“Here.”
Rieta puts a mug of milky tea into my hands and sits down beside me on the sofa. Her expression is creased with sympathy as she asks, “How are you feeling?”
It’s been three days since Rieta and I stood side by side in her bathroom, staring at the positive pregnancy test. People talk about time standing still when you receive a shock, but it didn’t happen that way for me.
Everything started rushing too fast. Out of my control.
I don’t remember it, but apparently I was screaming, I am going to kill you, Lazzaro Rosetti.
When I came back into myself, I was holding two pieces of the broken test in each hand.
Now, I don’t feel anything. I stare into my cup of tea, wishing for a way to make everything make sense.
“Still not heard anything from Laz?” Rieta asks, glancing at my blank phone screen.
“Nothing,” I whisper bleakly.
Not a goddamn word from the man who knocked me up without my consent.
After Rieta and I left the party, Laz ran out as well. My uncles tried to chase him down, but Laz lost them in some alleyways, and no one’s heard from him since. Rieta told me that Fabrizio Rosetti has been around at Mom’s practically on his knees apologizing for what his baby brother has done. Apparently, Laz isn’t as unreliable, irresponsible, and reckless as we were led to believe.
He’s worse.
But that’s no surprise to me. Anyone who can mess with someone’s birth control while he’s married to someone else must be out of his goddamn mind.
“Mom called again,” Rieta says, almost apologetically.
I flinch as I’m speared with guilt. I’ve received several voicemails from Mom and a dozen messages.
I don’t blame you, darling.
It’s not your fault, it’s mine.
I should never have trusted him in our home.
Lazzaro is a master manipulator.
A cruel man who wanted to humiliate us all for fun.
I’ll never forgive him for what he’s done to you.
I’m so, so sorry.
I’ve been at Rieta’s for three days, too eaten up with shame to face Mom. It would be easier if she were furious with me and screaming for my blood. Her understanding and sympathy are only making me feel worse.
Rieta’s phone vibrates, and then the front doorbell rings. She glances at her phone and sighs. “It’s Mom. I told her to stay away until you were ready.”
“Maybe I should talk to her. I have to face her eventually.” I put down my tea, grab a cushion, and thrust it against my belly. “Oh, God,” I moan.
“Are you feeling sick?”
“Yes, but not because I’m pregnant.” I take a deep breath. “Let her in. I should get this over with.”
“If you’re sure,” Rieta says doubtfully, and goes to open the door.
I’m sitting on the edge of the sofa with my hands clamped on either side of me when Mom comes into the room. Her cheeks are streaked with mascara tears, and she looks pallid without her usual bright lipstick.
“Oh, my poor baby,” she cries, and goes down on her knees before me, capturing my hands in hers. “You dear, sweet child. How could he do this to you?”
It’s hard to look at her like this. She should be yelling and screaming, not being sympathetic toward me. “Mom, please get up off the floor.”
“To be abandoned by a man in your time of need. He’s too cruel. I can’t imagine what you must be feeling.”
“Mom, I’m begging you. Sit down, please.”
Rieta comes to my rescue, helping Mom up and onto the sofa while Mom wails about Laz.
Suddenly, she clenches my hands even tighter, her eyes wild with grief and anger. “Tell me the truth. Did he force you? Did that animal abuse my daughter under my nose?”
I yank my hands from hers. “No! It wasn’t like that.”
But there’s a nagging voice in the back of my mind.
Laz didn’t always ask before he touched you. That first night you found him in your bed, he got his hands all over you and then held you down and forced more orgasms from you.
And when he took your virginity on the hood of his car, he didn’t listen when you tried to tell him to slow down.
He replaced your birth control pills with sugar pills.
Only an abuser would do that.
I made excuses for the things Laz did, but did I overlook his sinister behavior because he’s so handsome and charming?
Mom strokes my hair, her touch loving. “You look scared, darling. Whatever you say about him, I’ll believe you, no questions asked. I’ll hold your hand at the police station and back you up no matter what.”
Over her shoulder, Rieta is chewing her lip, her eyes huge.
It’s what I’ve always wanted, Mom’s unconditional love and support. I see suddenly how I could find my way back into my family’s good graces after my terrible behavior.
Point the finger of accusation at Laz.
Blame everything on the man they are already primed to hate.
Laz was far from an angel, but in my heart I know what I did, and I’m not going to pretend otherwise.
I shake my head. “It wasn’t like that. We’re both to blame for what happened. I knew sleeping with Laz was wrong, but I did it anyway.”
Mom reaches into her oversized handbag and draws out a handful of garments that I recognize with a jolt. “Are you sure? Because I found these in your room.”
Tasha’s lilac wig. Tasha’s see-through high-heeled stripper shoes. Tasha’s white G-string. Seeing those gaudy items in the light of day in my mother’s hands makes me break out in a cold sweat.
“Darling, tell the truth. What did he make you do?”
“Laz didn’t do anything. I bought these ages ago. I was stripping for weeks before you even met him.”
“You were stripping? But why?” Mom’s expression is horrified.
