I wished I could rewrite our last moment, the way I could in my little notebook.
The last, first moment I saw him again, after Boon.
The boy I fell in love with, the guy I fell in lust with, the man who’d be my downfall.
When I finally got to the hospital, my first vision of Knight was him gliding through the corridor with a death glare, rubbing a crying Lev’s back, walking away from his father, who was shouting at both of them to come back.
Knight stopped when we came face to face, his expression unmoved. I didn’t expect a kiss, or a grand declaration of love, considering the circumstances, but when I opened my arms to hug them, he ignored the gesture, opting to jerk Levy closer to his side, like he was protecting him from the entire world, me included.
“Take us home?” he almost pleaded. “I want to drop Levy at your parents’ and take a shower. It’s been a long day.”
I nodded. I’d figured he’d need some chauffeuring, so I’d made a quick stop at my house to pick up Dad’s car before coming here. I normally shied away from driving, but I was beginning to understand that Knight’s situation required a lot of adjusting. I was desperate to fit into his new, broken world and help any way I could.
I was already missing classes, skipping school, and falling behind by being here for God knows how long. But I would be.
Indeed, the price of Knight’s love was expensive, but I had no trouble paying my dues.
As we drove silently, Lev sat in the back, sucking his breath in to hold back his sobs. His face was a wreck, his eyes red, his hands shaking in his lap. I didn’t know what to say, but I knew I needed to say something. Anything. I cleared my throat, straightening in my seat.
“I’m going to pack you a bag, Lev, give you some pizza money, and drop you at Jaime and Mel’s. I already spoke with them. You can sleep over at their place.”
I watched through the rearview mirror as Lev’s dimmed eyes lit up. I knew he loved Bailey dearly. She was his rock, as I was Knight’s. Everyone in this family needed someone strong to lean on. I just wondered who was going to be there for Dean.
“You talk?” Lev was too exhausted to be surprised.
A sad smile played on my lips.
“Yes.”
“Since when?”
Since I decided to pull my head out of my butt.
“Since…it became apparent that I need to. A few weeks. Not more. How can I make this easier for you, Levy?” I asked.
It occurred to me that when someone is dealing with something so profound as losing a loved one, perhaps instead of telling them everything will be okay—while knowing that for the foreseeable future it won’t—it would be better to ask for guidance on how to please them.
“Doesn’t Racer have the new Zelda?” Lev asked.
“He does.”
“We’ve been wanting to check it out.”
“I’ll drop it at Bailey’s,” I assured him.
After leaving Lev at the Followhills’, I let Knight nap on the couch while I ran him a bath. He smelled like hell, a piece of information I refrained from sharing with him. I had just thrown a unicorn bath bomb into the water, watching the fizz and foam dance in pink and purple on the surface, when I felt his arms tightening around my midriff, his nose nuzzling my shoulder.
“Shower,” he growled into my ear, turning off the running water. I closed my eyes, shuddering against his erection, which pressed against my butt.
“What’s wrong with a bath?” I licked my lower lip.
“Can’t fuck your brains out the way I want to in a bath.” His teeth scraped along my skin, leaving goosebumps in their wake.
His large, ripped body moved toward the tub, unplugging it before flicking on the shower. The three showerheads came to life, and as steam gathered between the glass walls of the crème and black checked marble tiles, he turned to me, stripping.
I did the same. We took our clothes off silently. There was something clinical about it. Bitterly erotic. We were getting prepared to do something dirty in a place so clean, without any sweet words and reassuring promises.
“Are you sure you’re in the right headspace?”
“I will always be in the right headspace to be inside you. You’re my home.”
He was totally naked now, his penis hard, long, and thick, pointing at me. He offered me his hand. I took it. He took my lips with his and kissed me so hard, I began to feel dizzy in his arms, swaying back and forth. He tasted like alcohol, but I didn’t think confronting him about it would do me any good.
After, I promised myself. When we were both content and spent and napping in each other’s arms, post-orgasm, I’d go harsh on him for the drinking.
He’d been too good at keeping his addiction under wraps.
I could no longer turn a blind eye or hope it was a phase.
It was here to stay, and by God, I wasn’t going to let it.
Knight opened the shower door, helping me in and boxing me against the wall in his arms, still kissing me deep and rough. I quivered against his bulging body. Everything about him was hard and strong.
