“How was your night?” I asked Red as I drove us to school. I wondered if she would remember the conversation we’d had last night. I didn’t expect her to, but I really wanted to know.
She looked at me from beneath her lashes, shaking her head. I caught the playful smile on her lips before she turned her head away and looked out the window.
This felt good. This felt like we were starting to create our own routine. That was good, right?
I was thinking of brushing up on girlfriend-boyfriend rules. Maybe I could ask Cameron, but then I remembered he sucked at relationships. Maybe my brother, Ben?
Oh, wait. He sucked too.
I racked my brain for any of my friends who had a long-term relationship, and I realized with shame that I had none. They were all like me, unless I counted Andrei, who had been with his girlfriend for two years now. But theirs was an open relationship. Screw that.
I wanted Red to be mine only.
I knew I was being possessive, maybe even overbearing, but…I didn’t know how to be anything else.
I just hoped she would accept all of it—all of me.
How the mighty have fallen! I thought to myself. Caleb Lockhart, clueless on how to make a girl fall in love with him.
Love.
Wait, what?
Damn.
I shook my head. I was never one to hide my emotions. What was the point of having feelings if you couldn’t admit to them, even to yourself? All I knew was that I had never felt this way before with anyone else…and it felt really good. Like something I could hold on to for a long time.
I looked at Red’s hands. I missed holding her hand while I drove, but I couldn’t because she was holding the coffee cup with both hands.
“Red?” I glanced at her.
She was still staring out the window, but her body was turned toward me, and I had enough common sense to know that she was paying attention to me. Body Language 101.
“Are you going to drink that tea?” I asked.
She shook her head, still not looking at me. Okay, then. I grabbed the tea from her hands and placed it in the cup holder. She turned her eyes on me, puzzled. I gave her a smile and reached for her hand, interlacing our fingers.
There.
Everything was all right in Caleb’s world again. I let out a satisfied sigh.
Once we got to school, I walked her to class. I knew people were staring at us. I had a reputation on campus. I was fine with it, but I was concerned about Red. I hoped it didn’t bother her.
“So, I’ll meet you at the cafeteria after your exam,” I said. “We’ll have a bite to eat before I drive you to work.” I realized what I was doing. I was telling her what to do again, so I rephrased. “If you like. We could eat anywhere. You call the shots.”
“Caleb.”
“Yes?”
“Thank you for…” She lifted her hands, palms up, in a helpless gesture.
My heart ached. She didn’t know how to express her emotions. I wanted so badly to know what had happened, why she was this way. I guessed I needed to earn her trust first.
“You don’t need to say a word,” I said, meaning it.
She looked at me with bewildered eyes, as if she was trying to decide whether to believe me or not.
She said her exam would take two hours, so I decided to go to the multipurpose room to play pool or just hang with my teammates. I was waiting for my turn when I felt someone poke my back. I turned around and stared into the smiling eyes of Beatrice-Rose.
“Hey, Caleb!” she exclaimed. She tried to wrap her arms around my neck, but she was petite and ended up hugging my torso instead.
“Hey, Beatrice-Rose! How are you?” She had cut her blond hair short, and her bangs swayed softly above her pale-blue eyes. “You look great,” I said, smiling back.
She pulled back, moving her hands to my biceps. Was she squeezing them? I bet she was. She liked big arms on guys.
“Oh, Caleb, be still my heart. You look gorgeous, as always.”
It was good to see her again. She was a childhood friend…and then more than a friend on and off for years. She had taken two semesters off from school to go to Paris to… I racked my brain, trying to remember what she’d told me before she left. Ah. To find herself. Soul searching or something like that.
She pouted, shaking her head at me. “Why are you calling me Beatrice-Rose? Call me B, like you used to.”
I gave her an indulgent smile. “Sure, B. So, did you find your soul in Paris?”
She paused, as if she didn’t expect the question and her brain was trying to adjust to the conversation. Then she threw her head back, laughing.
“Oh, Caleb, how I’ve missed you! Why don’t we catch up tonight? Dinner, same time and place?”
I knew I looked uncomfortable. Damn, I felt uncomfortable. How did I explain this to her? We had a past, but never a commitment. People thought she was the closest thing I had to a girlfriend, but I’d never called her that. I’d never wanted one until Red.
Beatrice-Rose had approached me a few times over the years to hang out, and I almost always said yes—unless I was dating a different girl. But that stopped a few years ago because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. And it sure wasn’t going to happen today, tomorrow, or ever, because…
“I have a girlfriend.”
She removed her hands from my arms. “Okay, Caleb. You mean you’re dating someone else right now? That’s fine. She’ll be gone next week, yes?”
I shook my head. “No. I’m really serious with this one.”
She raised an eyebrow, surprise on her face. When a girl raised an eyebrow without smiling, I knew it spelled trouble for me.
