“ARE you sure you don’t want to talk about it?” Lark asks from where she sits under a blue knit blanket across from me on my balcony.
When I didn’t attend the English class we share for the second time this week, she showed up at my door with a bottle of white wine and a family-sized bag of potato chips. I didn’t have to say a word for her to know what happened. One look at my face had her placing her things on the floor in front of her and her arms wrapping around my shoulders. I didn’t realize how badly I needed that hug until I buried my head in her shoulder.
“What did he do?” she asked, rubbing my back, but I couldn’t answer her.
How can I put into words what that night was like? It was an assault on my body and emotions, and it’s taken me the last five days to recover. It physically hurts my soul that he made me hate him. He’s always been the one person I couldn’t hate, but when he stood there with his arm on my throat and his knife on my chest, he was a monster I didn’t recognize.
This whole time, I’ve been trying to remember that somewhere buried beneath his rage and grief is the boy I gave my heart to. That somewhere inside him, the boy who told me to be patient with him because he is bad with emotions still exists. As he screamed in my face, I started to lose faith that I would ever see that boy again.
It was my tipping point, and it not only broke my heart, but it made me say the one thing I promised myself I never would. I hate you.
Three words have never been harder to say. They tasted like poison on my tongue and felt like nails in my throat but saying them did something to him. The dark fog that had been clinging to him like a lethal shadow parted. Like clouds allowing the sun to break through, I saw a glimmer of the boy I once knew.
And that’s when I knew I couldn’t give up on him. Not yet. It would be the safest and easiest thing for me to do, but no one else is around anymore to fight for him. I’m the last one standing. I’m not sure if this makes me reckless or delusional.
Rafferty is broken, but I’m just as damaged and sick as he is because I still love him with every fiber of my being. That tiny glimpse I got when his anger lifted only further confirmed those feelings.
I sigh, leaning my head back against the cushioned chair. “Loving someone you know is bad for you is a special kind of hell.”
The rain that’s been falling is our soundtrack for the afternoon. The distant thunder brings me a sense of comfort. I love when the weather matches my mood, makes me feel like the universe understands what I’m going through.
Lark takes a big drink of wine and nods her head. “Yes. Yes, it is.”
I raise a brow, silently asking her to elaborate but she waves me off with her hand.
“It’s not something I’m ready to talk about.”
Not one to push for information, I let her keep her secrets. “It seems we both have a lot we can’t talk about.”
“Well, I’m not talking about mine to protect myself. Who are you protecting by keeping your secrets?”
“The same people I always have,” I answer over my wineglass. “It’s not easy. It’s getting harder to lie.” And Rafferty is finally starting to see through them. I almost broke the other night, but, by the grace of God, I was able to remain in control. “Being the villain is a lot easier when you don’t have to look your victims in the eye.”
Seeing Pax like that was horrific. When he asked me to stay with him, all I wanted to do was crawl into bed beside him and hold his hand like I used to, but Raff never would have allowed it. The despondent look in his glossy eyes when I told him no was one of my hardest moments. And his apologies… If Rafferty hadn’t been there, I think I would have fallen to the ground and bawled my eyes out, but I couldn’t let him see how they affected me. He can’t know the meaning behind them.
The whole long night was hard and draining. My soul ached more than my muscles. The ride home in Rafferty’s Mercedes SUV, I could barely see the lines in the road through my tears. I walked into the apartment and into my room. Where I landed on my bed is where I stayed for the next sixteen hours. I didn’t bother changing out of my leotard or his jacket I’d found in the car. Surrounded by his scent, I tried to dream of our happier times.
I wish I could say I was successful.
“Have you figured out if you’re doing more harm than good by keeping up these lies?” Lark asks. “Maybe it’s time for you to tell Rafferty the truth. Whatever that truth may be.”
I wish I could. “My lies are protecting secrets that aren’t mine to tell.”
She stares at me with a sad smile. “What you’re doing… I hope you know how selfless you are, Posie. If I ever have a secret, I know it’ll be safe with you.”
I laugh at this, but it sounds sad even to my ears. “I appreciate the faith you have in me, but if I have to keep another person’s secret, it might put me in an early grave. I’m hanging on by a fucking thread over here.”
Reaching across the small side table between our chairs, Lark takes my hand in hers. “I wish I could do more to help you.”
I squeeze her hand and hold up the wineglass. “This is helping me. I know I can only tell you so much but being able to talk to you has made me feel a lot less alone.”
“You’re not alone. I’m here for you. If you ever decide you want to get it all off your chest, I’m here to listen, and if Rafferty continues to be a supermassive dick, I’ll kick him in the balls and slash the tires of all his dumb expensive cars.”
I can’t help it, I completely lose it hearing her say this. It’s just so out of character for her. Lark has a quiet and almost demure elegance about her. It’s a persona that’s been instilled in her since birth by her stiff politician parents. Her father, who is very likely to be the next leader of the free world, would be appalled to hear that his daughter is willing to be a vandal on my behalf. Her mom would stand behind him clutching her ever-present string of pearls.
