Time has become a blur since the night he left me. Well, should I say the night I foolishly pushed him away?
I no longer know what day it is, suspended in this ‘no man’s land’ struggling to climb out, looking for any sense of hope, but it’s impossible. I’m on a familiar downward spiral, and by the seventh day, I know it’s near. I’m about to fall into pieces and forcefully be thrown back to a place I swore I’d never return.
This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.
I was supposed to hurt him, push him away for good.
And the greatest punishment I bestowed upon myself is remorse.
With Coco nestled on my lap purring as I stroke behind her ear, I’m certain she senses a life forming inside of me. Her head is nestled into my stomach, her body pressing gently as if to protect my unborn child.
We sit for what feels like hours until the repetition of the moment I pushed him away becomes too much for my mind to process alone. With a desperate need to drown out the voices and seek external help, I dial his number, each ring fueling my desperation.
Just as I’m about to give up, on the verge of tears I had tried my hardest to hold back, he answers my call. The familiarity of his voice calms me, and with only a few words spoken, enough to express my desolation, he gives me a time and place to meet him.
I don’t sleep that night waiting for tomorrow. Tossing and turning, my dreams are plagued with nightmares, and after my third jolt of waking up in screams, I shower, dress, and sit on the couch willing the time to pass.
The coffee shop is a short cab ride away. In a more secluded part of the shop, I sit quietly wringing my hands until he arrives. Sitting down, he motions for the waiter to bring him an espresso as I order a decaf. I hate decaf.
Across from me, he watches with a pitiful gaze. I know by reaching out to him, I’m once again forever in his debt for what he has done for me. He smiles as he takes a sip of his espresso, his self-composure always confident, and a small part of me is intimidated by how much power this man has over me.
How decisions he chose affected my life—for the good or for the bad, the jury is still out on that one.
“Thank you for coming on such short notice.”
“Charlie, I know enough to know why you called me.”
With my hands shaking, I remain silent choking back the sob. He places his hand over mine, a gesture of comfort, of ease as I stare into his eyes.
Does he know what I’ve done?
Does he know the mistake I made?
“I don’t want to go back there… I don’t want to go back to that place.”
My chest begins to heave, and my breathing becomes difficult as the room becomes stifling hot. Knowing I’m on the verge of a panic attack, he rubs the top of my hand and demands I take deep breaths.
“You don’t have to,” he assures me, squeezing my hand tight. “You can make the decisions here. This isn’t about fate, Charlie. This is about you understanding that life will deal you a card, and sometimes it’s of the lowest kind, and it forces you to make the best of a situation. You’re already better than you were by knowing you needed to call me. You’ve proven what you can accomplish, what you can get through if you believe in yourself and accept what is. Now you’re faced with a crossroads, so what road do you take? Do you take the easy route and run and hide as fast as possible, or do you take the long winding road? In the end, the possibilities are endless.”
Just like that, he places the ultimatum in front of me.
This is my decision, but I know I have already thrown fuel into the fire, and although I’m living this nightmare, Lex’s nightmare is ten times worse. The pain I forced on him is of pure hatred, and why would I do that to the one person I love more than life itself?
“I’ve said things… things to hurt him.”
“But you still love him?”
“I never stopped,” I whisper, bowing my head.
“Charlie,” he says softly. “Choose your destiny and never let go of that. One day this conversation will be history.”
“How do you know that will happen?”
“Because if you really want something, I mean like really want it, you can have it. You just need to find the willpower and strength. Look at the end picture and stop focusing on the pain you’re feeling right now.”
I manage a small smile, knowing he’s right. I’ve done this before, resurrected myself when I thought it was the end. And I’d made promises to my grandmother, to him—the promise to live my life to the fullest.
“I can’t thank you enough, Dr. Edwards, you know… for what you’ve done for me. I mean, my life… you know… I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you.”