“Really, Caleb?”
I nodded.
“Wow. Let me get my breath back here.” She placed her hand on her chest dramatically, then smiled at me widely. “Caleb, I am so happy for you! This is major news.”
I nodded, pleased that she’d taken it well. I liked Beatrice-Rose as a person. She was always classy and poised, kind to everyone. That was why we got along really well.
“Finally found the one, did you? I hope she gives you a really hard time.” She chuckled.
“Oh, she does, believe me. She’s different, you know?”
Beatrice-Rose was quiet for a moment, her eyes studying my face. I squirmed.
“Yes, I can see that. Well, it’s official, then! I have to meet her.”
“I’m sure you will sometime,” I confirmed.
Our families were very close. When we were kids, Beatrice-Rose, my brother, and I often spent time together on family trips or gatherings.
“We have to catch up and have some coffee soon. We’re still friends, aren’t we?”
I smiled at her and nodded, because whatever had happened between us before, she was right. We were still friends. “Of course.”
She smiled and waved. “See you later, then.”
I looked at my watch. Twenty more minutes until Red was done, but I decided to go to the cafeteria. I didn’t want her sitting alone, and I wanted to get her something to eat. I bought her favorite—green tea and a cinnamon bun—and was looking for a seat when I saw her, already at a table in the back corner of the room.
“Hey, Red. I’m sorry. I thought I still had”—I checked my watch—“ten minutes before you were done. Did you wait long?”
She shook her head. “I just got here.”
“How was your exam?”
Her face split into a wonderful smile that stunned me. She was so beautiful…
Damn, I’m whipped.
So, I realized, this was what made her happy. Acing her exams. Good to know.
I sat across from her, stretching my legs under the table to loosely bracket hers. I noticed she moved her legs close together, being very careful not to touch mine. She was fighting it. I grinned.
“I bought you some food,” I said, pushing the tray in front of her.
She studied me again, her dark eyes looking vulnerable. This girl was so wary of love that it made my heart ache.
“You don’t have to throw yourself at me. A simple thank-you will do,” I quipped.
“Why are you doing this? Why do you take care of me so much?”
My Red. So alone. So lonely. I’m here now.
“I don’t think you’ll believe me, even if I tell you.”
Her shoulders lifted in a sigh. She lowered her head, staring at her tea. She was avoiding my eyes, which was fine. That just meant I could admire her to my heart’s content.
“We need to do something about Kara and Cameron,” she said after a moment.
I smiled. “I agree. How about this summer? This semester is almost done. After it’s over, we could go to my mom’s beach house and take them with us.”
“I don’t know. Don’t you think that’s going a little overboard?” She lifted her eyes, studying my face for a few moments. “Your hair is getting long.”
Okay, change of subject. My hand automatically ran through my hair. “I still look gorgeous. What, you want me to cut it?”
“No,” she said a little too quickly. “I mean, do whatever you want. Why are you asking me?”
I frowned, leaning forward. “Why do you fight it so much?”
I waited for her answer, but it didn’t come.
“You’re fighting what you feel for me. I can feel it. Why?” I persisted.
She pulled her hands into her lap, hiding them from me. I let out a sigh.
“Let’s play a game,” I suggested. “How about I’ll tell you something I know about you, and then you tell me something you know about me.”
That did it. I got half a smile from her.
“Shouldn’t it be the other way around?”
I shook my head. “Nope. You see, I like discovering things by myself. I don’t like things handed to me. I like it when I have to work hard.”
She tilted her head as if trying to decipher the meaning behind my words.
Yes, I thought, I am talking about you.
“I’ll go first then, since you look very enthusiastic about this.”
She looked nervous but interested. I had her attention now.
“You don’t like black olives,” I said.
Her eyes narrowed. She was ever the suspicious one. I laughed.
“How do you know that?” she demanded.
Tongue in cheek, I replied, “Well…I had you investigated.”
“What the—” she stammered.
I laughed. “Kidding. When we ordered pizza the other night, you picked them off. Now it’s your turn.”
She bit her lip. “You hate dishes in the sink, except for an empty glass. You always leave an empty glass.”
My smile reached my ears. She was paying attention to me. Since she wasn’t drinking her tea, I grabbed it and took a sip.
“You don’t like the dark,” I said. “You sleep with your lights on.”
I meant to tease her, but something like fear flashed in her eyes. She was quiet for a moment, and I wondered what she was thinking. But then the cobwebs in her eyes cleared and she smirked.
“I can sleep with it off sometimes.” She paused, then her nose twitched. “Your feet smell.”
I choked on green tea. “Hey, only after basketball practice.” I coughed. “My feet are sexy.”
She wrinkled her nose, fighting a smile. “You call your mom every day just to say hi,” she said.
