The elevator ride is silent up to our rooms. My lips are still tingling; my mind is still racing. I want him to pin me against this cold, metal wall and make me feel just how he did back at the bar, but the fact that my small reminder was enough to have him pulling away tells me it can’t happen again.
I felt it in the way he kissed me because I’ve never been kissed like that—longed for. Needed. And I knew I had to give him the opportunity to take it all back if he couldn’t handle more.
As my dad warned me, Kai gets attached, but I . . . I don’t.
We stand at our respective room doors, each of us taking our time pulling out our key cards.
“So . . .” Kai finally blurts.
“So . . .”
There’s a light tug at the corner of his lips, a bit of a stain from my lipstick there too, but he keeps his eyes down on the card in his hand, twirling it between his fingers. “Thanks for a fun night.”
I huff a laugh. “Is that what we’re calling it?”
That handsome smile is now directed at me. “It was nice to remember the old me for a second.”
More like it was nice for him to remember he doesn’t want to go back to the life he had before Max.
He holds the card to the door, blue eyes regretful. For the kiss? Maybe. Because he can’t separate himself from his responsibilities and allow himself a selfish moment of fun? Possibly.
“Night, Mills.”
“Goodnight, Kai.”
He lingers in the hall until I go inside and once my door is shut, I hear his close seconds later.
I wash my face. I brush my teeth. I replay the evening in my mind over and over. That’s not how I wanted his first night out to go. I wanted him to love every minute of it, to feel light without the pressure of responsibilities.
But instead, he felt responsible to hold back while his teammates gave him a hard time, felt responsible to defend me by almost getting himself in a fight. And was responsible enough to break our kiss, which only led to him regretting it all.
I thought it’d be easy. I thought I could remind him of his old self, no problem. But it’s obvious now, Kai doesn’t want to be his old self.
Pulling my sheets back, about to crawl into bed, a knock on our adjoining door sounds.
I halt my movements. What the hell?
Lingering by the door, my heart is thumping in my chest, knowing it’s him on the other side, knocking in the middle of the night after that stupidly hot kiss.
Did he change his mind?
I look down. How much time do I need to change into something a bit sexier than the old, hole-clad tee I was planning to sleep in? God, and my face. I look like a glazed donut from my overnight skin care.
He knocks again.
Fuck.
Quietly, hoping not to wake Max, I crack the door that separates our two rooms.
Darkness surrounds him, but Kai stands in the doorway, shirtless with those tattoos on his ribs and thigh that surprised me the night I saw them at the pool. In only a pair of athletic shorts, his arms are braced on the doorframe.
I swallow, heat pooling low in my belly just from looking at him. “Hi.”
His eyes slowly trail up my bare legs, until they meet mine. “Your dad is passed out in my bed.”
“What?”
“Your dad is ass in the air, passed out asleep in the middle of my bed.”
A laugh bubbles out of me, and Kai’s lips curve at the sound. I peek into his room to see, and sure enough, Emmett Montgomery is sprawled out in the middle of Kai’s bed while Max sleeps soundly in his crib next to him.
“It looks like you got yourself a cuddle buddy for the night.”
Kai stares down at me with an unimpressed glare.
“Wake him up and send him back to his room,” I suggest.
“I feel bad. He spent the whole night with my son and now he’s . . . snoring.”
“Well, where are you gonna sleep?”
He keeps his attention on me, hoping for me to put the pieces together. I know what he’s suggesting but for once, Kai is going to have to ask for what he wants, even if it’s for something as minor as a place to crash.
He clears his throat. “Would you mind if I slept in your bed tonight?”
“You wanna sleep with me, Baseball Daddy?” My tone holds as much suggestion as possible.
“I’m only wearing a thin pair of shorts right now, so please don’t ask if I want to sleep with you while we’re standing in the same room as your dad.”
My eyes are twinkling, nodding into my room. “Come.”
“Miller.”
I chuckle. “Yes?”
“Please shut up.”
He follows me into the room, closing the adjoining door, and the vibe instantly shifts.
Standing in the quiet hotel room, him without a shirt and me without pants, the overwhelming awareness settles over us both. We just shared a hot-as-hell kiss and are now about to crawl into bed together right after Kai stopped our moment.
He scratches the back of his neck. “Which side of the bed do you prefer?”
We both look at it.
“The furthest side from the door. That way if a murderer comes in, he’ll kill you first.”
His head jerks back. “And take out Max’s only parent? You’re cold, Montgomery.” He follows me to the bed. “And why are you glistening? Did you work out in the five minutes I left you in the hall until now?”
I slip under the covers on my side—the safe side. “It’s my skin care, thank you very much. You should probably look into getting some. I’ve heard they have specific lines for mature skin.”
