Ten days after Andrew Elijah Evans was born, we lost Elijah.
The doctors had warned us he had only days to live, but somehow, he managed to beat the odds and was able to witness the birth of his son. No matter how much we prepared ourselves for it, we couldn’t nullify the pain when he was finally gone. He had deteriorated over the past few months, his quality of life brutally robbed from him.
His family and friends buried him as the sweet, delicate sound of ‘Amazing Grace’ was sung in the background. Lex sat beside Adriana, never letting go of her, and Adriana sat there, stone-cold frozen. She didn’t shed a tear, nor did it seem she blinked an eye. She is like a sister to me, yet at a time when I knew she needed me the most, I had no idea how to help her. The pain I felt when I lost my grandmother and Anthony can’t even compare to losing your husband, and to add to that, being left with a newborn child.
I try my best to talk to her, but she shuts down every time, closing off from everyone except Lex.
People pay their last respects as Emily cradles Andy in her arms, rocking him to sleep. Andrew holds his head up as the patriarch of our family. He knows exactly what to say and what needs to be done. Little did I know at the time how much it would impact our family. It’s impossible ever to imagine walking in these shoes unless your feet are the ones firmly in them, barely taking steps, unsure of why you are being punished by having lost such a beautiful soul.
I wait for Adriana’s breakdown, but it never comes. Instead, Adriana climbs into a very dark place, one I’m all too familiar with. We constantly worry with every second that goes by because deep down inside, we know we can’t lose her. As every new parent knows, a newborn baby is hard at the best of times, but we can see Adriana withdraw in herself and she’s closing off from us.
Emily moves in with her and takes care of Andy fulltime. I visit every day just to give Emily a break. Nikki and Kate fly down often to help me with Amelia and work. The stress is taking its toll on all of us, but we continue to pray somehow, someway, that Adriana will wake up from the nightmare and realize Andy needs her too.
The tornado of grief sweeps her away, and much to my sadness, it takes Lex along with her.
Lex withdraws from our family, and I constantly find myself alone. Adjusting to life in LA is hard enough without having a teething baby who’s beginning to crawl all over the place. Between taking care of Amelia and the occasional hours I put in at the office, I’m barely holding on.
But time passes by, and life as we know it has changed forever.
The enormity of my marriage falling apart is hidden behind the grief and chaos of events consuming us since the moment Elijah passed. The realization came a few weekends ago when Nikki and Kate flew in to spend some time with me. Of course, Eric, not wanting to be left out, has joined us for lunch.
“You’ve done a lot with the place, Charlie,” Kate says, eyeing the frames on the wall.
“Just keeping busy, you know?”
It isn’t a lie—how I wish it was.
I find myself twiddling my thumbs, waiting for Lex to come home. I can even count the times he’s been home in the past two weeks. Nikki knows me well enough to know what’s happening. One look at me, and she knows I’m falling apart.
“Charlie, if you want to keep busy, you should check out the fresh meat at that new hot club on Sunset Boulevard,” Eric chimes in as he takes a sip of his mimosa.
“Fresh meat? Thanks to you, I can no longer enjoy a good bratwurst,” Kate complains.
“I only referred to Karl as a bratwurst once… you know, that German dog-walking guy.”
“Wait… who the hell is the German dog-walking guy?” Nikki interrupts.
I let out a laugh, a momentary welcomed distraction from all my worries as I sit around my friends, enjoying, just for a moment, how things used to be. But like always, a moment of happiness will always be overshadowed by the chain wrapped around my neck dragging me down.
“Do you not read my status updates? Honestly, Nikki… even Rocky knows about Karl!”
“Eric, I don’t have time to troll Facebook like you and my husband. So, explain… in proper English, please, not Eric English.”
“Okay, so one of our clients, a well-known actress, has a dog walker. She owns three Shih Tzus and two Bulldogs. Karl refers to them as Bullshits…” Eric roars at his own joke, and Kate and I soon follow. I have to admit it’s hilarious.
“So, anyway, Karl gets paid to walk her dogs every day. He just moved here from Germany, land of the sausage, and well… I blew him in the pool house while the dogs were taking dumps all over her newly manicured lawns.”
Kate bursts out laughing, accidentally knocking over her water. I stand to grab some paper towels, barely able to control my own laughter for a moment.
