THE NEXT THREE DAYS AFTER Old George are pretty grim. My body swirls in doubt and desperate thoughts of self-preservation. This is worse than the first time Indie blew me off because now I’ve seen more of her heart. I know more of her darkness. She showed me why she’s so damn attached to that stupid list, and it’s not something I can fix because she doesn’t want me.
So instead, I’m trying to figure out what the hell happened to me. I went from being on top of my game, pulling birds from my brother like it was nothing, to an emotional and physical cripple.
If I knew this was how feelings felt, I’d have avoided them like the horrid STD they are.
I head to Tower Park, hoping that standing on the pitch and looking up into the empty stands might give me some much needed perspective. It’s the place where it all began for me, so surely I can find some clarity there.
I drape myself out on the grass, deep in thought, but even this grass feels different. This pitch that I look at like hallowed ground feels pokey and all wrong against my back.
Where have my balls gone? I can’t control Indie. I can’t control my dad. I can’t control the surgery. I can’t control my recovery. But above all, I can’t get away from this deeply rooted fear of what my life could be like without football. It’s all making me crazy.
Feeling out of control is not an emotion I appreciate. I can’t gain power over a damn thing in my life and it’s eating me alive. I’m due to get the surgery on my knee in a week, and my entire body is roaring with anger over so many things that I think I might explode on the table.
Before I know it, I’m pressing the buzzer to Vi’s flat in Brick Lane. I need to talk to her more than I need to talk to anybody.
She lets me up, so I step inside the private alley lift that takes me to the eleventh floor of an old period building. Her flat occupies the entire floor. It’s a symbol of how different our dad treats her over us. Don’t get me wrong. Vi deserves every penny. She’s been the voice of reason for our family since the day she could speak. This is a small price to pay for how much she’s helped all of us.
But she’s a camera bag designer and not exactly making the kind of money it would take to be able to afford a London penthouse like this. She moved out of our dad’s Chigwell house a few years ago and bought this flat with a trust that he’d set aside for her. So it’s her money and she invested it wisely. Regardless, he’s never set up trusts for the rest of us. Gareth says it’s because we make more than he did back then. I think it’s because he doesn’t want us to be able to quit football.
When I walk in, Hayden meets me at the lift with Vi’s dog, Bruce, on a lead. “Hey, Cam.”
“Hey, Hayden, how are you?”
“Good. You okay?” he asks, frowning at me. It’s the first time I realise there may be some physical representation of the lack of sleep I’ve been getting the last few nights.
“I’m good. Just need to talk to your baby mama if that’s all right.”
“Hey, I’m making an honest woman of her eventually.” His grey eyes flick to the balcony where she must be sitting. He smiles fondly. “We just mixed up the order a bit.”
I offer a polite smile. “As long as you keep her happy, that’s all that matters. We won’t give you the Harris Shakedown if you keep that smile on her face.”
Hayden chuckles. “I’m highly familiar with the Harris Shakedown. I think it was five days straight you guys stalked outside my home last time Vi and I disagreed.”
“It was more than a disagreement,” I grumble defensively. The bastard nearly broke her heart.
He sighs and pins me with an intense stare. “Cam, I was an idiot. Without question. But sometimes a bit of perspective changes things. That time was a vital part of our story.” He reaches down and grips the thick leather cuff wrapped around his wrist. “And you know what? I wouldn’t change that now.”
“You wouldn’t?”
Shaking his head, he replies, “Nope. I’ll win your sister back as many times as I have to.”
“I’m out here!” Vi yells from outside, interrupting our impromptu heart-to-heart.
Hayden tilts his head with a smile and moves aside for me to walk by. “I’ll let you get to it.”
“Cheers, Hayden.” I move through the living room and step onto their huge terrace. The shrinking London sun casts a grey haze over the incredible view. “Bloody hell, I want to move.”
“Well, you should,” Vi says and I glance over to find her stretched out on a lounger, book in hand, looking like the epitome of happy and healthy. “It’s not like you don’t have the money.”
I shrug. “I’ve never cared much because we’re never home.”
She shoots me a puzzled look. “But you care now?”
I exhale heavily and sit down across from her. “That’s what I’m here to talk to you about. I need you to stay calm, Vi. And I need you to know that I’ve thought about this long and hard, and nothing is going to change my mind.”
She sits up to face me so we’re knee-to-knee. Clasped fists to clasped fists. Pensive expression to pensive expression.
“I’m not going to have the surgery next week.”
“What?” she nearly screams.
“Hear me out,” I remind her. “Because you’re the only one I’m going to say it to this way, and I want you to know the truth.”
“Okay,” she grinds through clenched teeth.
“I don’t want the surgery next week because I’d rather live with this graft in my knee and never know if I can play as good, rather than get the graft out and find out that I can’t get back all that I lost.”
She exhales heavily three times like she’s doing Lamaze breathing. “Vi, calm down.”
“Camden, no.”
“Vi…it’s my decision. This is what I want.”
“So you’re scared? Why? What changed? You weren’t scared to have the first surgery,” she says, her blue eyes wide and watery.
“I didn’t have time to think about it,” I reply. Plus, I had Indie by my side.
“Did something happen between you and Indie?”
Her question doesn’t surprise me. I knew she’d go there. She’s been calling or texting almost every day, asking how things are with her. “No. This has nothing to do with her. It has to do with me making a decision for myself and not for anyone else.”
“Cam, I can see it in your eyes. You’re lying. Tell me the truth. What did she do to you?”
I sneer, “Why do you think she did something to me? Isn’t it far more likely that I kicked her to the curb?”
Her chin drops. “Drop the shield, I’m not shooting at you.”
“Vi, this isn’t about Indie. But I’m grateful for my time with her. I learned a lot. People can survive with torn ACLs and live perfectly normal lives.”
She clenches her jaw. “How could she say such a thing?”
“She’s a doctor and it’s the truth. But it doesn’t matter. I can’t take this pressure. This weight. This…everything. It’s too much. I’m telling you because I love you and I don’t want you to be disappointed in me. You’re the one person I can’t take that from.”
“But football is everything to you. It’s everything to all of us.” Her voice is panicky.
I want to growl, but I’m staying calm because she has a baby inside of her and I need to be gentle. “I just need some time to decide what I want to do for a change.”
“You’re so talented, Camden,” her voice sounds defeated.
“That’s not the point.”
She sighs dejectedly. “This is not going to go over well.”
