“YOU’RE DEEP IN THOUGHT,” Aiden says as we stand in his kitchen the day before New Year’s Eve. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah.” I tip my beer back and swallow the last sip of alcohol before wiping my mouth clean. “Kind of. Everything is okay, but I’m… confused.”
“Oh?” He turns to face me, his back resting against the edge of the marble countertop and his arms folded across his chest. He studies me, a divot between his eyebrows and his head tilted to the side. “Want to talk about it?”
I don’t know what I want.
That’s not true.
I know I want Lacey.
I just need to stop dicking around and fucking tell her.
We’ve had the almost conversations, where we get just close enough to talking about what’s been going on between us before we skirt away and find something else to say.
It’s like we both know what the other is thinking, but when you put it out in the world, when you give it a name and a voice and a permanent fucking spot in your heart, there’s room for rejection. For it to blow up in your face and ruin everything.
“The day you met Maggie,” I start. I blow out a breath and reach for another beer. “Can you tell me about it?”
“You’ve heard this story a dozen times,” Aiden says. “We met. We slept together. I was an idiot who let her walk out of my apartment, then we found each other again. What else do you want to know?”
“What was going through your head when she left? You two had instant chemistry; why didn’t you tell her how you felt?”
“Why does anyone keep their feelings inside? Because talking about them fucking sucks.” Aiden laughs and rolls his shoulders back. He plays with his cuffed sleeve, the plaid shirt rolled up to his elbows. I see the two Ms he has tattooed right in the center of his bicep for Maggie and Maven, and my lips twitch. It pairs with the A and M Maggie has on her arm, and these two are so fucking in love, it makes my stomach sick. “Putting yourself out there for a maybe isn’t easy. I knew we were attracted to each other. I knew I could see a future with her, even after twenty-four hours together. But actually saying the words and asking her to stay? That was hard.”
“You were miserable after she left,” I say, and I remember the night he showed up at my apartment, dark circles under his eyes and his clothes wrinkled as if he had been walking through the city for days. I’d never seen him so lost. “But you reached out to her.”
“I did. I was willing to take anything she had to give me, even if it meant yelling at me to leave her alone.” His laughter turns softer, more restrained. “Just tell her, man.”
“What?” My eyes cut to him with a sharp glance. “What are you talking about?”
“Come on, Shawn. Don’t pull that shit with me. I’ve known you for forty years. You’ve never looked at anyone the way you look at Lacey.” He dips his chin and runs his hand over his jaw. “No one’s looked at you the way she looks at you, either,” he adds, and I think I’m knocked off balance.
I huff and pop off the beer cap. I spot Lacey across the apartment, sitting on the couch with Maggie and Maven. She’s showing them pictures from my parents’ house; the one of me on the couch with my five nieces, all of us fast asleep.
Christmas afternoon, when she stuck a bow on my forehead and I drew a red dot on her nose.
She quickly scrolls past the one of us in bed, the sun rising behind us and my lips on her cheek, her smile blindingly bright.
“I like her, Aiden. I like her a whole fucking lot,” I admit.
It’s the first time I’ve said it out loud, and it’s like a weight leaving my body. I’m lighter after it’s out in the open, a breath I’ve been holding for weeks.
“Good.” He clasps my shoulder, and I hear a soft whoop. “What’s your plan?”
“Tell her, I guess. Which is the hard part. What the fuck do I say? ‘Hey, thanks for being my friend for almost two years. Want to go steady with me?’”
“Okay, you’re showing your age, old man. Maybe something else.”
“Our agreement is supposed to end tomorrow,” I say. I peel the label back on the beer and rub my thumb over the neck of the bottle. “I’m also supposed to be on a plane tomorrow.”
“So tell her you don’t want the agreement to end. Problem solved. It’s not rocket science.”
I laugh at his optimism. “I think I’m going to wait until I get back. What if she says no and then I’m the idiot on New Year’s Eve who just told a girl he—”
Fuck.
“Going to finish that sentence?” Aiden asks with a lifted eyebrow. “Here, you can practice on me.” He clears his throat and straightens his back. “Hi, Shawn,” he says with a high-pitched voice. “Is there something you want to tell me?”