I grinned. She probably didn’t realize it, but it was my turn. I didn’t say anything, though. I found that I liked it a lot when she talked about me.
“Not denying it. I’m a proud mama’s boy, but just a couple times a week.”
Since she wasn’t eating her bun, I pinched a piece off and fed it to her. She glared at me but accepted it. She pinched off almost half of the bun and shoved it in my mouth in retaliation.
“You like girls.”
I chewed fast and swallowed. “Ha! That’s too easy. But wrong. I only like one girl now. And it feels like it’s going to stay that way for a long, long time.”
She gulped. I reached for her hand, rubbing her skin with my thumb.
“I don’t know what to do with you,” she said softly.
“Give me a chance,” I whispered.
Be with me.
I stared into her eyes. I felt like I could drown in their depths. They held so much in them. So much pain, so much love.
“I want to tell you something,” I said, still holding her hand. When she nodded, I began. “When I’ve told you that I haven’t felt this way before, I’ve never been more serious in my life.”
She looked at me as if she was about to say something, but then changed her mind and just kept silent. I dropped it. If she wasn’t ready, then she wasn’t ready. I had a lot of time to convince her. She’d learn to trust me eventually.
“Pancakes?” I asked hopefully.
She shook her head. “I have work in a few hours, Caleb. I can’t.”
“I’ll drive you to work.”
“No.”
“Don’t you get tired of saying no to me?”
“No.”
Oh, this girl… I scooted my chair beside hers, and she looked askance at me. Wrapping my hand around her wrist, I pulled her up from her chair. She gasped as she landed on my lap.
“Caleb,” she murmured. “What are you doing?”
I could feel my body responding to her, and I instantly turned hard. She smelled so good, felt so good. I closed my eyes. What. The. Hell. Was. I. Doing?
“Damn.” I raked my hair with my fingers, frustrated. I was turned on, and she hadn’t lifted a finger. “I’m sorry, Red. I’m just…”
Horny.
Yeah, dude, tell her. I bet that would go really smoothly.
“I want you.”
Her eyes widened in realization.
Now you get it. Please, don’t run away.
I felt nervous, my heart pounding, sweat on my forehead. She froze, staring at me like a deer caught in headlights.
“I want you so much it hurts. You’re the only thing I think about. I’m fucking obsessed with you.”
My. Mouth.
My problem sometimes was that I was too honest for my own good. I held her face between my hands. We were in the cafeteria at lunchtime, with people gaping around us. I didn’t care.
“Caleb, we are in the cafe—”
“I don’t care about them. They’re not important. No one has ever been important to me. Until you.”
She was breathing hard, like she’d just run a marathon.
“Do you trust me?” I asked.
She looked hesitant, but nodded eventually.
“All right, then. Let’s get the hell away from here. We have time before your shift starts.”
I grasped her waist as I rose, sliding her to standing. I grabbed her backpack and slung it over my shoulder, then reached for her hand.
“Pancakes,” I said, but she didn’t reply.
“Pancakes,” I repeated, waiting for her to acknowledge me.
She looked up with those expressive, lovely eyes. “Pancakes,” she replied.
* * *
Veronica
Caleb drove us to the beach again. This seemed to be his go-to place if he was feeling intense emotions. That was fine. I liked the beach, especially when he was with me.
He held my hand again as we drove there. It felt good. It also made me uncomfortable because I knew it was becoming a habit, and I didn’t know how to stop it—or if I wanted to.
The sun was sprawled in the clear blue sky, but there were only a few people at the beach sunbathing. I could taste the water in the air, the humidity enveloping me. With Caleb holding my hand and his green eyes looking into mine, I felt like I was in a different universe. Somewhere no problems existed. Somewhere hope and happiness lived.
He spread a blanket on the sand and pulled me down with him. He was lying on his side facing me while I was on my back. He draped his arm over my waist, pulling me closer to him. The beach seemed to have a mellowing effect on me because I let him hold me without any protest. Or maybe Caleb was growing on me.
“What’s wrong, Red?”
I realized I had been staring at the sky, lost in my thoughts.
“Will you tell me what you’re thinking?” His fingers reached for mine again, intertwining. Caleb had a fascination with lacing our fingers together. I liked it a lot too. Sometimes when I hadn’t seen him in a while, my hand tingled, as if missing his.
Missing something was the last thing I wanted. I didn’t want to yearn for anything. Yearning meant heartbreak. Every time I felt myself responding to Caleb, I stopped myself. But his strong presence and his constant caring were breaking down my defenses.
I constantly pushed him away, but he kept coming back. I knew he wanted to know why I was so afraid, why I kept myself at a distance.
