Pen
“So this is nice,” I say from my position on the floor, taking a huge bite out of my slice of pepperoni pizza. It’s been a long day of dancing and rehearsals, so being here with the guys in their own flat is just what I needed, especially after seeing the body snatched version of my mum this afternoon and finding out Xeno has been sending my sister care packages. I still haven’t brought it up with him yet, but now seems the perfect time. My mum’s new attitude might’ve floored me, but Xeno’s involvement does even more so. I’m not convinced she’s turned over a new leaf, but for my sister’s sake I have to hope she has.
“Nice?” Dax drops down on the floor beside me, placing three beers on the coffee table. He wraps his arm around my shoulder then leans over and gives me a kiss on the cheek.
“Yes, I’ve missed being with you like this. It feels so normal, natural. I’ve missed hanging out with you all.”
“We’ve missed you too, Kid. So fucking much,” Dax replies, his voice gruff with emotion and I know he isn’t just talking about this week.
I snuggle closer into his side, breathing in his scent as my fingers trail across his chest, rimming the V-neck of his t-shirt. He smells so fucking good, and the skin on his chest is smooth and hair free. I’m pretty sure he waxes. For all his rugged good looks and manliness, he’s quite the metrosexual man. I love that about him. Opposite, Xeno leans over and grabs a beer, chucking another crust into the empty pizza box. He swallows down a mouthful, peering at us both as he does so. He’s thoughtful this evening, quiet in a way that’s unsettling.
“Xeno, can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Lena told me something interesting today…” My voice trails off as I try to broach the subject.
“Is this because I paid your mum a visit?” he asks me, resting his beer back on the table.
“Yes, that and the fact you’ve been sending Lena care packages.”
“Ah, those.” He flicks his gaze to Dax. “You told her?”
“No, Lena did,” Dax replies.
“Why?” I ask him. “I mean, I’m grateful that you’ve been looking out for her, but why do that?”
He blows out a breath, his green eyes glinting with emotions I can’t decipher. “Because I wanted to do something right. I wanted to make sure she was okay.”
“But she started receiving stuff just before I auditioned for Stardom,” I point out, confused, and honestly a little hurt. The fact he sent her gifts and not me stings a little, not because I wanted those things, but because of the thought that went behind it.
“It was because…” Xeno swipes a hand through his hair, the curls bouncing back the second his hands pass over the strands.
“What, Xeno?” I press, trying to understand. Beside me Dax remains quiet, not giving Xeno an out by stepping in, despite how tense this conversation is getting.
“I saw Lena with her friends in the high street a few days after we came back to Hackney. She was mucking about, skipping school actually,” he explains, a tiny smile of amusement lifting up his lips.
“Bunking off school…!”
“Don’t be pissed. She’s just being a kid. We did a lot worse, remember?” Dax reminds me.
“You might be right, but she doesn’t know that. I want her to get an education,” I retort, feeling prickly about the subject because Dax is right, we were worse, a lot worse.
“I decided to stick around and check out what she was doing. I watched her go into a store with her mates then a few minutes later come out with a rucksack full of stuff she’d nicked.”
“What? She was shoplifting?! I’m going to murder her!” I exclaim.
“Yeah, they went into a café after and she divided up her haul between her mates. She didn’t notice me grabbing a coffee. Anyway, I figured I’d send her stuff so she wouldn’t need to go nicking.” He shrugs as though that’s enough of an explanation.
“But that doesn’t explain why. She’s not your responsibility, Xeno.”
“Lena’s a good kid. I didn’t want her getting into shit.”
“Xeno… Fess up,” Dax says, locking gazes with Xeno. “Come on, man. Tell her.”
He sighs. “At the time I convinced myself I did what I did because I wanted to keep Lena out of trouble, and that’s still true…”
“But?”
“But I did it because of you,” he admits eventually, staring at me. “Even when I’d convinced myself I didn’t love you, deep down I did. I understand that now. I sent Lena those care packages because I knew it would kill you to know your sister was stealing stuff. I wanted to look out for you and Lena.”
“And my mum…” I ask softly, untangling myself from Dax’s arms before shifting around the coffee table, so I can be close to Xeno. My knees press into the side of his thigh as I reach to cup his cheek and encourage him to look at me.
“…Needed to hear some home truths. More importantly, I needed to make amends for treating you so badly, for abandoning you, for believing that you wanted to hurt us when you walked away when really you were trying to protect us. You did what you did to protect Lena, to protect us. It’s my turn to do the same for you.”
“What did you say to her?”