“Oh, fuck you.” I shove his shoulder, and he grins. I wait a beat and set my drink down. “I love her.”
“I know you do.”
“I think she loves me too.”
“She definitely does.”
“I just… I want to be good enough for her. That woman over there deserves the entire world. Fuck, she deserves the entire galaxy. I’m not sure even I can give that to her, no matter how big my feelings are.”
“Shawn.” Aiden nudges my side and lifts his chin. “That woman spent Christmas with your family. She comes to your football games and she cheers for you every week. When you had a panic attack, she almost got arrested so she could be by your side. And look how much you do for her. You donated two million dollars to the hospital because of her. You let her talk without interrupting, and you listen to what she has to say. You kissed her in front of seventy thousand people because you’d rather be ridiculed than see her hurting. You know Lacey—do you think for a goddamn second she’d stick around if she didn’t think you’d treat her the way she wants?”
“No, but—”
“And guess what? Some days you won’t be able to give her the entire world. That’s fucking life, man. You’re going to mess up, and so is she. You’re going to be scared. But no one is ever going to love her like you do.” He hums, a low sound that tells me he’s about to bring this home. A bullseye on a dartboard, and the cherry on top. “I think to her, you’re everything. And that’s enough.”
I stare at him. Nothing has ever made more sense than what Aiden just said.
I don’t know where I’ll be five or ten years down the road. Still coaching the sport I love, hopefully, with a healthy body and a healthy mind. I don’t know if I’ll be in D.C. or somewhere in the Midwest. There’s no crystal ball I can look in that will tell me the future and how things will turn out, but there is one thing I am sure about.
Lacey.
She’s always felt right.
From the moment I first met her, everything’s always been a little bit better when she’s by my side.
“You’re good at this deep shit,” I say. I chug my beer and drop it in the recycling bin. “You make me want to just shout it at her from across the room like it’s a walk in the park and not the scariest thing I’ve ever done. A plus for you in the relationship department.”
“Not my first time around the block with the whole being in love thing.” He pats my back and nudges me forward. “What are you waiting for? Go get your girl.”
“I’m going to wait until I’m back from the game. I’m going to get her a magnet. Something stupid. Colorado is for lovers. Then I’ll tell her I love her, too. It’ll be cute and shit,” I say.
“Jesus.” Aiden rubs his forehead. “You have got to stop watching those romcoms with Maven. Normal people don’t go around doing these grand gestures for people they care about. I think just telling her would be fine.”
“Ah. That’s where you’re wrong.” I clasp his shoulder and give him a grin. “I donated two million dollars for her. Normal isn’t going to cut it.”
“Going forward, can you let me know before you rent a yacht or a spaceship and whisk her away on a fancy date? Those of us with average salaries need time to prepare so we can have an excuse for why we aren’t chartering a rocket to Mars for our women.”
“Asshole.” I laugh. “Thanks for dinner. It was good to see you all.”
“Hey. Good luck at the game.” Aiden shakes my hand then pulls me into a hug. “You all should be a lock for the Super Bowl.”
“We’ll see. Don’t want to get our hopes up too much.” My eyes flick over to Lacey. She’s listening to Maven talk, her legs pulled up to her chest and her chin on her knees. “Ready to go, Lacey girl?” I ask.
“Yeah,” she says with a smile. “I am.”
“THANKS FOR WALKING ME HOME,” Lacey says. She shoves her hands in the pockets of her jacket and shivers. “We probably should’ve taken the car.”
“What? Twenty degrees isn’t invigorating to you?” I ask. I drape my arm over her shoulder and pull her against my side. “Makes me feel alive.”
“You’re also two hundred and twenty pounds of muscle and hot all the time. You’re not allowed to comment on not being cold.”
I laugh and guide her around a patch of ice on the sidewalk. “Fair. What do you have going on this week? Anything exciting?”
“No. I go back to work on the fifth. You know I love my job, but it’s been nice to take a step back. To have a minute to breathe. I’ve been trying to take care of myself, and I want to make sure I do that when I get back in my routine, too.”
“I’m proud of you. Have you heard anything about the chief physician position?” I ask. “Has Hannaford said anything?”