“I can’t wait to give you shit when you’re in your thirties.”
Except he won’t know me then. He won’t remember me then either.
Kai takes off his glasses, setting them on the nightstand before flipping off the lights and slipping under the covers. His foot brushes mine and he allows it to linger there for only a moment before pulling away.
As if I wasn’t already aware of our lack of clothing, with the darkness covering us, sheets hiding us, and our bare skin brushing as we make ourselves comfortable, the silence is practically screaming that I’m almost completely naked with the man whose son I’m watching for the summer. With the man I just made out with and tried to dry hump by a bathroom in a bar.
I half expected him to immediately turn his back to me and fall asleep, but he doesn’t. He lays with one arm folded under his head, showcasing every defined muscle, with his eyes open but locked on the ceiling.
And because I’m nosy as hell, I ask, “Does your dad know you’re in Texas?”
The silence somehow grows more tense. Great fucking question, Miller.
Too much time passes so I adjust, turning over and trying to sleep, hoping this guy is a freak who maybe sleeps with his eyes open and therefore won’t remember that stupid question.
“No,” he finally says in the quiet.
Slowly, I turn back to face him, but don’t ask more follow-up questions that could have me putting my foot in my mouth.
He lightly laughs, but it sounds slightly pained. “He doesn’t even know he has a grandchild.”
What the hell?
“I haven’t seen the man since I was fifteen or sixteen. Once my mom died . . .” He shakes his head.
It looks like he wants to tell me, but he stops himself, and it makes me wonder if he’s ever had someone to talk to.
“Can I . . . can I ask what happened?”
Kai watches me, a teasing glint in his eye. “Is this all I had to do to finally get you all flustered? Talk about my shitty teenage years.”
I smack him in the chest, but I’m thankful that he’s able to joke around right now.
He chuckles. “My mom was already doing a lot of the heavy lifting in the family, so when she died, instead of stepping up, my dad drank himself stupid. Left me in charge of my thirteen-year-old brother when I was still a kid myself. I didn’t even have a driver’s license yet.”
Jesus.
“Eventually, he checked himself into rehab and cleaned himself up, but he never came back. Last I heard, he was settled in a town only two hours from where we grew up and he had gotten remarried.”
“Is it okay if I hate him for you too?”
“One of us probably should.”
“Don’t tell me you’ve forgiven him? I’m far too petty for your level of maturity.”
“I think I’m at the point where I feel nothing towards him. Is that good enough for you?”
Kai’s face is soft, no angry lines etched into his features. How annoyingly reasonable of him.
“Is Isaiah upset with him at least?”
“For me, I think. Now that he’s older, he’ll make comments about how he feels bad that I picked a college close to our hometown so I could help him get through the rest of high school. Stuff like that. But I probably would’ve done it regardless. The guy is my best friend.”
“That’s cute.”
He pins me with a look. “Don’t call me cute.”
Between us, I find his free hand and hook my thumb around his, palm to palm before I rest my head against the back of his hand. “Thanks for telling me that.”
He traces my face with his gaze, soft wistfulness washing over him. “Thanks for listening. I’ve never really had someone to tell that to.”
“You should keep talking. You have a sexy voice, even when you’re talking about your childhood trauma.”
He simply shakes his head at me, smiles, and keeps talking. “I’m not angry, and I don’t miss him, but I do miss how our family used to be. Everything was so different before my mom died, that the hardest part has been knowing what a good family unit looked like and no longer having it. I’m just trying to give Max a bit of what I lost.”
And that’s when it clicks. Kai is older now. He doesn’t want to make up for the partying he’s missing out on or even the freedom. He doesn’t need to reminisce on his old life. He simply wants the family he once had. He wants to be enough for Max in hopes that he might not feel the gaps Kai has convinced himself exist.
“You’re a good one, Kai. You know that?”
He sighs, exhaling an uncomfortable laugh. “Don’t give me too much credit now.”
“I’m serious.” Which I very rarely am.
The room is dark, but my eyes have adjusted to the lack of light so that I can make out the blue in his perfectly clearly without his glasses as a barrier.
He’s beautiful. Really, truly so handsome.
Turning on his side, he fully faces me, and once again his foot brushes mine, but this time he doesn’t pull away. Instead, he covers my feet with his, tangling them between the sheets.
“The only time I’ve thought about reaching out to my dad was when I found out about Max. For a split second I thought I should tell him he was a grandfather.”
“But you didn’t?”
“Nah. Didn’t need to. Monty kind of earned that title right away. Even though Max doesn’t call him that, it would’ve been weird to give it to someone else.”
Oh, my heart.
“Yeah,” I exhale. “My dad has a knack for earning his titles when they aren’t automatically his to begin with.”
