I’VE ALWAYS WANTED a Christmas Eve like this, with too many bodies squished together in one room.
Festive music is in the air, playing just loud enough to be heard over the laughter and conversations.
Cookie dough is spread out on the kitchen island and all the counters.
My hands are covered in flour and there is sugar on my cheeks.
Still, though, I can’t stop smiling.
There’s merriment. Tears. Horrible, off-key singing of some of my favorite Christmas songs. Stories from then and now. One of Shawn’s nieces is sitting on the counter in front of me, and she helps me with the rolling pin.
My heart is full, in a way it hasn’t been for a very long time.
“Lacey,” Eliza says, and she stops helping to eat a handful of chocolate chips. “Do you love Uncle Shawn?”
My eyes find him across the room.
He’s leaning against the wall, in deep conversation with his brother-in-law. There’s a beer in one of his hands, his fingers curled around the glass bottle, while the other sits tucked in the pocket of his jeans.
He must sense me looking at him, because he turns his head. He scans the room and when his gaze settles on me, he grins.
Flirting with me, Daniels? he mouths, and I roll my eyes.
My heart also skips a beat.
“Do you remember what Uncle Shawn told you? That he liked me very much? That’s how I feel about him, too,” I explain.
“Good. I hope you like him forever, because I like you. I want to see you again,” Eliza says, and she sneaks a piece of cookie dough into her mouth. “I like that you play dress up with us.”
“We’ll find a way to see each other again.” I smile and wipe a clump of sugar away from her forehead. “People who like each other always find a way to stay around.”
“Good.” Eliza points to the ground. “Can I go down? I want to play with Parker.”
“Sure.” I lift her off the counter and sit her safely on the floor. “Have fun, kiddo.”
“Mind if I join you?” Kelly asks as Eliza runs away, and I motion to the empty spot on the other side of the island.
“I’d love if you did. Just watch your hands. It’s kind of a disaster over here.”
“Looks a lot like the kitchen did when I had three kids living in the house.” She laughs and grabs a cookie cutter. “What shape? Reindeer or snowflake?”
“Snowflake,” I say. “Perfect for the snowball fight tomorrow.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry you got dragged into that, sweetie.” Kelly presses the dough and wiggles the cookie cutter around. “I thought they’d outgrow that dangerous game when they had kids, but nope. It’s still a tradition.”
“All this talk is making me wish I brought a helmet,” I admit. “Maybe I’ll hide out behind a tree and hope for the best. They can carry on without me.”
“You can try.” Kelly sets the snowflake on the sheet pan and glances up at me. “I have a feeling Shawn would find you pretty quickly. He seems to know exactly where you are, all the time.”
A prickly sense of awareness starts at the back of my neck. It’s the sensation of being watched, of being the object of someone’s attention. I lift my head and find Shawn staring at me from across the room. His eyes dart between his mom and me, and he gives me a thumbs up then a thumbs down.
Okay? he mouths, and I dip my chin in a subtle nod.
Perfect, I mouth back.
“Thank you so much for letting me spend the holidays with you all,” I say to Kelly. “Shawn told me how much you enjoy being together this time of year, and I’m glad I get to be a small part of it.” I grab a metal tree and cut a piece of dough. “You have beautiful traditions. Getting to go around town yesterday and hand out gifts was…” I blow out a breath, because I’m trying really hard to not cry in front of his mom. It’s difficult to hold it together, though, when I feel a swell of pride and admiration in my chest when I think about him. “I’m very grateful.”
“It’s a good thing they do, isn’t it? I know there’s always this pressure on people who are in the spotlight to help the community. Oftentimes I worry the good deeds are done not for the people who need the help, but for the recognition that comes with being the one to do it. When Shawn used his contract money to form an official organization with his father, he made it very clear it’s not about him. I’ve loved to see how much it’s grown.”
“It must be beautiful to watch something you love turn into something bigger than you,” I say, and Kelly nods.
“Having you join him yesterday meant a lot to him,” she says, and her voice turns softer. “He’s been very careful with his heart, Lacey, and I can’t tell you how happy I am to see him let someone in and break down those walls.”
“We haven’t had a ton of conversations about our pasts, but I know he’s selective about the people who get close to him. And, the more I get to know him, the more I understand how difficult it must be for him. His heart is gentle and he loves the things in his life fiercely. He doesn’t want to put up walls, but he also wants to be sure about the company he keeps.”
I find Shawn across the room again as I say it because I can’t stop looking at him, and he’s switched out his drink for his littlest niece. Her head rests on his chest and he rubs her back as he rocks her side to side.
It looks like they’re in their own little world. The snow falls in the window behind them and the kitchen lights paint them in soft hues of yellow. I think he’s dancing with her, whispering words in her ear that make her smile and giggle.
