“It’s a boat.”
“It’s a boat, would you get a load of this guy? Dude, it’s a Lady M luxury yacht for fuck’s sake,” Rocky says, overly excited as he stands beside Elijah and me on the dock.
“Excuse my ignorance, yacht, why are we staring at it?” My head isn’t clear but rather in a warm, fuzzy haze as my girl just said she will marry me in front of everyone. Of course, I know it’s a fucking yacht, I also know the builders after my stint last year which saw me yacht shopping.
“Because we’ve got five hours to celebrate your freedom before you’re tied to the ball and chain again,” Rocky explains, clearly impatient to get aboard.
“I highly doubt Charlie is a ball-and-chain kinda gal, Rocky. Perhaps you need to find your balls again. Should I call Nikki to see if she has them in her purse?” Elijah snickers.
“Dude, aren’t you supposed to be on your honeymoon? I thought you’d be porkin’ your new wife like the cowboy you claim to be.”
“Rocky, not all Texans are cowboys…” Elijah points out.
The conversations around me become a distant sound as I stand still watching the ocean. The waves calmly lap against the piers, the heavy scent of salt lingering in the air. The sun’s setting on the horizon, a reminder that in five hours, Charlotte will walk down the aisle and say “I do” in front of our family and friends.
My mind refused to let go of that moment where I stood waiting for her to walk through the door of the gymnasium. I always knew how I wanted to propose, it was a no brainer. I promised her things back then I couldn’t deliver, and if I had a time machine, I’d go back and act on them, but this was the next best thing.
Adriana was thrilled she was in charge of recreating the prom scene. It’s the reason she decided to stay in New York instead of taking me up on my offer for her and Elijah to spend their honeymoon in the Virgin Islands.
“Adriana, c’mon, you deserve a honeymoon. You don’t need to help me.”
“Lex, I’m Mrs. Evans, nothing will ever change that. I don’t need a tropical island to enjoy my husband. Please let me do this, you are marrying my best friend, and I don’t want to miss a thing.”
It was all set. Finn texted me at the café warning me they were about to leave. Everyone had flown in. Kate made sure all flights and accommodations were booked accordingly.
Eric and Nikki had picked out the emerald green dress Charlotte was to change into courtesy of an associate’s close friend, Vera Wang.
It was time.
The moment she walked through the double doors, she was completely stunned by the scenery, her eyes scanning the room. I knew she was taken back to a time and moment that held a lot of promises for us.
When her eyes found me standing in the middle of the dance floor in my tux, she ran to me. Her kiss smothering me, not allowing me to get a single word in, but I couldn’t help it. I allowed it to linger because I knew at midnight she would be officially mine, and that thought alone made me not want to let her go.
When she emerged from the restroom, I couldn’t help but be in awe of this beautiful woman walking toward me.
My words came out perfectly, exactly how I pictured them, having rehearsed it a million times in my head.
She said yes to marrying me… again.
“Look at this pussy-whipped fucker, all daydreaming and shit. C’mon, we only have five hours to partay!” Rocky hurries us along onto the yacht.
We climb on-board, the other guests are somehow already here. As well as Rocky and Elijah, there is my dad, Mark Mason, Finn, and my Uncle Hank. With a stunned expression, Eric has also joined us. I’m wondering why on earth he wants to hang out with the men unless Rocky had plans to turn this yacht into some Mardi Gras celebration.
Anything is possible with him.
Standing beside them is also one of my long-time friends from London—Bentley James Woods.
“Well, look here, if it isn’t my long-lost mate, Lex Edwards,” Bentley speaks loud enough so everyone onboard can hear.
“BJ, where the hell have you been?”
“Not getting engaged and having babies. You’ve gone arse over tit for a bird? Who would have thought?”
“BJ?” Eric quizzes. “Do I dare assume?”
“Mate, the initials are an instant pick-up line, and my instincts tell me you ain’t gonna get a kick out of the pussy on parade tonight,” BJ insinuates.
“Oh, hell no, I’m all about the tallywacker!”
“Dude, you’ve been spending way too much time with Kate,” Rocky mentions as he walks by.