You can afford to be a little soft from the inside from time to time, my beautiful, broken Knight.
“Condom,” I murmured into his lips as he hoisted me up.
I had to wrap my legs around his narrow waist for balance. I wasn’t on the pill, and even though I’d booked an appointment back at Boon, I wasn’t taking any chances.
“I’ll finish out,” he spoke against my skin, already lined up to push into me.
I moaned. “Too dangerous.”
“So why is your grip on me tightening? C’mon, Moonshine. What’s the worst that could happen? A little baby Lunight? She’ll be cute. Plus, cosmic interference and all. I’m losing a mother, gaining a kid. Sounds about right.”
I was so shocked by his words, I found myself gaping at him as he pushed into me bareback, fucking me against the tiles. A few thrusts in, I forgot what had come out of his mouth. I forgot my own name. He pumped fast and hard, his soft, wet hair between my fingers as I cried out his name.
Knight could fill me to the brim even when he wasn’t technically inside me. Just feeling his hot body pressing against mine was enough to set me off. I felt the climax from my curled toes, like an earthquake rising up to the rest of my body, an electric shock zinging through me.
“Knight, Knight, Knight.”
I came so hard, I couldn’t hold myself wrapped around him, and he had to catch me, groping my ass with a bruising grip. His harsh fingers against my delicate skin only made the orgasm more intense. It ripped me apart in the best possible way.
He pulled out of me at the same time I dropped to my knees. I didn’t even know what I was doing. Worshipping him? Couldn’t have been much else. I didn’t know how to do the thing I wanted to do to him. I didn’t have the first clue how to do it.
Still, I stared at his big hand, pumping his dick, so raw and large and close to me, and I wanted to.
I swallowed, licking my lips and staring at his manhood.
“Can I unload down your throat?”
He’d read my mind, his voice so raspy and hoarse, it felt like fingernails dragging along my skin. He looked drunk on what we were doing, and that made me feel powerful.
“I…I don’t know how.”
“Do you know how to swallow?”
“Ah…yes.”
“Perfect. You passed the test.”
I licked my lips again. I want this dick in my mouth.
The thought surprised me, but also delighted me. I never thought I’d be into something like that.
Before I could articulate my next thought, not to mention form it, his penis was inside my mouth. It was bigger than I’d anticipated it to be, somehow. I gagged as I felt the tip in the back of my throat, my eyes filling with tears. I could taste myself on his skin, and it embarrassed me as he thrust hard and grasped the back of my head, forcing me to gag instead of pull back as was my instinct.
Instead of biting down his cock—which a part of me wanted to do—I clamped my lips over his length, a knee-jerk reaction that matched the hot heat swirling in my stomach. He groaned, and I felt warm, thick liquid rushing down my throat. I kept swallowing and swallowing it, even though it tasted salty, earthy, and strong.
Honestly, a lot like low-carb noodles.
After, I closed my eyes, hugging my knees to my chest. I didn’t know why I was so ashamed. I wasn’t uncomfortable about what we’d done, but I was hurt by the way Knight had used my mouth to get off. So I just let the water rain down on my face and body. I heard him shuffling inside the shower unevenly, probably a little drunk, still, and the scent of coconut and citrus filled the air—soaps and creams and salts everywhere.
“Hey.”
I heard his voice. Soft. So soft all of a sudden. But I couldn’t shake what he had said about having a kid, about not wearing a condom—or how he’d just shoved his dick into my mouth without warning and basically fucked my head.
“Moonshine.” His hand clasped my shoulder.
I held back from wailing. This was not the right time to cry, not when he was drowning in troubles. Then again—was I really that girl? The one who let something like that slide?
“What’s up?” He lowered himself to me, and I opened my eyes. He looked like a wreck. On the plus side, he also looked completely sober.
“I didn’t like it,” I whispered.
He took my hand and began to lather my arm in soap, up and down. He moved on to my other arm, his lips pursed.
“I thought you had an orgasm. I thought it was good for you,” he said boyishly, his ears pinking to a deep shade of rose. “Well, fuck. I’m sorry.”
