I tossed all three mini bottles of mouthwash I’d consumed into the trash in my hotel room, washing them down with a bottle of water and mint gum. Luna and I were going to meet up at a diner three blocks from Boon, and I preferred not to smell like a piss-ridden alleyway. The alcohol on my breath was starting to stick, even when I wasn’t drinking. It was in my sweat. In my odor. In my fucking veins.
This morning I’d snuck out of her room, but not before parting from her body in the most glorious way. She’d pressed her ass against my dick, wiggling it back and forth, begging for friction. I jerked off, came on her ass, then fingered her to an orgasm before leaving, because—why, yes, I was a perfect gentleman.
Before going to meet Luna, I called Mom. Her voice was strained, breathless, but she tried to hold back the coughs, asking me how I was doing in North Carolina.
“Good,” I said. “Luna’s my girlfriend now.”
It felt stupid to say it in the same way it felt stupid to think it. We were so much more than steady. I was going to marry her. I’d known that with every fiber of my being before I was fully potty trained, for fuck’s sake. I just hadn’t known how to label it back then.
“Oh my goodness,” Mom shrieked into my ear. She sounded relieved more than happy, and I tried not to let it dampen my mood. “I’m so happy to hear that.”
“Happy or relieved?” I threw her tone back at her.
“Both,” she admitted.
I had a flight booked for tonight. Missing school wasn’t on my agenda—not because I gave a shit about it, but because I didn’t want to add any more concern to my already troubled household. They were going to find out soon that the only reason I was still in school was because I had been the football captain and Coach would hunt me down and kick my ass if I dropped out. My grades were every teacher’s nightmare. Based on them, you wouldn’t guess I was literate, let alone smart.
I loved Luna, but nothing could keep me away from Mom for very long. This was the longest and farthest I’d ever been away from her.
There was silence on the other line.
“Mom?”
More silence.
“Rosie!” I barked impatiently, kicking the trash can in the hotel bathroom. The mouthwash bottles spilled over, rolling on the floor, knocking against the top of my boot. Without thinking, I reached for a fourth bottle and unscrewed it.
Damn it all to hell.
“Sorry,” she choked on the word. “Drifted off for a second. I’m fine, baby. Totally fine. Just really tired.”
“I love you,” I growled, annoyed.
“Love you, too.”
I texted Dad asking about Mom, and he said everything was cool. I texted Lev and Aunt Em, cross-examining them, but they gave me the same laconic update.
Fine, fine, fine. I understood fully now why Luna loathed this word.
I sat across from my girlfriend in a dirty little diner that smelled like it had been deep-fried in its entirety. The walls, the red-vinyl booths, the tables—everything smelled of fried food, with the undertone of stale coffee.
Real talk? I wasn’t Boon’s biggest fan. If I had to give it a twin city, it’d be hell. Call me a shallow dipshit, but I liked my life in Todos Santos. With the perfect palm trees and mile-long white beaches and sparkling private pools and diners that were squeaky clean and brand new. You could eat from the fucking floor at my local Denny’s.
But Luna was here, wearing a tight green top that made her puckered nipples poke out, so naturally, Boon was my favorite place for this moment.
“How’s Rosie?” She squeezed my hand from across the table. I wanted to sit on the same side as her, but reined in my clingy-ass tendencies. I still hadn’t told her the L word. She had enough leverage on me as it was, so I held on to it like a nun holds her V card.
“She’s fine.”
Then I remembered I couldn’t bullshit Luna, and she didn’t deserve to be bullshitted, anyway.
“That’s what they tell me, anyway. Wanna know what I think? I think it’s nearing the end.”
Luna bit her lip, looking down at her thighs. She was a terrible liar, so I deducted there was something she wasn’t telling me.
“Do you know something I don’t?” I dipped my chin, my throat working.
She shook her head, flipping the greasy, plastic menu a few times, pretending to read it. Upside-fucking-down. Nice.
Drop it, my mind told me. Eighteen years later, you finally got the girl. Don’t pick a fight and ruin this. Not now.
What could Luna know about my mom that I didn’t, anyway? Nothing. I was on top of my shit in that department. I grilled Mom, Em, and Dad on a daily basis. Her doctors, too. Short of gutting a random, healthy person of their lungs and shoving them in my mom’s chest, I did everything I could. Luna wasn’t keeping anything from me.
“I’m hungry for something sweet. I think I’m going to go for the pancakes.” Moonshine tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, her eyes roaming the menu. “What do you want to eat?”
“You,” I deadpanned, flicking my menu across the table. She looked up. Giggled.
Her voice. Her fucking voice. I could drown in it.
“No, really?” She covered her giggling mouth and that chipped tooth she thought made her imperfect.
