Nine Years Ago
“Alex, you’re finally home.”
Samantha appeared out of the living room, standing inside the hallway with her arms crossed over her chest. I looked at my watch, only noticing now it was after seven. I’m not surprised she’s angry since I told her I’d be home for dinner.
This had become a regular occurrence lately, and I knew I had to start being more careful. Soon, I kept telling myself, soon.
“Sorry, I got caught up at the hospital with Dad,” I lied.
“Well, you’re here now, I guess. I have some news to tell you.” Her face brightened as she bounced around me. “Come, sit down.”
I followed her to the living room. She patted the couch where I reluctantly took a seat next to her, exhausted from the double life I was living. Samantha continued to smile, something I hadn’t seen in a while. She’s a beautiful woman. Her long golden blonde hair flowed down her back, her azul eyes sparkling as she spoke. I remembered a time when I couldn’t get enough of her. But that was before…
“Alex, I’m pregnant.”
She was what?
Each word was like dynamite exploding one after another. Jerking my head back, my brain couldn’t comprehend, and I blurted out the first words that came to mind. “How did this happen? I haven’t fucked you in three months!”
I began to tremble with rage, my angered gaze slicing through her as I distanced myself from where she sat. Every scenario ran through my mind, but all I could come up with was nothing. I had no recollection of touching her, let alone sticking my dick inside of her long enough to get her pregnant.
Her demeanor changed with the cut of my words. The beautiful smile disappeared, her face turned red, the veins on her forehead were ready to burst at any given moment. She folded her arms, her chest rising and falling at a fast pace. I braced myself knowing the storm was about to hit, and I was standing in its path.
“That’s nice, Alex. You can’t even remember fucking your wife,” she shot back. Animosity lingered in her words, and unable to look at her, I paced the area near the couch. “It was that night you came home drunk a month ago. I remember it because you couldn’t get enough of me, fucking me for hours telling me how much you loved me.” Lost in thought, she paused, the smirk of satisfaction subsiding as if she realized the enormity of this situation.
I remembered the night. It was the night Charlotte and I were doing tequila shots behind the bleachers at school. She had dared me to take shots from her belly, but I thought it was more interesting for her to hold the shot glass between her thighs. We fucked twice on the cold, dirty ground, and all I can remember was dragging myself home completely inebriated and passing out in our bed.
How could you let this happen?
The temperature was rising in the room. Suddenly, my chest tightened, unable to swallow, unable to breathe, my hands shaking uncontrollably.
I knew the signs.
I was having a panic attack.
“You took advantage of me?” I yelled as my panic morphed into anger.
Her stare was cold and uninviting. She was no longer the sweet girl I married in college, but I knew that was my fault, I brought this out of her. I felt a pang of guilt. I screwed this up big time. Fuck, what will my mom and dad say? What the hell will Adriana say? It occurred to me at this moment that I actually didn’t give a shit what they thought. It was Charlotte plaguing me, and the hurt this would cause.
I eyed the vase sitting on the table, and with a lapse in judgment, I whacked the fucking ugly piece of shit, watching it smash against the wall into a million pieces, the flowers and water scattering all across the room.
Samantha jumped in shock followed by a small whimper. “Took advantage of you?” she cried, throwing her arms in the air. “You are my husband, not hers!”
I froze.
Not even a flinch.
I knew she had suspected something. I just didn’t know how much she knew. My tongue was tied, there were no words I could say right now that could erase this moment.
This was it—she knew.
No turning back.
No denying the truth.
The moment I had dreaded since the day I fell in love with Charlotte had come, but this wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. There wasn’t supposed to be a baby involved. The room remained silent. I buried my head in my hands unable to cope with the magnitude of the situation.
“Samantha…” I didn’t know how to respond, unable to rid myself of the dullness in my chest, the heaviness of my actions crippling my ability to think straight.
What would Charlotte think when she found out? I promised her I hadn’t touched Samantha since we began our affair. My stomach churned—I couldn’t lose her. No way could I lose Charlotte. I wouldn’t know how to live without her. The pain in my chest deepened as the possibility weighed heavily on my mind that Charlotte would walk out of my life for good.
“Anyway, I’m sure your little girlfriend will find out soon. Kaley Wilson was at the doctor’s office when I found out. We had a nice little chat,” she gloated.