She snorts and shakes her head. “Please. He’s skiing in the Alps right now; his out of office email is on until halfway through January. On the plus side, your silent auction items brought in a million dollars. I guess I’m going to have to bring you back next year. See if we can make it a million and a half.”
“Yeah?” I tug on her hand and stop her in front of her apartment building. It’s quiet out here, everyone already in for the evening and out of the cold. “I’ll go back with you, even if I don’t donate anything. I like being by your side.”
Lacey lifts her chin, and her eyes meet mine. “Do you want to come up?”
I do.
More than I want anything in this world.
I want to lay her on her bed and whisper in her ear how much I love her. I want to put my head between her legs and tell her I’m going to take care of her for the next fifty years. I want to hold her through the night and give her whatever she asks.
But I don’t want her to think how I’m feeling is a heat of the moment thing. Said for the first time because I’m buried inside her after a couple of beers late at night. I’m going to get this right, because Lacey deserves it.
“I do, but I think I’m going to head home,” I say, and she bites her bottom lip. Disappointment flashes across her face, and I rest my palms on her cheeks. “Do not think for a second I’m rejecting you, Lacey girl. I’m tired, and I have a little bit of work I need to catch up on.”
“Okay.” She nods and glances over my shoulder. “When do you leave? Tomorrow?”
“Yeah. Tomorrow night. We’ll be back on the second.” I take a breath and swallow away the lump in my throat. “Can I see you when I get back?”
“Oh.” Her eyes light up and twinkle under the street lamps. “Yeah. I would—that would be nice.”
“What did I tell you about nice?” My hand moves to her chin, and I tilt her head back. “You deserve so much better than nice.”
“I do. I know that now. Thanks to you.”
“Good. Let me know when you make it upstairs.”
“It’s ten floors, Shawn, not ten miles,” she says.
“Don’t care.”
“Worried about me, Holmes?”
I bend down and kiss her. I loop my arm around her waist and dip her toward the ground, never letting my lips leave hers. “Always, Daniels,” I whisper against her mouth, and she grabs me by the collar of my coat.
“You can’t kiss a girl like that then leave,” she says, her tone ripe with irritation. “That’s cruel.”
“Is it?” I kiss her again, more heat behind the press of my lips and the hand that roams under her sweater. My fingers fan out across her stomach, and she squirms in my hold. “I don’t want to be cruel.”
“I hate you,” Lacey grumbles, and I chuckle.
“No, you don’t.”
“No, I don’t.” Her gaze locks on mine, and I see it in the outline of her smile. In the pink staining her cheeks. In the way she won’t let me go, not even when she’s shivering from the cold. “Will you let me know when you get home?”
“Of course.”
We’re delaying the inevitable. A goodbye neither of us wants to have.
I know there’s going to be an us after the clock strikes midnight tomorrow night. I’m not walking away from her. But out here on the sidewalk, it still feels like a monumental moment is close to happening; the end of our agreement that made us fall for each other in the first place. The scheme that kicked our asses into gear and showed us the feelings we didn’t know we had.
Fuck, I’m glad I kissed her that first time.
“What are you thinking about?” she asks. She reaches up and runs her fingers down my cheek. Settles her palm on my chest, right over my heart.
“You,” I say. I squeeze her hip and put her back on two feet. “Seriously, Daniels. Let me know when you’re in your apartment.”
“I will, I will. Good luck at the game. I’ll be cheering for you.”
“I’m sure I’ll hear you all the way in Denver.”
“Come home quick, okay? I’ll miss you.”
“Shucks, Lacey girl. I’ll miss you, too.” I drop one more kiss on her forehead and give her backside a tap. “Go on up.”
“Going to watch me walk away?” she asks, and her smirk is wicked and knowing.
“You know I can’t resist your ass.”
“Why do you think I wore this skirt and decided to freeze my legs off? Gotta keep the people happy.” Lacey pulls away and sways her hips from side to side as she walks to the lobby door. She looks at me one more time, her chin on her shoulder and a gleam in her eyes. “Night, Shawn Yawn.”
“See ya, Lace Face,” I answer.
When she blows me a kiss through the window, I know the next forty-eight hours are going to be the longest of my life.
I already can’t wait to be home with my girl.
