On Saturday morning we turn on the news to see Clarissa being carted away in cuffs, shoved into the back of a police cruiser, cursing and screaming like a fishwife. I can’t help the evil smile that tugs my lips upwards at her public humiliation. Fucking twatwaffle deserved it. Loki gets a call an hour later asking him to go down to the station to make a statement. After a FaceTime briefing with Julian, who rages at the betrayal of the company when the guys tell him about the ‘payments,’ Loki heads into town with Kai, planning—and I quote—‘to bury her pedo ass.’
Classes ramp up a bit the following week, in preparation for more exams apparently, but I’m so used to the workload that I barely notice, spending most of my spare time studying. News of my pregnancy has spread, although everyone assumes that it’s Ash’s baby, and this is the reason for the rushed wedding.
Things have changed since Julian’s ‘punishments.’ There are definite whispers among the students, whereas before, people wouldn’t dare to speak about the Knights at all. They still keep their distance, respect and fear mixed on their faces, but there’s an air of sharks circling as we walk through the halls.
Surprisingly, Amber has kept her distance too, still sneering at every opportunity, but nothing more. She seems to have given up on Loki for the moment, and Julian hasn’t pushed the issue either, which makes my skin itch, suspicion crawling down my spine.
With the extra schoolwork, and generally feeling tired from being four and a half months pregnant, I almost miss that Jax has started spending most of his time in the gym again.
I catch him heading out one night after dinner, his bag slung over his shoulder.
“Can I join you, Jax?” I ask, halting his movements as he goes to walk out of the dorm.
“Sure, Baby Girl,” he rumbles. “I’ve got your new gloves so we can do some careful practice if you like?” I nod eagerly, and he waits by the door whilst I run upstairs to get changed.
I come down, wearing some maternity leggings, a sports bra, and a tank top. I’ve just invested in some maternity clothes, finding that even some of my dungarees are becoming a little snug.
We walk in the direction of the school gym, hand in hand, a comfortable silence surrounding us.
“How are you, Jax? How’s working out now, you know, since getting clean?” I ask softly, glancing at his profile as we walk. God, he is so handsome with his close cropped beard and blond hair, tied in that sexy man bun.
“I think I’m almost back to where I was,” he tells me, a smile on his lips. “I’ve been training hard, especially with the fight coming up…” His eyes go wide at the same time that mine does, and I pull us to a stop.
“Oh shit!” I exclaim. “Your fight! I’d completely forgotten.” A cute as all get out blush steals across his cheeks, and I can’t help but beam at him. “When is it?”
“May seventh.”
“Oh, that’s two weeks before….”
“Yep, it was the most Enzo could manage to get it postponed, otherwise I’d have to forfeit,” he informs me, tugging my hand so that we start walking again. We stay silent for a moment, his warm hand in mine as we walk outside, heading round the school to the new state-of-the-art gym and swimming pool building, which was built over Christmas. “I don’t suppose I could convince you not to come?” he asks after a beat, and I see him giving me the side-eye.
“To the fight? Not a fucking chance!” I laugh, seeing the rueful smile on his face.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” He sighs, gripping my hand tighter for a second. “Just, promise me you’ll stay with the guys. These fights…they’re not attended by good people, Baby Girl.”
“I promise I’ll be good,” I reply, mostly telling the truth, and he nods his head, releasing a breath.
“Now, come and let me show you how to kick my ass.”
I laugh, the sound surrounding us with its lightness.
“Please, we both know that I could have you pinned underneath me any time I choose,” I sass back, and the grin he gives me in return is positively feral.
“Is that so, Baby Girl?” he asks, and my heart rate picks up when a decidedly naughty smile lights up his face. “We’ll test that theory later. For now, we train.”
“Spoilsport,” I grumble, earning a deep chuckle as he leads me into the gym.
It’s pretty empty tonight, with only two other guys in there who are just finishing up as we walk in. Jax nods to them, leading me to the boxing ring in the centre.
“Now, we’re only gonna use the pads, Baby Girl. No contact just in case. And if you need to stop, just say so, okay?” I mumble out an ascent as he hands me my new gloves, the ones he bought me for Christmas with Baby Girl on the wrist straps.
Taking out his phone, he thumbs the screen, the gym filling with the opening lyrics of Him & I by G-Eazy and Halsey. My head bobs with the beat, my lips tugging up as the lyrics flow over me.
We spend the next forty minutes practising boxing moves until a sheen of sweat covers my body and I’m panting hard.
“I’m done,” I gasp out, taking my gloves off and gratefully taking the bottle of water that Jax hands me.
“You did good, Baby Girl,” he tells me, not even looking flushed as he stands there in a wifebeater and long shorts. Fucking cockwomble.
We leave the ring, and I sit down on the mats to do some stretching whilst Jax goes over to the punching bags. He doesn’t bother with gloves, or even wrapping his hands, as he starts to lay into them with unrestrained violence. My brows begin to dip, my heart pounding in time with his punches as he keeps hitting the bag, his breath hissing out with each strike. I wince when his knuckles split, the red of his blood dripping down his hands as he doesn’t even pause, each strike now sounding wet and making the bag swing violently.
Looking up, his chest heaves with exertion, his face a mask of pain and anger, nostrils flared, teeth bared. I get up, pain lancing my own chest as I walk towards him, knowing that this is no ordinary training session. He’s hurting badly.
