“Max!” Indy exclaims as soon as she opens the door to her new house.
“Kai too,” I remind her with a laugh.
“Yeah, yeah.” She holds her hands out for my son. “You too.”
Max reaches for her, so I hand him off before she covers him in cheek kisses, and I follow the sweet sound of my son’s laughter into the house.
“Hey, man,” Ryan says when we find him in the kitchen. “Thanks for coming early.”
I put my hand in his, the other going around him in a hug. “Thanks for hosting early.”
“Well, you’re the only one in season right now. Figured we should cater to your schedule.”
Ryan Shay is the captain of the Devils, Chicago’s NBA team. We share the same agent, and he was the first athlete I met in my new city when I moved here eighteen months ago. Until this spring, when he and I both bought houses outside the city limits, we had also shared the same downtown apartment building.
We’ve been friendly since we met, but it wasn’t until Indy, his new fiancée, came into his life that we became good friends. He was admittedly closed off, not willing to let anyone too close before her. I’m not sure if he even had a real friend other than his twin sister, but since he and Indy have been together, he’s constantly having people over to their new home.
And every Sunday evening, the two of them host family dinners with guests including his twin sister, Stevie, and her fiancé, Zanders, starting defenseman for Chicago’s NHL team. Zanders’ blue line mate, Rio, is a constant here, as are my son and I. The other guys sometimes bring a few of their teammates too and Isaiah tags along if he doesn’t have any other plans lined up.
Unlike my brother, I look forward to Sunday dinners all week because more than anyone else in Chicago, I feel like these people get me.
Zanders and Stevie are expecting, and Ryan and Indy are trying for their first. They’re always excited for Max to be at the house and I don’t feel like I’m bringing the party down because I have my fifteen-month-old with me the way I feel around my teammates sometimes.
“Hi, Maxie,” Ryan says as Indy rounds the kitchen island for her fiancé to say hello to my son as well.
They’ve been trying to conceive for a few months now with no luck, so I’m happy to give them all the time with Max they want. They regularly ask to babysit, and Indy is the only woman Max feels comfortable being left with.
Well, she was the only woman. Before Miller.
“Who do you guys play tonight?” Ryan turns back to the stovetop.
“Cincinnati.”
“No Isaiah?” Indy asks, bouncing Max around the kitchen.
“I’m fairly certain he’s still in whoever’s bed he landed in last night. Sunday mornings are typically a no go for him.”
And family breakfast is typically a no go for the Shays unless I have a Sunday night game. They’ve got some weird thing about breakfast that they like to keep it to themselves, but they made an exception today.
“Is your uncle a little playboy?” Indy asks my son, which gets him giggling. “Yes, he is. He’s a playboy, huh?”
“You talking about me, Ind?” I hear as the front door closes.
“No, Zee, not everything is about you.”
“Good luck convincing him of that,” Stevie says, hand on her belly.
“Hello, my beautiful, radiant best friend.” Indy hugs her future sister-in-law, all while holding my son on her hip.
“If by radiant you mean hungry and cranky all the time, yes, I’m so radiant.”
“The most radiant,” Zanders says with a kiss to the top of her curls.
After hellos are said, the girls take my son into the backyard to play in the fresh air while I hang back with Ryan and Zanders in the kitchen.
“How’s Max doing?” Ryan asks, pouring the three of us mugs of coffee.
“Good. He’s good. He’s been a champ this season with the travel and living in a hotel room part-time. He’s easy. I’m lucky.”
I drink down half my mug and hand it back to Ryan for a refill.
His brow arches, filling it up again. “We all love Max, but this is probably the only time you’re able to bitch about being a single parent. So, let’s hear it. Other than you clearly being exhausted.”
He hands my coffee back over.
“Please don’t ask me to complain to you of all people, when you and Indy are trying so hard to become parents.”
“Kai, we all have our shit. Just because we’re dealing with our own stuff, doesn’t mean I can’t hear about yours. Besides, we’re having fun trying.”
Hesitating, I eye them both. It seems weird to complain about the person you love more than you knew your heart was capable of loving. Max is the best thing to ever happen to me, but being a single parent is still the hardest job I’ve ever had.
“He pissed on me the other day,” I admit. “I’m talking all over me. Dripping down my shirt while I was trying to change him. I’m pretty sure it hit the ceiling, sprayed the walls.
“Jesus.” Zanders’ eyes go wide.
“Just you wait, Zee. You might want to rethink your wish for a boy.”
“You should rethink wishing for a boy,” Ryan cuts in. “No way in hell do we need another one of you running around.”
“Love you too, brother,” Zanders adds with a smile and a middle finger.
“At least he’s cute,” Ryan says, looking out the window as my son plays with his fiancée and sister. “Kind of makes up for the pissing in the air thing.”
