Red Handed
my words caught in my throat as I still couldn’t believe the sight in front of me,
There seated at my desk in her favourite purple blouse and gingham brown trousers with her arms folded and unfaltering expression was none other than my mother, Xolani Nnandi in the flesh. She hadn’t changed since the last time I saw her when she’d dropped me off at the airport three months ago and from the way she looked at me, I’d done nothing but change. I immediately untangled myself from River’s grip and made my way over to her.
She wrapped me in a cold embrace, she was hugging me but there was nothing motherly or loving about her touch and I could almost feel the disappointment oozing off of her as I turned to River who was still standing in the doorway evidently as perplexed at the scene as I was.
‘Do you have no manners?’ Mama sneered, approaching River’s gaze— a clear attempt to intimidate him, ‘At least have the courtesy to give me some time alone with my daughter.’
Mama had clearly never met River because he was almost as stern and unbothered as she was, he merely turned his gaze to me to make sure I’d be okay.
‘It’s okay River, just go,’ I told him and it pained me to do so more than anything, but I knew if I had any chance of talking to my mom about us that him being in the room would make things worse.
He nodded silently before leaving the room and then it was just mama and I and all the things that needed to be said wallowing in the atmosphere. And of course, she spoke first, because even after all these years I couldn’t bring myself to look her in the eye when I’d wronged her.
‘So this is what your papa and I sent you to France to do eh, fornicate with men?’ Mama spat bitterly and it felt like a blow to the stomach, ‘I knew this was why you insisted on leaving home so soon, your papa will be so disappointed in you.’
‘It’s not at all what you think mama!’ I protested and kneeled before her, ‘I came here because of my art, because I want to share it with the world and make you proud!’
‘What I just witnessed in the doorway to your bedroom with that man says otherwise.’ She retaliated and I sighed taking a deep breath,
‘My relationship with River just– it just happened. And I tried so hard not to care for him but I do and he cares for me too I know it.’ It wasn’t even a relationship but I knew referring to it as anything else would only make her angrier.
‘Relationship?’ She laughed clapping her hands, ‘So you think you are a woman now eh, you are mature enough to be allowing men in your bed and neglecting your studies?’
‘I have not neglected my studies, I have been working so hard to please you and papa, every day I’ve spent at the academy!’ I burst out and she was taken aback,
‘That ignorant white man has made you lose your senses-‘ She began but I cut her off once more,
‘Do not speak about him that way, you don’t know him.’ I protested but that’s when I felt the sharp impact of her hand against my cheek, her slap was quick and just as painful as it felt when I was a disobedient child.
‘Don’t you dare speak to me in that way!’ Mama scolded her ageing dark brown eyes stern, ‘Nilikaa siku mbili katika uchungu wa kuzaa na nilijua utakuwa mgumu. Nilichukulia jukumu hilo kwa wepesi na sitatoa maisha yako ya baadaye kwa mzungu ambaye hatakuona kama rangi ya ngozi yako.’ I stayed two days in labour pains and I knew it would be hard. I took that responsibility and you will not give your future life to a white man who will never be able to see you as any more than the colour of your skin. ‘You may think I don’t understand but I do and that’s why you’re coming home with me for Thanksgiving, and I don’t think it’s best for you to return.’
Mama hadn’t slapped me since I was eight years old, because I hadn’t given her a reason to, not that anyone can ever give a parent a reason to hit them. It’s just how things had been growing up in an African household, it’s a form of discipline no matter how cruel and unnecessary a punishment. I didn’t dare look up at her, because if I did I would cry and I didn’t want to cry in front of her.
I couldn’t let her take away my dreams when they were the only thing that kept me going the entire time I lived under her roof. I couldn’t let her bitter my first taste at the sweeter things life had to offer and most importantly I couldn’t let her take me away from the man I had grown to care for, away from River Kennedy. But I knew better than to think there was any changing my mother’s mind once she’d made it up, I would be going home with her for Thanksgiving and probably never returning.
‘I will be back tomorrow morning to pick you up, I’m staying at The Rocher Hotel, our flight is at eight and I highly suggest you pack everything.’ She insisted, leaning down to kiss me on the exact cheek she’d hurt a few seconds ago, I flinched away from her touch and she gave me a cold smile.
‘Everything I do I do for you.’ She told me, like that would make things better, before she left the room.
I checked my phone and there was River’s name on the screen, he was calling me, but why? I picked up the phone and my heart leapt when I heard his voice on the other end.
‘Let’s go.’ He said and my mind was still far too scrambled by my mother’s words to even fathom what he was saying,
‘Where?’ I asked,
‘Does it matter?’ He replied and he was right, it didn’t fucking matter I just wanted to leave right now.
I raced back down campus and got in the front seat of his Porsche, a few girls from my class gossiping by the bench, but I ignored them. River turned to me and noticed the slight redness in my cheek and lifted a hand to caress the swollen spot. His expression was pained at first almost like he too had been hurt but then it turned enraged.
‘Did she do this?’ He asked and I nodded silently in agreement feeling the lump begin to form in my throat and a part of me hoped he wouldn’t ask-
‘Are you okay?’ He asked anyway and that was all it took for me to let a treacherous tear fall down my face and he immediately wiped it away.
‘She’s taking me home with her for Thanksgiving, and she doesn’t want me to come back because she thinks you’re distracting me from my purpose,’ I told him as she told me, “Whatever the hell that meant.”
