cold lips brushed my skin, making me shiver, which was a difficult task since I was hot from dancing and being pressed against him for the last hour. I was still pressed against him, though now he had me draped across his lap. We’d just sat down in a private booth in the VIP lounge of some club in a beach town not far from Savage River.
“Cold?” he murmured beside my ear.
“Your lips are,” I replied.
He took my chin in his hand, tipping my head to the side to touch his lips to mine. It didn’t end in a touch. His tongue teased the seam of my lips, parting them to sweep inside. He licked the vodka and cranberry juice off my tongue, humming with satisfaction at the taste of me. His hands took my hips, pulling them back until my ass was on top of his growing erection. I pressed down on him, teasing him, while searching for friction too. Dancing with Amir turned me on. The way he moved, the way he held me, set my skin alight. I loved that he wasn’t afraid to really get into the music. He didn’t just grind on me. My man had real moves.
“Fuck. I have to stop kissing you before I come in my pants.”
The way he said it, he sounded genuinely tortured. His desire for me gave me a heady buzz of power along my skin. I never imagined being the reason a man would lose control, especially a man like Amir who held his reins so tight, they were practically embedded in his fists.
“Don’t do that.” I nibbled his chin. “Your cum is mine.”
He sucked in a harsh breath. “Jesus, Zadie. I’m already on the edge and you say shit like that? You want me to take you right here? I’m almost to the point I do not care who sees.”
I didn’t believe him. I mean, I did believe he wanted inside me, but not the other part. Amir would never be at the point he didn’t care who saw me.
It was just as well, because we weren’t alone anymore.
“Yooooo, what’s good?” Julien threw himself down on the opposite side of the booth, Marco following with Vanessa clinging to his shoulder like a barnacle. Unfortunately, she looked nothing like a barnacle in a white dress that was so skintight, I almost felt I was seeing her naked.
Jealousy swam in my stomach like an anaconda, so big and fast, I had to press a hand to my middle so I didn’t get sick. This was a woman Amir had slept with. A woman whose hip bones were visible, stomach didn’t roll when she sat down, a woman who—
Amir gripped my nape, crushed his lips to mine, and drowned me and my thoughts in a soul-destroying kiss. He only stopped when Julien cheered for us, yelling over the music, “Unh, unh, get it, get it.”
I hid my hot face on Amir’s shoulder while he talked to his boys like nothing had happened. Any time Vanessa tried to grab his attention, he flat out ignored her. I wished she wasn’t sitting with us, but at the same time, I was glad she was. Amir wasn’t being subtle about his disinterest in her, and though I didn’t love the idea of her feelings being hurt, I also wanted her to understand Amir wasn’t an option for her anymore.
Eventually, she got up to leave, hesitating for a moment like one of us would stop her, but not even Marco asked her to stay. I didn’t like her, but when she flicked her long hair behind her shoulders and swayed her hips, I couldn’t say I didn’t watch her perfect butt bounce as she made her exit.
Julien shook his head. “Dude, you have to get better taste.”
Marco gave a lazy shrug. “Easy pussy is easy pussy. At least I know she’s not gonna catch feelings since her heart already belongs to another.”
Amir held his hands up. “Not to me. She left that shit on my doorstep and I let it freeze. It’d be nice if she didn’t have a presence at the house anymore, but I’m not gonna tell you what to do.”
Marco shrugged again. “All right. It’s no skin off my back. Plenty of other bitches.”
I brought my head up to ask Julien what his type was when a man appeared at our table. He was dressed like most of the men here, in a button-down and fitted jeans, but he was strung out, jittery.
“Hey, man.” He addressed Amir, white-knuckling the end of the table. “Can I talk to you?”
“No. You need to walk away, César.”
He leaned over, and up close, I saw the sweat beading on his upper lip, the red rimming his nostrils, the broken blood vessels in the whites of his eyes. “It’ll just take a minute. I’ll buy your next round, okay?”
