SIXTEEN YEARS OLD
IT’S ALMOST one in the morning and someone is knocking on our front door. My dad’s heavy footsteps come from the hallway as I fly ungracefully out of bed. People don’t just show up at your house at this time for a social call. They show up because something is wrong.
In the dark, I blindly search the chair in my room where my clean clothes go to die and grab the first sweatshirt my fingers touch. I’ve barely yanked it over my head before I’m leaving my room and heading toward the front door where my dad already is.
Dressed in a pair of plaid boxers and a gray T-shirt, his stocky frame blocks whoever stands at our doorway. My arms fold in front of me as I approach from behind. The sound of a late summer rainstorm outside fills my ears the closer I get.
“Dad?” I ask, moving forward another small step. “What’s going on?”
He stares a moment longer at whoever is at our door before he turns to me. “It’s for you.”
I can only make out a head of dark hair, and at first, I think it’s Rafferty standing there, but when Dad shifts out of the way and the light illuminates his face, I find it’s not my boyfriend.
“Pax?”
There’s something more alarming about Pax being here than Raff. If he’s here, he went through a lot of trouble to do so. He still only has his driver’s permit and doesn’t have a car. Not only did he break the law to show up here, but he also stole one of his parents’ cars too.
I dash toward him, and the closer I get, the clearer the look on his face is. It’s that same despondent look he’s had for the past year that I’ve asked him about a hundred times, but tonight it’s different. Tonight, it’s a heartbreaking sight. My best friend, with tears running out of his blue eyes, looks broken.
I reach for him, but he backs away from me before I can touch him. “Pax… what’s wrong?” I question, heart in my throat.
He looks between me and where my dad stands. “I’m sorry…” He swallows hard, fighting a sob. “I know it’s late, but I didn’t know where else to go. I’m sorry I woke you up, Mr. Davenport.”
Dad shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it, kiddo. Why don’t you come on inside and out of the rain.” He gestures Pax inside with his hand, and after a moment of reluctance, Pax steps inside.
Turning away, Dad walks away from us toward the living room. He snags the beige woven blanket off the back of the leather armchair and hands it to me.
Pax stands like a statue as I wrap it around his damp shoulders. He reaches up to hold both sides, pulling it tighter around him. I can’t figure out if his hands are trembling from being cold or with fear. Something in my gut tells me it’s the latter.
“Pax, do you need a glass of water or anything?” Dad asks. There’s a worried look on his face as he examines my friend. We both know something is really wrong, but neither one of us is going to rush Pax into speaking. I’ll sit with him all night in silence if that’s what he needs me to do.
“No, sir.”
Dad shifts back a step, hesitating to leave us alone. “I’m going to go to the kitchen and make some coffee. Holler if you need anything.” He’s not actually going to drink coffee—not at this hour. This is his way of telling us that he’ll be awake if we need his help.
He’s never liked Pax being in my room even though he knows there’s nothing romantic between us, but tonight, as I lead Pax down the hallway, Dad doesn’t question it.
Once inside, I close the door behind us and go across the room to turn on the little lamp I have on my dresser. It’s not the brightest lamp, but it casts enough light that we’ll be able to see each other.
“Do you want to sit?” I ask, shifting toward my full-size bed.
Pax just silently nods and follows my lead, stiffly climbing onto the bed next to me. We both sit with our backs against the simple white-wood headboard in complete silence. After a minute or so, he pulls his knees up to his chest, and rests his head there. I’ve lost count of how many times we’ve shared a bed over the many months since his nightmares started. The only time I sleep alone anymore is when I’m sleeping in my own bed at my house.
Sleeping alone is something I’m going to need to get used to and fast. Three months ago, I got my acceptance letter into the performing arts boarding school in Boston.
During the last few weeks of summer break, I will be packing all my stuff and moving across the country on my own. Transferring into two new schools this close together isn’t ideal, and I was this close to turning down my spot, but Rafferty convinced me I needed to go. He knew how important my dream was to me, and he also knew the biggest reason I’d want to stay in Washington was for him. Leaving my dad and the only home I’ve ever known will be hard, but leaving Raff behind is borderline painful.
Rafferty’s reassurance and grand plan are the only reasons I’m going through with it. He has one year left at Hemlock Hill before he graduates. With his grades and his last name, he can get into any school he wants. His plan right now is to move to New York first and get a place for us. He’ll start school at NYU, and the following school year, I’ll join him in New York when I’m at Juilliard. It’ll only be a four-hour train ride or one-hour flight to get to each other in the meantime. While I’m skeptical, he has full faith that I’ll get a scholarship to my dream college.
His plan has always been to attend the top private college here in Seattle. That way he’ll be close to the headquarters of his family’s business, and he can learn the ropes there while getting his degree. There’s a very small piece of me that feels guilty that he’d change his plans for me, but the bigger part of me is ecstatic to get him away from his father’s reach.
Now, we’ve just got to find a way to convince Pax to come with us. It wouldn’t feel right leaving him here alone. What would happen to him when Raff is no longer here to be Adrian’s punching bag?
There’s an inch of space between Pax and me, and I’m careful not to cross it. The way he pulled away from me at the door tells me he doesn’t want to be touched right now and I want to respect that.
“We can sit here for as long as you need,” I whisper my promise to him. “Just know I’m here to listen when you’re ready.”
He turns his head on his knee so he can look at me. “I… I don’t know how to say it.”
“That’s okay.” I snuggle down farther on the bed, getting comfortable. “I’ll wait here until you figure it out, and if you don’t figure it out tonight, that’s okay too. There’s no rush. I’m not going anywhere.”
He reaches for my hand and intertwines our fingers, but my chest aches when he turns away from me.