“Eric, I don’t even know where to begin with this story. So, I’m guessing the reference to the bratwurst is because he is thick and juicy?” Nikki licks her lips, shooting one of her seductive looks at Kate and me. I roll my eyes at her. For someone who has so much sex, I swear she acts like a deprived sixteen-year-old boy.
“I guess you could say that… too bad it’s served with a side of sauerkraut.” Eric pinches his nose.
Kate bangs her fist on the table, almost falling off her chair while Nikki, who is normally immune to Eric’s hilarity, breaks down laughing, and I just sit there enjoying my friends until a tear slides down my cheek. I’m a tough person, and I rarely break down, but this is my marriage in crisis.
Nikki is the first to notice. “Charlie, tell us what the hell is happening?”
She moves her chair closer and places her arms around me. Nervously, I play with the bands on my finger. The metal feels like it’s constricting my blood flow, and I yearn to take them off.
“I don’t know what the hell is going on in my marriage,” I blurt out.
Eric and Kate remain still.
Eric being the first one to open his non-filtered mouth. “Do you think Lex is having an affair?”
“Eric!” Kate and Nikki screech in unison.
“No, it’s okay, guys. Of course, it’s crossed my mind. When your husband barely looks at you let alone touches you, that’s automatically the first thing you think,” I mumble.
“Well, okay, let’s think about this for a sec. Kate, wouldn’t you know what he’s up to?” Eric knowingly asks the question, raising the topic of Montana Black, Lex’s new assistant. I ranted on several occasions about how perky she is, and when I say perky, I don’t just mean her personality. Eric Facebook stalks her and digs up whatever information he can. Nothing exciting, of course. Bottom line is that she’s spending more time with my husband than I am.
When I married Lex, I realized I had to find a way to restrain my jealousy because other people’s actions are not something I can control. Women make crude comments about him online and even in his presence. But at the end of the day, he chose to marry and love me.
Past tense, it feels like.
I have no idea how he feels about me now, but ‘love’ is something he’s not willingly showing me, more so the exact opposite.
“No… I don’t see his schedule anymore. I mean, I could if I really need to. Is that what you want me to do? I can hack into Montana’s schedule?” Kate worried, grabs her phone and begins typing a message.
“No, no, of course not. Listen, I’m probably just being paranoid. I’m sure it will sort itself out,” I say, not entirely sure who I’m trying to convince, them or me. The word ‘affair’ is ugly. I should know, after all, I was labeled a homewrecker many moons ago.
Is this karma being a fucking bitch?
Has she finally found my address?
“Girl… when was the last time he fucked you?” Nikki is straight to the point.
I shuffle my feet. It isn’t that I don’t know, it’s because I know exactly when it was, and it is killing me. Every night, I lay in our bed, and sleep has become an afterthought. His scent is sprayed all over our sheets, and the torture of lying beside someone who holds so much contempt is enough to shatter any confidence I had.
And the desire he once had lacing his eyes each time they devoured me has been replaced by darkness.
“Hmm… two months ago… the day before Elijah passed away.” My voice is barely above a whisper.
I’m waiting for a look of shock from my friends, but instead, each one of them places their hands on mine. I look up as my eyes cloud with tears.
“You’ll get through this, you have us. Don’t ever forget that.” The three of them smile as I place my other hand on top of theirs.
It’s exactly what I needed to hear right now.
***
Lex calls occasionally to say he will be home late from work, but he’s rarely home before midnight. He succumbs to his old ways, buries himself in his work, and spends the little time he has free with Adriana and Andy.
It breaks me. Each day it hurts more and more. I try to keep my mind busy, but without him, I’m slowly dying inside. The insomnia sets in. I’m out of my mind trying to save my marriage. Things haven’t improved, if anything, they are getting worse. I struggle to find a moment alone with him without Amelia around us constantly distracting him from any kind of conversation. Emily knows Lex has reverted to what she calls ‘post-Charlie’ days, and on a whim, takes Amelia for the night, knowing Lex will be home in an hour.
The hour ticks by and nothing. I know I need a distraction, so I sit at the dining table with some briefs I need to work on. Two hours later, I hear the car pull in the driveway. My heart beats intensely as I wait for him to enter the house. Strong-willed Charlie decides to fly the coop the second I lay eyes on my husband. Despite our relationship taking a turn for the worse, I want him so badly.
