a thousand different ways.
Leaving my dad and Oregon hurt. The week I spent with him had grown tendrils of homesickness around my heart that hadn’t been there before. Boarding the plane and saying goodbye to the trees and the mountains and my father had squeezed my heart until a piece of it was left behind.
But it had already started chipping away before I’d even set foot in Oregon. It had been so incremental, I’d only noticed the subtle pain in my chest, not what was truly happening. I couldn’t say for sure when it had started, but I could point out the times I’d known for certain I’d broken a little more.
When Amir shut down any conversation about his job for Reno.
When I lied to my roommates.
When Marco called me soft.
When Julien and Marco laughed at an addict.
Amir taking care of César at the club.
César’s desperation.
Amir’s swollen knuckles.
The blood on his shirt.
His refusal to answer my questions.
Knowing he would not give this up. Not for me, not for anything.
I stayed in Oregon longer than I’d planned because I couldn’t face the inevitable. So, Monday came, and I was scrambling to keep up in my classes. My mind just wasn’t on campus today and paying attention was next to impossible. Fortunately, I didn’t seem to be the only one still on spring break mode. Half my professors took it easy on us and reviewed the material they’d already covered rather than moving on to something new.
My last class was the one I shared with Deacon and his group of laughing boys. He’d mostly left me alone recently, only occasionally saying hi. Since the anonymous notes had stopped at the same time his attention had been pulled back, I had to assume he was the one who’d been sending them all along.
I had no idea why, nor did I ever need to know. As long as they stopped, I didn’t care.
Today, when I had no patience and only wanted to get through my class so I could hide in my room a little bit longer, had to be the day he chose to wait for me at the end of class and fall into step with me.
“Hey,” he greeted.
“Hi.”
“Did you have a good spring break?”
“Mmhmm.”
“Yeah, me too. I went to Cabo with my family and some friends. Have you been?”
“No. I’ve heard it’s nice.”
“It is. Killer surfing. Did you go somewhere?”
I adjusted my bag on my shoulder, curling my fingers around the strap. “I visited my dad in Oregon.”
“Dope. Is that where you’re from?”
“Mmhmm.” The door was straight ahead. Surely he’d leave me alone then.
“So, are you really outdoorsy? I don’t know why, but when I think of Oregon, I’m thinking forests and plaid and that kind of shit.”
“The area I grew up in is pretty much like that. And yes, I like being outdoors. Does that qualify as outdoorsy?”
He chuckled, nudging my shoulder with his. “I don’t know. Does liking to surf and golf make me outdoorsy?”
I snorted a soft laugh. “Who’s to say?”
Deacon held the door for me. Outside, I planned to continue on my way, but he said my name and I stopped, peering over my shoulder.
“Are you with that guy?” He caught up to me. “The scary one?”
“I don’t know any scary guys, so I don’t know what you mean.” I bit my bottom lip, refusing to rise to his bait. He didn’t know anything about Amir, so calling him scary rubbed me the wrong way. Even though he wasn’t wrong. “I have to go. I’ll see you next time.”
He reached out, but only grazed his finger on my arm before I yanked it away. “Hey, would you—?”
“Did you send me notes and flowers?” The question was blurted out before I even knew it was coming, but once it was out there, I wondered why I’d waited so long to ask.
Deacon’s mouth flapped open and closed, then he nodded. “Uh…yeah.”
“Why didn’t you sign your name?”
His brow furrowed. “What do you mean? I did.”
“No. You signed ‘D.’ Why?”
“Uh…” he rubbed his crinkled brow, “I didn’t think I had to, not after the first one I dropped in your bag. I assumed you would know they were from me.”
“In my bag? What do you mean?” I hadn’t gotten a note from him in my bag, and I’d certainly never seen one with his full name on it.
His eyes drifted to the side then snapped back to me. “It was like two months ago? Beginning of the semester. I didn’t really think you’d want to talk to me, but I wanted to talk to you. My boys convinced me to leave an apology note. I don’t know, you got up to talk to the prof, I think, so I dropped it in.” His head cocked. “You really didn’t get it?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I dropped my bag to the ground, taking my computer and notebooks out. I had a tendency to throw everything in there, including receipts and random jots, so the bottom was lined with a mess of wrinkled papers. In that, since I knew what I was looking for, I spotted a folded paper, the same kind the poems had been written on, and pulled it out. I unfolded it, read Deacon’s short and pompous apology, and there was the bottom. Instead of a ‘D’ like he signed his poems, he had written ‘Deacon Forrestor.’
