Delete. Delete. Delete.
The emails are coming thick and fast, but I choose to ignore them—him.
What is he going to tell me? It’s all manipulated by the media, and he is the victim?
I’m stronger than this, I don’t need him. If I can handle eight years without him, then I can get through this. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.
Eric came to my rescue in the parking lot. He saw me at my most vulnerable moment and wanted to take me up to my apartment, but I refused. Instead, he grabbed some of my things and took me to his place. I sobbed the entire way, and he looked at me, helpless. He was unable to ask the questions that lingered, and I was unable to give him answers, but I picked myself up the only way I knew how—burying my head in the sand, ignoring the situation, and pretending it doesn’t exist.
After my big blow-up with Nikki, I avoided the office for a few days by working from home. I soon realized Lex would eventually track me down, so I needed somewhere else to stay, somewhere he couldn’t find me.
Unlike anything I have done before, I reached outside my comfort zone and contacted Kate. She answered immediately, and thankfully, was willing to help me out for a few nights.
I’m standing inside the hotel lobby with my pathetic suitcase beside me. As soon as she sees me, she rushes to where I stand, throwing me into an embrace. Kate is exactly what I need at this moment—a friend not involved in this so-called mess known as my life.
Inside her suite, I instantly notice how nice the room is—an upgrade, no doubt. Surely, she must have been giving her boss serious head for this.
“Wow, this is amazing.” I glance around the living area separate from the bedroom. “I can’t thank you enough. I really needed a place to stay, life has just gone…” I sigh. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know who else to ask.”
“Hey, don’t worry.” She motions for me to take a seat. “Life has thrown me a giant curveball, too. Arsehole was banging that beastly bird in that pic on Insta. I said goodbye to that tosser.”
“Oh my God, Kate. I’m so sorry.”
“Better now than later, right?” There’s a sadness in her expression, but she’s quick to replace it with a mischievous grin. “Don’t worry, I met this gorgeous Navy guy last weekend, and can I just discuss how yummy that rebound was? I’m so done and dusted with that Aussie jerk. Found better and bigger fish in the sea… one with better gills if you know what I mean.”
Of course, I know what she means. His cock was bigger and better, always a plus.
“Arghh, excuse me for just one second, it’s the boss.” She answers the call with an annoyed look on her face. “Good morning, sir.”
She remains on the line while I walk toward the window admiring the view of the park. It’s early morning in the city that never sleeps and is busy as usual, even with a storm due to come in over the next forty-eight hours. I watch as people scurry along, zigzagging in and out of the crowds, obviously late for work. The tourists are walking around in awe, snapping photographs of everything in sight. I watch the few homeless people who roam the streets, lost in their own little world. How, in that moment, I envy their strength to carry on every day despite their shitty circumstances.
“Yes, she got the contracts. No, I don’t know. Her assistant refused to give me that information. Okay… okay, thank you, sir.”
Kate hangs up the phone.
“Sir?” I tease, grinning. “Sounds kinda kinky.”
“Oh, trust me, it’s not.” Throwing her phone onto the couch, she gazes at me intently. “Charlie, you look like a truck ran over you. Tell me what’s been happening. So, your love life has gone tits up?”
Tits up? I’m confused but assume she means upside down.
“I don’t really want to talk about it. Everyone is pushing me, and I just don’t want to think about it for a while if that’s okay.”
“Fair enough. How about we grab a drink tonight? Let’s have fun and forget about our man troubles.”
“Deal.”
Kate’s phone starts buzzing again, and this time she lets out a frustrated groan before grabbing it. “I’m sorry, I have to take this again.”
“Hello, sir. Yes… yes. No, there’s no way out. Why? Because the board requested you be there. Uh-huh… uh-huh, look, I’ll be there in ten minutes, and we can speak then. Yes… okay.” She hangs up the phone, muttering profanities beneath her breath. “Bugger me, it’s been a sodding week from fucking hell. I’m ready to explode after the shit that’s gone down with work. Look, I’ve just gotta meet my boss. He’s gone crazy, and is making it difficult to work for him even though it’s not all his fault.”
“Sounds like fun. Remember, think of me if he gets over this chick and needs some great rebound sex,” I call out.
She laughs, exiting the room as I crash on the couch and stare at the wall.
Later that night, Kate and I went out for drinks, and I mean plural. We had a blast and even got chatting with a few guys. I wasn’t into the whole thing, of course, but she took to a hot bartender.
The next morning, we’re suffering from massive hangovers, and I was awakened by Kate’s phone repeatedly going off.
Fuck, the damn thing never shuts up.
I pull myself off the sofa to reject the call, but thankfully, it stops.
“My head hurts. Who the hell calls you so early in the morning?”
“Argh, was it ringing?” She stands up, unsteady on her feet. “Shit. It’s my boss. Fuck.”