‘Am I?’ He asked and yet another tear slipped past,
‘No, not at all you’re not to blame for my grades nor for whatever mess I’ve gotten myself into this time. I’m sorry for how she spoke to you earlier, she’s just scared is all.’ I assured him,
‘Of what?’ He retorted and I leaned into the warmth of the palm of his hand,
‘That you’re taking away her daughter.’ I murmured but he somehow heard me, ‘A daughter that was never hers, to begin with.’
‘Armani, I’m sorry.’ River apologized and I gave him a look that said what on earth for? ‘That she hurt you like that and there’s nothing we can do about it. It’s not fucking fair.’
We
We
We
He didn’t say I or you but we and I didn’t know such a little word could mean so very much to me. It’s a word that meant that for the first time in my life, I wasn’t in this on my own.
‘Things are different where I come from, parents see this as a form of discipline out of love and I try to remind myself that no matter how unethical it’s all she knows and all my grandmother knew and her mother before that.’ I tried explaining to him, and while I could tell he still didn’t exactly understand he was willing to accept it. ‘If I don’t come back I-‘
‘Let’s not think that far ahead, let’s think about the now.’ River suggested before I could even finish my sentence, ‘So tell me, what would you like to do now, anything at all?’
‘Anything?’ I reproached and he gives me a lazy smile,
‘Toute ce que tu veux.’ He assures me, anything you want and I didn’t think he had any idea how much power he was giving me and it was for that reason that I said.
‘Let’s go hang out at your place,’ I suggested and he gave me a confused look,
‘I tell you that we can do anything you want for a day and you just want to hang out at my boring penthouse?’ He asked and I nodded in agreement,
‘It’s only boring because you’re always there alone, well now you’ve got me and I’m fun so let go!’ I exclaimed and buckled my seatbelt as he shrugged and started the car down the road to the other side of the city.
Once we arrived at his apartment I raced into the fancy kitchen and started cooking up something for us to eat. I was guessing we’d be pulling an all-nighter and I wasn’t about to starve. I flipped through a few cookbooks and managed to dig up a recipe for vegan mushroom Alfredo which I whipped up in no time with River constantly warning me not to burn his penthouse down.
Once the food was ready I plated the meal for the both of us and we ate on the kitchen island, my eyes met his and a question I’d been meaning to ask for a while popped into my head.
‘How can you afford this place as a college student?’ I asked and he let out a slight laugh, ‘my parents would never agree to pay for a skyline in Paris.’
‘My parents don’t pay for any of this, although they’ve offered many times.’ River disclosed to me, ‘I pay for my expenses with stock shares and money from commissions I do for film stars, critics, and quite frankly anyone else who can afford it.’
The fact that he had film stars commissioning his work took me by surprise and I realised that I’d been watering down how great of an artist he really was, Victoria had once told me but I didn’t listen.
‘Why don’t you stay on campus in the dorms?’ I asked and he paused for a second before replying,
‘It would all be a little much for me, and I don’t think I’d be able to stand having a roommate. If you haven’t already noticed, I quite like the distance and solitude.’ He explained and in a way I actually understood. “I would die before I had to spend any more time without the walls of St Kathrines than necessary.”
‘You’re almost impossible to figure out River Kennedy,’ I remarked and he winked at me,
‘Vous seriez surpris de voir à quel point je suis transparent.’ He commented you’d be surprised just how transparent I really am.
River and I spent the next hour or so playing chess at his pretty crystal glass and cherrywood chess table that he told me was an antique that belonged to his grandfather. I was certain I was kicking his ass at this round but came to see quite the contrary when he knocked over my queen.
‘Checkmate.’ He declared victory with a slight smirk on his Greek god-like face, it was insane how his beauty still managed to take me by surprise.
‘Is there anything you’re not good at?’ I sighed,
‘No.’ He replied honestly leaning in to place his lips against mine.
His kiss was slow at first, then hot, fiery, and passionate. Then next he pinned me to the floor and took over my body completely with his touch. But soon I realized that he wasn’t not doing anything else but kissing me, he was just kissing me, taking the time to appreciate every inch of my full lips on his and it was the most exquisite thing I’d ever experienced.
His tongue slipped past my lips and tamed my own in a slow battle of the purest intentions, but then he stopped with a jagged breath, almost as if struggling to gain composure, then he asked,
‘How can I lose you when I’ve barely had you?’ And I smiled sadly kissing him once more,
‘I wish there was another way,’ I confessed but I knew there wasn’t, I would be leaving the next day and we may never see each other again.
‘Promets-moi une chose?’ River asked, and I didn’t think I’d ever heard his voice so meek and uncertain. Promise me one thing.
‘tout ce que tu veux.’ I repeated as he once said to me earlier today, anything you want.
‘promets moi que ce n’est pas la fin et tu trouveras un moyen de me revenir.’ He said leaning his forehead against mine intimately, promise me this isn’t the end and that you’ll find a way back to me.
‘River you know I can’t promise you that-‘ I began and the look in his perfect blues was enough to break even the strongest part of me,
‘S’il te plaît.’ Please he retorted and I could not deny him,
‘Je promets,’ I promised.
I told River that I would take the bus back to campus because I didn’t want him to drive me to the airport. After all, if he did I wouldn’t be able to leave. I packed up all of my things and said goodbye to all of our friends, a goodbye for now.
I gazed out the plane window as I once did when I first arrived in Paris on that cold summer night, and waved goodbye to the city that I was only just growing to love and had to let go.