“He’s a good man.”
“The best of the best.”
“Snores like a motherfucker though.”
I bark a laugh.
The vibe in the air changes again when Kai lifts a finger to delicately tuck my hair behind my ear. “I want Max to think of me the way you think of him.”
I melt into his touch. “He does. You’re doing such a good job with him. I know you don’t believe that all the time, but you are. And I would know. I’ve got the best dad out there.”
“I’m worried I’m messing him up by having him travel with the team. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I try to pretend I do, but I wish I had the answers on how to do this parenting thing right.”
“I’d assume every parent feels that way in some capacity. You’ve surrounded Max with so much love. The team adores him. My dad adores him. That’s all you could ask for.”
He looks like he wants to kiss me again and God, do I want him to. But then I watch Kai swallow, pull his hands away from mine and flip onto his back once again, tucking them underneath his head.
I mirror his position but with my hands folded in my lap.
“Have you been able to get any of your work done?” he asks.
Wow, quite the subject change. I’ve been blissfully detached from that part of my life for the past two weeks.
“Nothing in the kitchen, but I’ve been plotting some things for when we get home and I can experiment in the van.”
“In the van? You have a kitchen in there?”
“A little one, yes. It gets the job done.”
A beat passes between us. “I looked you up online last week.”
My head whips in his direction, a teasing smile on my lips. “Just last week? I figured you would’ve done that the second I walked out of my dad’s hotel room on that first day.”
“Your food is beautiful, Miller. It’s artwork.”
He holds no humor in his tone, not allowing me to laugh my way out of an uncomfortable compliment.
Pulling my attention away once again, I find the ceiling. “It used to be.”
“What’s different now?”
“I have no idea. Suddenly, one day I couldn’t do the most basic things in the kitchen. Things I’ve been doing since I was a kid. Nothing new has worked.”
“Do you think it has anything to do with the James Beard Award you won?”
A smile lifts on one side of my lips as I look at him again. “Kai Rhodes, how much stalking did you do exactly?”
“Just enough to figure out you’re a big fucking deal.”
I shake my head, but he only continues.
“You are. The entire world agrees with me, so you can try to downplay it all you want, but I’m right. Have you always wanted to be this big-shot pastry chef?”
“No,” I tell him honestly. “But I’ve always found myself striving for the next achievement. To be the best at whatever it is I take on. Whether that be in softball when I was younger, or now in my career. I’ve always chased the checkmarks.”
“Why?”
I exhale a laugh. “God if I know. That’s what we as a society have been conditioned to do, right? Keep striving for the next best thing instead of finding gratitude and peace where we are.”
“Well, now that you’ve taken a break, do you feel any of that at all?”
“Gratitude and peace?” I turn to look at him. “I think I could find a lot of gratitude and peace while in bed with you, Kai Rhodes.”
He bursts a laugh. “You have no fucking filter.”
I smile at him, feeling an overwhelming comfortability to tell him everything. Much in the way he’s never had someone to talk to, neither have I.
“The pressure,” I continue. “It feels heavy. Suffocating, almost. When I first went to culinary school, I had plans to open my own little bakery one day. A place where people could get my cookies or cakes and I’d be able to watch the joy take over their faces when they took that first bite. But once I was in the industry, that goal didn’t seem big or impressive enough. Instead, I went into the high-end world, and now the only people who eat my food anymore are critics or guests who’ve paid a ridiculous amount to do so. I watch people analyze every bite of what I’ve created instead of enjoying it, and if I’m being honest, it’s gotten hard to put the same love into my food without second-guessing everything I do, knowing it’s going to be judged instead of enjoyed.”
The silence in the hotel room is suffocating. Kai lays only inches from me, but still, I won’t look at him. Vulnerability is a sensation I like to steer clear from. My lifestyle isn’t conducive to close and long-term friendships. I haven’t had to be vulnerable with anyone in a very long time, and I’ve avoided self-reflection for years.
His oversized hand cups my face, turning my chin to face him. “Why do you still do the high-end stuff instead of simplifying things and opening your own bakery like you wanted to?”
I swallow. “Because what I do now is on another level. Yes, the hours are ridiculous and sure, the pressure of working in a high-end kitchen can be crippling, but I’ve made a name for myself. I think others look at my resume and find it impressive.”
His eyes search mine. “Does what other people think really matter?”
There’s only one person whose opinion of me matters and that’s the man on the other side of this wall. After everything he’s done for me, he deserves an impressive daughter. A daughter who excels in everything she does.
“Will you bake for me sometime?” Kai asks when I don’t respond. “I promise not to judge or analyze it.”
I chuckle. “First you want me to watch your son, travel with you, and now I need to cook for you? God, what else do you want me to do?”
