The Blue Train
and I was seated at the table listening to my family’s passionate discussion on thanksgiving. About how it was cruel to celebrate the mass genocide of the Natives of the land and for the first time I could actually agree with my family. The second we moved to Florida mama and papa had made it clear that we would not be partaking in the holiday and that it was not ours to celebrate. I was just digging into the nyama choma and ugali mama and aunty Gertrude had made when I heard the doorbell ring.
‘I’ll get it,’ I announced, getting up from the table and heading to the front door.
And there stood a mailman with a package in hand. I graciously took the package from him and signed for it, still having no idea what was in the box. It had a note on it labelled, For Jaadi and I took it up to his room for him so he could open it after dinner. I headed back to the dinner table and was bombarded with a bunch of questions about who was at the door and what was in the package.
‘I don’t know, it only said that it was for Jaadi, I’m sure it’s probably from aunty Fatima,’ I assured them and started to eat again.
‘Xolani, why would you allow your only daughter to pursue such a fleeting career?’ My uncle Omani asked and I sighed in defeat knowing the exact same conversation I’d been hearing all thanksgiving weekend would erupt once more.
‘I wondered the same thing at first and if it were not for Adamu’s persistence she would’ve never pursued it at my hand,’ Mama replied taking a sip from her wine glass and gesturing to Papa,
‘I may have been sceptical at first of her little hobby.’ There it was again, little hobby, ‘But only a fool wouldn’t be able to see that my Armani has got a natural talent for the arts, have you not seen her paintings in the house brother? how could I not encourage my only daughter to follow her passions?’
‘It’s unconventional and what space does the art industry have for African women these days?’ Uncle Omani questioned and he was right, they probably didn’t realise but all the questions they were asking right now I’d asked myself years ago.
What space did the art industry have for women of colour these days? What space did the art industry have for women of colour….ever? I was on a mission not to merely ask to be considered no— I would demand their attention and who were they to deny me? I’d allowed myself to slip up once yes, but never again I wouldn’t allow myself to fall prey to failure again. I had to admit constantly being compared to and competing against the guy you liked could take a toll on you.
‘Why are you speaking as though Armani is not right in front of you, oh?’ Jaadi asked and mama shot him the death glare and he was immediately silent,
Thank you I mouthed to him and he smiled, he was my little superhero always coming to my rescue. It’s a shame it had to be from our own family.
‘I see you have passed on that sharp tongue of yours to your poor brother hm?’ Mama spat and I couldn’t help but lose my cool this time,
‘It’d be easier to blame me, wouldn’t it? than to actually accept the fact that maybe he’s growing up and starting to see things— scratch that, you for who you really are. And perhaps he doesn’t like what he sees.’ I commented silently so only she could hear me,
‘Hold your tongue-‘ Mama began but I was so damn tired of it all,
‘Or what?’ I scoffed ‘Are you going to hit me again? I’m eighteen years old now mama, huwezi kuniumiza tena.’ I spoke to her in Swahili which I rarely ever did and my statement took her by surprise as I stood up to wash my plate. You can’t hurt me anymore.
I made my way upstairs with Jaadi to open up the package he’d received, we plopped down on his bed as he tore off the tape and cardboard and to his surprise, he found one of the model toy trains he’d been admiring in the catalogue. I’d seen it and it was an expensive one at that, it was made of silver and had a clean coating of marine blue paint and even had his name engraved at the bottom. I couldn’t even imagine how much money aunty Fatima had spent on this gift, It was so thoughtful of her.
‘I can’t believe this is real!’ Jaadi exclaimed excitedly, already beginning to piece all the parts together.
‘Well believe it, because it’s yours now and you mustn’t forget to call aunty Fatima tomorrow to thank her for your gift,’ I explained and he nodded enthusiastically in agreement,
‘Of course, this is an original model X, it’s an exact replica of the 1945 Blue Eagle!’ Jaadi rambled on and on about a bunch of train technology I didn’t understand but I pretended to because it made him happy to know that someone was listening.
I got the sense that no one had done that in a while since I left. And I knew better than anyone that sometimes all you needed was for someone to hear you.
I had someone who heard me too, but I may never see him again and It was getting hard to pretend that that wasn’t breaking my heart. Tears began to pool in my eyes watching Jaadi play with his new toy train and how happy he was. It made me remember how happy I was in Paris with my friends and how I’m supposed to be back in class on Tuesday and my flight was supposed to leave today.
‘Are you okay Armani?’ Jaadi asked,
‘Of course I’m fine, just allergies, have fun with your new train I’m going to get ready for bed!’ I dismissed as cheerfully as I could sniffling and wiping away a tear that nearly fell down my cheek.
‘Okay, goodnight!’ He said as I closed the door and headed to my room.
The first thing I did was log onto my computer and email River again in the hopes that he was awake, which he probably wasn’t but it was still worth a try.
TO: River Kennedy <[email protected]>
FROM: Armani Nnandi <[email protected]>
SUBJECT: I’m losing hope
My flight was supposed to leave today and my parents are acting like nothing happened, like they aren’t crushing my dreams. Ugh God I’m so sorry I’m emailing you this late, but I have no one else to talk to who would understand.
Please be there to understand?
TO: Armani Nnandi <[email protected]>
FROM: River Kennedy <[email protected]>
SUBJECT: Don’t
I’m always here to understand.
Even though for the record I was asleep haha. There is still time for them to change their mind, don’t give up before you’ve even tried.