“No.” Amir shifted me from his lap onto the bench then pushed out of the booth, rising a head above the other man. “You don’t approach me. That isn’t how this works.”
The man backed up a step, wringing his hands. “I know, I know. I apologize. I’m just in a bad way, and I need—”
Amir’s hand came down so hard on the guy’s shoulder, he staggered. “Don’t say another fucking word. I said no. The disrespect you’re showing me by approaching me in public and speaking to me out of turn is so fucking audacious, I can barely believe it’s happening. You’re lucky I’m in a good mood, kid. Damn lucky.”
The guy bowed his head, but he didn’t move away. I couldn’t hear what he was saying, but his mouth was moving, moving, almost like he was chanting. His entire body was moving, bouncing knees, scratching arms, twitching shoulders. He definitely seemed to be in a bad way.
Amir closed in on him, bumping his chest, and only then did he stagger back. His mouth kept moving, and though I couldn’t hear his pleas as Amir herded him away from us, I knew from the expression of anguish in his eyes that was what they were.
Julien clucked his tongue. “Junkie trash.”
Marco’s nostrils flared. “Stupid fuck. Now Amir’s never going to sell to him. He should’ve gone to the corner if he needed a hit that bad.”
They bantered back and forth about the man, César. How his desperation stank. That he was about to lose his house because all his money went up his nose and into his veins. He’d already lost his kids. They were laughing at how low he’d fallen, that he’d let himself get there.
“Cognitive dissonance.” It tumbled out of my mouth, only a whisper, but Julien stared at me, leaning closer.
“What’d you say?”
I lifted my eyes to his. “I said cognitive dissonance. You’re making fun of César for being hooked on drugs, but you live with the man who sells them to him. He’s your best friend.” I touched my forehead. “I mean, I do it too, but I guess I didn’t find anything about what just happened funny.”
Julien reached across the table, laid his palm on my wrist. “You’re not wrong. I’m always gonna be on Amir’s side, but I get what you’re saying, Z.”
Marco scrubbed his mouth and exhaled, turning his head to the side. “Insensitive,” he muttered.
“I’m not trying to police you guys,” I rushed out. “I swear, I’m not. That was more about me realizing something. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
My stomach lurched with feelings that weren’t happy ones, and I didn’t know what to do with them. I couldn’t talk to Amir about how much I’d hated that scene. He’d told me in no uncertain terms his job wasn’t up for discussion. And that man…I didn’t know anything about him, he might have been a rapist or a serial killer, but the anguish in his eyes would stay with me for a while.
Marco turned back, his dark eyes blazing into mine. “You have to be a lot tougher than that, Zadie. That shit was nothing. Do you hear me? He keeps his business separate, but it bleeds. If a low-life junkie’s gonna make you sad, then you need to walk, because you’re going to be facing a lifetime of sad.”
My mouth fell open as Julien pulled his hand away from my arm to slap the hell out of Marco’s. I slumped back against the booth, willing myself not to cry. This wasn’t the time or place. I had to think, but I couldn’t do that here, with the giant, bickering men across from me, the bass rattling my bones, three drinks swimming through my blood.
Amir slipped back in the booth, straightening his sleeves, then wrapped his arm around me. His mouth touched my cheek, sliding up to my ear.
“I’m sorry, mama. You didn’t need to see that.”
I nodded, curling into him. “Can we go soon?”
He peered down at me. “What’s wrong? Did something happen while I was gone?”
“No, I just got tired all of a sudden. If you’re not ready, I can wait. It’s okay.”
Amir lifted his chin to Marco and Julien, who’d stopped bickering when he’d showed, and were now watching the two of us with warring expressions. Julien’s was soft, almost wistful. Marco’s lip was curled in the barest sneer, making him seem dubious, and I knew that was aimed squarely at me. He probably viewed my doubts as disloyal, and maybe he was right. I certainly didn’t like where my mind had gone tonight.