“It wasn’t me, Charlie. I have my faults, too.” He lowers his head, toying with the wedding band on his finger. “You reached out and needed my hand to lead the way, but the walk, the journey, you did that all by yourself. Thank yourself, Charlie, not me.”
Leaning over, careful not to spill our beverages, I hug him tightly. Despite what he just said, my gratitude toward him can’t be ignored. Everything I am today I owe to him. The only way I can repay him is to move forward, find a better place, be that better person. I’ve been given a second chance, and now a third.
“Remember what I said…” he reminds me as I pull away, “… this is your choice, your decision, your destiny. You want something… then you go for it.”
I nod, understanding what I need to do to fix this catastrophe I created. It’s going to be the biggest fight of my life, but if what he says is true, if I look at the end picture, I won’t go down without a fight, without placing every morsel of hope, every bout of faith, every ounce of trust in us.
“Have you spoken to him?” I ask, hesitating.
Dr. Edwards purses his lips. “Yes.”
“Oh…”
“He’s not in a good place, Charlie.”
Of course, he isn’t in a good place. Neither would I be if I found out the woman I love is having a baby with someone else. And just like that, it clicks.
I’d walked a mile in his shoes, feel the pain of knowing exactly that. When I found out he was having a baby with Samantha, it hurt beyond comprehension. But I wasn’t even given a chance to do anything before he disappeared out of my life. No explanation. No goodbye.
“Dr. Edwards, there’s one more thing… I need… a favor.”
“Charlie, you know you can ask for anything.”
“I need… I need you to do a DNA test…” I trail off, ashamed this is even an issue.
Some things are worth fighting for.
When your heart won’t stop loving, then it’s not ready to give up. He doesn’t judge or pity me. Instead, he chooses to understand and once again guide me along the right path. We say our goodbyes, but I turn back one last time because I need to say it again. “Dr. Edwards?”
He turns around to face me, his strikingly handsome looks on par with his son.
“Thank you… again,” I murmur before he walks out of the coffee shop with a smile on his face.
***
I take in a deep breath, gazing at my reflection in the mirror. The dress Adriana designed is absolutely stunning, the color blush matching my skin tone perfectly thanks to a last-minute spray tan Eric convinces me I needed.
The strapless gown sits snug around my breasts which have decided to grow in the last week, pumped full of hormones making them really pop out. Adriana made some minor adjustments since I have lost weight around my waist from my inability to hold down any food in the morning, but that appears to have eased in the last two days.
My hair is styled in soft curls parted to the side, and the only piece of jewelry I am wearing is the phoenix pendant. Reaching for the necklace, I run my fingers over it, closing my eyes while I take in another deep breath. I’m unable to push aside the nerves, knowing I’ll see him for the first time since that night in the hospital.
Sometimes in life you wonder how you ever got through something, a moment when life meant nothing. The past month has been nothing short of hell. Time is moving slowly, but I’m stuck in my own personal hell, waving my wand of pain over those I love and over the only man I’ve ever loved.
I have no one to blame but myself.
That’s what makes this harder.
My talk with Andrew made me realize I can’t give up, but I cannot push him either. There are several times when I nearly caved, dialing his number, sending him a text, and even as far as speaking to Air France on the phone ready to divulge my credit card details, but I chickened out at the last minute. Of course, I want to see him, but there’s the uncertainty of his reaction, and I need to be in the right frame of mind to handle any hurt or rejection he might inflict upon me. He is a guy, after all, and his natural reaction would be to fuck everything in sight and forget about me, the super-bitch who’s knocked up with another man’s baby.
Oh, how I would do anything to take back what I said, to take back the hurt I caused him, but what’s done is done. I’m officially all cried out, and now I’m here on Adriana’s wedding day where I’ll finally meet my destiny, the one I choose to follow.
“Charlie, I know you’re scared,” Eric murmurs while fixing the back of my dress.
“Scared would be an understatement. E, what if I’ve damaged him so bad that he can’t even look me in the eye?”
