I AM QUIET DURING OUR DINNER.
The walk home with Bazur was strange. I thanked Zarod for telling me what he did, and he told me not to mention it to Bazur. He didn’t understand why Bazur hadn’t shared that with me.
Indeed, it’s not a secret. Everyone here knows, so why would he keep that from me? Why would he have kept all of this from me? If I had known what Bazur was to these humans, I could have asked him about my brother a week ago. I was sent as an emissary but things have changed since I first arrived. Could he not have used that time to tell me the truth about this place?
I had been so eager to see him tonight, to expose my truth and to finally share with him how I felt and see if maybe he felt the same. But now, all I am is unsure as I sit in my usual seat at the table.
On one hand there’s Bazur, keeper of the human safe haven and protector of humans. On the other there is Bazur, Vorgak’s son and follower to the king. They don’t look alike; Bazur’s eyes have none of his father’s cruelty.
He made sure to keep me in the dark and he clearly told the people of this village to do the same. That’s not very kind. I have my secrets, but Bazur has plenty of his own. His distrust upset me before, but now it just pisses me off.
How dare he demand my truth when he was holding something like this back?
“Why are you glaring at your green beans?” Bazur asks, his eyes gentle on my face. An expression I would’ve welcomed just this morning. I can’t see past his secret though. His father threatened me. It’s clear Bazur doesn’t share his father’s ideologies on humans, but he still could’ve told me.
Meeting his gaze, I realize I can’t stew on this any longer. He didn’t tell me. Maybe he would have eventually but Zarod beat him to it. There has been so much truth today, so much honesty, and I want this secret out in the open.
With the truth out between us perhaps there’s still a chance for me to ask for his help in locating my brother. Perhaps even a chance for me to tell him that I like him, even if the thought of doing so makes my knees shake.
“Zarod came to see me today,” I say. Bazur grunts and takes a bite of his roast meat.
“The idiot broke them punching a tree.”
“Why was he punching a tree?” I ask but Bazur only shrugs as if to say, It’s Zarod.
I swallow and set my fork down as I look at him. “He told me that Vorgak is your father.”
The metal spoon in Bazur’s hand bends as he squeezes it. The soft expression on his face is replaced with a fury I’ve never seen before. I watch as hot rage simpers in his gaze and he rises from the table, his chair clattering to the floor behind him.
“I’m going to fucking kill him,” he growls and I scramble in front of him. I brace my hands on his large chest to stop him from moving toward the door. His muscles are so tense and hot under my palms. I feel his heart racing in his chest, the vibrations of it travel up my arm and into my own heart.
“Bazur stop,” I grunt, planting my feet to thwart his movements. “Zarod didn’t do anything wrong, he just told me the truth.”
“He had no right telling you that,” he snarls at me, tusks flashing angrily in the firelight. “You didn’t need to know.” I push him back slightly and he doesn’t try to make for the door again. He’s still panting, his eyes wild from the sudden adrenaline, but I don’t think he’ll be beating down Zarod’s door at any moment.
I cross my arms over my chest and level a stare at him. “There are a lot of things you don’t seem to want me to know.”
His eyes narrow but I press on. I’m tired of avoiding the truth, I’m tired of playing these games. The sooner it’s all out in the open and he admits to it, the sooner I can start telling him my own secrets. We can start fresh and potentially make something of this with the time I have left.
“Lady Myren and Mornga told me today about what this place is. A sanctuary for humans that you find or rescue from other villages. They told me about the deal you made with Vorgak in order to keep this place safe.”
I wait for him to say something, to look relieved. To explain further and say why he did it. For him to see that now that I know the truth I’m staying here and not running off. To finally see that I am no danger to his people and their way of life here. I’ll be able to tell him that I have a plan to help the other humans still out there.
But Bazur looks far from relieved. If anything, he looks angrier and more dangerous than I’ve ever seen him. He huffs a humorless laugh and shakes his head. His honey eyes frost over and make my blood run cold.