“When he started in the league, I told him to be cautious but open. It’s really difficult to watch things get said about the kid you love, but Shawn bounces back. Every time. I knew the year he brought someone around for the holidays meant he found the one.” Kelly’s eyes flick to mine, and there’s love behind them. “I’ve given him grief about being single and not putting himself out there. I stopped over the last couple of years because I could tell it was wearing on him, and I’d never want him to feel pressured or to settle for something that doesn’t bring him complete joy. All I want is for him to be happy, whether that’s alone, with someone else, or any other version of happily ever after that’s out there. I was afraid at first when he mentioned bringing you. I thought it was just to appease me, but I see the way he looks at you. He’s never looked so bright.”
I listen to her words, and my fingers dig into the cookie dough.
I haven’t let myself believe it, because it’s easier to ignore this intensity between us than to give it a name. To understand that, deep down, this might have started as something for other people. A ruse to benefit from the attention neither one of us wanted.
I really did just want one night with him. Something without merit where I could lose myself, if only for a little while.
I lost myself in him instead.
The pockets of time turned from I have to to I get to and I want to.
My desire to be independent and self-sufficient fizzled to the achingly strong desire and need to be with him. To be cared for, to be heard, to be treated as someone worthy of love without having to change any part of myself.
Shawn does take care of me. It was hard to give over that power when I’ve been doing just fine for so long, but he’s been careful with my heart, too. He carries it around in a steel box so nothing can ever touch it.
There might be an imaginary deadline waiting for us in a few days’ time, an out to give us a clean and clear transition back to how we were before: friends.
Best friends.
I know in my heart I’m not going to be able to walk away from Shawn, though. Not as just a friend. Given the option, I’m going to pick him every time.
And I’m ready to work my ass off to prove it to him.
“Hey.”
The deep voice I could recognize in the dead of night without eyesight caresses down my cheek. Glides down my back and spreads over my shoulders. It settles against my heart, a cat curled up for a nap in the indulgent summer sun.
Shawn slides his arm around my waist and kisses my cheek. His lips are warm, and I melt under his touch. The air is lighter. The music is brighter. Everything is better with him by my side.
“Hi.” I glance up at him and find him smiling at me. “Did you come to help make cookies?”
“No.” Kelly laughs and shakes her head. “He doesn’t want to help; he just wants to eat the dough. He does this every year.”
“Sorry, buddy. Only people who help can have a taste,” I say, and I bump my hip against his. “You’re going to have to find someone else to give you a snack.”
“Fine. I won’t eat the dough.” His gaze softens, and he pushes his thumb into the point of my chin. “Can I still stick around? I missed you.”
“Oh.” I wipe my arm across my forehead, needing something to do besides look at him with hearts in my eyes. “Of course. I’d like it if you were here.”
“Good. Mom, do you need any help getting things ready for dinner tonight?” Shawn asks. “You know I love making the stuffing.”
“I already have you down for that.” Kelly smiles and wipes her hands. “I’m going to run and check on my husband. He’s supposed to be in here supervising the kids, and I’m willing to bet he’s fast asleep in his recliner by the fire. Lacey, can you finish these cookies?”
“Absolutely. Go easy on him when you find him, though. I sat in that recliner last night after delivering gifts, and I almost didn’t get out of it,” I say, and she laughs.
“I got it for him so he’d stay out of my way in the kitchen, but now I need him in the kitchen.” She slips off her apron and squeezes my arm. “Thank you for talking with me, sweetie. I’m so glad you’re here.”
“Me, too,” I say, and I watch her head for the living room.
“Look at you getting the mom stamp of approval.” Shawn leans against the counter and smiles at me. “What did you all talk about?”
“You.”
“How’d that go?” he asks, and it makes my heart ache to hear the hesitancy in his voice. Like I’d learn something about him that would make me want to leave when all I want to do is stay.
“Really well.” I rest my palm on his cheek, and he doesn’t seem to mind the dough and flour all over my fingers. He leans into my touch, and his eyes flutter closed. “We were talking about how great you are.”
“Flirting with me in front of the children? You’re unbelievable, Daniels.”
“Ass.” I nudge his hip with mine again and gesture to the counter. “Will you make yourself useful? We have four dozen cookies to bake, a neighborhood to serenade with caroling, and a delicious meal to eat. The longer these take, the less time you have for the other things.”
“Fine.” He takes the apron his mother abandoned and pulls it over his head. He looks ridiculously out of place when he rolls up his sleeves and shows off his inked arms. “Anything for you,” he says, and he grabs a rolling pin. “Anything at all, Lacey girl.”