“Jax, love?” I question softly, keeping back a little, giving him space. The thump of his hits keeps coming, and I frown at how raw his knuckles now look. “Jax! Stop! Please,” I beg, my voice choked as I step forward, my hand out.
He looks up at me, eyes wild, sweat dripping down his face.
“It hurts so good, Baby Girl,” he rasps out, voice broken sounding. “I need to hurt.”
“Oh, love.” A sob escapes my throat, and I take another step towards him, and another until I can place my hand on his quivering bicep.
“I failed them, baby. I failed them all.” And my heart breaks as he hangs his head, his shoulders rounding forward in a posture of defeat.
“Failed who, darling?” I ask, my chest tightening. I’ve been so tied up with everything that I didn’t notice how much he was hurting.
“Mom, Loki, Kai, Ash…you,” he replies, his head still hanging, his torso rising with his panted breaths.
“What? No, sweetheart, you’ve not failed us,” I try to assure him, but he just shakes his head at me, finally looking up, torment clear in his swirling blue eyes.
“I wasn’t there when my mom got beaten up, ending up in hospital. I couldn’t do a damn thing when that bastard Julian was hitting on you. I didn’t know that that cunt was praying on Loki until afterwards, and Kai…Fuck!” He twirls, punching the bag again so hard that blood splatters his chest. My heart breaks for him. Our protector. “How did I not know, Lilly? How did I not see that he was hurting so bad, for so long?” Anguish is clear in his voice, and he looks at me, begging for answers that I’m not sure I have.
“Oh, love. You were in a hell of your own then. You all were. It wasn’t your fault, none of it was your fault.”
At my words he drops to his knees, his head in his hands as his shoulders shake, great heaving sobs leaving his body. I don’t hesitate, dropping in front of him and wrapping my arms around his huge frame. His own arms band around me, and he buries his head in my chest, pulling me tightly against him. Tears stream down my cheeks as he cries in my arms, falling apart as I hold him.
When will the torment end? When will we be free of the horrors that we’ve experienced?
We clutch each other, his pain surrounding us like a dark cloud full of stinging insects. Gradually, the cloud lifts, Jax’s sobs subsiding until his breathing is somewhat back to normal. He lifts his head, gazing up at me with red rimmed eyes, dried tears on his cheeks matching my own.
“Baby Girl,” he croaks out, voice hoarse. “I’m so sorry…”
“Don’t you dare apologise for being vulnerable, Jax Griffiths,” I tell him sternly. “It’s what makes you human, and just makes me love you so much more.” He gives me a smile, letting go of my waist, sitting up on his knees, his hands coming up to cup my face in his bloodied palms. “I should be the one to apologise. I’ve been so tied up with everything, the pregnancy, the wedding, and the others. I haven’t given you the time you needed, Jax. I’m so sorry.” A sob escapes my lips this time, my vision blurring.
“Don’t you dare apologize, Lilly Darling,” Jax scolds, using my own words against me. “You’ve had so much happen in such a short time. And you’re the glue that sticks us together, the air that we all breathe. The others needed you more.”
“But you needed me too, and I didn’t notice.” It’s my turn to hang my head, only his grip stops me, forcing me to look at him.
“You are everything, Lilly Darling,” he whispers, pulling back, he admires me with swirling blue eyes, full of fierce love and adoration. “Never doubt that. And you noticed now.” I take a deep breath, accepting his words, and vowing to myself that I’ll keep a closer eye on my gentle giant.
“There was something that I wanted to ask you,” I say, nerves floating in my stomach as I look up at him. It’s so silly, given all that we’ve been through, but I can’t help being a little nervous at what I’m about to ask. But I know that it’s the right decision.
“Shoot,” he tells me, still looking at me like I hung the moon, his blue eyes soft, and a little less pain filled.
“So, I was chatting to Lisa the other day, and she, uh, said that she doesn’t have to be the one to deliver the baby. So I was wondering if you would?” I ask, stumbling over my words a little. He’s stock-still, blinking, his eyes full of blue fire. “Jax?”
“You want me to deliver your baby?” he asks softly, his voice holding a note of disbelief. I place my hands on his broad chest, feeling his hot skin through his sweat soaked tank top. His heart pounds hard, like he’s just run a marathon.
“I want you to deliver our baby. I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather have, Jax,” I tell him, my own voice sincere.
A small gasp leaves me as I see the blue of his eyes turn misted once more. His grip on my face tightens.
“These hands have brought so much death, Baby Girl,” he rasps out, and my own breathing becomes painful. “I would be honored to bring some life into the world for once. Thank you.”
A tear escapes my eye, falling down my tearstained cheek as I lean up, too full to say anything, presenting my lips to him. He kisses me tenderly, as if I am the most precious thing in the world to him. As if I am the light to his dark, the good to his bad. The angel to his monster.
I try to heal him a little with my kiss, tell him that it doesn’t matter what he’s done before, what he might do in order to survive. I love him, flaws, sins and all.
And the room fills with our love as we embrace, chasing away the dark shadows of the past, bathing us in its glow.
I just hope that it’s enough. Julian isn’t finished yet. My punishment still awaits, and I’ve the sinking feeling that whatever it will be, will test us to our limits.