“You’re not as prim and proper as you want the world to believe, are you?” I joke, still laughing.
She shrugs at me before taking another sip of her wine. “We all have roles to play, don’t we?” Lark says it with a nonchalance that would sound believable if I weren’t looking at her. The sad look in her deep blue eyes tells a different story.
I don’t get the chance to ask her anything about it because the sliding glass door behind us is slowly pulled open and Zadie’s head pops out. Her wavy dark hair is pulled up into a knot on top of her head with tendrils framing her face. There isn’t a stitch of makeup on her face and she’s only wearing a hoodie and leggings. This appearance is entirely not like her. She doesn’t leave the apartment without at least mascara and blush on.
“Are you okay?” I ask, turning in my chair so I can look at her better. “I haven’t seen you in a while.”
As if she’s nervous, another behavior that is unlike her, she crosses her arms tightly in front of her and shifts on her feet. “Yeah, I went to see my mom.” Her green eyes flick to Lark and then back to me. “Can I talk to you? Alone?”
Stomach pulling into a knot as my nerves are kicked up, I nod at her warily. “Sure…”
Lark gives a subtle shrug when I glance at her, silently indicating she has no idea what’s going on. Leaving her on the balcony, I follow Zadie into the apartment.
Zadie, who’s usually one of the most confident people I know, rocks back and forth on her feet in front of the velvet sofa. “I have to tell you something,” she blurts when I close the glass door behind me.
“Okay…” I drawl, slowly approaching the sitting area. “Is this like a ‘I need to sit down’ moment, or can I stand?”
“Sit,” she instructs, but right when I’m about to reach the sofa, she changes her mind. “No wait, you can stand. Actually, you can do whatever you’re comfy with. I really don’t know if there’s a right or wrong choice here.”
Deciding I’d rather stand, I raise my brows at her. “You’re starting to freak me out. What’s going on?”
She releases a big sigh as she scrubs a hand down her face.
“Zadie,” I press when she continues to hesitate.
“A little less than a year ago, my dad got in trouble. He was drinking and driving on his way home from the hospital. He was pulled over and got a DUI. The medical board almost took his license but ultimately decided against it. It didn’t really matter though because the hospital he’s worked at for almost two decades fired him as their chief of general surgery and he lost his place on their board.”
I knew Zadie’s father was a surgeon at the big hospital in Seattle, but I didn’t know this. That being said, I don’t know why she feels I need to know this. “That’s really unfortunate, Zadie. I’m sorry that happened, but I don’t understand what that has to do with me…”
“I promise I’m getting to that part, just let me finish,” she pleads. “Dad had made some bad investments and lost a lot of money. When he was fired, he couldn’t get hired at any of the other hospitals because of the DUI being on his record. He was starting to lose hope and was considering filing for bankruptcy when Rafferty showed up…”
Oh shit. Now I can see where this is going.
“Rafferty pulled his strings and got your dad a job,” I guess.
She nods, the curly bun on her head bouncing. “Yeah, but not at a hospital. At the prison upstate. It’s the one where…”
My stomach drops. “Where his father is.”
“Yes,” she confirms. “But you know Rafferty. You know how he works. His favors aren’t free. In exchange for getting my dad a job, he wanted something in return. From me.”
I know I’m not going to like the answer, but I still ask as dread moves like a mist through me. “What did you do, Zadie?”
Her jaw wobbles and her voice cracks when she starts to speak again. “When my dad couldn’t find a job, he started to give up and drink a lot. I know what he did was wrong, and he could have really hurt someone, but he’s still my dad, you know? I wanted to help him, so when Rafferty told me he’d get my dad the job if I did favors for him, I agreed. It all seemed like easy stuff at first. He paid off my old roommate to move out, and then had me post a listing on all the school message boards so you’d see it. He dropped the rent price and is paying the difference so you could afford to live here. All I had to do was accept your application, and once you got here, he told me to befriend you. That was the easiest part out of all of it because you were instantly likable. Which made it even harder to pressure you into going to that party. I started to catch on that things really weren’t good between you two when I saw how jumpy you were and how angry he seemed once you got on campus. I knew he had something planned for the party, but he demanded I get you there. I know it sounds like a lie to stand here and tell you that I didn’t have a choice, but it’s the truth.”
It all makes so much sense now and I’m honestly embarrassed I hadn’t put two and two together until now. The way everything fell into place with ease should have raised red flags. I think I was just grateful that things seemed to be going my way for the first time in a while and couldn’t see anything else.
Exhaling a long breath, I look at my roommate. “I know it’s the truth because I know how Rafferty operates. If you didn’t do what he asked, he would have made things ten times worse for you and your dad.”
“I thought I would be okay doing his favors, but then I saw him carrying your unconscious body out to his car at the party and I knew I was wrong. I didn’t know how to lie to you or face you after that.” Her arms cross and uncross anxiously, like she’s full of restless energy.