“Mother of the Mountain, is there anything my villagers didn’t tell you today?”
“Is it really so bad that I know some of the truth? Had I known from the beginning what this place was I would’ve—”
“It is bad,” he snaps, shoving his fingers through his hair. “You could still be a spy.”
Shock pulls my mouth open. “Really? You honestly still believe that?”
“I don’t know anything about you. There’s no reason for me to trust you!” His golden eyes pierce me. How can he say that? The only secret I haven’t told him is minuscule in comparison to all the others I’ve shared.
“Yes, you do,” I swallow. “Queen Elvie is the only other person I’ve shared my family history with. I’ve told no one else save you and her. Ever.”
I let him see the truth of that statement in my eyes. But whatever his mindset, anger overcomes him and takes root in his eyes. His expression hardens and makes me shiver. This isn’t the Bazur that rescued me from that net. The Bazur who volunteered to take me back to his village, the only place my safety would be truly guaranteed.
I have this wild idea to lay it all out on the table for him. Tell him everything so he can understand. I want to ask him if we can start fresh with no secrets between us. And I would ask him to help me look for my brother, and I would tell him the truth about how I feel about him. Even though I’ve tried to fight it, I like him. Despite my best efforts not to, I couldn’t help it, these feelings for him have grown into something that scares me but also makes me feel alive. And I would tell him all of that, if he was the Bazur who picked me up from Lady Myren’s.
But the male in front of me is not him.
He scoffs at me one more time and shakes his head.
“Perhaps another lie. So you can throw me off my guard and get me to reveal more secrets.”
My head snaps back and my ears begin ringing as if he has struck me. To think all I wanted today was to be closer to him. But I know now what he really thinks of me. The damage is done and my heart cracks in my chest. To say I would lie about something like that…
“How dare you—”
“Make no mistake, I will keep my people—my village—safe. From any threat. By any means.”
That’s it then. After all that honesty and openness the last two days, it’s amazing how quickly a few words can kill it. I was foolish to believe he cared about me for even a second. It is clear how he sees me. No more than a liar, using the death of her family to steal information and security from him.
I was foolish to think I could ever trust him with my mission. His cruel gaze leaves me with a cold, sinking feeling in my stomach, and I realize he was never going to help me. If I had told him, it would have confirmed his suspicions.
And he would have killed me.
“You sound exactly like your father,” I say, my voice rough from the tears threatening to spill down my cheeks. I won’t cry in front of him. He doesn’t deserve the satisfaction.
My statement must have cracked through his icy rage because his eyes refocus, even soften. It makes my heart break even more. His hand trembles as he reaches for me. Moving quickly, I dodge it and make for the ladder to upstairs, cursing this place for not having any doors. I contemplate going to Lady Myren’s but I can’t be sure she’d let me in.
She’s loyal to Bazur, as is everyone here. I have no allies of my own and for the first time since arriving I feel truly alone. So incredibly alone. I want Elvie. I want to go back to Blackfire castle, and I want to get as far away from Bazur as I possibly can.
“Kaethe,” Bazur calls out to me, his voice strange. Raspy and disjointed. I can’t hear it. Not when my chest has been ripped open and my secrets thrown back in my face. There’s nothing more to be said: he hit me where I’m most vulnerable.
I pause with my foot on the bottom rung, speaking softly and not daring to look back at him.
“Zarod also told me that you liked me, I guess not everything said to me today was the truth after all.”
I don’t wait for his reply as I climb up the ladder. Once I’ve reached the top, I can hear him faintly from below, his voice barely above a whisper.
“I’m leaving tomorrow. I’ll be gone for a few days.”
He sounds utterly devastated.
Good, I want to say but I don’t. My hands are numb as I make my way into the washroom. I strip my clothes and turn on the hot water to fill up the bathing pool. I hold on to the anger and the sadness until I sink beneath the clear water. Only then, do I let myself sob. My tears adding to the water around me.