Eric places the bottom of my dress down, standing behind me as he gazes at my reflection in the mirror. “My mom always said that you can tell how much someone loves you by looking them in the eyes. Look him straight in the eyes, Charlie. The answer will be there.”
I nod, although the thought of not seeing any love for me weighs heavily on my mind. Can I look into his eyes? What if I fall harder, and he isn’t there to catch me?
“And if all else fails, just look at his crotch and hope for a wave hello or the one-eyed salute.”
“You’re terrible.” I laugh.
“Weddings bring it out of me.”
There’s a soft knock on the door followed by Kate poking her head in. Eric motions for her to enter. He knows we need to talk, so he leaves us alone to check on Adriana.
I have only managed to communicate with Kate by text. This is the first time I’ve seen her since the restaurant episode.
“Charlie, you look gorgeous. That color is amazing on you,” she says, nervously.
Kate looks stunning wearing a navy off-the-shoulder chiffon dress. With her hair cut shorter into a bob, it’s styled to the side with a French braid and colored in a lighter shade of blonde.
“Thanks, Kate.” With my hand clutching my stomach, I try to calm my nerves again, willing to get out my apology. “Listen, I’m so sorry for allowing this to come between us.”
Her shoulders instantly relax as if she has been holding in her breath just like me.
“Charlie, seriously, we are both at fault. How did we not figure out we were talking about the same guy? I’m sorry for being distant the past month. It’s been difficult handling everything on my own. I’ve been pushed beyond my limits, but I suppose what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?”
“I can imagine, and yes, it certainty does…” I pause, unsure if I should delve even further into this topic, but my heart desperately needs some sort of reassurance that I’m not about to walk out into a battle zone unprotected. “Kate… I love him so much it hurts to breathe without him. But you know it was me who pushed him away. This is all a mess. I’m hoping he’ll give me another chance.”
With a sigh, she shakes her head. “Charlie, he loves you. Mr. Edwa… I mean, Lex… has never looked at anyone the way he looks at you. Trust me, I’ve been around. Bollocks, I didn’t mean for it to come out that way.”
I laugh, placing my hand on her arm, reassuring her. “It’s okay, I get it, he has a past. One day on a drunken rant you can spill all his dirty little secrets to me.”
“Oh God, he’d fire me if he ever found out I spilled the beans.”
“You really love your job, don’t you?” Curiosity gets the better of me. She has voiced on several occasions that her boss was a pain in her ass. I wonder what it is about Lex that makes her enjoy her job. I personally can’t imagine working for such an arrogant prick, but then again, I’m stubborn and want things my way, especially when it comes to work so I can’t talk.
She hesitates before answering, “You know, I do love my job. I actually look forward to waking up every day and going to work. It’s such a challenge, and I love the interaction with some of the most intelligent and powerful people in the business world. Mr. Edwards… Lex… is such a great mentor, if you ignore the fact that he has mood swings like a lady waiting for her Aunt Flow.”
I laugh out loud, it’s so him. Pulling her into an embrace, we squeeze each other tightly. “Thank you, Kate, for being a great friend. I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you, too, Charlie.” She smiles, her blue eyes radiating. “You deserve to be happy. You both do. You know he’s here already?”
“He is?”
“Yes, he arrived not long ago.”
“How does he look?”
“Um… nice… in his suit,” she says, shrugging her shoulders. “Clean… he looks happy to be here.”
“Okay, I didn’t ask you to describe his dad. How does he look?”
“Oh, Charlie, that’s kinda awkward for me to answer…”
Pouting my lips, my eyes widen as my stare fixates on her.
“Don’t give me that puppy-dog look. No fair,” she complains, checking herself quickly in the mirror beside us. Turning around to face me again, she crosses her arms in defiance. “Okay, fine! He looks hot, the tux is top-notch against his body. His face is cleanly shaven after that ridiculous fisherman’s beard he had been sporting the last few weeks. His hair has been cut kinda like that hot vampire dude from those movies. He looks pretty content. There… are you happy now?”