I ache for him to look at me, for his emerald green eyes to feast on me the way they used to. On several occasions, I have to take matters into my own hands because that’s how fucking desperate I have become. Of course, it’s when I am in the shower, and every single time I wish he would enter and fuck the living daylights out of me, but that never happens.
“Where’s Amelia?” his voice is flat. Great, no “Hello, how are you?”
“Staying over at your mom’s. Lex, we need to talk.”
“You sent her over there, so we could talk?”
“No, your mother wanted to take her for the night to give me a break. In case you haven’t noticed, it’s been a struggle trying to juggle Amelia, work, and everything else going on.”
“YOU think it’s a struggle?” He lets out a laugh, but it’s cold and snarky. “How about you put yourself in Adriana’s shoes for a moment and then tell me if you are still struggling.”
What the fuck?
He has no idea who he’s messing with.
I was born to fucking argue, and I’ve even got a degree in it. This is what the extent of our communication has become as of late, and I’m sick and tired of arguing with a man who’s supposed to love me for better or for worse.
“Don’t you dare compare me to Adriana. Her pain is the worst pain imaginable, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, but I’ll tell you what comes a very close second to that, shall I? Your husband going AWOL, not fucking touching you for two fucking months! Not even able to look you in the eye or hold a civil conversation.”
There, I’d said it—done! Take that, you asshole!
“Wow, and here I thought marriage was about love, not sex,” he answers sarcastically.
“Really, Lex? You want to turn back into Asshole Lex? Well, don’t think I’ll be sticking around to welcome that bastard back home.” With my chin held high, I grab my briefs and head for our room, slamming the door behind me. My muscles are quivering, the speed in which my pulse is racing impossible to ignore. I’m livid. The fucking jerk has the nerve to turn everything back onto me.
I grab my phone and text Eric that I need to go somewhere and drink. Within moments, he suggests a bar we can meet at on Melrose.
Inside my closet, I change into a pair of black jeans, a very slinky white top with an open back, and my strappy gold pumps to complement the outfit. Stopping by my vanity, I can’t help but notice how much weight I’ve lost from all the stress. I dab on some lip gloss and tousle my hair which I had let out. Not satisfied with the dark circles under my eyes, I apply some foundation and pull out the mascara.
As I make my way back to the kitchen, I search for my keys.
“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” He leans with his back on the countertop, arms crossed with a smug look on his face.
The worst part is I still hope he will grab me, bend me over, and fuck me into the middle of next week. I hate my fucking cooch for betraying me on so many levels. On a side note, I know I look hot, and I purposely wear this top because it makes the ladies look like they are parading for a Miss America beauty pageant. Oh, and because I know it will get some sort of reaction from him.
“Out. No point staying here.”
“Wearing that?” he blurts out.
“I don’t need your permission to wear anything. Besides, not sure why you’d care since anything involving me doesn’t seem to matter to you anymore.”
Where the fuck are my keys? I open each drawer looking for them to come up empty-handed.
“So, you don’t care that every guy walking past you will fucking look at your tits bouncing out of that top?”
“Does it look like I care? You seem to be confusing me with someone who actually gives a shit. Anyway, it’s a bar, so get over it,” I shoot back.
“You are not going to a bar.” His tone is tense, muscles protruding as he stands across from me trying to intimidate me with his tall stature and fierce glare. I can see he is struggling with that jealous streak of his. Serves him fucking right!
“Lex, you obviously don’t care what I do. You’re lucky I even told you this much because apparently, I have no business knowing why you come home late every night, so you can think what you want. If you think I’m going to try and fuck every dick in that bar, then great. Maybe that will pull you out of this sham that is called our marriage.”
I spot the keys, and dammit if they are sitting on the countertop behind him. Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck! I have no choice but to walk over to him and reach behind him.
I can do this—stay strong.
He motions his head to where the keys are sitting and looks over at me. There is a brief, albeit fleeting look of the old Lex there before it’s gone again.
I take a deep breath and walk over. I lean around him, only inches apart for the keys. For a split second, I linger, inhaling his aftershave which seems a little too fresh for my liking. My warped mind immediately jumps to the conclusion that he would only have re-applied it because he had to cover a smell, and what smell would you need to cover? The smell of a woman.