“Oh my God, Kate, come work for me. Seriously, what is his problem?”
“Yeah, I know, but I kinda understand why he’s so short-fused. I mean this woman who he is irrevocably in love with isn’t talking to him, and to be honest, it’s not even his fault, you know?”
It sounds all too familiar.
“Well, if it isn’t his fault, then he needs to make her realize that, whatever it takes.”
“I think the damage has already been done.”
“No, I’m sure it can be sorted,” I say, thinking his situation couldn’t be as bad as mine. “He just needs to be honest.
***
“Seriously, Charlie, fluorescent pink?”
“Yes, Kate. If I have to wear fluorescent yellow, then you have to wear pink.”
“And the whistle?”
“Eric said you have to wear these colors and a whistle around your neck. I don’t know the protocol of the gay scene,” I huff. “Okay, listen, I need to take a shower. Eric should be here any second now. In the meantime, make sure you put on the dress and whistle, or he’ll feed you to the gay herd, and let me tell you it’s not pretty.”
I close the bathroom door, taking a nice long, hot shower. As I stand here, my mind wanders to how long it has been since Lex touched me last. Yeah, like five fucking days. I thought about Nikki’s words. Okay, so part of me is coming around, but fuck, it’s Friday night, and I refuse to spend it wallowing or masturbating in the shower over someone I can’t have.
Quickly dressing in my outfit, I examine my face in the mirror. I’ve lost weight, and the bags under my eyes are more than evident. I apply makeup with dark eyeliner, more so than usual to hide the circles. Placing my hair in a high-side ponytail, I adjust my strapless dress, ready to hit the gay scene. Oh, wait, my shoes and whistle. I leave the bathroom in search of these two most important items.
“Oh, hey, so I’m glad you were in the shower. You would’ve just encountered the beast.”
“Who? Your boss?” I ask, amused.
“Yep, work matters.”
“It’s Friday night!”
“Everything is urgent with him.”
“Why didn’t you invite him to come out with us? Or better yet, you should’ve sent his hot ass into the bathroom to visit me. I surely could have used it.”
“Oh, Charlie, I’m sure he’d have gladly taken you on.” She laughed.
The knock on the door breaks me from my shower fantasy—it’s Eric loaded with whistles.
“You said we had to wear one whistle, E,” I point out.
He blows the whistle. Ouch, it hurts my ears. “I brought spares in case you forgot.”
“Oh, we didn’t forget. Trust me.”
“Oh, hello there, darling!” He leans in kissing Kate on both cheeks. “You biatches look amazing. Are you ready to watch a bunch of gay guys get it on? I want to be walking like John Wayne tomorrow.”
“Oh, my days,” I mutter, shaking my head.
Kate laughs, pulling me along and closing the door behind her.
After waiting in line for only a short time, we’re allowed to enter the club. Okay, so I’d never been in a gay club before, but it’s exactly what I imagined. The club is dark, crowded, and the heavy scent of sweat lingers in the air. Eric calls this ‘man juice.’ The neon lights flicker like a light show, the techno beats bounce off the walls while I’m almost trance-like, and the atmosphere is euphoric. The men are wearing fluro jocks. I feel extremely overdressed, not to mention conscious of the fact that we look like the only women here.
“E, aren’t you a little overdressed?” I yell over the music.
He grins, removing his pants and shirt and handing them to the coat guy who wears nothing but a fluro pink thong with the words ‘Hands Off Snakey’ written on the front.
Everyone has a whistle, all being blown to the beat of the music. We make our way to the bar where, thankfully, girls are hanging out. We look at each other, and although they are strangers, we throw each other a big smile and say hello. Well, at least we don’t have to worry about sleazes trying to pick us up at the bar.
“So, what are we ordering to drink?” Kate asks.
“A round of Daisy Chains, please,” Eric yells to the bartender.
“What’s a Daisy Chain?”
“The drink, I don’t know. The act, don’t ask.”
The drink turns out to be Sambuca shots. The smell of the anise is strong, and I wince as I swallow it. Holy fuck, that is surely going to kill me. Urgh, the aftertaste is rancid. The next drink is called a Candy Maker which is actually tequila.
The night carries on with lewd, homosexually-named drinks being served to us. We loosen up and start dancing. It doesn’t bother me that I’m surrounded by sweaty males with bodies to die for, or the fact they all have their tongues down each other’s throats. We just get lost in the trance, enjoying the carefree buzz. Kate is beyond smashed, and I’m not far behind her. As I dance, I feel my tiny purse vibrate. I pull out my phone, squinting to read the message.
Lex: Charlotte please, I am so lost without you
1 Voicemail message
My heart skips a beat reading the message. Maybe it’s the Daisy Chains and Candy Makers that loosened me up, but suddenly, I feel the urge to listen to the voicemail and not delete it like the other dozen I had this week. I motion to Kate I’m going to check my phone, but she’s too preoccupied being sandwiched in between two guys who love dancing with a straight girl.
