I watched helplessly as he closed the door, locking me into a room by myself. And slowly, I turned back to the picture of Gage and him on the wall. My heart was torn in two different directions and I felt sick to my stomach with guilt. My trembling fingertips raised up to the glass encasement, fingering Gage’s face softly as tears slid down my cheeks and found their death against my bosom.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered.
Feeling Brooks’ body so tightly close to mine on that bike had given way to thoughts I hadn’t entertained in years. Being in his room like I had been all those years ago, just hanging out and shooting the shit, brought back so many memories that kicked up so many emotions that had never died out. But the second Brooks pulled away from me the way he had, Gage popped up into my mind.
And the guilt I felt almost made me sick.
My hand fell away from the picture and I covered my mouth. My lower lip quivered as sadness and frustration draped over me, weighing me down until I was laying on the bed. I soaked the pillow with silent tears as my heart tore itself into two.
One part of me, dedicated to my late husband.
And the other part of me, dedicated to a man I never stopped loving.
“I’m such a shitty human being,” I said breathlessly.
I squeezed my eyes shut and blocked out the distressed hardwood floors. Gone were the tan-colored walls and blasé decorations, and instead found myself on a private Caribbean island. With the sun hanging high in the sky and the crystal-clear water lapping at my feet, I forced myself to be somewhere better than this.
Somewhere more relaxing than this.
Somewhere more amazing than this.
I wonder if he ever felt the same way.
My eyes flew open the second my mind turned on me. I rolled over onto my stomach, burying my face into the musty pillow. I sighed heavily and let the cotton pillowcase soak up the rest of my tears, then I turned over onto my back.
Planting myself in the middle of the bed as I stared up at the popcorn ceiling.
“So outdated,” I murmured.
My mind didn’t stop, though. Even though I wanted it to forget everything, it kept coming back around. I found myself wondering if that was the reason Brooks suddenly stepped away from me. Did he have feelings for me, too? Was he experiencing the same guilt I felt every time I thought about him?
Was I reading too much into all this shit?
Probably the last one.
I groaned and reached for a pillow before pressing it against my face. I shrieked, letting out all of my emotions in one big, bombastic war cry that made my throat hoarse. I screamed until I had no more voice to scream with. I screamed until I started coughing, and I didn’t stop screaming until the coughing gave way to gagging.
How the hell had I gotten dragged back into this life so quickly?
Maybe you should go get him if you don’t want to be alone.
The thought gave me pause. I let the pillow slip away from my face as I turned the idea over in my mind. If I went to get Brooks, would he come back? Would he keep me company? Would he wrap me up in his arms and hug me until I stopped crying like Gage always did?
Gage.
The guilt returned in a never-ending waterfall that threatened to take me to my knees. I turned over onto my side and curled up into a ball, trying my best not to look as weak as I felt. While I wasn’t sure I wanted to be alone right now, I also wasn’t sure that Brooks was the best candidate for keeping me company. And I wasn’t anywhere near as close to the other guys to ask any one of them to come keep me company. The closest was probably Porter, but even then I only ever saw him during club activities I tagged along to.
Brooks was the only other person of this club—other than Gage—that I saw recreationally, club or no club.
No, I need to be alone right now.
With that deciding voice in my head, I kicked my flats off. I slid beneath the quilted blanket and settled in for an early night, even though my stomach growled for food. I couldn’t stomach the idea of eating. I knew it’d make me sick anyway, with all of these emotions and ideas and thoughts rushing about. So, I let my eyes fall closed so sleep could quickly take me under.
And I found a familiar scene as the darkness swallowed me whole.
“Mind if I take a seat?”
I looked up at the person who owned the suave tenor voice that just hit my ears and found the most amazing pair of hazel eyes staring back at me. They were attached to a clean-shaven face and a jawline that could cut glass. But it was the broad shoulders and big arms that did it for me. The muscles on the man staring down at me made me lick my lips. I almost didn’t see the brown-eyed, bearded man standing just behind him.
But I saw him as well.
And damn it, the two of them were hot as hell.
“Sure, you both can for all I care,” I said.
Hazel Eyes grinned. “The name’s Gage. And you are?”
I held out my hand to usher them to sit. “Raven. It’s nice to meet you.”
Gage sat down and Brown Eyes made him scoot over. “I’m Brooks.”
I shook both of their hands. “Gage and Brooks. Got it.”
Gage laid on a suave smile. “So, what brings a beautiful woman like you into a dive bar like this in the middle of the day?”
I blinked. “The wings?”
Brooks narrowed his eyes. “You in some sort of trouble?”
My eyes turned to the brown-eyed man who just read me like a book. “Actually, a bit. My car broke down on the road and I had just enough velocity to get myself into the parking lot. Figured I’d come in and sit down while my tow truck arrived.”
Brooks grinned. “Well, lucky for you we work on cars.”
Gage piped up. “And bikes, if you’re into that sort of thing.”
I snickered. “Really? You two are mechanics?”
Gage raised his hands. “See these calluses? Wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Brooks kept his serious eyes on me. “What was your car doing before it broke down?”
My eyes fell open and the light was still on. It hurt my eyes and I groaned as I rolled toward the lamp, pulling the plug from the wall. The darkness laid against my body so thickly that I couldn’t even see my own hand in front of my damn face. But the digital clock on the bedside table boasted of the time in thick, red numbers.
Yep. I still needed to be asleep at one in the morning.
So, I closed my eyes and found myself in the midst of yet another dream that felt all-too-familiar.
“Hey there, gorgeous!” Gage exclaimed.
I whipped my head up from my magazine as Gage walked toward me. “Hey there, yourself.”
He sat down beside me. “Thought I recognized your car when it pulled in. Having issues with it still?”
I put my magazine down. “Well, you and Brooks did a great job on it a few weeks back. But that noise came back again.”
“The squeaking one?”
I nodded. “Yeah. Only, it’s at the back of the car now, not the front.”
He chuckled. “Carrying lots of stuff around in that trunk of yours?”
I gasped playfully. “Are you telling me I have a big ass, Mr. Gage?”
He winked. “Only if you’re into that sort of thing.”
I peeked around him. “Is Brooks here, too? I figured maybe you guys could take a look at it together? I’d be more than willing to pay you both for your time.”
He stood to his feet. “Nah, Brooks is off today. But don’t worry; your car’s in good hands.”
I smiled up at him. “I really appreciate it.”
He winked at me. “Anytime. And if I can’t fix your issue today, I’ll work on it tonight after hours so you can get it back ASAP.”
“Really? You’d do that for me?”
He smiled wickedly. “If you let me take you out to dinner one night, yes.”
My eyes eased themselves open again and I looked over at the clock. The memory of Gage asking me out on the date that would change both of our lives haunted me as I saw the clock blinking with a time of midnight at me. I groaned as I eased myself up. We must’ve had another summer storm pass through the area. But even though there were no windows in Brooks’ room, I heard birds chirping outside.
Which meant it was time to get up.
“I promise I will always love you, Gage,” I whispered to myself.
Because despite what I wanted back then, Gage had been a fantastic husband. Despite the fact that I had a much bigger crush on Brooks back then, Gage had been a wonderful confidante and partner to have at my side. I loved him with everything inside of me. Well, mostly everything.
Even I had to admit that a small part of me would always be with that brown-eyed, stoic-faced man who cared more about me being safe than getting in my pants.
