THE TUTUS OR TIES gender reveal party went off without a hitch. My parents’ expansive backyard was transformed into an oasis of blue, yellow, and pink flowers. White tables and chairs were scattered about, each adorning their own floral arrangements. Ice sculptures and lily pad fountains added to the opulent décor. Servers dressed in white button-down shirts and black neckties offered trays of food and drinks to our nearly four dozen guests. A live jazz band provided the entertainment on a portable stage.
To the unknowing eye, Conner and I looked like a happy couple. Whenever we were together, his arm rarely left my waist. His lips would often brush across my forehead, or his hand would graze my cheek. He’d affectionately rub my round belly and would lace our hands together when introducing me to his guests. When my curls would blow in my face, he would tenderly tuck the strands behind my ear. Caught up in the bliss of it all, I greedily accepted his affection, knowing that it was only temporary. When I thought about the reality of our current relationship, depression hovered nearby.
Since our sonogram appointment, Conner had begun to slowly insert himself back into my life as the doting father-to-be. Our relationship remained strictly platonic, all traces of what we once shared lost in the wind. I worried about him constantly, and I missed him terribly. It was difficult to be around him and not be with him. But he was no longer mine, and I was no longer his. We shared an exclusive connection through our unborn twins that would forever link us together, but at some point, we would both be expected to move on. He would find someone who was more amenable, who would accept the few parts of him that he was willing to give. I would find someone who was kind and safe, who would be willing to give me all of him. The irony was, I would never be capable of giving another man all my heart. That would always belong to Conner.
When it was time for the gender reveal, Conner and I stood in front of the smiling crowd, both holding a popper. The countdown began. Three, two, one! The popper strings were pulled by everyone in attendance, followed by blue confetti catapulting high into the sky. Fountains, which were situated on the outskirts of the party space, simultaneously sprayed blue lit water from their spouts. An eruption of screams, whistles, and applause echoed throughout the party. I squealed in delight, and Conner beamed a bright smile that didn’t reach his eyes.
∞∞∞
I RECLINED IN THE PASSENGER seat of Conner’s car and was lulled to sleep almost instantly. The heat of his hand against my cheek stirred me awake. ‘We’re home,’ he said, the deep timbre of his voice coaxing me.
In my haze, I leaned into his hand. I blinked a few times and focused on his green irises as they bore into me. I was practically spellbound, as I studied the dilation of his eyes, the gray in them deepening. I didn’t move an inch, not with him so close to me. Not with the way his hand cradled my cheek. Not with the way his lips were but a breath away from mine. Not with the way his eyes skimmed to my lips momentarily. My heart stuttered in my chest, and I knew that if he leaned over to kiss me, I wouldn’t pull away. But where would that leave us? Absolutely nothing had been resolved.
I broke away from our connection first. With a slight turn of my head, I moved out of his grasp and immediately mourned the loss of his touch. ‘Thanks for the ride,’ I said, as I adjusted my seat into the upright position.
Something close to dejection flickered in his eyes for a moment, then it was gone. ‘I’ll walk you up.’
We rode the elevator in silence, both standing a few feet apart from one another. I locked my eyes on the display numbers above, while I twirled a curly lock of hair around my finger. Conner leaned casually against the back wall with his hands in his pockets; his eyes also focused on the display numbers.
‘You and my dad. Where did you two run off to?’ Towards the end of the party, I saw my dad lead Conner back to the house alone. They were gone for quite some time.
‘He wanted to discuss a few things with me in private.’
‘What things?’
‘My intentions,’ he said nonchalantly as he looked over at me.
The elevator doors opened, and we exited together. His hand was on the small of my back, its heat branding me.
I arched an eyebrow at Conner, beckoning him to continue. ‘He made it very clear where I could shove said intentions,’ he said, a smirk curving his lips.
We approached my door. Intentions, huh? I wasn’t thrilled over the fact that they were discussing Conner’s intentions, especially when I wasn’t privy to said intentions.
The look on my face must have clued Conner in. He moved to stand in front of me, and I tipped my head back to look up at him. He studied my face, his eyes probing. ‘I’m not giving up on us.’
I gave a minute shake of my head. I still had hope for us, but I needed to see some changes before I went back to him. ‘Conner…’ I said, my voice conveying my exasperation and uncertainty.
Conner pulled me closer to him and wrapped his arms around me. Resting his chin on top of my head, he said, ‘I’m working through my demons.’
‘I just want you to be okay.’ I want us to be okay. I don’t want to be a distraction for you in your journey to healing. Those words were stuck in my throat.
‘I’m managing, but I won’t be okay until I have you back. Until I can give you all that you need and deserve.’
‘What is it that you think I need?’ It was easier to have this conversation in our current stance, my cheek against his chest, his chin atop my head.
‘All of me,’ he simply said, the sadness in his voice apparent. It felt so good being this close. Listening to his heartbeat. Breathing him in. ‘I understand why you left me. I pushed you away. It damn near destroyed me, losing you. But it’s what needed to happen, for me to get my shit together.’