I make my way over to the corner and press into my voicemail, covering my other ear to drown out the music.
Please talk to me. I can’t go on like this. We said we would start over, but you’re not here with me, you’re not even talking to me. Charlotte, listen to me when I say you can trust me. This is not what it seems. I need you… I need us to be okay. Please talk to me.
The line goes silent, and the pang in my heart deepens. This man is my husband, so what the hell am I doing? But it wasn’t like it was a real wedding.
Walking back to the bar, I push my way through the crowd unaware of my trance-like state. Was I wrong in all this? But how could that possibly be? The pictures looked real, and someone out there wanted me to see them. Who sent me this link? Someone in love with Lex, I thought.
“You okay, Charlie?” Eric asks, out of breath.
“Yeah. I think I need another Daisy Chain.”
He laughs, pulling me over to the bar. “Was that Lex you were texting?”
“No, I wasn’t texting. I read the text he sent me and listened to his voicemail. The first time I’ve had the courage to all week.”
“C’mon, Charlie, even I’m wrong for judging, hear him out at least. You know you wanna get back to tapping his hot ass again.”
“If only it were that easy.”
“What’s going on, ladies?” Kate rests her head on Eric’s shoulder, slurring her words.
“Charlie just got a text and message from Le—”
The whistle blows loudly in our ears. We all cringe.
Apparently, it’s conga time, but the gay version. And that’s our cue to leave. Eric joins the gay train and waves goodbye.
Kate and I stumble our way home to pass out as soon as we walk through the door of the hotel suite.
***
I move my tongue around my mouth, it tastes bitter and cotton-like. As I swallow, I feel the nausea wash over me. Running for the bathroom, tripping over Kate lying on the floor, I barely make it to the bowl before the ramifications of last night’s shots take place. I sit there minutes on end unable to peel myself off the cold tiles. I’m dying, there’s no other explanation.
“Charlie, are you oka…” Kate pushes me aside taking my spot.
Oh, fuck no, I can’t watch her puke as well. I run out of the bathroom pacing up and down the living area thankful that the trashcan stands by the small kitchenette and sink. That will be the last time I ever set foot in a gay club. Ever.
Hours later, we manage to shower and get dressed. I say goodbye to Kate, thanking her for making me forget and also letting me stay with her. We agree to meet up for coffee tomorrow before she is due to fly back home.
As I walk back into my apartment, the familiarity of it all overwhelms me. I’m exhausted, no doubt from the lack of sleep this week, the clubbing, and the extra work I took on to distract myself. On top of all that, I drank way too much, and my body is hating me for it.
I throw myself onto the couch, closing my eyes as Coco purrs beside me. A sudden ring startles me. Beside me, my phone is dancing on the coffee table—it’s Julian.
“Hey you,” I answer, my voice hoarse.
“You okay? You don’t sound well.”
My body aches all over as I straighten myself up. “Just coming down with something, I think.”
“I was going to ask you if you were free for dinner, but never mind, rest up.”
“No, it’s okay, Julian. We need to talk anyway.”
“Yes, we do need to talk. So, how about I pick you up around seven?”
“Um… how about I meet you there? Just text me the details.”
I hang up the call, feeling guilty for avoiding having him here. I remember Lex’s voicemail from last night. I remember how I felt when I read his words and heard his voice.
With a sudden curiosity, I scroll through my inbox. I find the deleted items folder and recover the emails he sent me.
He apologizes over and over again.
He promises nothing ever happened or ever would happen.
But it isn’t those emails that make me look at him in a different light. It’s the ones he sent me quoting one of my favorite songs. Songs he’d sing to me as I rested against his chest in our safe haven that was our cliff top back home.
A tear falls on my screen as the words linger. How does one stop what the heart wants? It’s impossible not to see the pain I’m inflicting on him, and it makes my heart hurt, a part of it crying for the sorrow he is feeling. But this is about my pain. How am I to rise above it? How am I able to place my trust in him and let all the fears wash away? Can I hand my heart over to him? It thinks it belongs there, but once upon a time, it was asked to leave, and when it left, it took me along with it to a very dark place. Has he changed? Has his heart changed too? Will he see me and understand my fears, understand how fresh this all is? Or will he push me into the dark by questioning my insecurities, belittle me for my ability to run?
I can either hand my heart over or place it in a panic room.
I walk to my vanity and open the little wooden box. Inside sits the engagement ring Julian gave me and the wedding band that Lex placed on my finger.
Two rings, two different men.
I pick up the diamond ring and slide it on my finger.
I don’t know what I’m doing, all I know is that tonight, I need to smile.
And if there’s one person who can make that happen, it’s Julian.