“I did like it. But I didn’t like the way we did it. You were angry. You didn’t listen to me when I asked you to put on a condom. And that thing in the end…”
He stopped touching me and looked up. The water was pounding on us, like that time when he’d saved me on my bike. The memory soothed my aching heart. Then I remembered the Knight I was talking to wasn’t the same boy who’d risked his life for me. That boy wasn’t an addict.
“I’m sorry about the condom. That was… God, it was such a dick move. Shit.”
He squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head. He sat down in front of me, burying his face in his hands, his elbows on his knees. There was something so vulnerable about seeing him—big and athletic and formidable—naked. I shamefully loved and rightfully hated this view of Knight—fragile and imperious at the same time.
“I get like that when I’m drunk. Really mean. I’m so sorry…so sorry…”
I crawled into his embrace, prying his hands from his face. He wasn’t crying, but his eyes were red.
“I’ll never do it again. It was a fucked-up thing to do and a screwed-up thing to say. I didn’t mean anything by it. I know we can’t have a baby now. And trust me, I’m totally on board with that. We’ll have lots of babies. When we’re old and shit.”
My heart stirred wildly behind my ribs. I tried to ignore it.
“About that other thing…” I cleared my throat.
“What other thing?”
“When you put your dick in my mouth, Knight.”
“You asked me.” He frowned, confused. “You said you wanted it there.”
“What?”
“You signed it to me, Luna. You signed I want this dick in my mouth. I just assumed you meant literally, because you dropped to your knees, looked at it, and licked your lips.”
Oh my God.
I’d signed it. I had. Jesus Christ. Tears began to pool in my eyes. Relieved tears, with a dash of horror for believing, even for one moment, that Knight could ever do something so cruel to me. I knew his normal self never would. Hell, I’d let him sleep in the same bed as me since we were kids. But this was different. He was different now. But nonetheless, he’d done it because he thought I was into it and ready for it.
Now it was my time to lather his gorgeous, Greek god body with soap. I kept my eyes on every organ I cleaned.
“Knight.”
“Yes?”
“Do you care for me?”
I hated to play that card when his mother was dying, but I had to. I’d made a promise to her, and I was going to fulfill the hell out of it.
He stared at me seriously, his thick brows furrowed. “More than anyone in the world, save for one person. You two are a tie,” he said.
My pulse began to thump in the back of my throat. “In that case, I need you to do something for me.”
“A-ny-thing,” he enunciated, in the same way I’d told Rosie I would do anything for her.
“You need to stop drinking. Stop with the pills. I saw you taking them at the diner when I went to the bathroom and you thought I wasn’t looking. And I know that wasn’t a one-off. I mean it, Knight. I can handle anything life throws at us. But not this. You need to stay the same Knight I…” I fell in love with. “…I know and care for.”
I couldn’t bring myself to tell him I loved him, and not because of my ego or because I didn’t believe it. But because he was drunk. He was always drunk when we were together, and I wanted to say it for the first time when he was sober.
If he was ever going to be sober. I was seriously starting to doubt that.
He pulled away, staring at me blankly. He looked so tired, so miserable, I wanted to swallow the words back and just let him be.
“Vaughn talked to you?” He squinted.
“No.” Did Vaughn know we were together?
He got up, thoroughly soaped. “I don’t know what to say. I drink occasionally. Who doesn’t?”
“Many people.” I stood up, too. “Me, for instance.”
“As far as I recall, you lost your virginity to someone while completely smashed. I kept mine. For you. So maybe you really shouldn’t be drinking. Me, I’m no lightweight. I can handle my shit pretty good.”
It was like a slap in the face, and he knew it. I took a step back, turning off the water and wrapping myself in a towel. I wasn’t that girl—the chick who was going to stick around in an abusive relationship, even if the guy was the love of my life. I’d seen firsthand what bad relationships could do to you. Valenciana, AKA mommy dearest, had bounced from one millionaire to the other. They’d all abused her—excluding my dad, of course.
“Moonshine.” His voice softened again. He touched my shoulder.
I shook him off. He was mean and hateful, and he was going to stay that way—periodically, of course—until he was sober.
“Get dressed. I’m taking you back to the hospital.” My voice had hardened.
“Baby.”
“Don’t baby me. I’m not your home. People don’t ruin their homes; they build them. They cherish them.”
The ride back to the hospital reminded me of how I used to be before Boon.
Completely silent.
