Far in the distance I start to hear noises, the beeping of machines and the clicking of feet bouncing off the walls around me. There’s a faint whisper, maybe the sounds of voices, but I’m not sure. I remain still, the heaviness weighing me down. I attempt to lift my arm, but the weight is so heavy it tires me quickly. I try again. No, it’s too heavy. What’s happening? Where am I? I try to open my eyes, but all I see is darkness, so I fall back asleep.
I wake up, this time feeling some light shining on my closed eyes, almost like a pink glow. Struggling to open them, slowly more comes into fuzzy focus. I see stark-white walls, everything bright. It hurts my eyes forcing me to close them to ease the pain. The smell, it lingers in the air like the smell of sterilization. It’s familiar, and I know where I am, but I can’t say it. I attempt to scream, but my throat is dry and aching so I’m unable to make any sound, and all that comes out is a tiny whisper. “What happened?”
“Charlie?”
I turn to face where the sound is coming from. Nikki and Eric are by my bedside. Eric is repeatedly rubbing his face, stopping momentarily to bite his nails. Beside him, Nikki is more composed, watching me with a worried expression. They both reach out to touch my hand.
Nikki leans over and taps the red button which hangs on the wall. Between them, they say something, but my eyes close again, heavy and weighed down with exhaustion.
There’s more noise now and standing at the foot of my bed is a doctor. Removing the chart from the bed railing, his eyes scan across the notes before he retrieves his pen from his coat, scribbling on the piece of paper. I want to ask him why I’m here, and more importantly, what is wrong with me, but all that comes out is a rasp.
“I’m Dr. Schultz. How are you feeling, Miss Mason?”
Nikki passes me a cup of water which I gladly take. With the cool liquid easing my throat, I clear it with more effort, willing to speak. “Tired. Sore. What happened to me?”
“You have a collapsed lung caused by pneumonia,” he states, watching me with a gentle gaze. “We have you on an IV because you are severely dehydrated. Don’t worry, the baby is fine. We ran all the necessary tests, and the baby is doing very well.”
There’s that word again.
I close my eyes, desperate to shut out reality. Taking a deep breath, I open them to see Eric’s eyes wide in shock.
“Baby?”
Nikki shakes her head, warning Eric to shut the fuck up.
“In the meantime, Miss Mason, we need you to get plenty of rest, and if you feel uncomfortable, the nurses can give you a mild sedative. I expect you’ll be here for another few days.”
Dr. Schultz places the chart back at the foot of my bed before leaving the room. I want nothing more than to ignore everything right now, including the questions Eric is itching to ask.
“Okay, Charlie, I won’t ask until you’re ready.” Eric’s voice is calmer, and I can see he’s more worried than he is itching for gossip. “Do you need anything? Food? Anything from your apartment?”
I want to be alone, and to get that, I send Eric on a mission to grab me some things from home.
“Okay, so I’ve got everything written down. I’ll also make sure Coco is fed.”
“All done, Eric,” Nikki tells him. “Mrs. Landry, Charlie’s neighbor, has taken Coco in the meantime.”
“Great,” Eric says with relief. “The last time I was there, she tried to claw my new suit.”
Eric says goodbye leaving me alone with Nikki.
Dragging the chair closer to me, she takes a seat, resting her hand on top of mine. “You scared us, you know,” her voice softens. “Charlie, I know you don’t want to hear this, but you have a baby to take care of. It’s not just about you now.”
Staring at the ceiling, my heart is hollow. There’s a truth to Nikki’s words, but speaking them and being in this situation, are two different things. Although I can trust her with my hopes and fears, the cold, harsh reality is that I don’t trust myself right now. Desperate to be alone, I nod my head softly before turning to face her. “I know,” I murmur. “I just need rest.”
Nikki stands then leans forward to kiss me on my forehead. “We’re your family, Charlie. Always here for you, no matter what.” Promising to be back later tonight, she leaves the room, and I welcome the isolation.
Many thoughts climb into my head, all vying for top place. The more they circulate, the more my emotions tangle themselves in an intricate web. Various forms of pain, humiliation, and remorse threaten to drive my mind into a dark place of no return. Taking deep breaths, I force myself to be rational, counting my lucky stars I’m still breathing, but in the end, darkness perseveres.
Exhausted, I close my eyes willing all the noise to stop.
Inside a restless sleep, other sounds filter around me. The hospital ward is busy, the voices carrying up and down the corridor, the faint sound of the radio in the nurses’ station playing. I focus on the sound—I know what it is, and I close my eyes trying my hardest not to focus on the lyrics of this one particular song. I want to scream at them to turn it off. I don’t want any reminders that he exists, no sad love song to reiterate how pathetic my life has become.
Silence—all I need is complete and utter silence.
I repeatedly press on the red button, begging them to turn it off. After my outburst, the nurses give me a mild sedative to help me relax. It isn’t long before I fall asleep, my body and mind finally resting.
Sometime during the night, I feel him. His warmth washes over me. I have to be dreaming. His fingers entwine with mine, that jolt of electricity awakening me, but I remain still, closing my eyes.
He speaks like the voice of an angel, but I’m not prepared for what he says. I am not prepared for him to know about this baby. And as I attempt to lay perfectly still, I begin the internal battle of what to do, what to say. I can’t do this again. Nothing has changed. It’s the same cycle of emotions consuming me and chaining me down.
There’s no strength or will left in me, no fight. I’m defeated, beaten down, a shadow of my former self.
This journey is no longer one I want to take.
I love him more than I even love myself.
But I need to protect him, even if it means he will never know how much I truly love him, and how I’m willing to sacrifice everything so he doesn’t experience the greatest loss possible to mankind. And the only way to protect him will be to destroy him at the same time.
He deserves better than me.
If I hurt him, then he’ll never return.
Hurt him, Charlie.
Hurt him so bad that he’ll no longer love you.
Hurt him so he will no longer come after you.
Hurt him so bad that he will wish you don’t exist.
The voice inside is telling me what I need to do.
“I didn’t tell you, Lex, because… because it’s not yours.” As the words leave my mouth, I bite my lip until it bleeds to stop myself from screaming his name, to stop myself from reaching out and begging him to hold me and make all this pain go away.
But it’s the loss of his touch, the footsteps that disappear into the night that forces me to realize what I’ve just done.
Once again, I’m all alone.
The tears roll down my face, and it’s déjà-fucking-vu again, lying in a cold hospital bed for the second time in my life, crying out for someone to save me.