His thumb trails down my jaw before sliding against my lower lip. “I want you to kiss me again.”
Oh.
He stares at my mouth. “I really liked kissing you, Mills.”
My body moves towards his without hesitation and, like a practiced dance, his arm slips between me and the mattress, pulling me closer to him. Our bare legs slide against one another, and he lifts his over mine to bring me nearer.
I lick my bottom lip, prepared for wherever he wants this to go. “I really liked kissing you too.”
“But we can’t do it again.”
Annnd never mind.
“Because if I kiss you again,” he continues, “I have a feeling I’m going to want to do it every time I see you.”
I arch into him. “I don’t see the problem with that.”
“The problem with me kissing you is it’s only going to lead me to wanting to fuck you more than I already do, and I don’t do the unattached fucking thing like I used to.”
“But the unattached fucking thing is so fun.”
He huffs a laugh. “Yeah, but ever since Max—”
“You don’t do casual.”
“Nothing about my life is casual anymore. I’ve got someone else relying on me and my decisions now.”
“Again.”
Understanding floods him. “I have someone else relying on me again, and I don’t have the space to be selfish. You said it yourself, you’re leaving soon, and I’ve had too many people I counted on leave. I can’t put myself or my son through that again.”
Of course he can’t. Not when he’s trying to build a solid and stable environment for Max, while I’m simply having a good time passing through until I get back to my real life and career.
“I get it.” I pull away a bit, giving him space in the bed.
“Where are you going?”
“Giving you space. You just said—”
“A man can cuddle.”
My brows shoot up. “Cuddle?”
“Yes, cuddle. Or have you never heard of the term?”
I pause, hesitating.
“Have you never cuddled before?” he asks.
“No. I cuddle with your son. I’ve just never—”
“Have you never cuddled with a man before?”
“Can we stop saying the word cuddle? It doesn’t sound right coming from you. You’re huge and hot and you’ve said the word cuddle more times in the last thirty seconds than I have in my entire life.”
A knowing smile lifts on his lips. “Miller Montgomery, you cold, unattached woman. Get over here and cuddle with me.”
“Stop saying cuddle!”
He reaches out for me, but I teasingly pull away.
“Cuddle with me, Mills.”
“Get away from me!” I wiggle away on the mattress.
Laughing, he chases after me until finally I give up my sad excuse of attempting to get away from him.
His giant body traps mine and on instinct my legs open around him. As soon as his hips fall into the cradle of mine, our matching smiles drop.
He uses his arms to keep himself lifted off me, just enough so that I can watch his attention once again drop to my lips.
“Kai.” I swallow, my fingertips trailing over his abs, tracing the endless ridges.
His stomach contracts, sucking a sharp inhale, and it takes everything in me not to lift my hips and rub to feel exactly what I’ve been dying to feel.
He wants to kiss me. I want him to kiss me. I also really want to shed the few layers of clothing that separate where our bodies connect. But I can see in his torn expression that he’s beating himself over wanting me and, though sometimes I’ll put him through that torture because it’s fun, I can’t give him someone to miss. And after what he told me, it’s clear he can’t keep himself detached the way I can.
“Fine,” I say, breaking the tension. “I’ll cuddle with you, but only because I can’t have you jealous of your son over that.”
His forehead drops with a combination of regret and relief that things didn’t escalate.
Kai flips onto his back, his arm out wide, nudging my head to rest on his chest. I do so, settling my arm over his waist.
This is new for me. I’ve never been in a relationship before and I’m not one to linger after a hook-up, but with him . . . I surprisingly don’t hate it.
“Do you make every woman who shares your bed cuddle with you?”
“I couldn’t tell you the last time I shared a bed with a woman.”
I look up to find out what the hell he’s talking about.
“I couldn’t tell you the last time I was with someone. Well before Max, I know that.”
Well, fuck me. My last bit of hope for a casual hook-up dies with those words.
“I could help with that, you know. It’d be a sacrifice for sure, having sex with you, but I’m a martyr that way.”
He chuckles. “I don’t need your charity.”
“Why not? I could use the tax write-off.”
Kai completely changes the subject. “Thank you for bringing Max to the field today. It meant the world to me.”
“I can’t believe none of his other nannies ever brought him.”
“I never asked them to. I never talked to any of them long enough to ask.”
“But you talk to me.”
His blue eyes are soft. “Yeah, Mills. I talk to you.”
I settle my head back into his chest, once again soothingly tracing the lines on his ribs.
“Besides being tempted to murder my catcher,” Kai adds with a yawn, “today was a good day.”
“They can all be good days.”
His breathing slows and his words are barely a sleepy whisper when he says, “At least for the next six weeks.”