“That’s not important. What’s important is that she’s sobering up. She’s getting counselling for her addiction and is having therapy.”
“How? She can’t afford that.”
“I’m paying for it.”
“You’re paying for it…?”
“Yes. I want her to sort out her shit. I want her to make an effort with you. I want her to make amends for how she’s treated you, Tiny. At the very least, she needs to be a good mum to Lena. Counselling and therapy will help her to do that.”
“I don’t… This is… I’m…” I stutter, unable to find the words to express how I feel. I appreciate his efforts, for caring about me enough to try and fix what’s broken between my mum and me, but it’s not as simple as that. I’m not sure we can be fixed. I don’t like my mum, let alone love her… I just. I don’t know. My eyes fill with tears and my insides swirl with emotions that I can’t unravel in the moment.
“I’ve done the wrong thing, haven’t I?” he frowns, swiping a thumb across my cheek to capture the tear that’s fallen.
“No, you’ve done something wonderful and I’m so glad Lena will benefit from this, I’m just not so sure I ever will. Too much has happened between me and my mum. I can’t forgive what she’s done. It hurts too much.”
“I’m sorry,” Xeno says gruffly.
“Don’t be. Don’t ever be sorry for doing something good out of love and affection. Don’t be afraid to express your love with me, however that looks,” I say, meaning every word, just like I did that night we made love for the first time. “But no more secrets. We can’t rebuild us if we’re still hiding stuff from each other.”
Xeno nods then pulls me into his arms and holds me close. “I’m so fucking glad you’re here. I’ve missed you so fucking much.”
“I know.”
Just as I’m relaxing into his hold, Xeno’s mobile beeps with a message. A frown creases his forehead when he reads it.
“Is something wrong?” I ask him.
“Zayn has been called into Rocks,” he replies, flicking his concerned gaze to Dax.
“What for?” Dax tenses.
“A member of Dante’s Crew was caught selling cocaine in SE1.”
“Dante’s Crew is still about? I didn’t realise,” I say, remembering that night at Rocks when we were kids. That was when Frederico propositioned me and talked about me like I was some kind of slut, causing Dax to beat the shit out of him. It was also the night that Dax and I kissed for the first time. The resulting fight in Abney Park Cemetery was the last time I saw Frederico and his crew.
“Yeah, they are. Frederico now runs an arms business,” Dax explains.
My mouth drops open. “An arms business?”
“Small fry, mostly knives, occasionally handguns. He’s not international, or even regional, but he’s getting cocky,” Dax informs me, scowling. There’s no love lost there, that’s for sure. “Moving in on the Skins’ territory is fucking stupid.”
“Agreed. Jeb won’t let that stand.”
“What’s going to happen?”
A look passes between the two and Xeno sighs. “Over the years our crews have crossed paths, but Frederico has always backed off when it came down to the wire. He’s usually too chicken shit to try anything like this.”
“Usually?”
“Yeah, looks like he’s getting too big for his boots. Jeb’s gonna be pissed.”
Xeno nods. “My best guess is that Frederico has someone backing him. This isn’t something he’d try on his own.”
“Why would someone back him?” I ask.
He shrugs. “We’re not the only ones who dislike Jeb. Besides, it kinda goes with the territory. This ain’t the first time another gang has tried to move in on the Skins’ patch, but this isn’t Frederico’s usual style. He’s too much of a pussy to make a move on his own. Which is exactly why I think someone else is behind it.”
“I see, so what happens to people who try and move in on the Skins’ patch?” I ask, having a pretty good idea what the answer is going to be but ask anyway.
“They’re taken out,” Xeno says, his expression void of any emotion.
“The Skins take them out…?”
Dax shakes his head. “No, we do it. We’re the Breakers, remember?”
“Fuck,” I whisper.
“Dante’s Crew is based in West London,” Xeno goes on to explain. “They’re small fry, and really no threat to the Skins. Selling knives to street kids really doesn’t affect Jeb’s business plan, but moving in on his patch with drugs… That’s an act of defiance that can’t be ignored.”
“Zayn’s going to have to fight, isn’t he?”
“Yeah, he is,” Xeno confirms, sighing.
“Frederico?”
“No, the poor fucker caught selling the drugs. Frederico will be running scared,” Xeno explains.
“And Jeb’s entertaining this? Isn’t he usually a shoot first and ask questions later kind of arsehole?”
Xeno glances back at his phone, another text message coming in. “Normally, yes, but Jeb’s going to make an example of this man whilst making money from the fight. He knows Zayn won’t lose.”
My mouth suddenly goes very dry, and I grab one of the beers, knocking back a mouthful.