“We’re heading out,” he told them. “See you in the morning.”
Within minutes, we were out of the club and in his SUV. Amir kept one hand on me during the drive back to his house, like he was afraid I’d get lost. The thing was, I was already lost. I couldn’t forget that man’s anguish, and I hated it.
I was truly my father’s daughter, helpless in the face of suffering.
“What happened to him?” I asked.
Amir started at my sudden question, his hand flexing on mine. “I had security remove him. I hope he went home and slept it off, but knowing what I do, he’s probably looking to score somewhere else.” In my periphery, his head turned to study me for a second before he focused on the road again. “Were you scared?”
“No. I think I’d say surprised.”
He scoffed lowly. “Me too. That never, ever happens. He must’ve seen me tonight and gotten desperate enough, he took a chance. The people I deal with know discretion is my top priority, and that scene tonight was anything but discreet.” He slammed the heel of his palms against the steering wheel. “Goddamn motherfucker little bitch.”
Amir roared, and I did my best not to cower. His anger wasn’t at me. It probably wasn’t even wholly at that addict. Nevertheless, I’d been a victim of a man’s anger over things not going the way he wanted, so it was hard for me to exist in this too-small vehicle and not be afraid.
Panting, Amir grappled with my hand until our fingers were woven together. I squeezed, both for him and me, and he squeezed back even harder.
“That never should have happened. Never. He shouldn’t have come near you.” He brought our joined hands to his mouth to kiss my knuckles one at a time. “I’m sorry, Zadie. I’m so fucking sorry.”
I nodded in the dark. “I know you are.”
In his bedroom, Amir undressed me like a delicate doll, slowly lowering my dress until it pooled at my feet, following the fabric with his lips on my skin. He seemed to understand I needed this from him. For him to prove he could be gentle and loving, even after he’d exploded with hatred in his truck less than half an hour ago.
He kneeled in front of me, cupping my hips in his hands, rubbing his lips back and forth on the curve of my stomach.
With my eyes closed, I threaded my fingers through his hair and let my head fall back. His mouth was warm now, the ice from the club ancient history. He kissed me from hip to hip, then lower, dragging my panties down a centimeter at a time. His mouth dragged from my belly button to the top of my slit. Tongue darting out, he wedged it between my lips then sucked. I exhaled a soft gust of breath, tipping my hips toward him.
Amir urged me onto the bed, staying on his knees between my open legs. His hands were splayed on my inner thighs, keeping them spread. I was on my elbows, watching him look me over, licking his top lip as if he was eyeing his favorite dessert.
He lowered his head, and though I knew he wanted to bury his face and devour me, he took his time. Laving, touching, kissing me everywhere, not only my clit. He drew my pleasure out to maddening lengths, then took it further. This man, my man, was worshiping at my altar.
My fingers curled into the sheets next to me. Each pass of his teasing tongue had me lifting my hips for more. Could anything be better than this? I didn’t think it was possible.
“Amir,” I whispered. “Oh god, baby, I love what you’re doing.”
His eyes met mine as he pulled my clit into his mouth. There weren’t many things more intimate and raw than maintaining eye contact with him while he sipped at my pleasure like it was life-giving. But we did this. We always looked at each other. Amir didn’t try to hide how much he loved my body, and I couldn’t bear looking away from him.
Until I had to.
A bolt of heat shot down my spine, lifting my hips off the mattress and throwing my head back. My stomach tightened until all I could do was rock into his mouth, seeking relief from the pressure. And he gave it to me, so beautifully, I had to cry his name to the heavens.
“Amir…you…I…please, Amir!”
He slid one hand up, pressing it against my thrashing heart, while he licked me through my pleasure and all the aftershocks.