“Well, that at least explains why you’ve been avoiding me for weeks,” I remark jokingly, but my lightheartedness does little to make her calm down. The look on her face still looks like she’s bracing for me to yell at her for her deceit. “Zadie, I’m not mad at you. If you didn’t do what he wanted, he would have found someone else that would. As weird as it sounds, I’m glad it was you because he could have set me up with an actual psycho and that would have sucked. Instead, he gave me you, and you, at least, were honest about what happened.”
“How can you not be mad at me?” Her mouth gapes in shock. “You don’t even seem like you’re mad at him. He drugged you!”
“Funnily enough, that’s not even the worst thing he did that night.” I laugh at my own inside joke but stop when her eyes look like they’re going to fall out of her head. “Sorry, I guess that might only be funny to me.” Have I completely fucking lost it that I’m laughing at this shit now?
“I don’t understand you guys.”
“That makes two of us,” I sigh. “Rafferty and I … share a complicated and ugly past. There’s a lot of turbulent water under that bridge, but…”
“But?”
“But I don’t know how to let him go,” I admit. “He’s vicious and callous, but it’s because he’s in pain. I have to keep reminding myself of that when he lashes out and loses control.”
She shakes her head in disbelief. “I don’t know how you can deal with it.”
“He once told me that he was going to mess up, and he made me promise I would be patient with him when he did. He really messed up this week and I should walk away because of it, but I’ve broken one too many of my promises to him already. I don’t want to do the same with this one.”
Even if it’s really fucking hard.
STARTLED AND STILL HALF ASLEEP, I fly up in bed when someone shakes my arm. Dazed, it takes me a second to comprehend they’re also whispering my name.
“Posie.”
Blinking hard, trying to get myself to focus on what’s happening, I turn toward the person standing next to my bed.
“Zadie?” I ask groggily. “What’s going on?” My hand blindly reaches for my cell phone on my nightstand, and when I see the ungodly time, I’m even more confused. “It’s two in the morning.”
“Yeah, I’m aware.” She sounds as tired as I feel. “It’s a really shitty time for guests, but it appears we have one. Or you have one, I guess. Their knocking woke me up.”
“Guests?” I repeat, my sluggish brain struggling to keep up with what’s happening. Lark and I finished the bottle of wine she brought, and when Zadie joined us on the balcony, we opened another one. I think I might still be a little drunk and it’s not helping me comprehend any of this. “Who’s here?” I pause, my chest seizing. “Is Rafferty here?”
I’m not sure I’m ready to be in the same room with him yet. While I’m not giving up on him, he did scare the absolute shit out of me last week. I’m still recovering and need time to get my head and heart straight again.
“Nope, it’s not him. It’s Baby Wilde and he looks rough,” she shocks me by saying. “Like, he looks like he should be in the ER and not standing in my kitchen. I say standing loosely since he’s kinda leaning…”
Paxton.
Suddenly very awake and on alert, I spring from the bed and push past Zadie. I fly out of my room, and the door Zadie had left cracked hits the wall with a thud when I throw it open. The only light out here comes from the salt lamp Zadie keeps plugged in on the kitchen counter. Through the dim lighting and shadows, I can see his lanky figure leaning against the front door.
Hearing me approaching, Pax lifts his head. His hair, which is longer on top, falls onto his forehead and in his eyes. He’s wearing dark clothes, but in this lighting, I can’t tell what color they are. My guess is black. Both brothers have always had an aversion to color.
“Pax?” I whisper, reaching for his face. His skin is clammy against my fingers.
“I shouldn’t have come here.” His voice is clearer than it was the other night, but it’s still slurred. This close, I can smell the alcohol on his breath. “I just didn’t want to be alone.”
Heart breaking, I wrap my arms around him and hold on for dear life. He hesitates a second, as if he’s not sure he’s still allowed to do the same, but after a moment, his tense muscles relax and he hugs me back. He presses his head to my shoulder, and I feel his breath hitch as he does.
“It’s okay. You’re not alone,” I assure him, speaking into his chest. “I’m right here. I’ve got you.”
“Can I stay here tonight?” he asks. “I’m so tired, and the nightmares… They’ve been bad lately.”
Telling him no isn’t an option. I’ve already done that once this past week and I refuse to hurt him like that again. If Rafferty is going to take issue with it, then that will be his problem to figure out and not mine.
Taking his bigger hand in mine, I pull away from him and turn to leave the kitchen. Standing in front of her bedroom door is Zadie. Her eyes are full of concern and skepticism. I don’t have to ask to know she’s worried about how Raff will react. It’s not only my dad’s comfort that’s on the line, but also hers. I’m not as worried about word getting back to Rafferty as I am about word spreading about Pax’s vulnerable state. We are the only ones who need to know how he’s struggling. It’s no one else’s business.
Pax follows behind me, silently letting me lead him toward my room. As I pass Zadie, I tell her, “Don’t tell anyone about this.”
She nods in understanding. “Yell if you need help with anything.”
She was right about Pax being in rough shape, but while I know the alcohol and pills are playing a factor, so is his lack of sleep. If he’s still like he used to be, he’ll crash after a few minutes and be dead to the world for hours. Not even a tornado could wake him back then and I’m hoping it’s the same now.