I nearly fell back on my butt. Pulling myself together, I tucked everything away and stood, waving the note at Deacon.
“I never saw this.”
If I had…god, if I had, I never would have gone to Amir. Everything between us wouldn’t have happened. I would have pined from afar for who knew how long. That would have hurt, but nowhere near the constant ache I was carrying now.
His shoulders slumped. “Fuck. No wonder you’ve been looking at me like a serial killer.”
Like a stalker.
“I don’t think that, but the seemingly anonymous poems on my doorstep were creepy. And the library…”
“The library. Yeah, I got out of there as soon as your scary dude appeared.” He groaned. “Let me take you out for a drink to apologize. Or dinner. Or coffee.”
“You know, you really scared me.”
He made a sound at the back of his throat like a creaky door. “I’m…did I? Fuck. You kind of ran away in the library, and I guess…I scared you?”
“You terrified me.”
Deacon actually flinched. He stared at me like I was speaking a language where he only understood every third word. Was I the first person to call him out on his behavior? Perhaps other girls—less traumatized girls—found his relentless pursuit charming.
“Zadie!”
My head whipped around at the bark of my name, knowing exactly who I’d find. Amir was marching toward me, hands fisted at his side, eyebrows pulled into furious slashes over his eyes.
“That’s the scary guy,” Deacon mumbled.
He sure was. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me, but I still didn’t love being the object of his rage.
Leaving Deacon and his utter cluelessness behind, I walked toward Amir, meeting him in the middle of the path between buildings. My heart thumped hard in my chest. I loved this man. I’d missed him like crazy. But as much as I wanted to, I wasn’t walking into his arms. I was preparing to walk away, because he was making me.
He took me by the shoulders without a single word, guiding me to the parking lot. At his SUV, I wrenched away from him.
“I can’t go with you,” I said.
“The hell you can’t. Get in the truck, Zadie.”
“No.”
He raised both hands, shaking as he stopped himself from touching me. “I’m so fucking pissed at you right now. If you don’t get in—”
“What? You’ll what?” It wasn’t a challenge. I said it gently. The last thing I wanted was to hurt him more than I already had.
He groaned with frustration, thrusting his hand through the side of his hair. Eyes flicking to mine, his chest rose and fell, rose and fell, as he struggled to find his control.
“Were you going to tell me you were back?” he finally asked.
“Yes, of course. I just needed to get my head straight.”
His hand fell to his side with a heavy thud. “Wasn’t that why you were in Oregon? Why you snuck out on me, refused my calls, refused to talk about anything real over text? Your head’s looking pretty straight to me, Zadie. It’s time to talk. The conversation is overdue.”
I sucked in a quivering breath. He was absolutely right. I was only stalling by avoiding him. The outcome of our talk was a foregone conclusion. I needed to get it over with so I could start learning to live with the pain I would walk away carrying.
“I love you, Amir.”
He staggered back a step, hitting the door of his SUV. He gave his head a shake, as if he was trying to clear it.
“What?” One word, loaded with so much astonishment, I had to wonder when the last time anyone had told them they loved him. It made me doubt myself for a moment, doubt my convictions, the decisions I’d made.
I nodded. “I do, I love you. But I can’t be with you if you’re working for Reno. The things you do, I just can’t overlook it. I know I told you I could. I really thought I could, but after everything, I know I can’t. It’s not in me.” I touched my chest, which should have been caved in with how battered I felt. But I was whole, and I’d still be whole after this.
His wonder evaporated, leaving a guarded, angry man, holding himself back from exploding. “So, this is an ultimatum.”
“No.” I bit the inside of my cheek to give myself a different kind of pain to concentrate on. “It’s not an ultimatum. You’ve already told me you won’t choose me. I won’t ask you to.”
He threw his arms out. “And that’s it? You expect me to go along with this?”