Kaley Wilson, the little bitch, had made life hell for Charlotte. She was probably knocking on Charlotte’s door right now spreading the news. I needed to get out, I needed a chance to explain all this to Charlotte. She needed to know how sorry I was, but more importantly, that I didn’t mean to hurt her. My poor Charlotte, my heart sank knowing what was coming. The urge to protect her from the pain was the only thing I was determined to do.
The doorbell rang much to my surprise as we weren’t expecting anyone. Samantha walked over to open the door, and I heard the voices, recognizing them immediately. It was my parents and sister. I prepared myself for what was about to come.
“Hi, son. Samantha called us over saying you had some news.”
My mother leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. Her face excited, I knew she had suspected something, her life-long dream of being a grandmother finally being fulfilled. I couldn’t keep up the charade, the anger I felt right now was overwhelming.
“Please, Andrew and Emily, sit down.” Samantha led them to the living room, my sister grabbing Samantha’s hand, jumping up and down.
“Would anyone like a drink?” Samantha asked.
“We’re fine, sweetheart. Please, what’s the big news?”
“Well, I might as well get straight to the point. Alex and I are expecting a baby!” she squealed.
Adriana started jumping up and down, hugging Samantha, careful not to squeeze her. My mother, already crying, also stood to hug Samantha.
My father remained still, pressing his lips tightly, not saying a single word. Unlike the women around me elated over the news, he didn’t express any emotion besides an expression of disappointment.
“A bit young, don’t you think?” he questioned with a bitter smile.
Yes, Dad. Fucking young and a massive fail on my behalf, I wanted to yell at him.
“Andrew, please,” my mother scolded. “A child is a blessing.”
“Emily, he has a career to focus on with years of studying to become a doctor, and now what?”
Despite my anger toward this outcome, I didn’t appreciate being spoken about like I wasn’t standing here. But what could I say? I didn’t want this baby. I wasn’t ready to become a father.
“You’re right, Dad,” I agreed, biting my tongue to stop the malice teetering on the edge. “It all seems like a waste, but you did it with Mom, same age. So, what’s stopping me?”
“Because I wanted more for you!” he barked, my mother clasping her hand against her chest at his outburst. “This wasn’t the plan.”
“Right.” I laughed, nodding. “I forgot this was your life… not mine.”
I wanted to go to Charlotte, more than anything I had ever wanted in my life, the urge to close my eyes and make this disappear lingering in my thoughts. This was all too much—the baby and my father’s disappointment in being unable to control my life.
“I need… I need to go for a run.”
I walked into my bedroom and put on my trainers. I left the house with the women still basking in the news, and my father sulking in disappointment.
With my headphones on, I searched my playlist needing something that reminded me of a happier time. I ran hard along the hiking trails, not letting my mind think about the baby.
I stood against a tree, trying to catch my breath.
The dream was falling apart.
I was going to shatter this for us.
I needed her right now.
I needed to feel her one more time before our delusional bubble burst. The song quickly changed, and I decided to do what I had done nearly every night when we were apart—I stood in the dark watching her room.
My focus moved to her bedroom window—the lights were out—she must have been sleeping. I wanted to crawl into her bed, hold her tight, and promise Charlotte we would get through this somehow.
We could run away, leave everyone and everything behind. I’d do that for her if she asked me. I would do anything as long as it meant she stayed in my life.
We slept in separate rooms that night, but I didn’t sleep. Samantha chose not to talk to me, nor did she bring up Charlotte again. I lay awake thinking of ways to get out of this. How could I have let this happen? I didn’t recall having sex with her, but then again, I’d been so intoxicated.
I had to see Charlotte, just one more time. I still didn’t know what I was going to do. Tomorrow, I thought, I would tell her before someone else did.
Tomorrow arrived quicker than I anticipated, and with my gut in wrenching pain all day, I decided tequila would solve the problem. So maybe I drank more than I should have, but it eased the pain and hid that hollow feeling that seeped into every crevice.
On top of the cliff, at our special place, she sensed it straight away and called me out on it. What I didn’t expect was for her to think I was telling her that it was over. The pain stabbed me, not tiny daggers but samurai swords, deep cuts bound to leave permanent scars. One by one I felt them strike as I watched her expression. The sword was pulled out of my heart for a moment, so I could say the words which echoed in my head—I couldn’t breathe without her.
“Ride or die, ‘til death us do part.”
I left Charlotte that day promising her I’d find a way for us to be together. Somehow, there had to be an answer to would solve this massive fucking mess I created.