“He’s cute as hell, but the kid’s got the worst taste in entertainment. His latest obsession is this show about a fruit salad dance party. Like a bunch of fruit and veggies have eyes and mouths but they don’t talk, they just dance to rave music. I swear to God whoever created that was dropping acid at the time. Whenever it’s on TV I feel like I’m in a fever dream.”
Zanders’ face scrunches in horror.
“I tried to turn it off and he screamed his head off until it was back on. The radishes were twerking.”
“How does a radish twerk?” Zanders asks, his mug to his lips.
“I don’t know, man. I don’t fucking know.” I shake my head. “And last week I had to track how many times he took a shit. I literally had to write it down. The first thing on my mind every morning was this kid’s shit because he hadn’t taken one in a couple of days.”
A small smile spreads on Ryan’s lips but he tries to cover it with his coffee mug; all the while Zanders stares at me like I told him someone kicked his dog.
“And the sleep schedule. Those naps are the most sacred times of the day. If one of my teammates tries to mess with his sleep schedule, I’ll lose it on them. I’m talking ‘use their balls as a speedbag’ kind of lose it on them. He’s miserable if he’s not sleeping properly, and those are the only moments of the day where I have my own time without feeling guilty.”
“You feel guilty?” Zanders asks.
“All the time.” I exhale a long breath. “All the fucking time. If I’m not with him, I feel guilty for being gone, but if I’m with him all day without a moment to myself, I feel guilty for wanting a bit of my own time. And the anxiety. I’m so afraid something is going to happen to him when I’m not there, or something will happen to me, and he’ll be left without anyone.”
Zanders takes my mug from me and adds a healthy pour of Baileys into my coffee.
“What are you doing? I have a game tonight.”
“You’re in the bullpen tonight, and you need that,” he says, adding a splash into his mug and his future brother-in-law’s.
Ryan nudges my shoulder. “You know Indy and I—we’re always here to help you. Whenever you need a break. We’ve got you.”
“I shouldn’t want a break, though. I had a break for the first six months of his life.”
“Jesus, Kai,” Ryan exhales. “You can’t be punishing yourself for that. You had no idea he even existed. You have no balance in your life. ‘Dad’ is just one of your titles.”
“And the other is ‘Starting Pitcher’. My time is split between baseball and him, and when I’m focused on one instead of the other, I’m constantly feeling guilty that the other doesn’t have my full attention.”
Shit. Talk about word vomit. I try not to complain because I don’t have much to complain about. Max is the greatest part of my life, but I won’t lie and say I’m not tired. I’m tired of worrying all the time, tired of wondering if I’m messing everything up.
“You know,” Ryan begins with a small laugh. “For a split second, when I first introduced you to Indy, I was so concerned she was going to like you. You used to be a lot like her. A walking ray of fucking sunshine. Little did I know, six months later you’d be as grumpy as I used to be.”
“I’m not grumpy,” I state in a tone that sounds real fucking grumpy. “I’m exhausted. I became a single dad at the beginning of the off-season last year. I had it handled when baseball wasn’t an issue, but now . . . If I could just retire early—”
“No.”
“Shut your mouth,” Zanders adds.
“You’re not retiring early,” Ryan continues. “For being your age, you’re surprisingly at the top of your game. You’re not calling it quits. You just need to figure out how to ask for help and learn to accept it. How’s it going with Troy?”
I avert my eyes from his. “I fired him.”
Pausing for only a moment, he bursts out a laugh. “Of course you fucking did.” Opening the kitchen window that faces the backyard, he calls out, “Blue! Kai fired the nanny!”
I hear her footsteps racing inside the house. “Was it before or after Wednesday?”
“Thursday, I think. Why?”
“Goddammit!”
Ryan cackles. “Thank you for that.”
“What am I missing here?”
“Indy and I bet on when you were gonna fire him. Had a feeling it was gonna be this week. She bet on the first half of the week, I bet on the second.”
“You’re making bets on Max’s childcare now? Love that for me.”
Stevie follows Indy inside, holding Max’s hands above his head to help him walk. “What does the winner get?”
“Blue owes me a blow job.” Ryan smiles into his coffee once again.
“Gross.” Stevie grimaces.
Indy tosses her hair over her shoulder. “Joke’s on you. Little do you know, I like giving you blow jobs.”
“Yeah, little do I know. There’s no way I would know that, huh?”
Ryan rounds the kitchen island to pick up Max, he and Indy doting on him. Zanders joins Stevie in setting the table, with him not so sneakily copping a feel every so often.
As much as I feel connected to these guys, us all being professional athletes settled down, they both have partners they can lean on. Someone else to help lessen the burden. They’ll luckily never understand what it means to go through the hard stuff alone. But maybe worse than that is going through the good stuff and not having someone to celebrate those moments with. No one else heard Max’s first word. No one else saw the first time he crawled.
And in this moment, watching the four of them, I couldn’t feel more single.