I could feel his eyes on me and his silent plea that I open up to him. When I turned to look at him, something in his eyes had my heart skipping a beat. “Caleb…”
He didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to. I saw the understanding in his eyes, the patience. And I knew even if I didn’t say anything in this moment, he would be okay with that. And that somehow made it impossible for me to keep holding back.
“It’s hard for me to talk about it,” I started. “I need to…” I sat up, feeling the need to put some space between us. I was going to give this part of myself to him, expose my weakness to him willingly, and I needed some distance. Some sort of protection. I wrapped my arms around my middle. He sat up beside me, silent, waiting.
“My dad was the only man I loved, and the only person to break my heart. I remember times when he was so attentive, so loving, but then he would change drastically. In the blink of an eye, he’d be a different person.
“He made me feel…unworthy. Always reminded me that I didn’t deserve to be loved, that it was my fault his relationship with my mom fell apart. It made me feel…guilty.
“He blamed me for every bad thing that happened to him. Over and over again. I-I can still hear his voice sometimes. I usually block it, but sometimes…sometimes I feel like he’s right.” I shook my head, erasing the memories forcing their way into my head.
“No, Red. He couldn’t have been more wrong.”
I shook my head again. “It’s okay. I don’t really want to discuss him anymore.”
“Did he…hurt you?”
I lowered my eyes, afraid to answer.
“Red?”
I looked up but didn’t say anything. Caleb nodded, acknowledging that he understood I wasn’t ready to talk about it, and why I was this way—guarded, stubborn, suspicious.
I wanted him to know me. But I was scared to tell him the ugly parts of my life, afraid they would scare him away. But something about Caleb made me feel that he was going to stay. So I started telling him about my mom and dad.
“I was making sandwiches after school one day, and I remember feeling very excited because my mom promised we would go to the movies. We both loved movies. That was how we bonded, you know? Movies. I wanted to watch a comedy, but she wanted a romance.”
I tried to turn away from him, but Caleb stopped me, pleading with his eyes to stay with him this way. I relented.
“So I was ready, even wrapped up some sandwiches and drinks to bring. I kept them in my backpack to sneak them in. We couldn’t afford the popcorn they sell at the movies, but I didn’t care about that. I wanted to spend time with my mom. We were walking to the theater, and then I saw my dad. He was in a car. And I was thinking, Why is he in a car? We don’t have a car…and then a woman got inside the car with him. And they kissed.
“My mom…” I choked. “My mom saw it, but she didn’t…didn’t do anything. But I saw how it hurt her. She…placed her fist on her chest, just like this,” I said, imitating the way I remembered her doing it. “And closed her eyes, just taking deep breaths. I waited for her to confront my dad… But then she just smiled and told me we should get going or we’d miss the beginning of the show.”
Caleb wrapped his arms around me, and I melted into him. I wasn’t going to cry. He smelled so good. So familiar.
“She passed away…my mom. I was adopted. I really don’t know who my biological parents are, but that doesn’t matter to me anymore. All I needed was my mom. She wasn’t perfect, but she tried her best. She never left him, and I didn’t understand that. I still don’t.”
Caleb started rubbing my back, and I let out a sigh of pleasure. It felt good. It felt really good.
“I understand,” he said quietly. “I don’t understand why my mom didn’t leave my dad either.” He held my shoulders and turned me so he could look into my eyes.
“I swear when we get married, we are never going to divorce. You’re it for me. Until I die. And that goes for you as well, okay?”
I stared at him in horror. My mouth opened, but nothing came out. If he was trying to distract me from my sad memories, he was succeeding.
He grinned at me and placed a finger on my chin to close my mouth.
“Breathe,” he said. “Everything is going to be okay.”
I sputtered, glaring at him. I started to get up, but he just wrapped me in his arms, holding me in place.
“What, you mad that I don’t have a ring with me?” His green eyes danced playfully, but there was a depth there, something vulnerable begging me not to walk away.
I blinked.
“What the hell, Caleb.” There were butterflies in my stomach, and I felt a little queasy.
He placed his chin on top of my head as he chuckled. “When I propose, I want to sweep you off your feet, so no, you are not getting a proposal from me today. Be patient.”
Was he joking? I didn’t even try to figure him out anymore. He was definitely joking. There was no way he could be serious about this.
I would not take him seriously.
“Haven’t you figured me out yet? I’m pretty simple, Red. You’re the one who thinks I’m complicated.”
Silence.
“How about I tell you a story,” he said.
I shook my head again, fighting a smile. “Okay.”
I pulled away and looked at him, ready to listen.
“It’s one of my favorite parts in Alice in Wonderland. Alice asks the White Rabbit, ‘How long is forever?’ The White Rabbit answers, ‘Sometimes just one second.’ This”—he kissed my lips—“this feels like forever right here.” He stared into my eyes. “How can I not wish for that?”
