off into the depths of the yacht.
Something is terribly wrong.
KAI
Fuck!
The flash of pain in Lilly’s hazel eyes haunts and excites me in equal measure. That’s how I know I’m broken, beyond repair. The fact that inflicting pain on her gives me a semi, even when we’re not in a sexual situation, when she’s not enjoying it tells me all I need to know about how fucked up I truly am.
How can she ever love someone as terrible as me?
I stalk off, heart pounding and limbs shaking. I don’t see my surroundings as I try to outrun the demons that always rear their heads after I’ve been home for any length of time.
Home, what a fucking joke. It’s not been a home since the night my parents were placed into the ground when I was ten years old.
Sounds from the past try to push their way to the surface; the muffled cries of a child, the comforting touch that turned unwelcome.
I shake my head, my hands reaching up to cover my ears, as I begin to pick up my pace, coming to an abrupt halt at the railings surrounding the deck. Looking down, the churn of the dark water below soothes my erratic thoughts, hypnotizing me and calling to me like a siren song.
Briefly, I wonder what it would be like to let the waves take me into their watery embrace, thoughts of sinking to the depths swirling in my mind.
Would the sea be cold, or warm? Would it hurt? Or would it be a blessed relief from this torture, this crippling shame that I’ve lived with since that night?
I come to with a ragged gasping breath, my knuckles white on the top rail, and my upper body leaning precariously over the edge.
Taking another deep inhale, I can feel the salty spray hit my face and burn my lungs. I can’t let him win.
I’m not fucking stupid. I’ve done my research. I know that keeping this secret, even from my best friends, my brothers, isn’t healthy. But how can I tell them the darkest shame of my life? I know that the part of me that believes it was my fault, that I deserved it, that I must have wanted it, is full of shit. That I shouldn’t feel so worthless.
But knowing something in theory, and believing it are two very different things.
My head drops into my hands, suddenly feeling far too heavy to hold up.
I can feel myself unraveling at the edges, the darkness threatening to overtake for good.
And there’s not a damn thing I can do to stop it.