TO: River Kennedy <[email protected]>
FROM: Armani Nnandi <[email protected]>
SUBJECT: Sorry I’m such a loser
Yeah, let’s hope there’s still time. Thanks for talking, how was your thanksgiving? Mine was beyond BRUTAL.
TO: Armani Nnandi <[email protected]>
FROM: River Kennedy <[email protected]>
SUBJECT: The thanksgiving surprise
In case you forgot, we don’t celebrate Thanksgiving either. When ma mère ordered my father home for the weekend I knew that it had to be important, and it all explained why she kept asking me all those personal questions.
She’s pregnant and she wanted to know how I felt about it. I told her that I was happy for her, and that it would be odd. Not being the only child after 19 years.
TO: River Kennedy <[email protected]>
FROM: Armani Nnandi <[email protected]>
SUBJECT: Welcome To The Club!
I don’t know why, but I can’t seem to imagine you, as an older brother, you give off such only child energy. Congratulations to your mom and I know you’ll make a good brother, I’m almost as protective of Jaadi as a mother would be. I vowed to be who I needed when I was younger for him. And you won’t believe it, my aunt managed to send him his DREAM TRAIN. He’s so happy and it makes me happy to see him happy 🙂
Just as I hit the send key I heard a knock on my bedroom door, it was papa and he had a sealed brown envelope in his hand.
‘I thought you were asleep?’ I questioned and papa chuckled,
‘How could I fall asleep knowing my light was unhappy now eh? I had to wait till your mama was asleep to give you this.’ He said handing me the sealed envelope which read,
SEASHORE AIRLINES: ARMANI OYANA NNANDI
My mouth hung open in shock and disbelief, ‘You didn’t,’ I muttered and papa nodded,
‘Yes I did, your flight back to the city of lights leaves at 4 AM make sure your mama doesn’t hear or see you leaving or we’re both in trouble.’ He added and I agreed enthusiastically before wrapping my arms around him and thanking him a million times for making this effort for me.
‘Thank you so so much!’ I chirped joyously, this was the happiest I’d been since I’d seen mama in my dorm room that day.
‘Chase what makes you happy, just don’t stay down too long if you happen to fall.’ Papa cautioned, ‘Until next time, Oyana.’
‘Until next time papa,’ I replied as he kissed my forehead and made his way out of my room.
I contemplated whether or not to call River and my friends immediately and inform them of the news that I’d indeed be returning but I wanted it to be a surprise so I decided to kept it to myself. I checked my computer screen and saw one last email from River that made my heart drop.
TO: Armani Nnandi <[email protected]>
FROM: River Kennedy <[email protected]>
SUBJECT: Sometimes the wrong train takes you to the right station.
I hope Jaadi liked his new blue train.
Talk later, thinking of you.
RK
I couldn’t believe it, I quite literally could not believe this new wave of information. I thought it was aunty Fatima who’d bought that expensive ass train for Jaadi, but now it all made sense and all the pieces of the puzzle were fitting together simultaneously. If it were her she would’ve signed it and made sure to call to make sure it’d been delivered, but again she hadn’t and I couldn’t believe River had gone out of his way to do something like this for my little brother whom he’d never even met.
It was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me, because they’d done it for my brother and that truly meant the world to me. I’d thank him over text but that wouldn’t be enough, I’d thank him when I saw him tomorrow.
I couldn’t believe I would be seeing him again tomorrow.
It hurt me more than I’d expected, not being able to say goodbye to mama, despite everything she was still my mother and I loved her but this was for the best. I couldn’t let anyone— even her stand in the way of my dreams, of my purpose. The flight back to Paris was just as I’d remembered, thrilling, long and anticipating. I hadn’t told any of my friends I was coming back today purposefully.
When the plane began its descent the flight attendant began to hand out fortune cookies after the poorly tasting meals. I cracked mine open and it read; you will soon learn why some things are better kept secret and why one should keep their friends close and their enemies closer.
I laughed and ate the rest of the cookie, these things always had the most pointless and cryptic messages in them. Once the plane landed I checked in and texted River,
ME: Airport
RIVER: What??
Me: right now!
Read at 16:45PM
After about 20 minutes or so River texted me that he was there and I nervously made my way out of the airport, when I saw him, six-foot-something tall and wearing all black and standing by his Porsche. Oddly enough his hair seemed to have grown longer within the past week and he appeared even prettier to me than he was the first time I saw him. I dragged my suitcase along with me as I made my way up to him and stopped in my tracks.
My heart felt so full and yet so empty at the same time, I smiled and so did he. He seemed so genuinely happy to see me and that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and have him spin me around like in one of those cheesy romance films I’d watched when I was younger. But again, to hold him felt way more intimate and I was way too much of a coward to take that step.
And yet to my complete surprise when I didn’t reach forward he did, he embraced me in his arms, and because of how much taller he was than me my feet lifted off the ground a little. He leaned his head into the crook of my neck and whispered something incoherent. He took me into his arms and I held him closer to me than I ever had before and It was better than anything we’d ever done before this. Nothing compared to the feeling of seeing someone your heart has longed for so dearly after being apart. I felt happier than I’d been in a while. So much happier.
We didn’t say anything after that, he loaded my suitcase into the trunk of his car and we drove in silence, because everything we wanted to say we already felt, and we had this mutual understanding of sorts that things would be different now.
Good different.