That is, until the other very single guy of the group comes bursting through the door.
“I’m here!” Rio DeLuca, Zanders’ teammate, busts through the house with his boombox on full blast, making his grand entrance. “What did I miss?”
“Kai fired another nanny,” Ryan explains before throwing my kid in the air, catching him mid-laugh.
“Yeah, well, about time. It’s been what, two weeks since he got hired?”
“Four.”
“Record for ya, Kai?”
Is it? Wow, I’m not sure.
“I already hired someone else. She watched Max in Miami.”
Conveniently, I leave out that she’s now gone as well, but my tendency to hastily fire any and everyone is quickly becoming everyone’s favorite joke.
“She?” Stevie asks.
“She.”
Rio turns down his boombox. “Who is she? And is she single?”
Is she? I have no idea if Miller is single. I learned she doesn’t live anywhere in particular so I can’t imagine how she’d make a relationship work, but maybe her partner is a nomad like her.
“I’m not sure, actually.”
“Let’s say, hypothetically, she’s very single. Very available,” Rio continues. “Would she be into me?”
“No.”
“Geez, Kai. Answer a little quicker next time.”
“I mean, I don’t know. She’s my coach’s daughter so I think it’s best if no one in my life”—I motion around the room—“tries to find out.”
“Coach’s daughter, Kai?” Indy wears a knowing grin. “Interesting. I do love that plot line.”
“Nothing about this is interesting, you hopeless romantic.”
“Hopeful,” she corrects, pointing towards Ryan. “The new term is ‘hopeful romantic’.”
“Yeah, well, whatever kind of scenario you’re creating in your head right now about me and the new nanny, let me squash it for you. Monty hired her without me knowing and I couldn’t exactly say no.”
“Bullshit,” Ryan barks out. “You’ve never let something like pleasing your coach be the reason you compromise when it comes to Max. You like her.”
“No, I don’t. I kind of can’t stand her, but it doesn’t matter either way because she’s already gone.”
The entire house is wordless once again.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Ryan asks, breaking the silence. “You have a game tonight. What are you going to do with Max?”
I raise a suggestive brow at him and his fiancée.
“Oh, no. Don’t look at us like that.” Indy waves her hands at me. “We love Max, but we’re not enabling you. What was wrong with this one? Did you not like the way she breathed? Was she too nice? Did you not agree with her favorite color?”
“Max liked her too much already.”
She’s also way too fucking tempting to be glued to my side all summer, but I leave that part out.
Indy blinks at me blankly. “You’re ridiculous. You need to call her and get her back here.”
I already did. Right after she left. I didn’t get a chance to explain that she’s done too good of a job with my son, but even if she gave me the opportunity, how pathetic would it be for me to admit that my attitude towards her is due to Max growing so comfortable with her that it made me nervous. In the one day Miller was with him, he was the most content he’d been with any nanny before, and I fucked it up all because I’m afraid. Afraid of her being around, but even more afraid of her leaving.
“I tried,” I admit. “About fifteen times, but she’s ignoring me.”
“Oh, you’re so gonna sleep with her.” Zanders laughs. “Hate sex or make-up sex. One of the two.”
“No, I’m not.”
“No, he’s not,” Rio adds. “Because if Kai meets someone, I’m going to be the only single one left, and I refuse to be the old, sad, single one. Well, besides Isaiah, but he doesn’t count. He likes being single.”
“Rio,” Indy coos. “You’re still a baby, but when you get old, you could come live with us, and we’ll take care of you. Ryan will cook us breakfast and you could be our platonic third wheel.”
“I’m not cooking him breakfast,” Ryan cuts in.
“And I’m not anyone’s third wheel. And don’t even tease me about living with Ryan Shay, Ind. That will very quickly turn into a two-wheel situation, and you won’t be one of them.”
Ryan huffs a laugh under his breath.
“All right, let’s eat. I gotta get home. I’m hoping Monty can convince Miller to give me another chance before my game tonight.”
“Her name is Miller?” Stevie asks, taking a seat at the table, stretching out her legs and rubbing her stomach. “She sounds cute.”
She is cute. In the same way a tornado is cute. Or a pack of starved lions. Super cute.
“Oh my God,” Rio chastises my silence. “He didn’t even try to deny it! I am going to be the only single one left. I’m going to have to move into my best friend’s house and grow old with Ryan freaking Shay.”
Zanders makes a plate for Stevie as we all take our seats. “You don’t sound all that upset by that.”
Rio pops his shoulders. “Never said I was.”
Everyone gathers around the table, and I pull out the highchair I store for Max here before taking my seat as well. My friends take their turns feeding my son or entertaining him. His blue eyes are bright as he laughs and smiles at the group of professional athletes making silly faces at him.
And though, yes, sometimes I feel single as hell around these people, I couldn’t be more grateful for them pulling me into their fold and giving me a place in Chicago that feels like home.
