It takes me a minute to register Maeve’s crying down the hall.
Shit.
It’s just me this morning. Sofia left early for her interview.
“Time to be a parent,” I grumble to myself. I’ve never been alone with my daughter for more than a few minutes. It’s both exciting and terrifying that it’s just me with her today.
“I’m on my way, baby girl!” My voice makes her fall silent until I push her door open.
Her grabby hands extend over the top of her crib as she reaches for me.
She wants me. I’m hers.
It makes my heart swell when she smiles and coos against my chest as I pick her up.
“Dadada.” Her babbles might not be what she’s actually trying to say, but it makes me feel pretty important, anyway.
I’m so damn proud of her. I want to show her off to the world.
What I wouldn’t give for Kai to have met her. “Your uncle Kai would have loved you as much as I do, Maeve-baby.” Bouncing, we work our way over to the changing table where I lay her down and unbuckle her pajamas.
Fuck, I hope I do this right.
I wish Sofia was here just in case.
Just as I get the heavy diaper free, Maeve decides to try to roll away, nearly over the side.
“No!” I catch her in a panic, making her start to cry.
Man, I’m screwing this up already.
“Hey… I’m learning. Shh, I didn’t mean to scare you.” I hate seeing her lower lip stick out like that. “Come on, baby girl. You look just like your momma when you do that.”
“Mamama?” She twists again as I try to slide her legs back into her clothes.
Crap. “Not yet. She’ll be back soon. It’s just you and me this morning.”
Buttoning her up, I hoist her back into my arms.
“You know, your grandpa used to make the best pancakes. I wish I had paid better attention…” Another bolt of pain pierces my heart.
She’ll never know my dad.
Fighting the knot in my throat, I prop her in her highchair and tear off a couple of small pieces of banana for her while I work on getting her milk.
Damn. Dad would have words of wisdom. He raised me pretty much on his own. I bet he’d have all kinds of tricks to make me a better father.
What if I screw this up? Looking at her big brown eyes as she fists the mushy yellow food into her mouth, I’d give anything to do things right by her.
“You’re my little princess, aren’t you?” Handing her the bottle, I pause as a heavy rumble of engines pass the house.
Her dark curls shift on her forehead as she tilts her head.
Pressing her lips together, she blows pieces of her snack all over the tabletop. Squealing, she smears her palms through it as far as she can reach.
Seriously?
Five wet paper towels later, and she’s cleaned back up. But also grumpy with me that I had to wipe her face a couple of times.
“Does this get easier as you get older?” I pull her out of the chair and set her down in the little play area I put together, filled with stuffed animals and books.
Me: How old are kids before they can start cleaning up after themselves?
Nikolai: Older than you are, apparently.
Me: Gee thanks, asshole
Nikolai: you’re welcome
That went nowhere fast.
When she starts fussing, it pulls me away from my phone.
“What’s the matter, tigryonok?” I pick her up and pull her close. “Should we watch some TV? I might be able to find a cartoon.”
Flipping through the channels placates her for a moment, but even with her favorite on, she’s still whimpering in my lap.
“Are you hungry? Want some more food?” Carrying her to the kitchen, I offer her a handful of baby cereal that melts in their mouths.
Her head shakes back and forth and her crying elevates. Red faced, she pushes my hand away.
“What’s the matter?” I’m running out of options.
Checking her diaper, it’s dry. We walk around the room, and I try to show her every colorful item I have.
“Mamama!” She’s full-bellied screaming.
My heart races. I don’t know how to fix this.
Dammit. I don’t want to call Sofia. She’s at her interview.
“What, Jax?” Nikolai’s voice is gruff when he answers his cell.
“She won’t stop—” I don’t have to continue. Her sobs are inches from my chin.
“Did you feed her? Check her pants?” He runs down the list of basics.
“Yeah, yeah. I did all of that.” Rocking her on my hip doesn’t work. “I’m really messing this up, Nikolai. Please, what can I do?”
Her hands clasp and run up and down her face as her back arches away from me.
“Mamama!” She almost drowns out the deep sounds of engines passing by the house again.
“Tell me what she was doing.” Nikolai is calm.
I wish I was. I’m ready to take her to the doctor this instant.
“She was sitting playing with her toys and—” I’m watching her writhe away from me and see something strange.
There’s an eyeball staring out of her left nostril.
“—I think I figured it out. Thanks.” I click my phone off.
Pressing down gently on her nose, I’m able to work the small piece of plastic out.
Her tears dry up almost instantly.
“Oh, Maeve. I need to check your animals more closely, huh?” I’m just glad she’s okay.
Her sweaty brow rubs against my neck as she burrows in.
I’m not sure if I feel triumphant. A million worse possibilities of what could have happened run through my head.
Is she really safe with me?