With my emotions battered and ego bruised, I pull away, but his hand grips firmly around my arm, slightly hurting me. My eyes almost close, desperate for any touch, heedless of its intention. The touch is causing a wave of desire within me, ferociously crashing against my morals.
“You are my wife, and you don’t need to degrade yourself in front of strangers.”
Oh, he did not just fucking say that!
I tear my arm away from his grip, fury building inside my chest.
“So, I’m a slut now? And here I was thinking I was just a bored, horny housewife looking to get laid tonight.”
I walk to the back door and open it, followed by a ‘very dramatic’ slamming it shut. I can’t get out of there fast enough, the anger swelling within me causing an outrage of emotions.
Eric, being my lifesaver, meets me at a non-gay club much to my surprise. His reasoning is that he’d had enough of the bitchiness and wants to score with some confused straight guy.
The bar is packed, and I feel extremely old. Not that it was hopping with all young folks, but because I feel overdressed. Apparently, showing your ass cheeks is a prerequisite these days.
I fill Eric in on all the details about what happened at home, and he’s quick to tell me that Lex will probably be here in five minutes, dragging my body to the back room to claim his property. Of course, that doesn’t happen, and so the drinking games begin. Some people we become friends with in LA join us, and I am having a blast and pushing the past few months aside until Lex sends me a text.
Lex: Choose your next move very carefully and remember the band on your finger.
Is he fucking serious? With several shots of vodka running through my veins, I find the courage to say how I really feel. To say the words eating me up inside despite the band on my finger.
Me: It doesn’t stop you.
Lex: I’m warning you Charlie. Remember who you belong to.
Me: Lol, so I’m Charlie tonight? I’ll remember that Alex. Leopards don’t change their spots.
By throwing his past back in his face, I light the match ready to play with fire. His callous use of my name Charlie brings to the surface the anger we both feel. The difference is he is fucking up here, not me.
Beside me, a guy is standing awfully close to the point he has bumped my arm several times, apologizing profusely. Each time, I smile and tell him not to worry about it. So, he looks at my chest a few times, but I brush it off as a single guy’s behavior and turn my attention back to Eric until my phone vibrates again.
Lex: You are my wife, so tell the fucktard who is trying to grope your tits to back the fuck off or I will fuck him up more than you can imagine.
My heart picks up a beat. So, he is here watching me from somewhere in the room because he just can’t help himself. I shove my phone back in my pocket, ignoring his last comment. Purposely, I turn to face the guy and start up a conversation. He’s nice, offering to buy me a drink, then asks if I want to dance.
Sure, what do I have to lose?
My husband is gone.
My marriage has ended.
The music is blaring as a local band plays Bon Jovi, settling for a rendition of ‘Always.’ Around me, the crowd sings loudly, swaying their glasses of liquor in the air without a care in the world.
Eric is the loudest, the diva excels on karaoke nights with his over-dramatic expressions and attempts at high notes. The guy beside me pulls me onto the dance floor, wrapping his arm around my waist.
We sway along, but despite the need to get Lex back for his hurtful words, everything about this feels wrong.
But Lex doesn’t care.
He no longer loves me.
I place my hand on the guy’s shoulder, leaning in to whisper in his ear, “I need a drink.”
Pulling away, I walk back toward the bar where Eric has stopped singing and is on his phone trying to type a text. Biting his lip, he lifts his head drawing his eyebrows as he notices me.
“We need to go, Charlie, like now.”
I laugh, it is only the beginning of the night, and I have no plans to go back to an empty house. This is very unlike Eric to want to leave early unless Lex texted him.
Of course.
“You know what? You can go. I’m perfectly fine here, plus…” I point to the guy walking back toward me, “… I’ve got a new friend to hang out with. If Lex is that worried, he would have dragged me home by now. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to get another drink.”
I call for the bartender, and when he comes over, I order a tray of shots for the folks around me.
One.
Two.
Three.
Throwing them back, I begin to feel better about my newfound freedom with the desperate need to dance. The room begins to spin, the music fades away. My body erupts into laughter until my feet give away, and I fall into a pair of arms.
I mumble words, something about being ‘married’ and ‘pussy’ until the cold air graces my face, and all I can see is black.