He climbed to his feet when I was finally done, and I sat up, intent on helping with his clothes too. His nimble fingers unbuttoned his shirt in seconds, sliding it off his sinewy, golden arms. My fingers were frozen on his belt. Lip between my teeth, I got caught up on the tight, lean muscles of his stomach and my favorite trail of black hair that ran from the middle of his chest all the way down. Leaning forward, I dragged my tongue along the trail. Amir’s fingers tangled in the back of my hair, holding my face to his abdomen.
“Beautiful fucking girl.” He tipped my head back and stared down at me, motionless. “My beautiful fucking girl.”
“My beautiful fucking man.” My hands unfroze, working his belt open, then his zipper. Reaching into his briefs, I freed his thick, swollen cock and lowered my head to take it in my mouth. He held on to my hair, not allowing me to go very deep. I swirled my tongue around the tip, needing to show him the same precious treatment he gave me.
“Zadie,” he groaned. “I want that, mama. You can give me your mouth all you want any other time, but right now, I want to hold you while I’m inside you.”
He tugged me away from his cock, holding my face in both hands. He stared down. I peered up. The corners of our mouths tipped at the exact same time.
I loved him. I had fallen in love with this violent, corrupt, loving, beautiful man. It didn’t make sense, but I did, I loved him.
And when he lay on his side, draping my leg over his hip, slowly sinking inside me, I considered he might love me too. If not now, then one day. Because when he held me like this, when his eyes locked on mine, more warm and searching than I’d ever seen, I believed he could love me.
Amir’s mouth covered mine, his tongue slipping between my lips and licking me in the same languid motion his hips rocked into mine. All thoughts of violence, love, consequences, desire, blood, life, fled from this space we shared, until all we were left with was us. Two bodies meeting, finding pleasure and comfort in each other. He fucked me well into the night until we were both breathless and spent, wrung out on each other.
After, Amir continued treating me like a princess, helping me clean up and kissing me sporadically. He tugged his shirt over my head. He’d told me he liked how they were tight on me in places they were loose on him, so I couldn’t bring myself to feel self-conscious when his tees didn’t hang on me like they did Vanessa.
I sat against the headboard, watching him pull on a pair of basketball shorts that hung so low on his hips, my mouth went dry. He caught me looking and chuckled at my blush. Bending over me, he tipped my chin with his knuckle and took my mouth in a slow, thorough kiss.
Amir took the spot beside me in bed, pulling me down so we lay face-to-face again. He caressed my cheek in an achingly sweet way I felt to the tips of my toes. I didn’t think he even realized he was capable of being this gentle with anyone before me. I’d given him so many of my firsts, willingly and with pleasure. He gave me this first without being aware, but I’d treasure being the first—and hopefully only—girl he took such great care with.
“No one ever held me when I was a kid,” he whispered, like he was telling me a great secret, and maybe he was. I had a feeling this wasn’t something he’d said out loud before.
“I’m really sorry,” I whispered back, snuggling in closer.
“My brother loved me. He wasn’t my parent, and he’s never really been right in the head, but he’s always loved me.”
My heart was being strangled with his words. “I’m happy you had him.”
He went quiet for a long moment, caressing my cheek and sweeping over me with his gaze. “Our parents were busy. Kids were on their checklist, something to be done. Once we were here, they checked us off, then checked out. We had nannies, but they weren’t fucking Mary Poppins, you know? But Reno…I don’t know how to explain it except to say he kept me human. Without him, I think I would have checked out too. He started stealing for me, candy, toys, character T-shirts. Shit most kids had, but not us. He knew what it was like not to have it, so he got it for me.”
“He didn’t want you to feel like he felt.”
“Right.” Amir’s jaw hardened, and his gaze went distant.
“What character shirts did he steal for you?”
That brought him back to me. His mouth quirked into something close to a small smile. “Pokémon was my shit back then.”
I smiled back at him. “You had to catch them all, huh?”
“Yeah.” His thumb traced the curve of my smile. “I don’t even know why I’m telling you this except I want you to understand.”
