Song- Telomeres, Sleep Token.
My head is pounding as I wait for the machine to finish pouring Sofia’s coffee. I tossed and turned all night, trying to form the words to tell her what’s been going on inside my head.
How do I explain to her that I hate myself?
Can she seriously forgive and want to be with someone as fucked up as I am? How can she even trust me again?
I still don’t have a clue what happened. What if I black out again?
Sofia’s eyes light up with a smile as I hand her the steaming mug, and she promptly sits up in bed. She takes a small sip and sets it down on the nightstand as I crawl across the mattress next to her, resting my back against the headboard.
“Did you sleep okay?” she asks softly, like she’s walking on eggshells.
“Once I had you in my arms, I seemed to.” I answer honestly.
She shuffles herself closer to me and rests against my shoulder. Her sweet scent of strawberries fills the air, momentarily distracting me from my restless thoughts.
“We need to talk, Jax.” Her voice is full of concern.
She sits herself back up and I’m already missing her touch. Running my hands over my face, I fight the fear that I’ll lose her.
Is she going to push me away?
She might have just been saying all those things to stop me, not because she meant them. The more I delve into my own mind, the more my palms grow clammy.
I feel her soft touch on my cheek and I open my eyes to find myself looking right into her beautiful green eyes.
“What’s going on in there, baby? Remember we talk, no more side stepping. Speak to me. I want to listen. I want to help you, we have to get you through this.”
I swallow.
She’s right. I just don’t know where to start, or how much to even tell her without scaring her off. There is only so much fucked up one person can handle. But, I need my family back. It hits me with a pain in the chest. This is my home. Even if Kai were here, this would still be my home.
“I honestly don’t know where to begin,” I say, it’s a half-truth. I kinda need her to drag this out of me. Prove to me that whatever fucked up stuff I have going on in my head, she isn’t running.
My mind is a swarm of death and destruction. One after another, piling on top of me until it crushes me.
“Let’s start with last night,” she breathes.
She positions herself in front of me, cross-legged. She reaches forward and laces her fingers through mine. I look down at our entwined hands and smile.
“I saw what the damage I was doing to you, I spiraled. I thought you’d all be better off without me.”
Fuck. The words burn as they come out of my mouth and I see the sadness on her face. She’s trying to hide it, I know. She wants to protect me from the pain I cause.
I release my hand from hers and twirl the rings on my fingers.
“There is more to this than just what happened between us, isn’t there?” she asks.
I’m shutting down. I can feel it happening. She moves closer, shifting onto her knees so that our faces are just inches apart.
The softness in her touch as she runs her fingers through my hair soothes me.
“I know you’re holding back on me, Jax. We can’t keep running from this, it won’t work. So I’m going to say something. Is that okay?”
I look into her glistening eyes and nod.
“Jax, I love you so much it hurts, in the best possible way. I meant everything I said last night. You are home now. We are your family and we fight this together.”
Her hands find my cheeks and she wipes away a tear I didn’t even know was falling.
“Fight for us, baby. Let me in. Please let me help you. I want to. I need you with me. Maeve needs her daddy.”
I suck in a breath. Brody’s words echo doubt in my mind, yet again.
She pulls back and tilts her head.
“Jax, what?”
“Is she mine? You promise she is? I mean, I’ll love her either way. She will be my daughter no matter what, but—”
Her brows furrow as she looks at me, tears forming in her own eyes making my heart race. I want Maeve to be mine more than anything.
“There is absolutely no doubt Maeve is your daughter, Jax. I swear on my life. What made you ask that?”
The seriousness on her face says she isn’t lying. Why did I even doubt her?
“Brody, said—”
“She sure as hell isn’t Brody’s. Not even mathematically possible. I didn’t sleep with him for three months before the wedding. There’s no way.”
As she sniffles, I reach out and tightly grip her hand.
Fuck, I’ve hurt her again.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I shouldn’t have even asked.”
With a gentle shake of her head, she reassures me by squeezing my fingers.
“No. I bet that killed you hearing him say that. That isn’t fair.” Her tone is laced with anger.
It did. Amongst everything, that was a spear to the heart.
“We can pick our baby girl up from Lara’s later. I bet she’d love a daddy cuddle.”
A smile creeps up on my lips, just thinking about having my little princess in my arms again.
