I haven’t left Saint’s bed in three days. After we returned from our bike ride, he fucked my ass before he had me ride his face. I sobbed when I finally got to come. It was so euphoric that I swear I lost my vision. I hate but also love when he makes me wait to get off.
It’s torture at its finest.
As much as I love being with Saint, I’m losing myself. I can feel a part of me dying each day. My old life is becoming more of a memory than a reality.
I need to feel like me again. So I got up, showered, dressed, and put a little bit of makeup on. I wandered down to the cafeteria instead of waiting for Jessie to bring me food. Saint’s gone today at the house of Lords. He said he had a meeting he couldn’t miss.
A part of me wanted him to make the decision for me, tie me up, and leave me waiting. When he didn’t, I realized just how pathetic I’ve become. My mother’s words still haunt me in her death.
He won’t love you, Ashtyn. No matter what I do or what I give him, this is just temporary. He’ll get tired of me and eventually toss me to the side. Carnage will swallow me up. I know that he told me he loved me, but he also told me he’d never hurt me. The brand on my skin proves differently. I understand why he did it, but it doesn’t change how it got there.
Plus, all Lords are expected to reproduce, even the Spade brothers. I’m no longer alive, just existing. I can’t give him the family he must have since the Lords assume I’m dead.
It’s something I must come to accept.
Exiting the cafeteria, I get into the elevator. I ride it up in silence, watching the floors pass until it comes to a stop and opens. I step off and stop when I hear “M.I.N.E.” by Five Finger Death Punch filling the hallway.
Slowly stepping over to a cracked door, I stop when curiosity gets the best of me. Haidyn and Kashton usually stay at the house of Lords, so it’s just me and Saint here. I push it open and see a man working out in a room resembling a small gym. He wears black basketball shorts and a white muscle T-shirt with the sleeves missing and half the sides cut out. He’s doing pull-ups on a bar with his knees bent and ankles crossed.
I lean against the doorframe, watching with wandering eyes. It’s Haidyn. His dark hair is wet from sweat and the T-shirt sticks to his back as well. His arms bulge as he grunts over the music, pulling himself up over and over at a quick pace.
He does it several more times, then straightens his legs before dropping to his feet. He reaches up and grips the back of the T-shirt, rips it over the top of his head, and uses it to wipe his face off before throwing it to the side.
He turns, and his blue eyes meet mine, paralyzing me where I stand. But it’s not because he caught me staring. It’s because, without his T-shirt, I got a view of his back. He stalks over to me, and my wide eyes lift to meet his when he stands in front of me.
“What are you doing, Ash?” he demands.
I’m shaking and breathing heavily, my heart hammering in my chest. He reaches out, grips my arm, and yanks me into the room. Slamming the door shut, he shoves my back into it. I don’t even fight him when he grips my neck with his large hand and forces my head back against the door as he lowers his face to mine. “Ashtyn?” he barks over the song.
“It…it was you.” I manage to say even though I’m having trouble breathing.
His eyes harden on mine, and he tightens his hand, growling, “Baby girl…”
“They punished you…because of me.” I’m not sure if he understands what I’m trying to say because even I couldn’t understand my mumbled words since he’s cut off my air. Tears sting my eyes, and his face blurs.
Letting go of my throat, he steps away, and I blink, letting the tears fall to clear my vision while coughing. He gives me his back, and I step forward. “I don’t understand,” I say, roughly licking my lips. “You texted Saint.” He walks away, and I see the fine lines of the whip all over his muscular skin. It’s healing and faded, but they’re still visible.
Haidyn was the man I saw hanging in the room in the basement when Saint’s father made me see my mom’s therapist. “You…” My lips tremble. “You were still hanging.” I take another step toward him when he picks his cell up and turns off the music. I can hear my heavy breathing fill the room now. “How did you text Saint…?”
He says nothing. He picks up a barbell and sits down on a bench. He places his elbow on his knee and starts working out again. “Haidyn—”
“Leave, Ash. I’m busy.” He interrupts me flatly.
I sniff and wipe the tears from my face with trembling hands. “Why did they hurt you?” He continues to ignore me. “Because of me?” I point at myself. Swallowing, I try to think back… “She said actions have consequences. What did you do that they would punish you for?” The moment I ask, my chest tightens. “The branding…” A lump forms in my throat. “You sedated me.” He gets to his feet and drops the barbell, letting out an aggravated sigh. “Haidyn, I’m so sorry,” I cry.
He storms back over, and he reaches out to me, both hands cupping my face. He forces my eyes to meet his. “Don’t fucking apologize to me, baby girl. I did what I did because I wanted to.” Letting go of my face, he runs his hand gently through my hair.
“But why would you do that?” My watery eyes search his, and he gives me a soft smile.
“I told you that you deserved a better life. And I meant that.”
I frown, trying to understand what that has to do with him and that night. He leans in and gently kisses my forehead. “Run along, Ash. Saint will be home soon.” With that, he walks over to his phone and presses play. The song comes back on, and I slowly walk back to the door.
Saint? Why not punish him? He was the one who told Haidyn to give me the adrenaline. How do they know that Haidyn didn’t give me the wrong thing?
Then the text. Haidyn was hanging in that room so that means someone else had his phone and pretended to be him when they responded to Saint so he wouldn’t be suspicious as to where he was.
How long did they keep him in there, all alone and hanging in the dark with the hood over his head and gag in his mouth?
Does Saint and Kashton know what happened to him? That one I can answer myself. No. He wouldn’t tell them, and I’m not going to either. I’ll keep his secret. The Lords like to humiliate their own. And Haidyn is too big of a man to let his brothers know that he was electrocuted and whipped. That makes me wonder how they got him? Did they trick him into that room? Did he willingly let them string him up by chains? The thought makes my chest hurt.
