I DON’T KNOW how long I’ve been lying here, my head on his shoulder, while he traces circles down my spine, but it’s been long enough for the wind to change direction and my skin to grow cold from the constant rainy breeze.
Rafferty must feel me shiver against him because his hand smooths down my back. “You’re freezing. Let’s go back inside.” He tries to sit up, but I don’t move with him. If anything, I tighten my hold. “Baby, seriously, you have goose bumps.”
The return of him calling me such an endearing name has heat flashing through me and a twinge of fear echoing in my bones. Tonight feels like a turning point, but I’m terrified the change is only temporary, and he’ll wake up in the morning and remember he thinks I betrayed him. That he still hates me. And that’s why I cling to him and am reluctant to move. I don’t want this moment to end.
He didn’t have to say the words aloud. I heard him in the gentleness of his touch and look in his cold eyes. Those actions are the closest thing to an apology that Rafferty is capable of right now. He knows he went too far last week with the gun in my face and then the knife. I also know why he was behaving the way he was, but that doesn’t mean it still didn’t scare the absolute shit out of me.
I know him well enough to know the tenderness he’s shown tonight won’t last. This isn’t him. He’s rough and demanding, and I enjoy that about him. I just don’t want the hostility that’s clung to him like a toxic cloud to return. I don’t want the barbed wire walls to erect between us again. It’s wishful thinking, but I’m going to hold on to this sliver of light like it’s my lifeline back to him.
“Just a minute longer.”
He doesn’t listen to my request. Taking matters into his own hands, he holds me under my thighs and stands from the chair with surprising ease. My arms snake around his neck instinctually to keep myself from falling even though I know he won’t drop me.
Biting back a smile, I tease, “Now you’re just showing off.”
He hardly makes a sound, but I know he’s chuckling by the way his bare chest slightly shakes against mine. It’s a small victory that has my heart soaring. I used to be able to make him laugh with hardly any effort, and it’s now my goal to do so again. That is, if he’ll let me.
He doesn’t put me down until we quietly enter my bedroom again. With a look over his shoulder, I check on Pax. I feel a little guilty for leaving him, but it doesn’t look like he’s moved an inch since we left the room. If it weren’t for the fact I can hear his heavy breathing from across the room, I would be going over there to check on him. Whatever combination of alcohol and pills that are in his system makes me nervous. All it would take is one too many pills to do something irreversible like Mollie did.
Feet back on the carpet, I hold on to Rafferty’s sides and nod toward my bathroom door. “I need to shower and get back to him.”
He stares at his brother’s sleeping form, brows pulled in worry. “I know he gets nightmares. I’ve heard him screaming in the middle of the night, but he’s never told me what he dreams about. Has he told you?”
“No, he hasn’t.” And that’s the truth. I have a fairly good idea, but Pax has never gone into detail about what monsters occupy his dreams. “All I know is it helps him when he doesn’t have to sleep alone.” Looking at the ground, hands flexing nervously on his warm skin, I quietly add, “He needs help, Raff. More help than either of us can give him.”
I’d hoped that one day Pax would open up to his brother, and they’d be able to get him the help he needed together. It’s clear he’s still carrying the weight of it all alone and it’s slowly killing him in the process. I tried to talk to him about getting the proper help when we were sixteen, but he wasn’t open to it, and I didn’t push him. Couldn’t push him. I fully understood and respected it was something he would have to deal with at his own pace. He made me promise I’d never tell a soul and it’s a secret I will take to my grave no matter what.
“I know,” Rafferty solemnly responds a tense moment later.
I don’t want to push Pax, but I can’t sit back and let him self-medicate. There has to be a way to help him without forcing him to admit something he’s not ready to.
Raising onto my tippy-toes, I press my lips to his stubbly jaw. “We’ll figure it out.”
I’m not sure if Rafferty wants my help, but I’m still letting him know I’m here.
Letting him go, I head to the bathroom to take a quick shower. I don’t know if he plans on joining me, so I leave the door unlocked just in case.
It’s not until I’ve stepped under the hot spray of water minutes later that I hear him enter. My heart pounds wildly in my chest when he steps into the shower behind me and pushes my wet hair aside so he can kiss my neck.
His dick poking me in my back has me giggling. “Again?”
“I’m making up for lost fucking time.” He sucks my skin, no doubt adding to the collection of hickeys I’ll have in the morning.
Rafferty repositions us so his back is to the spray and my hands are on the white-tiled wall. The only reason I don’t cry out as he pushes inside of me is because he wisely shoves his fingers in my mouth. The only sound I can manage to make is a gurgling, gagging sound. He growls in my ear when I sink my teeth into his flesh, but I know he likes it. He picks up speed and pounds violently into me, ensuring I’m going to feel him every time I move a muscle tomorrow.