‘I don’t know what’s going on with you, Conner. But I’ve lived through enough trauma and pain to recognize it in someone else.’ I could feel his tense body radiating against mine. His energy literally drained me, as if our pain and trauma were connected. ‘Conner…we’re broken. Both of us. I once thought that if we put our broken pieces together, we could make each other whole. But…’ I trailed off.
‘But we can’t. It’s not enough,’ he ruefully said. A few beats passed. ‘Look…I…uh…I better go.’ He placed a gentle kiss on my forehead. ‘Is it okay if I come back later? I’m not quite ready to say goodnight yet. My meeting should take about an hour. I can be back in two.’
‘A meeting? Work?’ It was nearly 8 o’clock.
He shook his head. ‘No, not work.’ He hesitated. ‘AA.’
I couldn’t help the splitting smile on my face. ‘That’s great, Conner.’
He gave a faint smile. ‘I promised my sponsor, Jim, that I’d meet him there.’ Jim. I knew that name. Conner had introduced me to Jim at the gender reveal party. Jim was a forty-something year old man with an easy smile, a neck tattoo, and warm eyes. I liked him immediately.
‘Do you still have your spare key?’
His features slightly relaxed. ‘I do.’
‘Good,’ I smiled. ‘Then, I’ll see you later.’ I stood on my tippy toes and kissed his cheek. ‘Bye, Conner.’
‘Bye, angel,’ he said, his lips curving into one of his rare panty-dropping smiles.
∞∞∞
A FEW HOURS LATER, I was awakened by the feel of strong arms banded around me. ‘Shhh, it’s okay. It’s me.’ Conner’s voice soothed me, and I nuzzled my face into the crook of his neck. Even in my slightly disoriented and sleepy state, I could feel him lifting me from the couch and carrying me to bed. In my underwear. Oops. I discarded my dress long ago and had planned to change into some pajamas before Conner arrived. I fell asleep before I mustered up the energy to change my clothes.
I tightened my arms around Conner’s neck. ‘I’m heavy,’ I said through a sleepy fog.
He lightly chucked. ‘Hardly.’ He tugged the covers back with one hand and gently placed me between the cool sheets.
‘What time is it?’ I asked as I turned towards him. He sat on the edge of the bed.
‘A quarter after 10.’ He smoothed my curls out of my face and brushed his knuckles along my cheek. ‘You’re so fucking beautiful.’
‘Thanks, but you have to say that. I’m growing your seeds,’ I joshed while yawning.
‘Indeed, you are. And I must admit, that’s hot as hell.’ He placed a kiss to my nose before brushing his fingers along my freckles. ‘Go back to sleep. I’ll go. We can hang out tomorrow.’
‘Don’t go,’ I said a little too eagerly. ‘I mean, you can stay. If you want,’ I coolly said with a slight shrug of my shoulder.
A small smile flitted across his lips. ‘I’m pretty beat actually. You mind if I crash on your couch?’
‘Yeah, sure. Or…you can sleep in here. This bed is big enough for both of us.’ My blinks were becoming slower from fatigue, and I focused on Conner’s luminous green eyes that practically glowed in the darkened bedroom.
‘Cool.’ He brushed his thumb across my bottom lip before standing up and pulling his shirt over his head. ‘Try not to seduce me. My morals are shit.’
I smiled and tugged my bottom lip between my teeth. Conner undressed down to his boxer briefs. Even in the darkened room, I could see the hard planes of his sculpted body. Thank goodness it was too dark for him to see me blushing. I cleared my throat and turned away from him. I soon felt a slight dip in the mattress, then felt the heat and hardness of his body as he pressed against my back and draped an arm around my waist.
‘Goodnight, angel,’ he said before resting his palm on my extended belly.
‘Goodnight, Conner.’ I laced my fingers through his and drifted off to sleep.
My full bladder woke me up in the morning. A long muscular arm was strewn across me, Conner’s large hand still splayed across my bare belly. His breath lightly tickled my neck as he snored softly. I managed to turn and face him without disturbing him from his slumber. Conner looked like a fallen angel. His bed hair was an unruly mass of silky strands that I was tempted to run my fingers through. His bare chest rose and fell with each breath. The contours of his face were relaxed, and he looked so peaceful. The dark stubble on his jaw looked both scratchy and soft. My eyes trailed lower to his morning wood, in all its glory. I felt like a creeper, staring at him unabashedly while he slept. I couldn’t resist, however, having this unobstructed and uninterrupted view of him.
Still in a deep sleep, he fitfully turned onto his back, one hand now splayed across his stomach, and the other up above his head. I bit my lip, as I got an eyeful of his body. The sheets were now tangled around his lower waist, exposing his delicious V muscle that led to his happy trail. As much as I wanted to stay and ogle him, duty called. I had to pee, like five minutes ago. Careful not to wake him, I climbed out of bed and made my way to the bathroom.
After washing my hands and brushing my teeth, I climbed back in bed and snuggled against Conner, curving my body to the side of his. I rested a hand along the ridges of his defined abdomen and draped a leg on top of his muscular thigh. He stirred slightly in his sleep and dragged an arm around my waist, pulling me even closer to his side. I rested my head on his carved chest and felt him nuzzle his face into my large mop of curls. His light snoring resumed, and I fell back into a deep slumber, feeling hopeful and at peace.