Exiting the room, I pull the door back where it was and numbly make my way to Saint’s room. I get undressed and crawl into bed under the covers and close my eyes. I hate that they punished him because of me. I don’t want the guys to get hurt. Or hate me. I love all three of them.
That also means that Haidyn overheard the conversation that the therapist and I had about how the guys treat me sexually. She asked who I’m closest to. Do they think that I’m going behind Saint’s back to be with Haidyn? Are they trying to use me to get between the guys?
I don’t like that thought. It makes my stomach knot because nothing good could come from that situation. I’d never cheat on Saint. I’ve never been with Haidyn or Kashton without Saint right beside me. He’s the one who offers me to them. Not the other way around.
Numbly, I stare up at the ceiling trying to clear my mind and figure out what the fuck this all means knowing I’m not going to get an answer.
I knew it was too good to be true. It’s Sunday, and I got called in for my therapist’s appointment. I thought…no hoped she had forgotten about me this week, but no. She had Jessie come and get me, which I found odd, but I couldn’t say no, no matter who she sent to get me. Especially now that I know she’s going to use the guys when I don’t do what she says. I’ll follow the rules the fathers have set just to keep their attention off my friends.
I see the open door and enter the room.
“Close the door, Ashtyn,” she orders, not even looking up at me.
I slam it shut, and she looks up, removing her glasses from her face, and her eyes narrow on mine.
Plopping down in the chair across from the desk, I cross my arms over my chest. “I’m doing fine.” I get to the point.
Saint isn’t at Carnage at the moment, but I want to be naked and in his bed when he returns. I wish I had some sleeping pills. I’d love to knock myself out and leave him a note on the bed to have his way with me when he gets back. But since I no longer have any pain from the brand, I no longer get any pain pills of any kind.
She leans forward and sets something on her desk.
“What is that?” I ask.
“A pregnancy test,” she answers.
My wide eyes meet hers. “I don’t need that.”
“You’ve been here for what, two, three weeks now…A month?” She looks at the calendar on her desk. “You haven’t seen Devin or requested any type of birth control prevention. And I highly doubt that Saint wears condoms.”
“I’m on the shot,” I lie. It’s none of their business what I’m on.
She sits back in her seat, letting out an annoyed sigh. “Use my restroom, Ashtyn. I’ll wait with you for your results.”
“I’m not taking that.” I jump to my feet. “It’s impossible.” Okay, so that’s another lie. Any time you’re fucking someone, pregnancy is always a possibility, and she’s not wrong. Saint has never used a condom.
She leans forward, and her pointed red nail hovers over a black button on the edge of her desk. When her eyes meet mine, she pushes it. “You either pee on this stick, or Devin comes in here, ties you down, and draws your blood. Which one is it going to be?”
My stomach sinks, and my chest tightens at her threat. “But… I’m not…No.” I’d know that, right? Aren’t there symptoms?
Standing, she walks around her desk. “Contrary to what you think, I’m not trying to make things harder for you, Ashtyn. I promised your mother I’d look after you if anything ever happened to her. And I want to help you. Just take the test, honey.” I flinch at the endearment. My mother used to call me that, and I thought I’d never hear it again. “I can’t help you if you don’t let me.”
I try to calm my breathing, but all I can think about is that I’m pregnant, trapped in this hell by a man who will never let me leave. Saint told me…Carnage is no place for a child. And that husband had told our fathers to terminate the pregnancy if she is and then perform a hysterectomy. What will happen to me if I’m pregnant? Will it be okay since Saint is a Spade brother? Will it be worse for him?
My eyes drop to my left hand, and I fist it, a feeling of dread coming over me as I think of what we did, and the visual reminder I have on my skin.
The sound of the door opening behind me has me spinning around to see Devin enter the room with two other men. “You need me?” he asks the woman who I want to punch in the fucking face.
My watery eyes go to her, and she addresses me. “That question is for Ashtyn.”
Swallowing the knot in my throat, I shake my head. “N-o.” My voice cracks on the single word.
She picks up the pregnancy test and holds it out to me. I take it and walk over to the door to the adjoining bathroom. Opening up the pregnancy test, I undo my shorts as the first tear falls down my cheek. Sitting down, I close my eyes and take a calming breath, praying to a God that I don’t even think exists that I’m not pregnant.
I finish up and wash my hands. Exiting the bathroom and returning to her office, I see it’s just her and me again. I place the test on her desk. I haven’t even looked at it. I put it back in the package the moment I was done.
Sitting down in the chair across from her, I feel numb and sick to my stomach. She pulls out the test and sits it on her desk. With a smile on her face, her eyes meet mine. “Congratulations, Ashtyn. You’re pregnant.”
I stare at her, my breath getting caught in my lungs. It can’t be. I don’t believe her.
She tosses the test into the trash can next to her and places her forearms on top of her desk. “What are you going to do if Saint finds out it’s not his?”
“It’s his.” I manage to whisper. That I’m a hundred percent sure of that.
She arches a brow at me.
A fresh tear runs down my cheek, and I sniff. “I haven’t been with anyone else.” I pull on my shirt, my skin flushed and clammy. “I told you…Haidyn and Kashton don’t fuck—”
“Your pussy.” She interrupts me with a nod.
The room goes blurry, and my body trembles. “I’m not pregnant.” My tongue feels swollen, and I feel lightheaded.
“Ashtyn…” She sighs. “We need to talk.”