“Really,” I maintained. “Put every dish on the menu in this place and your legs spread-eagle on this table and test me.”
“Jesus, Knight.” She laughed.
I sat back and smiled. It was easier to be my usual, cocksure self when I was secretly drunk. And the good thing about mouthwash, I’d found out recently, was it didn’t leave the stench of vodka or whiskey. Plus, because you weren’t actually supposed to drink it, it packed one hell of a buzz.
“How’d your roommate react this morning?” I changed the subject from her pussy before my dick sprung out of my Armani slacks and ran to reunite.
Luna rolled her eyes, taking a sip of her giant glass of milk. “She yelled at me.”
I winced. “What did you do?”
“Yelled back.”
“Atta girl.”
“Then she hugged me.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Then she apologized for slapping me.”
“She slapped you?”
“Yup. I mean, I can’t wholly blame her. She thought I was completely mute. I did a lot of apologizing of my own for keeping so many things a secret from her. Then I sent Josh a text message asking to meet him for coffee so I could apologize and explain. I feel like such a dick.”
“Maybe because you’ve been dicked all night.”
Evidently, I wasn’t going to be a supportive boyfriend. I just couldn’t stomach FUCKING JOSH’s name—even if I’d won the battle, the war, and conquered every inch of the land. I slid out of my seat and joined her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and kissing her head.
“Just because you didn’t tell them the whole truth doesn’t mean you lied. You didn’t speak at the time. It takes a lot of courage to do what you did, at age nineteen, and without the support of your idiot best friend. They’ll get over the shock. Cut yourself some slack.”
“What if I broke Josh’s heart?” Luna’s eyes filled with tears.
I took her hands and placed them on my chest. Her sweetness just about killed me. She wasn’t sad for FUCKING JOSH specifically. She was sad because she’d made someone else feel shitty.
“You didn’t do it on purpose. We break things all the time. It’s called life. If you don’t break, you don’t live. You don’t move. You don’t try. You don’t take chances. Breaking is a part of living. FUCKING JOSH will move on. He has to. You need to understand that sometimes, the consequences of your actions are destructive. You need to forgive yourself and make sure the other person knows you’re sorry. You can’t do more than that. You’re not responsible for someone else’s happiness.”
She ate pancakes, and I had a BLT. I forced myself to finish the bitch so she wouldn’t know how crazy lethargic I was from all the drinking. Since football season was over, I no longer gave a shit about my muscle tone. I wasn’t even sure I’d go to college at this point. I might skip a year to stay with Mom. I knew I was definitely not moving out, and I wondered if that was going to be a problem for Luna, who seemed to want to stay here at Boon.
We strolled toward the water tower after that, hand in hand. I was boarding a plane later this evening. I didn’t know the next time I could come visit. Technically, I could come next weekend, if Mom was okay. But what if she wasn’t? Leaving her side now felt like Russian roulette.
“So. This long-distance shit,” I broached.
We both looked forward, at the water tower, not each other.
“We’ll make it work,” she said.
“We have to,” I insisted. “And not just this year.” I stopped. She stopped. The entire world stopped.
This was hard. And necessary. No man should have to choose between the love of his life and the woman who gave him life. But here I was, in front of some fucked-up Sophie’s choice. The boy or the girl? The mother or the girlfriend?
The love of your life or the woman who gave you life?
“I’m not going anywhere, Luna. I’m staying in Todos Santos to be there with my mom. This year. Possibly next year. Definitely for the rest of her days. And if my mom…” I started, but she put her fingertips to my lips.
A tiny, barely visible shake of her head told me not to continue.
I cleared my throat. “Regardless of Mom, I will need to be there for Levy and Dad.”
After.
“We’ll make it work.” She brushed her thumb across my cheek.
“I’ll need you. All the freaking time.”
“I’ll try to transfer to UCLA. Might work. We’ll see.”
“Thank you.” I was too desperate to do the chivalrous thing and tell her to stay here if she was happy.
How the fuck was I going to survive until then? If she was even going to get the transfer.
She rose on her toes, wrapping her arms around my neck. She touched her lips to mine. There was something about that kiss that promised more.
An I love you.
If she said it, I promised myself, I would stop drinking. I’d hold on to it in my darkest hours. I’d be good. Or at least better than I was right now. For her.
I love you, I told her in my head. I love you, I love you, I love you.
For some reason, it was important for me to hear her say it first. I was so obviously blindly, pathetically in love with her, I needed her to show me this meant something for her, too.
Her mouth opened. My goddamn heart was about to burst.
“Ride or die,” she whispered.
I smiled, my disappointment leaking through the cracks of my soul.
“Ride or die, Moonshine.”