“What if Zayn does lose? What then?”
“Losing isn’t an option. Zayn will win,” Dax says, watching me carefully.
“And what construes a win in a knife fight, Dax?”
“Whoever falls first from either too much blood loss or a lethal stab wound—”
“What?!”
“Like Dax said, Zayn will win.” The darkness in Xeno’s eyes glitters with everything he’s had to bear witness to over the years.
“Jesus,” I whisper.
“It’s what he has to do to survive, Kid. What we’ve all had to do to survive. It is what it is.”
I feel them both watching me as the weight of their words sink in. I know that they’ve hurt people, killed people in the name of the Skins. I’d rationalised the firefight at Tales as self-defense. They were protecting me. Besides, not being awake to witness any of it helps, but this is something different altogether. This is premeditated. This is two men fighting to the death, or at least until their opponent is so injured they can no longer fight back. My stomach churns and I suddenly lose my appetite.
“Can’t you stop this? Can’t you do something?” I ask, my voice betraying me.
“This is the world we live in, Kid.”
“… And the world we’re working on being free from,” Xeno adds firmly.
“Is there no other way?”
Dax shakes his head. “No. Zayn will fight. He’ll win, and we’ll be here for him when he does. That’s how we get through. That’s how we’ve always gotten through.”
Xeno’s phone rings then and he takes the call, striding off to the kitchen area for a little privacy.
“I hate this.”
Dax opens his arms to me, and I crawl into his lap, finding comfort in the sheer size of him as he envelops me in his hold. “If I could somehow protect you from this I would, but I can’t, Kid. I can’t. This is our reality right now.”
Xeno ends his call a minute later and grabs his coat. “I’ve asked York to come home. I’ll meet Zayn at Rocks. Jeb doesn’t give a fuck who tags along and I’d rather it was me. York should be here with you, Tiny. You’ll need him.”
Honestly, I don’t understand what he means by that. I need all of them, not just one or the other. Unwinding myself from Dax’s arms I get up and approach Xeno. He’s holding himself stiffly and I see how he’s shutting down, mentally preparing himself for what’s to come. “Are you okay?” I ask. It’s a stupid question because of course he isn’t. None of us are.
“I can go,” Dax cuts in, seeing how worried I am about Xeno.
“No. York’s on his way back here now. I want you both to stay with Tiny. I’ve got this.”
“Xeno, man. I can deal. You know that. It doesn’t always have to be you.” Dax gets up from the floor and claps his hand on Xeno’s shoulder.
“Your place is here with Tiny. I need you here with her.”
Dax sighs. “Xeno…”
“No!” he says firmly. “I’ve got this.” Pulling on his jacket, Xeno fires off another quick text. As the seconds pass his whole demeanor changes and the softer, more vulnerable Xeno I’ve seen glimpses of over the last week or so disappears before my eyes. “Don’t expect us back before dawn.”
“I’ll look after Kid until you return.” Dax squeezes Xeno’s shoulder before giving us both a moment as he tidies up the pizza boxes, carrying them into the kitchen.
“This is what you do, isn’t it?” I ask quietly when Dax is out of earshot. I rest my hands on Xeno’s chest, needing to feel the thump of his heart, needing to know that he’s still human and not this cold, distant person he’s turning into now.
“Do?” he asks, canting his head, his curls falling across his forehead.
I reach up and push them back. “Take everything on.”
“If I were doing that then I’d be killing that guy for Zayn. This time I can’t.”
“This time?” I whisper, my fingers brushing over the stubble of his chin.
“I kill so they don’t have to.” Xeno’s expression is blank, his eyes a void. It scares me, the numbness I see.
“Xeno…” My voice breaks and I swallow hard. I fucking hate this. I hate what they’ve had to do, what they’ve become. It’s a physical pain that tears me up inside.
“Don’t, Tiny. We chose this life, and we have to do this. I need you to be that girl who can face any damn thing and survive it. Just be here when we get home. Be here and be strong. He’s going to need you.”
Cupping my face in his hands, Xeno brushes his lips against my own. I can sense him pulling away and I curl my hands around his wrists, clinging on to him. “I’ll be here. I’ll be strong,” I promise him.
“I’m counting on it,” he replies, pressing the most heartfelt kiss against my lips. It’s a kiss that’s different to those we’ve shared before, and I suddenly feel the need to hold him in my arms and never let go. Of course, we can’t always get what we want.
“I have to go.”
“Be safe,” I whisper against his lips, releasing him. “Bring Zayn home in one piece.”
He nods, then leaves.