“I’d like that. I love her, Sof. It killed me not seeing her every day.”
“Well now, you’re home, Jax. No more of that.”
For how long though? Before I fuck it all up again.
A moment of silence passes. I don’t know what to say. I’m scared I’ll get it wrong. I’ll lose her again.
Her thumb moves rhythmically over my knuckle. “I forgive you, Jax. The past is in the past. We move on, together.”
As I look into her eyes, I believe her.
“I want to be here, Sof. This was never about wanting to leave you two, not like that.”
Her lips purse as she stares up at me. “Then tell me, what was it about? How long have you felt like this?”
“Since Kai’s death.” Fuck. Even saying his name, all I can think of is finding his body in the rubble. That guilt takes over, I can’t shake it.
I might not have killed him, but I pulled him into this life. I’m responsible for that. He would want to beat the shit out of me for being like this. For not living when he was gone.
“Hey, baby.”
I can hear Sofia speaking and I struggle to find my way to her. I’m just so fucking lost.
The moment she embraces me, I lean in and rest my head against her shoulder. How many times does she need to see me fall apart? This isn’t fair for her.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t see this earlier.”
I don’t know how long I cling onto her. But, I do until I don’t feel like I’m drowning anymore.
“Jax, I really do love you, I hope you realize that.” Her voice is hoarse, as if she’s been sobbing for hours.
“I love you, Sof. I will never stop.”
“I know.” She leans back and wipes away my tears. At the same time I brush hers away with my thumb.
“Quite the pair, huh?” I joke. When she smiles, it makes my heart flutter.
“How about we go make some breakfast? I’m starving. Then we can talk some more, get Maeve, and then we can stay up all night if we have to? We get this out. Does that sound okay?”
I hesitate. I want to scream “yes”. I know I need to get this off my chest. I just don’t know if I can physically do it. But, I want to try.
“No matter what you tell me, I’m never leaving your side. I’ve got you, we are a team, a family. Please let me love you, Jax. Will you let me do that?”
She presses her nose against mine.
For her, I’ll do just about anything. “I can do that, sweetheart.”
It feels totally natural cooking in the kitchen with Sof. So much so, I forget about everything else, other than us, for a few minutes.
As we sit on the couch with our food, she rests her legs on my lap and gives me a playful smile.
I know she is the one to get me through this. I’m not alone anymore. Nikolai reminded me too as I went to get out of the car last night. We are family.
When I finish my sandwich, I place the plate down and rub small circles on her calf.
“What’s wrong with me, Sof? How can I think like this when I have you and Maeve? What kind of man does that make me?” I shake my head, almost asking myself the question. I don’t understand what is going on in my brain.
“Because you aren’t well, Jax. You can’t help it, just because we can’t see what’s going on up there.” She taps her head. “Doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. You’re the strongest person I know. Just admitting how you feel is proof of that. Men have feelings too. You shouldn’t be afraid to speak about them, not with me.”
It doesn’t mean I’m not ashamed of it. I close my eyes. Trying to compose myself, maybe I can finally talk about Kai without my throat feeling like it’s about to close in on me. It was at that moment, the turning point in my life, when everything shifted, and I knew I would never be the same.
The day I descended into a dark place that I never truly left.
I keep my eyes fixed on the wall in front of me. I can do this.
“It started after Kai died. Not long before I met you. That night with you was the first time I’d felt alive since I buried him.”
I know she knows how that feels with her parents’ death.
“Loss can do some awful things to you, did you ever stop and grieve for him?” she whispers.
“No. I distracted myself. I’ve been numb for two years. Fighting, killing, whatever I can do to get through the day. When I sleep, all I can picture is his body crushed under the rubble. And, the blood pouring from his head.”
I take a breath as the words tumble out of my mouth and run my hand over my face.
“It’s like I died with him too that day, except I wasn’t the one put into the ground.”
Sadness engulfs me.
“That was until I found you again, and Maeve. You gave me something to want to live for. I was happy, I loved every fucking moment.”
We make eye contact and she sniffs.
I lower my head, shame creeping back over me at what I’ve done.
“And then I ruined it all. I hurt you, I lost myself. I didn’t see a way out. I thought you’d all be better off without me. You would be happier if I was dead.”
I gulp down the lump in my throat.
