Song, NUMB, Ryan Oakes
“Where the fuck is this man? He’s a ghost and I want him found. Yesterday.” Mikhail’s thick finger stabs the photograph that he holds so everyone can see. “His last known location was on the north side of Vegas three days ago. Why is my intel more than seventy-two hours old?” He crumples the paper and throws it across the room.
A few days ago, I would have been upset and ready to go on the hunt.
But, that was before my world shattered.
All I can see is Sofia’s tear-stained face over and over in my mind.
My injuries are healing, but not my heart.
“Jax! Did you hear a word I said?” Mikhail’s deep voice cuts through gruffly.
“Huh? No boss, I’m sorry,” I stammer.
Alexei elbows me in the shoulder and points at his own eyeballs before gesturing his fingers towards Mikhail.
“I said, I’ve talked to Enzo, but he needs a better shot of this guy for his tracking software. Or a license plate. Anything. I need you to work with Niki on this.” His eyes narrow over his balaclava. “And, I want you to stick around after this meeting.”
The room erupts in “oohs” and laughter.
All aimed at me.
If I didn’t like these guys more, I’d start swinging. But, I guess it’s not their fault I’m fucking useless.
Mikhail’s arm waves, kicking everyone out until I’m sitting on the stiff leather couch against the wall, alone.
He flips a stout wooden chair around and straddles it, his muscular arms bulging under the taut material of his suit.
“What the hell is going on, Jax?” His dark eyes are nearly black as he stares at me.
But, he doesn’t look angry.
“I got, well, a lot going on, boss.” How do I tell him I’m just a mess?
He narrows his gaze and stares silently at me until I start to squirm against the cushions.
“Drugs? Are you dipping into the product?” He tilts his head slightly.
“No, never.”
“Must be women, then? This town is full of bad ones. They aren’t worth getting upset about.” His hands grip the back and he stands as if the conversation is over.
“It’s just one. And she’s the best.” Sofia is worth getting emotional over.
I’ll never find another like her.
“Then what did she do?” He pauses, one brow raised.
I wipe my face in frustration. “She didn’t do anything. It was me that fucked everything up.” I let out a long groan.
His mask wrinkles over his nose. “What did you do, Jax?” he asks quietly.
“I slept with someone else.”
There. I said it.
He grumbles and moves back to his desk. “She must not have been very special.”
My chest aches as I fight to keep the tears from embarrassing me.
“She is the most important person in my life.” I love her more than myself. “I’d give anything to fix this.”
“Jax. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies.” His accent gets thicker. “But, you need to quell that chaos in you and find peace, only then you can find it with her.”
He waves towards the door. “Now go. Do not let your distraction get you, or my brother, hurt.”
I don’t care what Mikhail says, I can’t shut down the voice in my head that constantly tells me how badly I messed up.
Or, how much I miss Sofia.
The back of Nikolai’s hand smacks me across the chest.
“Did you hear me? Get out your phone and take a picture of him! I’ll make another pass.” His teeth are clenched as he talks.
Great, I pissed him off too.
“Sorry. I wasn’t paying attention. What am I trying to do?” I pull my cell out and am disappointed that there aren’t any missed texts from her.
Do I even deserve to have her trying to talk to me? All I do is make her cry.
When I’m near her it’s even worse. Every single piece of me wants to hold her and tell her it will all be okay.
I promised to take care of her, and I broke everything.
“Jesus. Fuck. You missed again.” Nikolai’s hands squeeze the steering wheel hard enough it squeaks in his grip.
“I’m taking you home, Jax. You need to get out of your own head.”
Looking around, all I can see is the crowds on the sidewalk as we drive by. Nothing stands out.
“Who am I getting a picture of? I’m ready? Where is he?”
Nikolai growls and leans away. “He’s gone. He ducked into that casino.” He jabs towards the right.
Shit. That one is run by the Reapers.
Damn.
Why do I keep screwing up? I knew this was important.
“Tonight’s my night with Maeve. Can you do me a huge favor and—”
“Yes. Just tell me what time you need me to pick you up. My little girl always puts me in a better place. Maybe yours will do the same?” Nikolai glances at me as he turns a corner. He has a sad looking smile on his face when I catch him.
Everyone feels bad for me.
I guess I’m pretty pathetic.