I’m happy, and although he could’ve grown the biggest beard known to man, I’ll always think he’s beautiful. There’s no other man who can measure up to him in my eyes.
“That wasn’t so hard now, was it?” I tease.
Adriana walks into the room with Eric. We gasp as she stands in front of us, her face beaming. She looks like a princess. Her dress is ivory, not the traditional white, but it’s a showstopper. The bodice is strapless and has lace embroidered all around it. The skirt is full like a ball gown, the middle section accentuated with a silk bow. She’s everything I imagined she’d be on her wedding day. My eyes begin to water, and I blink, trying to avoid ruining my makeup.
“Adriana… you look…”
“I know, right?” Her smile is contagious. “But don’t you cry and mess up that beautiful face of yours.”
“Adriana, today is all about you.”
“No, it isn’t, Char.” She squeezes my hand, staring into my eyes with a hopeful expression. “I need this to finally happen just as much as you two. You’ve always been special to me, and I know why… because you’re a piece of Lex.”
I don’t want her to have to focus on anything but her and Elijah. With that in mind, and my nerves consuming me, I offer a soft smile and admire her standing in front of me for the last time as Adriana Edwards.
“Okay, bitches, it’s showtime!” Eric claps.
Adriana takes in a deep breath. I reach out for her hand, noticing it’s perfectly still. Not a single shake comes from her delicate hands. This is everything she’s been waiting for as long as I’ve known her.
Elijah and Adriana chose to have the ceremony at a beautiful church not far from New Haven. The nostalgia of being back in Connecticut isn’t lost on me, but instead of remembering a time in my life when things were out of control, I focus on the beautiful nature surrounding the tall white church.
Snow has fallen around us, and with our jackets still on, the air is cold, but none of us seem to care. Adriana has always wanted exactly this, and the universe granted her the perfect winter wedding.
We stand inside the foyer of the church with the doors closed to the main area. Everyone removes their jackets, handing them over to Adriana’s aunty. There’s a flurry of activity, everyone fussing over Adriana, the photographer trying to capture the perfect moment.
I stand back and watch my best friend, watch this moment that’s all hers. I feel someone stand beside me—it’s her mother, Emily. She watches alongside me, admiring her daughter. It’s her moment as well, and what a moment for her. She has been waiting for this just as much as Adriana has.
“Charlie,” she utters, reaching out for my hand, squeezing it tight as we both watch Adriana. “I’m glad you’re here. It wouldn’t have been the same without you.”
Emily has been a mother to me when my mom decided to up and bail because life got too hard. Yet, she is another person caught in the tangled mess Lex and I created for ourselves. I sense, in her touch, the sorrow she feels for how we ended our own relationship—the callous stare she gave me when I just found out Samantha was pregnant and begged Adriana to talk to me while Emily waited in the car.
I had broken her family, disrespected her the same way she had done to me by abandoning me that day I begged for help. But none of us expected any of this to happen, and each one of us played a part heavily riddled with emotions.
The wedding coordinator shouts at everyone to get into place and begins the countdown.
Five… four… three… two… one.
The doors spring open, the orchestra playing ‘Pachelbel’s Canon’ as the two little flower girls begin their walk down the aisle.
“This is it,” I whisper, with a smile. “You ready?”
Adriana beams, nodding. “Waited a lifetime for this.”
I turn back around, standing in place, and then I’m in front and about to start my march.
My eyes fall upon him.
With my heart pounding so loudly, I realize how easy it is to fall in love with Lex. The hardest part comes now, showing him how much I need him, how much we both need him—for the rest of our lives.
And as his head lifts and our eyes lock, the beat of my heart becomes completely still.
There’s no tomorrow without him.
Alexander Edwards will forever be the only man to capture my heart.
And I refuse to live life any other way.