It bought me more time to figure something out.
Once I sobered up, I planned it out. I was going to tell Samantha I’d support her and the baby, but I couldn’t go on with our marriage. I didn’t love her. My heart belonged to Charlotte, it always would.
As I drove into my driveway, I noticed my parents’ car parked behind ours. Oh, for fuck’s sake, more baby talk. Taking in deep breaths, I prepared myself for the overjoyed baby talk about to fall all over me.
The moment I stepped inside the house, I heard sobbing. It was coming from the living room. I walked down the hallway to find Samantha buried into my mother’s arms, my father looking furious, and Adriana, well, she sat there staring at the floor.
“What’s going on?” I asked, hesitating as the ambiance in the room was morbid.
“How could you do this to Samantha, Alex?”
“Mom, what are you talking about? Do what?”
“Charlie.” My father strained as he spoke.
Oh fuck.
My shoulders crumpled as my eyes fell to the floor, unable to come up with anything worthy.
I knew one day it would come out, but I didn’t think it would be in front of my parents like this. I searched my brain for an explanation, but nothing I said or did would ease this moment.
“Dad, I just—”
“You have screwed up big time, Alexander!” His voice echoed, bouncing off the walls with a loud aftershock startling everyone inside the room. “Your wife went into the hospital today with pains after she found emails between you and Charlie. Not only have you dishonored your marriage, but you have put your child’s life at risk. What the hell were you thinking? She’s eighteen!”
There were no words to explain how much I loved Charlotte, that she was everything to me. I looked at Adriana, who still refused to look my way. She’d felt betrayed by her best friend, surely. It shouldn’t be this way. She knew Charlotte better than anyone else. Why couldn’t she understand why I did this? I walked over to Adriana placing my hand on her shoulder only to be met by a cold stare.
“It has been decided that you and Samantha will leave for San Francisco tonight. Her sister’s apartment has been vacated for months, so you’ll be staying there. I’ll have all your things sent to you in the next few days. You are not to contact Charlie—”
The guilt I had been feeling is suddenly overridden by anger. I walked toward where my father stood, standing eye to eye meeting his stance and interrupted his tirade, “Dad, since when can you dictate what I do with my life? You have no idea what happened!”
“You listen to me real good, son. If anything happens to that baby, you’ll be held responsible for the rest of your life, you understand? You will make this marriage work. You made vows in a church in front of God that you would love and honor her for as long as you both shall live,” he warned, his finger pointing straight at my face. “Your immaturity has landed you in this mess, but you’re an Edwards, and you’ll rectify this immediately. You are to leave this town and never return. When Mark Mason gets wind of this, you are going to wish you were long gone. As usual, I’ll deal with the aftermath of your mistakes. Do not embarrass our family any further.”
The doorbell rang. It was the car service. My mother ushered Samantha to the car taking along her suitcase, my father taking the other which I could only assume was mine.
I don’t remember walking to the car and getting in, my mind not comprehending what just happened or what was going to happen. In my zombie-like state, my emotions and physical movement were not communicating. My father closed the door behind me.
I open the window slightly, desperately needing to speak to my sister. “Adriana, I’m sorry. Please… believe me.” It was all I could manage.
She stood at the doorway not making eye contact with me, a tear falling down her cheek before she walked back into the house. I watched as my mother bowed her head, disappointed that this glorious moment was taken away from her because of my infidelity. My father stood there, his face stern. I had never in my life seen my father this way. It was a side of him that frightened me. I don’t know why since I was fucking twenty-five—an adult.
I knew I was to blame for this whole situation. And if something happened to this baby, I’d never be able to live with the fact that it was because of me.
The car drove off through town and onto the interstate. I started to panic, the reality setting in that I would no longer see Charlie, no longer kiss her beautiful lips or hold her in my arms. Samantha must have sensed the anxiety I was feeling as she laughed to herself causing me to turn my head and face her.
“Don’t even think about using your phone. Your father disconnected it an hour ago.”
Was this her plan all along?
Trap me in our marriage by falling pregnant?
Closing my eyes, I replayed what my father had said. This baby didn’t deserve to suffer because of me. I knew that, but how could I ignore the gut-wrenching pain I felt knowing I’d never see Charlotte again?
This wasn’t the path I chose, but as long as Samantha was carrying my baby, I had no choice.