BJ’s face lights up. I know what he’s thinking. “How is my good ole chum, Kate?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose, not wanting to delve into the history of Kate and BJ. Kate’s personal life is exactly that—personal. But when she started screwing BJ, it became my business, much to my dismay. I’m almost certain Eric’s texting Kate already wanting her version of this story which makes me think he has joined us to report back to the women.
I quickly greet everyone, Mark pulling my arm in for a moment.
“Listen here, boy. No touching anything that comes on this boat. I’m watching you,” he warns.
“Not with a ten-foot sail, Mark.”
Such terrible boat humor.
I head to the bar where BJ stands. The music has started, not so loud that I’m not able to hear him speak. He orders a round of shots, ignoring his signature drink—rum and Coke.
“It’s been four months since our last pint at the Yorkshire Grey, and you’re a changed man.” BJ coaxes me to take the shot which the bartender places before us. We count down, and in unison, drink the nasty liquor threatening to compromise my judgment on anything which may take place tonight.
“Changed for the better. I may have spoken about her once.” The shot is almost like swallowing acid, and I let out a loose cough.
“Once? When you got on the piss, you would always ramble on about her… Char… something or other. Bugger, this shot is strong. I can’t even remember her name.”
“Charlotte.”
“That’s right. So that’s it, Lex Edwards is off the market? You were my wingman.”
“It’s best you don’t bring that up here,” I caution.
There are memories I want to erase, the endless nights of fucking random women. Bentley James Woods is trouble, trouble that I don’t want near Charlotte. We all have a past, right? It’s just that I did things I’m not proud of, and unfortunately, BJ was a witness to it all.
“Look, Lex, I won’t fart arse around the topic. We had fun, I get it, buddy, you’re gonna be a daddy. Just don’t forget about little old London town. I assume you’ll be moving to New York?”
“Yes. But quit the Mr. Nice Guy act. Who invited you here?” I question.
“Your lovely sister, Adriana. Relax, will ya, buddy ole pal? Adriana thought you should have a least one friend here. Look, I’m here to have fun, I won’t go bringing up your colorful past with anyone, okay?”
He pats me on the back, switching the topic to business. Now, I’m in my element. BJ was born into a rich family like every other pretentious bastard in London. His family owns property all over Europe. However, BJ is heavily into the real estate game, which made him a fucking millionaire in his own right. Money can buy you a lot of things, but apparently not class. He’s known for being a womanizer—marriage and babies definitely are not on his agenda.
Without warning, Rocky yells out, “It’s showtime,” interrupting our conversation.
Fuck.
Eight, and I mean eight, strippers come out to the makeshift stage and start dancing. I can handle this, it’s pretty tame. Besides, it is just tits. Panties are in check, for now. I will be fine. I have a beautiful woman waiting for me, ready to marry me, but who right now is probably being smothered by sweaty manwhores dressed up in uniforms.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I motion for Eric to come over. I need to ease my jealous mind.
“Okay, so do all vajayjays look like that?” He points to the girl dancing butt naked, his head tilting sideways cringing at the sight.
“Her lips are out of proportion,” Rocky interrupts.
“Lips can be out of proportion?” Eric gaps, clutching his hand to his chest.
“Eric, what are the girls doing? Surely, Charlotte or Kate would have texted you?”
“Uh, uh… Nikki banned all phones. ‘What happens at the party, stays at the party.’ Her words, not mine.”
Fucking bitch!
Finn and Elijah sit beside me with smirks on their faces. I know enough to know that something is about to go down, but I have absolutely no idea what.
“So, you enjoying yourself?” Finn asks.
“Cut the bullshit, Rodriguez, why are you two looking at me like that?”
“No reason. Just want to make sure you are enjoying your night,” Elijah follows.
“Listen to you bunch of pussies sitting around yapping when you should be watching that.” Rocky points to three of the girls practically having an orgy with each other. Eric’s facial expressions are priceless. One minute he’s intrigued, the next minute he cringes and covers his eyes.
“Guys, relax, have a drink.” Finn hands us shots, and we all drank fast.
I remind myself to slow down. I’m getting married in a few hours. My mother will kill me if I turn up drunk at the altar.