“Thank you.” I feel like a kid.
It takes everything in me to walk up the steps to her house. Not long ago, it was our place. Together.
My knuckles sound hollow on the door, but she opens it immediately.
“Hi.” She chews on her lip when she sees me.
Like every time I see her, my breath catches. She’s so beautiful.
I was the luckiest man alive to have her.
“I’m glad you’re here. I got called in for a staff meeting this evening. Didn’t think it would be a bad thing to leave the house while you and Maeve hung out.” Sofia steps back as I step into the hall.
It’s like she’s afraid to touch me.
Can’t blame her. I’m pretty despicable.
“Are you okay, Jax?” I look up and catch her studying me.
“Sof, I—” I don’t know what to say. “Yeah, I’m good. Thank you.”
At least Maeve doesn’t look as scared of me today. My face isn’t as bruised and discolored as it was last time I was here.
It feels like years. Each day a decade.
“Hey, baby girl. Daddy’s so happy to see you!” Scooping her up, I hug her tightly. Her chubby fingers find the collar of my shirt and clings to it.
“Dadda, Dadda,” she babbles.
“I missed you too, tigryonok.” Giving her a tender kiss on the top of her curly hair, I meet Sofia’s gaze across the room.
My chest aches seeing the pain etched on her face. I don’t think I can handle seeing her cry again, so I turn away. “Let’s read a book, okay?” Setting Maeve down, she runs to her shelf and picks up her favorite alphabet book.
It’s the one I got her, full of motorcycles in the shapes of the letters.
She drops it unceremoniously on my lap and lifts her arms for me to pick her up.
I think we’re around letter N or M when I hear Sofia’s heels on the tiles clicking closer.
“Mommy has to go. I’ll be home at eight.” She leans and touches her lips against Maeve’s temple, inches away from me.
Close enough I can smell her sweet strawberry scent.
“I love you.” Sofia glances at me, tears welling in the corners of her big green eyes, before she pulls away.
Should I tell her I love her, too?
Because I do. More than anything.
But, before I can decide, she’s gone.
I guess I must have stopped reading, because Maeve starts squirming and pats the page with her palm.
“I’m sorry. You know Daddy loves you and Mommy? I hope you do.” I squeeze her a little closer and continue the book.
Z feels so final.
I hate that it’s the end. Picking up story after story, they all do.
There’s a last page for each one.
Even the most exciting tales, and colorful pages, have a final scene.
A happily ever after.
Except mine.
I guess I tore mine out. Shredded into a million pieces.
After changing Maeve into a clean diaper and her pajamas, I carry her back to her room.
The giant teddy bear that I won for her is sitting on a small playtable in the corner.
“Oh! Remember when Daddy got this? Wasn’t that fun?” Bouncing her on my hip, I pick up the overstuffed arm and wave it at her.
Her cheeks turn red and her mouth drops before she lets out a shrieking wail.
Shit. Fuck.
“Shh. It’s okay. That mean old bear can stay in the corner.” Turning away quickly, I drag it behind me so she can’t see and push it out of her room with my foot.
It doesn’t matter what I do, I always choose wrong.
After a few minutes of fussing, she finally settles down and rubs her eyes tiredly. Giving her one last hug, I lower her into her crib.
“I hope you know how much I love you.” When I shut the door, I hear the garage door opening.
Sofia’s home.
It’s only a moment later that the engine to the Hellcat pulls in.
Sofia comes in through the kitchen to find me sorting the books back onto the small shelf.
“What’s with the teddy bear in the garbage can?” she asks as she watches me.
“It’s trash. It was a mistake. Every time she sees it, she cries.” I don’t look at her.
I can’t. It hurts too much.
“Jax. She will love it one day. Her daddy got it for her. It’s just a bit big for her.” She steps forward, almost like she’s going to touch me.
But, she doesn’t.
I wish, more than anything, she would.
“Kids grow up. They learn to appreciate what they have.” Her words are quiet. “We all need to learn those lessons, sometimes.”
Is she still talking about Maeve? I can’t tell.
“Some of us are too thick-headed. We just make the same mistakes.” Brushing past her, I rush out the front and slump into the passenger seat next to Nikolai.
“Did it help?” he asks as he reverses out of the driveway.
“No.”