We stay like this, the only sound in the room coming from the rain hitting my window, until the clock changes from one, to two, and finally to three a.m. In those silent hours, he stops shaking and some of the tension eases from his body. Outside my door, my dad is still moving around, waiting for us to tell him if we need him to step in.
There’s this knowing feeling in my bones that we will. It’s the same kind of gut feeling I’ve had all this time telling me something has been going on with Pax. Even when he’s repeatedly denied it, I knew. I just wish he felt he could have told me sooner.
My air locks in my chest when he finally turns back to me and speaks. “My dad is hurting Rafferty.”
“I know,” I choke out, throat burning.
Every time a new round scar appears on Rafferty’s back, I want to march into my dad’s station, hand him the video I took, and report Adrian. The only thing stopping me is Rafferty’s fear about Mollie. I don’t know if I could live with myself if I got Adrian sent to jail and Mollie did something to herself because of it. That’s a weight I’m certain my shoulders couldn’t bear.
Paxton sits up straighter in bed. “You do?”
“He made me promise not to tell anyone. He thinks he’s protecting you and your mom by allowing it to keep happening. I’ve begged him to let me help, but he’s adamant that he can take it.” But I don’t know how much longer he can. Every time he comes out of his dad’s office with new marks on his back, I can see the shift of darkness in his eyes. It’s starting to change him.
The next three words that fall from his mouth will haunt me the rest of my life. I’m not sure if there will be a night that I don’t fall asleep hearing them echo in my head.
“But I can’t,” he says so quietly I barely hear him. “I can’t take it anymore.”
My blood is like ice in my veins and my heart shatters for my best friend. “Pax…” I hoarsely say his name and trail off, unsure of what else I can say. I’m sorry doesn’t seem like enough.
Pax’s legs stretch in front of him and his head hangs to his chest. He pulls his hand away from mine and rests it in his lap. “I know Rafferty lets our dad hurt him because he thinks if he does, Dad will stay away from me. For a long time that worked, until one night it didn’t.”
“Does he—” I swallow the emotion clogging my throat. I don’t want to cry. Not now when Paxton needs me to be strong for him. When I’m alone, I’ll cry for my best friend, until then, Pax is my concern. “Does he use his belt on you too?”
My stomach turns to stone when he shakes his head. “No. Not anymore.”
“What…”
The rest of my question is silenced when Pax turns on the bed and lifts his shirt, exposing his back. Across the top of his shoulders and scattered across his shoulder blades are bite marks. All but one of them is healed. A new one on his shoulder still has fresh blood around it. This happened recently, and now I’m thinking it’s the catalyst for why he showed up at our door tonight.
“Oh my god.”
Without thinking, I reach out to touch one of the pale scars but stop myself when I realize what I’m doing. Dropping my hands to my lap, I ball them so tightly my nails dig into my palms.
Pulling his shirt down, he turns back around, putting his back to the headboard once more. He can’t look at me when he talks. “I’ve tried so hard, Posie, to bear it like Rafferty does. I want to be strong for Mom too, but I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to hurt her. I swear I don’t.” The entire bed shakes when he chokes on a sob. “I need help. I can’t… I can’t have him trap me in his office or come into my room anymore.”
“He comes into your room?”
It clicks. The source of his nightmares comes from a literal monster under his bed. Only, this monster wears his father’s face. The pain that’s resided in his eyes has been telling me that this whole time. How could I have missed it?
He wipes his face as more tears fall. “He didn’t at first, but then he started to show up there a lot. I tried to tell him to leave, but he didn’t like that. He’d make it hurt worse if I said anything, so I just stayed quiet and let him…” The sob that escapes his lips is like a thousand painful paper cuts to my soul.
I have to take several steadying breaths before I can speak. “Pax, did he…” I trail off, unable to say the actual words.
At Pax’s solemn nod, I let the tears forming in my eyes fall and my stomach rolls with nausea. How could a father do this to their child?
Holding his head in his hands, his shoulders shake as he cries. “I never wanted him to be there, but he never listened to me. He’d laugh at me.”
“I know, Pax.” Reaching for him, I lay my hand on his shoulder. If he pushes me away, I’ll let him, but I need to let him know I’m here for him. The second I touch him, he turns into me and wraps his arms around me. He buries his head in my shoulder and cries. “He never should have been there, and it is not your fault that he was.”
I don’t know if he understands what I’m saying yet, but nonetheless, I need to say it to him. I’ll say it over and over again until I run out of air if I need to just so he will know none of this is his fault. It’s that heinous monster Adrian’s.
“I need help,” he repeats into my shoulder. “But how do I make it stop without telling everyone what he’s done to me? I don’t want anyone to know. You can’t tell anyone, P. You have to fucking promise me you won’t tell anyone.” He pulls back so I can look in his face as he grabs hold of my hands in a death grip. “I can’t… I just can’t do it, but I don’t know how else to make him go away.”
I do. My stomach rolls and the nausea intensifies to the point that I’m starting to sweat. Since that night when I watched Adrian’s belt come down on Rafferty’s back, I told myself I wouldn’t be able to betray him or put Mollie’s declining mental health at further risk. I told myself I couldn’t live with the consequences, but now that I know what is happening to Paxton under that roof, I’d rather face those consequences than allow Adrian to continue to abuse his child. Allowing this to go on any longer when I have a video sitting in an unmarked file on my computer that can send Adrian away for years isn’t a fucking option.
I know without a doubt that this will always be the hardest decision I’ll ever have to make, and I know what I’ll be losing by doing it, but I also know who I’ll be saving.
My heart will be broken, and Rafferty will hate me, but Paxton will be safe and that’s all that matters in the end.
“No one will ever know because I know how to help you.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, I do.” I just have to betray the promise I made to Rafferty so I can keep yours. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him close before whispering, “I promise, Pax. I’ll always protect your secret.” No matter the cost.