We sit around drinking while the girls dance in front of us. They are not half bad, fake tits and all. Uncle Hank is having the time of his life, and I officially declare him a clone of Rocky. The similarities are uncanny, and they get along like a house on fire. Several times I catch them in the corner getting their own private lap dance.
“You shouldn’t be looking at that,” Finn growls, trying to act all tough. “You’re marrying my best friend.”
“When I look at you, I’m reminded that you’ve been with my Charlotte,” I slur.
“You called a truce on that. Besides, I was fucking seventeen, I knew nothing about pussy.”
“Please do not use that word when referring to my future wife.”
“Get over it, Edwards. It was dark, so I didn’t see anything, just fumbled around for stuff, you know.”
“Are we still talking about this?”
“I guess we aren’t. So, tell me, how did you finally get her to break up with Batman?”
“Who?”
“Julian.”
Great, Rodriguez had to go there.
“My friend, let me tell you this… I didn’t make her do anything, he got what was coming to him. Let’s be honest, he never had her to begin with.”
“Nice play, Edwards. For a moment, I believed you. However, I know your type. Dominating and shit. Like that stupid book that Jen and Charlie always talk about… something gray, I don’t know, but it’s a load of shit.”
“It ain’t that bad.” I chuckle.
“Yeah, well, I guess I can’t complain. Jen’s a wild one. Fuck, she’ll kill me for saying that.”
“Your secret is safe with me, plus it explains why you have four kids.”
“I’ll tell you now, Edwards, once that baby comes along, say goodbye to any pussy you’re getting.”
Is that the truth? It had crossed my mind, and I’m conscious when I’m fucking her, but luckily, I studied this in med school and know my dick can’t get anywhere near the baby’s head.
“Don’t listen to him, son. You and Adriana never ruined—”
“Dad, I love you, but please, please, please do not mention your sex life ever again to me.”
Amused, he places his arm around me. Is he drunk? Shit, I decide no more for me since I’m getting married in less than three hours. Control, Edwards, you’re fucking used to this.
Rocky claps his hands and motions for me to take a seat on the chair sitting in the middle of the room. I get it, striptease. I can handle this. It won’t be my first, but it will be my fucking last. The girls mean nothing, tits in my face do nothing for me unless there are Charlotte’s.
Eric places a blindfold on me. He gets some sort of pleasure from doing it. In your dreams, Eric. It becomes pitch black, and I try to focus on the shuffling around me. The music starts, ‘The Thong Song,’ and I sense a body close to me and feel a slight brush against my leg. Her fingertips barely scrape along my thigh, stopping just below my dick. I want to laugh, it’s a pathetic act to turn me on.
Her warm, minty breath lingers near my neck followed by her meager attempt to rub her pussy against my cock. In the distance amid the beat of the music, I hear snickering, and I swear I hear Eric say, “This is disturbingly wrong on so many levels.”
The music is close to finishing, and as a finale, she grazes her teeth along the outside of my pants against my dick. Without control, I feel a slight stir. What the fuck? I wasn’t turned on, but now I’m conscious of the familiar feeling, the tingling throb impossible to ignore.
No. No. No!
“Take it off! Lex has a boner,” Eric shouts with such enthusiasm.
Slowly, Eric undoes the blindfold, and I almost fall off my chair, the shock of the granny standing in front of me in a purple corset and thong enough to make me dry heave.
Everyone in the room breaks out laughing, and I’m unable to find the hilarity in this, given the huge wood I’m sporting. Seriously, why the fuck am I turned on? And why the fuck won’t it go down?
The granny winks at me, her false teeth visible. Oh fuck, the false teeth grazed my dick. I’m gonna beat the shit out of Rocky. I turn to look at him, his face cringing. Why the fuck is he so mortified? He booked the granny escort to strip for me!
I can hear BJ in the back shouting, “Get yer gums around my plums.”
“That was hilarious!” Eric roars, slapping his hand on his leg, unable to contain himself. The granny walks away, saying goodbye to everyone, her saggy ass tainting my poor brain. There are just some things that can never be unseen. Rocky is still looking odd, something’s wrong. He isn’t taking as much pleasure in watching me suffer as I expected he would.