I wrapped my arms around my middle to stop myself from hugging him. It was unnatural for us not to touch. Even before, when we weren’t together, Amir always found excuses to put his hands on me. From his bunched muscles and tightly clenched fists, he was holding himself back as much as I was.
I hated myself for doing this, and I really wanted to hate him for making me do this, but I just couldn’t.
“I don’t want this, but I can’t be with you anymore. I’m sorry I ever came to you.” I bit my cheek again. “I’m sorry I can’t be the girl you need.”
His jaw ticced as he stared me down. “It doesn’t seem you know what I need, Zadie. Not if you’re pushing this bullshit on me.”
My exhale was ragged, like air passing over broken glass.
“Then I guess I should say you’re not the man I need.” Copper flowed on my tongue from the wound I’d bit into the inside of my cheek.
Amir flinched like I’d struck him. “Fuck that. Try again.”
“I love you, Amir.”
He flinched even harder. “Untrue.”
“I do. I love you. This is absolutely destroying me. I’d rather go through a thousand years of Drew than do this.”
His nostrils flared as his body listed in my direction. If he touched me, this was over. I would fall into his arms with relief. At the last moment, he pulled himself back, steeling his spine.
“Then don’t do it. My job with Reno doesn’t touch you. It’s separate. It has nothing to do with you and me.”
I shook my head hard. “That isn’t true and you know it.” I pressed my hand to my mouth to steady my quivering chin. “I love you, and I do not want this to be the end. But I can’t be with you while this…violence has a stranglehold on you.”
“Stop fucking saying that.”
“Will you quit? Right now, will you tell your brother you can’t work for him anymore?”
He rubbed the top of his head, looking at me. I looked right back, seeing the defeat in his eyes. He wanted a battle, but he’d already chosen sides, and I’d laid down my weapons. It was over.
“No,” he answered.
I nodded once. It was what I’d already known. “Then that’s it.”
His palm slammed into his door. “I never should have let you go. I knew you’d come back fucked. You didn’t let me make it right.”
“I’d made my decision before I ever left.”
His mouth twitched, like he was holding back from what he wanted to say with all his might.
“I love you, Amir, but I can’t be with you anymore.” Suddenly cold, despite the warm spring sun, I rubbed my palms up and down my arms. “In a year, when you’re finished working with Reno, maybe we can try again.”
Every muscle on his body went rigid as he stared at me. I’d never seen him more furious.
“A year? You want me to wait around for a year to be with you again?”
I shook my head and choked out a response. “No. Of course I don’t want you to wait.” I pressed my hand to my burning cheek. “I know you’re angry with me now, but maybe you won’t be then. And if we’re both single, we could try again. I just—” I sucked in a deep breath. “I very much don’t want to walk away from you forever. Because I love you, and I will miss you.”
Amir stepped forward, bringing his face only inches from mine. His midnight eyes were flat, not the endless night sky I was used to seeing.
“If you walk away now, it’s done. You could be my queen, Zadie. You could be my everything. But if you walk, if you’re so fucking weak and disloyal, you can’t stick with me when shit gets real, you’ll be nothing to me. There’s no going back from that.”
He was so mad. I saw it in every breath, every jerky movement. I didn’t know if he loved me the way I loved him, but I was certain he cared for me very much. I was even more certain I was hurting him. Maybe not as badly as I was hurting myself, but badly for sure.
I drew in every ounce of my courage. Fortified my walls with my convictions. Reminded myself who I was and what I believed in.
Then I let my eyes fall over Amir’s face. I wished my last glimpse of him could be when he was laughing at me or giving me one of his smug grins. The angry man in front of me wasn’t my Amir.
But I was letting him go so it would be easier to walk away from him when he was like this. Not easy. I couldn’t imagine a scenario where this would be easy.
“I love you, Amir.”
His breathing hitched, and he started to hold his hand out to me.
He’d misunderstood.
“Goodbye.”
I turned and walked away.
“Zadie!” He launched my name at me like a grenade, filled with pain and burning anger.
My steps stumbled, but I righted myself and kept moving. This was right. I couldn’t be true to myself if I stayed, no matter how eviscerated it made me to walk away.
Amir didn’t chase me. I knew he wouldn’t, but I both worried and hoped in equal measures he would.
He didn’t. It was over. It should have been over before it even began.