I wish I didn’t have to go into this right now. There’s nothing else to say but the unvarnished truth, so I go ahead and tell her that I took the job because I hated being at home. I wanted to leave as soon as I could.
Mom’s expression turns sour as she listens to me. “You’re protecting Lazzaro. I know you are.”
I take my stripper clothes from her hands and shove them to the other end of the couch behind me. “If you don’t believe me, you can call Peppers. The bouncer Jimmy will tell you everything you want to know.”
“Lazzaro knew about this, though, didn’t he?”
“Mom, you’re a broken record. Not everything is about Laz.”
“Did he ever come to the club?”
That’s private. That’s just between me and Laz. But he stripped all my defenses away when he disappeared, and even though I want to tell Mom it’s none of her business, she can see the truth as clear as day on my face. “Just once, but—”
Mom shoots to her feet and cries in outrage, “Did he pay you to dance for him?”
“He . . . I . . .” Tears are brimming on my lashes. Furious tears of hurt and pain.
How could you leave me behind to face this on my own, Laz?
Where are you?
Rieta pulls Mom back from me so I have space to breathe again. “That’s enough, Mom. Leave Mia alone.”
“I’m just trying to talk to my own daughter about—”
But Rieta’s not having it. “Give her a break. She’s pregnant, remember? Everyone, just take a moment to calm down. Would you like some coffee, Mom?”
Mom says yes, but she doesn’t go with Rieta. She stands over me, staring at me in cold, furious silence.
Laz promised me that no one would die because of his plan, but if I ever get my hands on him, I think I’m going to kill him.
Once Rieta hands Mom her coffee and sits down with us, Mom opens her handbag and pulls out a sheaf of documents.
“What are those?” Rieta asks.
“My divorce papers.”
“They’re not much use if you can’t find Laz,” Rieta points out.
“I’ll sign them, and then I’ll hand them over to a private detective who’ll track Lazzaro down. I can’t wait to have that man completely out of my life forever. It’s going to feel wonderful.” She toys with the papers and then glances at me. “What about you, Mia?”
“What about me?”
“Don’t you think we should do something about getting rid of Lazzaro from your life?”
“He’s very much not in my life, if you haven’t noticed,” I snap. If I did see him, what would I say to him?
Probably just scream at him.
Then a lot more screaming.
But after that?
I have no idea.
“No, darling. I mean . . .” Mom glances at my belly.
“The baby? What about the baby?”
“Don’t you think you should . . .” She delicately raises an eyebrow.
My confusion clears, and realizing what she means, I reply coldly, “I’m keeping my baby.”
“Shouldn’t you think about this?” Mom asks.
I don’t need to think. It doesn’t matter what Laz did or how he tricked me, this baby is here, and it’s mine.
Mom glances at Rieta, hoping for an ally, but Rieta looks on the verge of tears. Mom should know better than to have this conversation in front of her.
“Mia, this isn’t a decision you should make too quickly.”
“I’ve made up my mind. If you have anything else to say, let’s talk about it later.” I glance at my sister, who’s wiping tears from her cheeks.
“It’s okay, Mia. Promise.” Rieta gives me a quick, unhappy smile.
It’s not okay. Poor Rieta wants more than anything to have a baby, and now I’m sitting in her house, pregnant without even trying, while Mom tries to convince me to get rid of it. Why is the universe so cruel?
“You’re going to let that man go on manipulating you even after he’s disappeared?” Mom asks. “He’s punishing both of us. He found out my greatest mistake and he’s forcing you to repeat it.”
My hands clench in my lap. “I’m your greatest mistake?”
Mom presses her lips together. “Don’t be dramatic, darling. You know what I mean.”
I know exactly what she means. She regretted having me, and I just have to live with that pain because she won’t let me forget.
I’m not my mother. I’m me. I want this baby, and I’ll never regret this child or make him or her think for one second—for one fraction of a second—that they’re unwanted or unloved.
I wrap my arms around my stomach and hold on tight. There’s only one thing I’m certain about in this shitty situation. This is my baby, and no one’s taking them away from me.
“Stop being so selfish, Mia,” Mom scolds. “A baby is supposed to be a cause for joy, not something conceived furtively while one of the parents is having an affair. You were born out of wedlock and my shameful behavior has been a stain on your existence ever since. Look me in the eye and tell me that’s not true.”
I turn and face her, meeting her gaze without flinching. “I’m perfectly aware that’s true. You could have done so much to protect me from that pain, and you chose not to. Actually, you’re the one who inflicted most of it.”
We glare at each other in silence.
“I know you don’t like me very much, Mia. I haven’t been the most loving mother over the years, but please think carefully about what you’re going to do next. Do you really want to turn into me?”
I can’t help the fact that my child will be born into a family that will despise their existence. To them, this child will always be second class and hated.
But not to me.
“I’ll never be like you,” I whisper.
Mom stands up and puts her divorce papers back in her handbag, but she has to have the final word.
“You’re young, Mia. You have your whole life ahead of you. Think very carefully about what happens next, because once this is done, it can never be undone.”