“What’s wrong with you?” I ask him.
“Dude, did you spike my drink?”
“What? No, why?” My eyes divert to his pants where a huge boner is sticking out. “Oh…”
“Fuck, then what the hell?”
It clicks, and as I stand there, I watch the other men noticing they all have a similar expression. BJ is happily getting a dance from two girls in the corner, so his wood is expected, and the same goes for Uncle Hank. Elijah and Finn keep adjusting their pants, squirming uncomfortably and attempting to avoid eye contact with the girls who dance around them. My dad is at the bar with Mark, both of them with their legs crossed, having what looks like an incredibly uncomfortable conversation. Eric stands next to us as quiet as a church mouse, his face barely able to hide the mischievous grin, and I know, without a shadow of a doubt, he’s the reason why there’s enough blood pumping on this yacht to fuck all the women of America.
Viagra.
“What’s up, guys? Or should I say, who’s up?” Eric bursts out laughing.
“You’re dead meat, Kennedy,” Rocky threatens
“All I can say is thank God! For a second, I thought the granny gave me that boner.” I breathe a sigh of relief, unable to contain myself for minutes on end.
***
I walk through the rose bush, cussing at the thorns scratching my arm until Rocky turns to look at me, warning me to shut the fuck up and quit wailing like a baby.
We left the yacht, boners and all, with an attempt to spy on the women.
Elijah declines giving us a lecture about trusting the woman you love. The rest head back to the hotel to get ready for the ceremony. We still have two hours, plenty of time to get in a sneak peek.
We run behind a tree and dart for the playhouse. The party is at Finn’s place, and he knows exactly where we can get the best view.
“Okay, we made it. Open that window, and we’ll be able to see,” Finn whispers.
“Ow, what the fuck is this?”
Finn warns Rocky to keep his voice down.
“You’re sitting on a teacup.”
We remain still as we watch them on the porch, the three of us shocked by what we see. Apart from the dick paraphernalia overload, the waiters are dressed in nothing but a leather thong, collar, and mask. One of them even has a chain which Nikki is not afraid to use. I search for Charlotte, and she’s laughing uncontrollably as Eric animatedly talks. No doubt it’s about the granny story.
It doesn’t take him long before he shouts that the entertainment’s here.
Entertainment?
And then we hear the sirens go off, and low and behold, Eric yells, “Does anyone here have burning loins?”
Nikki cheers loud along with Kate as three bulked-up men appear in firefighter costumes. Ridiculous.
“Do not look at me, okay? They’re not actual firefighters. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if they are gay or something,” Finn mutters.
I pray to the gay God of Dorothy that they are.
Ginuwine’s ‘Pony’ plays in the background as Nikki persuades Charlotte to sit on the chair. Now, I think she will be mortified, but she seems to enjoy it, her hands waving like she’s in some nightclub as a single woman. Fuck!
“That’s it, I’m going in,” I announce.
“Relax, would you? She’s not doing anything wrong.” Rocky attempts to diffuse the situation, but I’m ready to stop the entire party.
We watch on, and this time Jen stands and starts dancing with one. He pulls his suspenders off, bumping and grinding with Jen. She places her hands against his chest, running them along his torso.
“That’s it, I’m going in,” Finn grits.
“Relax, would you? He’s still in his boxers.” Rocky rolls his eyes. How he remains calm is beyond me.
And so, we continue watching until the music changes. They don’t get fully naked wearing only thongs. I relax. I mean, what’s the big deal, right? Until Nikki rips off a thong and a dick flings out in all its glory. She shrieks in delight, rubbing herself up against him until Rocky yells, “That’s it, I’m going in!”
We attempt to hold him back, but he’s determined, that is until he pulls us up, and the three of us pummel through the door, falling flat on our faces. The music stops, and the women gasp, followed by laughter.
“Nicola Joanne Romano, you better have a damn good explanation for what I just saw!” Rocky is furious, his normal laid-back attitude a far cry from the jealous streak on parade.
Finn looks scared, probably from breaking the playhouse.
And me?
Charlotte gazes directly at me, giving me a wink, and just like that, I know I have nothing to worry about.
Nothing at all.