“Oh, Jax. I know it might feel like that, but I’d be so lost without you and so would Maeve. The world would be so black and grey.”
She propels herself towards me and jumps into my lap, holding me tight. Keeping me together.
“How do I fix this, Sof? What if it happens again? What if next time I can’t claw myself out and you aren’t there to help me?” I whisper.
She pulls back, I can feel her brain working as she studies me.
“I think you need to talk to a professional, Jax. We can find someone who can keep it confidential. Do you still want to, umm…”
She pauses, like she’s struggling to say the words.
“No. I don’t think so.” I say it with all of the confidence I can muster. This second, it’s true. But, she’s right. I do need help. I can’t do that to her again.
She blows out a breath. How the fuck did I get this bad?
“Do you ever talk about him? Remember him?” she asks, tilting her head.
“I try my hardest not to. It works best if I bury it.”
She runs her hands through her hair. It’s too real, too final when I speak about Kai out loud in the past tense. So instead, I let it gnaw away at me for years and fester inside.
Her palm works up and down the length of my arm. “Do you want to try? With me? What about one funny memory?”
Part of me wants to run away, but then I remember her face last night. The torture in her eyes as she desperately tried to save me.
She put a damn knife to her throat to stop me from hurting myself.
She deserves this. So, I tell her the first thing that pops into my head.
“Probably the time when he crashed his bicycle and flew over the handles. We’d just got our bikes, well, stolen them, and were trying to get away from the cops. It was always me that found the trouble, and Kai was there behind me cleaning it up.”
“Like a brother.” She looks up at me.
“Exactly.”
Okay. That wasn’t so bad. The memory replays in my head and I feel myself smile.
I reach out and touch her cheek. “He would have liked you.”
“You think?”
“Yep. You keep me in check. Would have saved him a job. And you are the purest, most amazing woman on this earth. It would be harder not to love you.”
“You know I don’t mind keeping you in check.” She smiles.
“You shouldn’t have to. Hell, he shouldn’t have had to either.” My breath catches, and I tip my head back against the couch as tears sting in my eyes.
“You are mine, Jax. Just as I am yours. We’re a family. And do you know what families do?”
I open my mouth to speak and can’t find the words. I lower my chin so I can look at her.
“I-I don’t know, Sof. My own mom didn’t give a shit about me. I lost my dad.” I shrug, trying to keep down the anger brewing inside of me. I’m upset at people I can’t even take it out on.
She pulls my face to hers, like she’s reminding me of where I am.
“We never give up on each other, baby. We are all we have in this life, we take on the world… together. I can’t fix you. But, I can be there through everything, walk side by side with you to take on the bad.”
“I’ll talk to someone, sweetheart. I’ll do it.”
I never want to feel how I did last night.
“You aren’t on your own anymore. You don’t have to fight this alone. I am right here and I am not going anywhere.”
My heart hammers in my chest.
“You really mean that? You want me and this life for you guys? You still want forever?”
“I mean it. We draw a line under the past and we move on. I know you would never intentionally hurt me. I know you love me. I want my family back, I want you back.”
I stroke her hair away from her face, and her nose presses against mine. I’m finally home.
I am where I need to be and where I need to fight to stay, forever.
Her love hauled me out of the depths of hell. She deserves the world to be delivered to her feet and I’ll do that.
“I’ll make you the happiest woman on this planet, I swear. I will love you with everything that I am and ever will be. No matter what, from this day on, I will do right by you and Maeve. Starting with therapy.”
The thought might make me itch. Talking about my feelings with a stranger, but I trust Sofia. She’s training to deal with people exactly like me.
I admire everything about her.
No one should feel as hopeless as I did.
“I’ll get it all taken care of for you, Jax. But, you talk to me, whenever, whatever it is. No more holding it in, can you promise me that?”
“I promise you,” I say. “Thank you, baby,” I whisper, nuzzling my face into her neck.
Gently, she lifts me up by my hair.
“Can I have a kiss now?” she whispers, her breath hitting against my cheek. I can practically sense her smile.
“Is that what you want, baby?”
And like that, my heart races, my body ignites. She brings me to life.
Our lips meet, and I give everything I have in that kiss. All of my love, my truth, my forever. I am hers.
“Now, shall we go get ready and pick up our little girl? The last piece of our puzzle,” she asks.
Another reminder of the life she has given me that I have to fight for.