I nodded. I knew why he was telling me. Tonight had been ugly, an ugly Amir wasn’t going to be able to kiss better or smooth over for me. He needed me to know why he couldn’t turn away from that ugliness, even if it hurt me and other people in the process.
“Thank you for telling me, baby,” I murmured.
His lips touched my forehead. “Like when you call me baby.”
And then he tucked me under the thick cover, pulled me onto his chest, kissed my lips, and whispered good night.
I hadn’t fallen asleep. It had been maybe an hour or two since Amir had drifted off. He’d kept me close. Even in his dreams, his arms never loosened.
My thoughts were keeping me awake. My trip to Oregon was coming at both the best and worst time. I needed to see my dad, to touch the huge, old trees that filled our backyard, take a hike, remember who I was.
But I liked who I was here too. I didn’t want to run away from that. It was just that I was seeing falling for Amir had been flying a little too close to the sun. He lived a lot of his life in the jet black of midnight, but he, himself, was bright. The kind of bright I couldn’t resist. Except now I was feeling a little singed and raw.
A shadow passing under the door caught my eye. I didn’t know why it drew my attention, since there were two other people in the house and it could have been either of them, but something in my gut screamed at me. Something wasn’t right.
The distant sound of breaking glass sent my heart pounding.
Drew?
No, he’s not here. Drew is in a hospital in Oregon. Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe Julien broke a glass in the kitchen. It’s probably nothing.
I couldn’t settle. Couldn’t convince myself everything was okay. So, I eased out of bed and tiptoed to the door. As slowly as I could, I cracked it open, peeking into the hall.
And I found someone peeking back at me.
I froze, my gaze locked with one that was wild and crazed. In the back of my mind, I recognized this man, equally frozen at the opposite end of the hall. César.
His arm unfroze. He reached into his pocket, pulling something small and silver out. A snick sounded, and the object flashed silver. My mouth opened—to scream, to gasp? I didn’t know—but nothing came out.
Because that was a knife.
This wasn’t the first time I’d woken to a man in my home who wasn’t supposed to be there, holding a knife. My dad heard him before he could act, but my dad wasn’t here tonight.
And this man, he was crazed in a completely different way than Drew had been.
Two things happened at once. From behind me, Amir snapped my name. In front of me, the man started toward me, knife raised. I couldn’t be sure which action got me to move, but the next breath, I slammed and locked the door.
“Someone’s in the house,” I whispered.
“Zadie?” Amir sounded only half awake. “Come back to bed.”
A crash against the door made my shoulders jump, and I repeated myself. “Someone’s in the house!”
Amir pulled me away from the door and shoved me behind him onto the bed. Flinging open his bedside table, he pressed the combination of his safe and pulled his gun out. The muscles in his shoulders were bunched as he checked it over in a hurry.
Spinning to face me, he jabbed a finger at me, leveling me with a menacing stare. “Don’t move off that bed. Whatever you hear, you stay in here. I’ll send Julien in. You lock the door and do not come out until I’m back.”
I nodded, fear taking my voice. Everything had gone quiet in the hall. To me, that was even more terrifying than the pounding. At least then I knew where he was. Now, he could be anywhere, and Amir was going out there.
Julien slipped into the bedroom, locking the door behind him. He paced back and forth, tugging at his hair, then slammed his palms on the wood. He probably hated being stuck in here with me. If I could have spoken, I would have told him he didn’t need to stay, that he should help Amir. It would have been a lie. I didn’t want to be alone.
I tucked my knees under my chin, holding them tight to stop the shakes from racking my body.
Julien stopped pacing, taking me in, and exhaled, approaching the bed. “Amir and Marco are handling it. I know you’re scared, but you don’t need to be. Anyone who breaks in and makes all that noise doesn’t know what the fuck they’re doing.”
I nodded, trying to take in his assurance and wrap it around my stuttering heart.
“Okay,” I rasped.
“Just wait for Amir. Okay, Zadie?”
Just wait for Amir.
